[lil024]

For the past 3 months I have been involved in an affair with a married man who also happens to be my boss. I am not the type of person to ever get involved with someone that cheats but I have completely fallen for this man and found it impossible to stay away. Although we have only been together 3 months I have found myself falling in love with this man.

He works away from home and therefore does not live from home Monday to Friday. He has told me that his marriage is one of that of convenience and he only sees his wife as a friend and companion. He has made it very clear that he will not leave his wife because he has a teenage child and does not want to hurt that child. Do you think this man is lying to me about his marriage and is using me because of the fact that he will not leave his wife ?

Will a man stay in a marriage even though he is unhappy ?

[Marriedguy]

Yes a man will stay in a marriage in which is unhappy. I'm totally against staying in marriage because of the children you are doing more damage to them this way.

He has told me that his marriage is one of that of convenience and he only sees his wife as a friend and companion.

:mad: Please for the well-being of all parties stop this affair.

Why even settle for someone that can't put exclusive to you?

So he can have sex with you Monday – Friday and go home to have sex with his wife Saturday & Sunday?

You deserve better.

[DoulaLC]

For the past 3 months I have been involved in an affair with a married man who also happens to be my boss. I am not the type of person to ever get involved with someone that cheats but I have completely fallen for this man and found it impossible to stay away. Although we have only been together 3 months I have found myself falling in love with this man.

He works away from home and therefore does not live from home monday to friday. He has told me that his marriage is one of that of convenience and he only sees his wife as a friend and companion. He has made it very clear that he will not leave his wife because he has a teenage child and does not want to hurt that child. Do you think this man is lying to me about his marriage and is using me because of the fact that he will not leave his wife ?

Will a man stay in a marriage even though he is unhappy ?

Of course you are being used... and I think deep down you know this to be true. He'll stay as long as he can have his cake and eat it too. Why should he leave? Because he loves you? Don't kid yourself no matter what line he hands you... and no doubt there have been plenty and more to come.

I'll give him credit, although he is a cheat and lier to his wife and child, at least he was "honest" to you about having no intentions of leaving his wife. So you are going to remain his "bit of stuff" on the side as long as you remain in this relationship.

Not only are you playing a part in potentially destroying a family, you have now also put your job in jeopardy as well. What do you think would happen if it was found out that not only are you cheating with a married man but that you are sleeping with the boss as well?

You both should have had the good sense to not allow the situation to have gone the way it did. But since is has, now what are you going to do about it? Do you want to remain his fling, knowing that you will never have him fully to yourself? Why would you even trust him if he did leave his wife for you after you know first hand that he is a lier and a cheat? I'm sure his wife believes him to be honest with her as well. Don't you deserve a man of integrety and decent character?

My God woman... think better of yourself! Don't be second choice to anyone!

If you don't end this for your self-respect, and possibly the future of your job, at the very least end it for this other woman and this family, because sooner or later, they will know and at that point there won't be anything you can do to put their lives back together for them.

Cut your losses... you'll get over him and think better of yourself for not allowing it to go on any longer. If you have to change jobs, then do it. Better that than the constant reminder of how you allowed yourself to get caught up in such a selfish and foolish situation.

[Alty]

You're just sex, that's it. He may not love his wife any more, but he's told you point blank that he's not going to leave her. So, he's with her and his child, but getting some on the side with you.

It's not about love for him, it's about sex. You're just a sex toy. If that's what you want, than fine, but personally I wouldn't accept that.

The question is, are you happy spending your life, your love, on a man that will never make a commitment to you?

He's married. This never should have happened in the first place. He took vows with this woman, and if he doesn't want her anymore he should do the decent thing and get a divorce, not cheat on the side. He's doing it to her, and he'll do it to you. He obviously only cares about himself.

Being in love with someone that's not available is like smashing your hand with a hammer, not very productive and hurts like hell.

[Kitkat22]

The old "we're only staying together for the kids sake"line of bull.

Did he also tell you the marriage is in name only? They don't have sex? He'll leave when the kids get older?

Ok.. First of all he is NEVER going to leave his wife for or anyone else. You are at most a convenient
Piece on the side.

The reason he won't leave her is because HE stands to lose too much. He stands to lose his wife (who will if she can take him to the cleaners) and she should.

Ask him if he's going to leave her.
You are just a port in a storm when he's away from home and I would be surprised if there are no other ports stashed away somewhere.

You won't leave him alone, but mark my word this time next year he will have moved on.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, staying together for the kids, and my wife does not understand me, my wife and I are not in love, and all that bull, time and time again.

Of course, these are the standard lies they all say.

