[Need_A_Life]

Hi All,
This is Rahul and I would like if anybody can show me a path to survive. I'm a S/W Engg, was working in India. On my first job I met this girl who was just like me, Extremely Extrovertic, fun loving,caring, helping others, sensitive and she was in a relation with some guy who used to torment her by phone calls. She wanted me to be friends with her and I supported her in tough times and then one day she told me I have feelings for you and I'm sure you love me too.. I had no answer and tried to ignore all this but the more I did the more I couldn't forget this and I started loving her back.
There were lot of problems by the way her and her ex... I switched jobs,moved out to a different place. Till then We spend great moments with each other... the best in my life that I could never forget.. in my life.. my best days... but after I moved out things didn't work out and we broke up and she returned to her ex... I was crushed and it took me a long time to recover..
After almost a year, she found me from somewhere and called me saying that she wants to get back to me because she's not happy with her ex and she felt that I loved her more than anybody else... I took time to decide.. and finally I said yes... we were together for 7-8 months and then after completing her studies when she went back to stay with her parents... I got to know that she had her marriage fixed with the same guy without telling me anything about it...
All this time wenever she was with me... I changed every drop of blood inside me to suit her needs and how she wanted me to be with... sacrificed a lot for everything... n I also knew she used to talk to her ex... chat with him behind my back but I never confronted her because I had started picturing her as my wife... n so I wanted her to give time to understand how wrong she is and that may be when she would realize it she would leave all this and come to me..
Bud sadly it never happened... I was devastated and I confronted her, her family, her ex about all of our relation... she even abused me... and somehow for some reason postponed her marriage back bcoz she again was not happy with her life and her ex...
I made attempts to end my life.. but couldn't see my parents in this condition.. I had a huge loan because of things that I shared or bought for her.. I got a job outside India and somehow after months of rehabilitation where I couldn't speak eat or even have a life... decided to join the job...
She had this drinking problem and the only thing I ever asked her not to do in her life was to drink with her friends who are a worthless lot and would never even care about her if she's in a problem because she looses control over herself when she drinks..
Somedays back she lied to me went to a pub drank with a group stayed at someone else's place and all this really hurt me because she lied to me and repeatedly didn't do that just one thing I had asked her for... JUST THAT ONE THING...
For the first time in my life I abused her when I again found out she's talking to her ex and in a relation with him still...
I just don't know how to survive... I have a loan I have to pay back.. my career is heading towards a mess... im an excellent student... n I have lost everything... I can't give my old parents the torture of seeing my dead face after all the **** I have made them go through... n I can't leave the job and come back to india or any other place right now... for the loan and the fact that I'm in a high profile domain that I won't get job so easily...
But I'm screwed to the core.I have no friends for the past three years of my life, I'm so desperately alone that I can't speak to anyone about all this that's happened and certainly not to my family, want to end my life with all this suffering but how can I... have no will no morale left to live.. everyday when I get up I count days when I'll actually be happy just for even 1 second and could see myself happy and smile...

But none of this happens... Even after all this I love the girl so so much... I don't know but I'm not able to forget her or even hate her... I don't know wats wrong with me... I'm obsessed with her... my parents are seeking girls for my marriage... and whom do I consult and let know my situation... I love her a lot... I know people would mock me but I'm not able to hate or forget her... I tried hard... but may be because I'm sensitive and she has been like my wife to me and my family... and I have changed myself so much that from being a guy whom everone wanted to be with I'm now a person who is a saddist doesn't speak at all.. n runs to hospital every now and then...

Can somebody *** *** help me or guide me..

[Bluerose]

I'm sorry you are in so much pain and it will be very difficult for you to take onboard any advice right now but returning home could be the answer. You need to let someone help you. If not you will only sink deeper and deeper until nothing can be done. You are crying out for help or you wouldn't have posted this message. Please find someone you trust, an old friend or family member, and let them help you.

[Need_A_Life]

Thanks Blue rose... but how can I return home now.. I cannot even tell this to my family... having already told them about all this mess in the past and hurt them... and I'm not in touch with any of my friends... I got so preoccupied with this girl that I lost everyone... I know its my fault... and I would certainly not get a job that suits my profile back home so soon... n the loan is not making things easier...

Im in severe depression and I'm checking this post of mine every second if anyone could even remotely help me or guide me... I feel I'm in a deadlock from where there is no escape...
Thanks a lot for your reply...

[Starry nights]

You need to get tremendous control over yourself.You sound extremely disoriented and mentally disturbed.And all for someone who's very clearly used you.How do you explain the constant back and forth attitude?Any woman with a sound and stable manner definitely wouldn't have done so.

How can you ruin your own God-given life for another person who doesn't value you at all,by the looks of it?Do you think its justified what you put yourself and your family through because of someone who didn't know her mind?

Self-pity worsens an already bad situation.Get a grip.And a life.You aren't dead till your last breath.Its never too late to sort out your life.Start now.Get rid of all clutter,baggage and everything negative in your life.Cut ties with this woman and anybody else who's harmful in your life.Get yourself back on track in terms of your job.Involve yourself in extra curricular activities,join a gym and work out.Most importantly,work on yourself.Look around you.There are so many people less blessed and less privileged than you.Orphans,widows,unemployed people,who are struggling to make both ends meet.Life hasn't been exactly fair to them as its been for you.

