Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    mush888's Avatar
    mush888 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Sep 2, 2010, 11:40 PM
    Does my partner manipulate me
    My partner , has a drink problem and he can get very aggressive when drunk he scares me really , I v been going on at him to stop drinking because I just can't cope with it any more , whenever we have a row it is always my fault for over reacting (I end up saying sorry) It all came to a head last weekend when he was very drunk and started calling me and my son names so we left ,the next day when I returned I gave him a choose me or Drink , he agreed that it was getting a bit much and said he would stop , but on the Monday he went to work came home and hasn't spoke to me all week ,when I tried to find out what the matter was he said we have said everything we need to he hasn't got anything else to say to me .Is he manipulating me?I only won't the best for all of us and he can't be drunk all the time its just not fair on the rest of us
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #2

    Sep 3, 2010, 12:00 AM

    Why are you and your son still living there? Is this guy manipulating you? Yes, and controlling you and abusing you and scaring you and disgusting you and making everything your fault when it's all actually HIS fault.

    Take back your power. Rescue your own and your son's self esteem by moving out. Do you have a safe place to move to? (And please don't let this man sweet-talk you into moving back in. He will try to.) Do you have the courage, for your son's sake if not for your own, to reclaim your power and NOT listen to this man's blaming and excuses?
    Devorameira's Avatar
    Devorameira Posts: 2,461, Reputation: 981
    Ultra Member
     
    #3

    Sep 3, 2010, 04:54 AM

    Unfortunately, he's most likely an alcoholic who's in denial. Most alcoholics feel their actions are justified by "others making him that way", thus he blames you.

    It will be even harder to try and talk to him about it because he'll either ignore you (while he's sober) or it may set him off (if he's got a drink in him).

    It's obvious that he is controlling, is an abuser, and he scares you to death. Follow your gut instinct on this one. Please do not put up with this behaviour - most of the time it gets worse not better.

    There's a nice guy out there somewhere that would treat you like a princess... move on.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #4

    Sep 3, 2010, 05:19 AM

    The next time he is drunk leave, but be warned as if he continues not to drink, he will be surly and irritable for sometime, Its part of the withdrawal process. What you think its an instant thing to quit drinking? It takes time, and a lot of work on his part.

    Alcoholics Anonymous : How to Find A.A. Meetings

    There is help and support for you both to understand what your facing. Good luck.
    aliseaodo's Avatar
    aliseaodo Posts: 1,671, Reputation: 259
    Movie Expert
     
    #5

    Sep 3, 2010, 09:46 AM

    I agree with what everyone has said - also, think of your son. Staying with the idiot is showing your child that the idiots behavior is acceptable, and that's really scary when you think about how it might affect your child's future. Like Wondergirl said - rescue yourself and your son from this terrible situation.
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
    Uber Member
     
    #6

    Sep 3, 2010, 09:54 AM

    Think of your son and the impact
    This could have on his life.

    Leave and go somewhere safe. If he loves you he will seek treatment.

    If not, you're better off without him and so is your child.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
    Dating & Teen Expert
     
    #7

    Sep 3, 2010, 05:37 PM

    He drinks because he is probably an alcoholic and there is nothing you can say or do to change that.
    The smart thing for you to do is to remove yourself and your son from this situation.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #8

    Sep 3, 2010, 09:35 PM
    I'm just curious about one thing.

    Has he actually stopped drinking? The silent treatment, if I read this right, from him, has happened after he stopped drinking.

    This change is not easy to immediately adjust to. He may be going through withdrawal, in addition to a major lifestyle change- from being drunk to being sober. He has to learn how to communicate and live without alcohol, which is not an easy task for him.

    I'm not excusing his behaviour, but if if you wanted him to quit drinking, and he has, why would you leave now when he needs you the most.

    Why not instead, accept that he is in for some major changes, and encourage him to attend counselling or groups or a 12 step program, so that he can get the help he needs to adjust to a new, sober, world.

    As for you and your son, there are also addiction counsellors, and programs such as al-anon etc. that can give you the knowledge and support you need, to also adjust to all the changes.

    I'm not so sure that it is the time to call it quits.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
    Dating & Teen Expert
     
    #9

    Sep 4, 2010, 07:10 AM

    If it were just you and you wanted to go through the withdrawal thing with him, I'd say if you love him give it a try, but you have a son that should not have to go through this. Your priority is your son, not your boy friend.
    mush888's Avatar
    mush888 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #10

    Sep 6, 2010, 10:53 PM
    Its not as easy as just moving out this is my house he moved in , he has stopped drinking for a week never spoke to me for most of it but know he is speaking and is moaning about not having a drink he says it feels like he hasn't had a day off work at all without having a drink , I have been though this with him before this is not the first time he has got in a state with is drinking it just feels like he doesn't learn anything from past mistakes he just goes straight back to it .
    My son is my priority I know we have to get him out I know he probably won't change but how do I get him to leave he just doesn't take any notice of me at all and to tell you the truth I am scared to get anyone else involved he has been in trouble with the police before for violence
    I know this sounds weak and pathetic but I feel I am in a situation I can't get out of no matter how much I try
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
    Dating & Teen Expert
     
    #11

    Sep 7, 2010, 07:44 AM

    You may have to get the police involved.
    He needs to be out of your house, away from you and your son.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #12

    Sep 7, 2010, 08:56 AM
    If this is your house, and he is common law, or considered a renter, or any combination of that line of thinking, you may need legal advice before you just kick him out.

    If any of our legal eagles are reading this, what would be involved as far as having to give notice.

    Because there is a possibility of violence, and things getting out of control, please, when you are legally able to evict him, have a police presence if possible, and most certainly a friend or two there for help if need be.

    If you can, it might not be a bad idea to spend the money on an attorney who specializes in this area. I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, there is a way to evict him without giving him notice, due to the potential for violence. It is not in your best interest to have him living there, waiting out a notice period. If he has nothing to lose, because he's being booted out, he may very well hit the bottle again.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

Do my partner like me [ 1 Answers ]

New partner about know 8yrs and now get serious

My partner wants everything his way or when he wants it [ 8 Answers ]

My partner wants everything his way or it is OK only when he wants it for example sex it used to be every other day now at least every 7-9 days. And he assumes I always want it bcause I like it he does take the time to arouse me if do not reach my climax point he does not care he will not keep...

Can't get off with new partner [ 6 Answers ]

I am 30 - have had an orgasm before. Can achieve an orgasm with masturbation (unfortunately I can never bring myself to do that enough). Anyhow, I am with a new partner whom I love deeply. I can't stop pleasing him... but he can't seem to please me. I want to have an orgasm, but every time he...

Boyfriends Children manipulate and lie [ 1 Answers ]

Should I allow my boyfriends children's rudeness, lies and theft from my children to break us up? His 14 year old daughter steals my 13 year olds daughters things and when confronted always has an excuse which gets her out of trouble. They are best friends and it is hurting my daughter. He says...

Ex partner [ 4 Answers ]

My ex partner has left twice now for someone else I had a tarot reading which said he was coming back just like to know are these readings ever wrong


View more questions Search