[Kitkat22]

I will give you some words of advice and I hope you take them to heart.

This man is using you and you are allowing it to happen. Stop being the
The other woman.

Doesn't it bother you that he has a wife who probably knows nothing of
What he is doing? He has children who love him.

If he ever leaves his wife, could you ever trust him or could he ever trust you? A relationship without trust is doomed. He will do it again long after you're out of the picture.

Do you want to grow old spending Holidays and the kids birthdays and he and his wife's anniversary alone?

He is in lust with you and you are in love with him. Maybe you think he will give you the financial security you need. He won't.

I'd wager if you gave him an ultimatum of choosing between you or his wife, you would be the loser.
Get back yourself respect and walk away. You'll be doing the right thing.

[talaniman]

Oh please, that rap is ancient, why does it still work? This is the third thread today about falling for the same lines. Where were these dilly bars when I was single, and free, and horny? I could have had a harem, just tell them I was married, and not leaving the wife!! Oh never mind, I never liked dilly bars any way.

[Jake2008]

It is a fact of life that people cheat, and probably that is somewhere up there as being one of the main causes of divorces.

But, what about the fact that all through recorded history, people of wealth and status, had one or more lovers, and it was perfectly okay in society, and with the wife, as long as it was discreet.

What would we be saying to this OP, if the wife of her lover DID know about her. Would we be so quick to condemn? What if all three of them were honest about their relationships, and provided the two women never crossed paths, but were respectful enough of each ones 'position' in this man's life, then... why is that so wrong.

There is a post here, posted recently, about a 2 woman, one man relationship, where they all live together, and get along, and most of us felt that if they are all happy, and it works for them, what is the harm.

Marriages don't work maybe because we presume that the 'other woman' is some sort of husband/homewrecker type of person, when, who are we to say that perhaps because of her, this man's marriage will remain strong, and the married couple part of it, are happy, and it is in the best interest of the child involved to have two parents-together.

If the arrangement is mature, honest, and nobody has false hope, or has a problem with the expectations of this man (as in expecting him to leave his wife for her), can we not maybe consider presuming that all parties involved are mature enough to handle it?

To the OP- this is your call. The cards are on the table, you know what's involved, and what the future holds, which at best, will be seeing him when he is not with his family. To me, in my opinion, that is only something you can answer- can you accept him on his terms, and can you comfortably sustain a relationship that will forever confine you to the 'status' of being a silent partner.

If you want more from a man, it is in your best interest, definitely, to fully realize what you are getting, as opposed to what you are not, and in so deciding, make a decision.

The position you are in does not make you a bad person. Deciding what to do is entirely up to you. Hundreds of thousands have been in the same boat, and generally speaking, it won't work out if the man involved won't leave his wife- at least you have that truth to help you decide already, and haven't invested years in a man only to find out he will never be single.

[DoulaLC]

It is a fact of life that people cheat, and probably that is somewhere up there as being one of the main causes of divorces.

But, what about the fact that all through recorded history, people of wealth and status, had one or more lovers, and it was perfectly okay in society, and with the wife, as long as it was discreet.

What would we be saying to this OP, if the wife of her lover DID know about her. Would we be so quick to condemn? What if all three of them were honest about their relationships, and provided the two women never crossed paths, but were respectful enough of each ones 'position' in this man's life, then.........why is that so wrong.

There is a post here, posted recently, about a 2 woman, one man relationship, where they all live together, and get along, and most of us felt that if they are all happy, and it works for them, what is the harm.

Marriages don't work maybe because we presume that the 'other woman' is some sort of husband/homewrecker type of person, when, who are we to say that perhaps because of her, this man's marriage will remain strong, and the married couple part of it, are happy, and it is in the best interest of the child involved to have two parents-together.

If the arrangement is mature, honest, and nobody has false hope, or has a problem with the expectations of this man (as in expecting him to leave his wife for her), can we not maybe consider presuming that all parties involved are mature enough to handle it?

To the OP- this is your call. The cards are on the table, you know what's involved, and what the future holds, which at best, will be seeing him when he is not with his family. To me, in my opinion, that is only something you can answer- can you accept him on his terms, and can you comfortably sustain a relationship that will forever confine you to the 'status' of being a silent partner.

If you want more from a man, it is in your best interest, definately, to fully realize what you are getting, as opposed to what you are not, and in so deciding, make a decision.

The position you are in does not make you a bad person. Deciding what to do is entirely up to you. Hundreds of thousands have been in the same boat, and generally speaking, it won't work out if the man involved won't leave his wife- at least you have that truth to help you decide already, and haven't invested years in a man only to find out he will never be single.

The problem is that the vast majority of time the wife or husband doesn't know about the other person. The partner stepping out deceives them... and often times deceives the person they are cheating with in order to keep the affair going. If they do know, and are truly OK with it, fine. I would hazard to guess the numbers in that category are few in comparison.

Some women and men will stick around with a spouse who sees others for security and financial reasons. Many feel they have no other choice, they love their partner, they want to have some semblance of a marriage, it gives them the go ahead to have their own affairs, divorce is not something they want to go through or put their children through, they take responsibility for it, there are a number of reasons.

Financial stability and security were a big part of why women in the past were "OK" with it... along with "what husband says goes". They had few other resources. The tables were vastly one sided when it came to the wife being the one who had lovers on the side.

Many women and men today will not be OK with it if they knew about it because they don't have to be. Hence a greater number of divorces these days than in the past.

This situation does not make the OP a bad person, it does however, show a lack of judgement and compassion both personally and professionally.

[slapshot_oi]

Will a man stay in a marriage even though he is unhappy ?

Oh absolutely.

And secondly, it's very likely he could be lying through his teeth about his relationship with his wife. He's cheating on her, would you really trust anything this guy says or does?

[donf]

Lil,

I understand your dilemma completely.

There is no way you can possibly trust anything this guy says to you.

I mean, look at this objectively, you know he is already lying to his wife, or do you think he is telling his family about how wonderful you are in bed with him from Monday to Friday.

I am forever stunned at the blindness to the obvious of some folks.

The fact that he is married and spending time separating you from your clothes speaks volumes.

Why aren't you listening?

How or why would anyone defend anyone who cheats for a pastime?

Why would you even consider loving this person?

How do you see yourself in a permanent relationship with a liar and cheat?

Come on now, respect yourself!

[NeedKarma]

This is one of those threads where the OP hasn't been back since the original post. Best to not expend any effort until the OP returns... if ever.

[lil024]

Thank you all for your comments. I do not mean to defend my married man as I know he is lying to his family and more than likely to me also. He has been very open and honest with me since we began this affair and I don't think he entered into this lightly as it is not only jeopardising his family but also both of our careers.

The feelings that I have for him may be clouding my better judgement but it is very hard to finish things with him even though I know the situation is wrong on so many levels. I do not want to be the other woman and I will admit that I have had some hope that he would realise what we have is special and perhaps leave his wife. In hindsight that is quite a stupid thought to have as he stated quite clearly at the start of our relationship that he would never leave his wife as he would not wish to hurt his child. I respected that on some level as I know how important his child is to him and I suppose I had sympathy for him on some level.

As the old saying goes once a cheater always a cheater but I suppose we always think that our situation is going to be the exception to the rule. For those of you that thing he is using me only on a sexual basis I do not think that is the case as the relationship is far more intense than this and when I do meet him we are a "normal couple" in every sense. I have respect for myself and for others and although I have made a bad decision and fallen for an unavailble man that does not make me a bad person.

[FoxCash]

I do not want to be the other woman and I will admit that I have had some hope that he would realise what we have is special and perhaps leave his wife.

Even if that happened how long would it be before you're the wife that is sitting at home being hurt because he's out and having fun with someone else?

I suppose we always think that our situation is going to be the exception to the rule.

But none of these situations ever are. It's like there is a book out there that has these lines for those who want to cheat will use. "I'm staying for the kids" (Yeah because an unstable household is wonderful for children!) "My spouse is abusive to me" or "We are no longer in love anymore". None of those stupid lines ever justify any of it.

For those of you that thing he is using me only on a sexual basis I do not think that is the case as the relationship is far more intense than this and when i do meet him we are a "normal couple" in every sense.

There is nothing "normal" about any of this or about you two spending time together. You're something on the side. When he goes home he goes home to his wife. And when he's at home he's feeding his wife lies. Hurting his family.

He tells you he loves you and whatever else but keep in mind those are the same things he probably tells his wife. The one he said his vows to. The one he created a child with. This isn't love in any way, shape or form. Just a sick and selfish game he is playing and sadly you are playing right along with it.

I have respect for myself and for others and although I have made a bad decision and fallen for an unavailble man that does not make me a bad person.

You have respect for others? Do you respect his wife? His child? The people he is hurting by continuing on with this "relationship"? If you continue to keep this up it means you don't. It also doesn't make you that great of a person either.

Turn the tables around how would you feel if this was your family being hurt and this was your husband going out and having a "relationship" with someone else while you're stuck at home with your child? I doubt it would feel good. I'm sure there are some people on here that can tell you just how that feels.

And before you think I'm being cruel, I'm not. I've been where you are. I believed every stupid lie that was told to me. I thought that situation was unique and wasn't like everyone else's out there. But then I woke up and realized that it was exactly like everyone else's but what's worse is I realized what I had done. I took part in hurting people that didn't deserve it. I took part in wrecking a family. I wasn't a good person who just happened to fall for someone. I was a bad person who was selfish just about in the same manner as the person I was with.

Whether you decide to see it or not you do deserve better. Let him go, don't take part in inflicting hurt to that family.

[Kitkat22]

I was in a situation like yours, only I was the wife. My first husband cheated with a woman he worked with.

At the time I loved him very deeply. When I found out it was a horrible feeling of being inadequate and not desirable.

After he started abusing me mentally and physically, I didn't care anymore. I left.

The reason I say this is because a wife hurts when a husband cheats. The children hurt and why?

There are women in this world who want a free ride, a love nest, someone to take care of them so they don't have to work.

Maybe I'm being judge mental. I think you think your in love with him. He's your boss and he has a wife and children. He isn't going to sacrifice that for you.

I'll bet if you checked around, you will find you are not the first to have an affair with him.

I'm saying for your own peace of mind don't expect anything from him. You're going to end up with a broken heart and possibly no job.

[lil024]

I have checked around and he has not had an affair with anyone else in work. He has however cheated before but it was a long long time ago and his wife does know about this.

[Kitkat22]

I have checked around and he has not had an affair with anyone else in work. He has however cheated before but it was a long long time ago and his wife does know about this.

I hope you consider what could happen. You may get hurt deeply by this man and it would take some time to trust again. Think of all the advice you've been given.


If I was unkind it is because I know how badly it hurts to be cheated on by someone you trust. Thank God for my husband... he is the best and after my first marriage and the cheating and all the other things, I was afraid to trust again. I'm glad I did. I hope you do find someone who isn't married and you have a wonderful life together.:)

[DoulaLC]

I have checked around and he has not had an affair with anyone else in work. He has however cheated before but it was a long long time ago and his wife does know about this.

So you think he didn't enter into it lightly because it could jeopardize his family and both of your jobs. That is exactly what he is doing though! So obviously his "little head" won the battle with his better judgement and decency. And you have not only allowed it, you are participating in it.

If either of you were thinking of others besides yourselves, there whould have been no first move, and when there was, it should have been met with a resounding no thanks, not interested. Since he has cheated before, I doubt he gave it as much contemplation as you think or as he has led you to believe. He had the opportunity due to his working conditions and he took advantage of it.

How truly horrible for his wife. No doubt they went through an extremely painful time, rebuilt the trust (or at least she was probably led to believe that), only to have it be another lie. What a kick in the stomach for her! He says he doesn't want to hurt his child... what do you think his child will feel and think about him when this relationship becomes known? What about your work? Depending on what you do, it is quite possible some people suspect already, and if they don't at this point, they will sooner or later. How do you know he hasn't been with anyone else at work... just because they say so? Do you tell anyone you are sleeping with the boss? The one time he cheated that you do know about may not be the only time in the past either. Would you seriously believe him if he were to tell you that? You have proof he is a liar and will say or do what suits his needs.

If you truly respected yourself and others you wouldn't be in the situation you are in. You wouldn't have given yourself to a married man; your boss no less. People who respect others simply do not put themselves in a situation where things can go that far and jeopardize a family. Certainly you may find someone attractive, nothing wrong with that, but that is where it should end.

You said in your last post that you know he is lying to his wife and probably to you as well. So, now what? Stop thinking with your heart and think with your head. Be smart... look out for yourself before you get any farther into this and it becomes a really ugly mess where you end up losing more of your dignity.

There are many single men out there who you wouldn't have to worry about trusting your heart to and who would be more than happy to have you fully in their lives; giving themselves only to you. If you stay where you are, you won't be available for that to happen in your life.

[dano808080]

Yes, a man will stay in a marriage even though he is unhappy. There's often a lot of considerations in the way--not hurting the children, family ties, the huge costs of divorce, the mental anguish. In a perfect world without the strings and ties that bind you in a marriage, divorce would be the preferred option. But that's often difficult in a long marriage.

So, yes a husband can fall in love with a mistress. That's happening with myself. However, that does not mean he will leave his current wife and often he will say that out front.

Also, a mistress is more than just sex--you can get that from any prostitute or escort. With a mistress, there's some or a lot of emotional connection between the mistress and husband and it makes the relationship (and sex) that more meaningful.