Make yourself aware of what you have and what you are losing by mourning for something and someone who just isn't worth it.

[Bluerose]

You’re welcome. But when it comes right down to it you are the only one who can help you. Other people can only offer there advice what you do with that advice is up to you. Don’t throw your life away. There must be one person who you can go to for help. Think.

Take care.

I wish you all the very best.

[Need_A_Life]

Thanks a lot Starry Nights for your advice.. I know I have lost everything in my life for this girl... I have lost myself respect and everything that you are talking about... n my position is certainly better than orphans who doesn't have anything to eat... or other people... I agree... but for every individual his problem is the biggest because he is living in that problem and its been three years of my life... Sometimes I feel I am used... but we also spend some great times together... I might be wrong and you might be totally correct... But how do you get away from something which is so close and so loving to u...

I'm not in that zone where I can forgive or forget her... im so sick of being alone and facing all this... that I have just lost it... its been a long time and any inspiration that comes to me doesn't last more than a wiffle... I used to be an extrmemly confident person about my life, my job but I have tried so so hard by doing things that you are talking about for such a long time now... and it's not helping... it seriously isn't... I wish I could explain you better... im really not able to control myself...

And my biggest problem is I'm extremely vulnerable... if she calls me for anything and any problem, I'm just not able to ignore... I feel I need an electric shock or something that effects every ounce of blood inside me to make me realize my worth and my loss... but I'm not having it...

I'm just losing my will, my sanity, my dignity slowly and slowly... second by second...
Can you guide me more?


Thanks a lot Blue Rose...
I don't want to give in... I don't want to die... I was always an optimist but life has taken a black hole for me for the past three years... I was always working on me on any advice that could possibily cause my betterment... but I seem to have lost now...

I feel I will end up in a mental asylum very soon...

[jillia]

I know what your going through. I myself am going similar situation. I have been broke up for a year. But the problem is that he still dangles the carrot,if that makes sense to you. He starts emailing saying that he is deaming about me,etc. Yet he is having those dreams next to another woman that he moved in with. We actually got together about 6 months ago, I was thinking he wanted to get back together, but why should he want that when I let him so easily use me. I of course would start mourning cycle all over again. Then he starts emailing again, and all I see is him dangling the carrot once again. I get my hopes up and all he is doing is building his ego up. You see he has no intention of leaving this woman, but he doesn't mind using my feelings to build up his on piss bore ego.

I started getting more emails from him about week or so ago, and knew in my heart that this was just him needing his ego stroked. But I found this spot on internet and started asking for help. I did email him and told him I didn't want him emailing me anymore,etc. I didn't tell him off like I really wanted to and believe me when I say that I would have loved to get revenge by telling his current girlfriend about him cheating on her. But, that would really take away my emotional breakdown away and make me a happy person. So I am listening and following through with the NO CONTACT rule. Its not easy, because like you, I was totally obsessed with him.

I know that its going to take everything in me to get over him for good. But I also know that I want more out of life, then just being unhappy wanting for crumbs from him. I want my own friend,lover, eventually spouse, and that I deserve it.

I wish you luck, but I wanted to let you know your not alone.

[Need_A_Life]

Thanks a lot jillia... I want to tell you that I feel sad to know about u.. but you know somewhere deep inside me I can understand that the pain I'm going through... is not new to u.. n that you have been a part of it and may be still are...
I am an Indian and I have to take care of my parents my family... think about my job and this whole mess that has been happening for so long... I have lost all hope but reading a response from you makes me feel that we are reduced to such pitiful conditions...

We are undergoing emotions we never should have... n yet we are because we were truthful and true to our heart...

I strongly feel that the day this forum closes I would actually feel happy... but it may not happen because there will be people like them and their will be people like us...

Even you gave him a number of opportunities and I agree with whatever you saying... but somehow there's a small tiny slot inside me that says that we still are meant to be together... may be because I'm so so so obsessed with her... but I'll try... n I'll try harder... I don't know if I will succeed with it... coz knowing what I have turned into... I don't know if I will... bcoz I don't have anything inside me to keep going... I feel like I'm already mad... but I'll still try... not just for me... but even keeping you in mind... with whatever I have...

Thanks a lot for your support... tc

[jillia]

I know exactly what you mean about having to support your parents. I was the eldest of family and since my family was extremely impoverished, I had to help support them. I let me tell you my father was extremely abusive. I continued to help my parents,even my father after my mother passed away. Then about 3years ago I finally realized that, shame on them for expecting me to help support them all this time, and what did he do for me, but be physically and mentally abusive. So I limited any contact with him, and told him he could start being a man getting out and supporting himself, that my mother was gone, and all my brothers where on their own.

I am a very strong person a survivor and I have decided to stop letting my ex from having the ability to use me. I want to be cared for myself and I deserve it and so does everyone.

You have to understand that there isn't hope for any relationship with this woman, but there is hope of getting on with your life and actually finding a woman eventually that will want you and who will not be willing to share you, because when someone really loves you they are willing to share.

[Need_A_Life]

U know jillia... I've started hating this love and all... from the depth of my heart... because as I am writing to u... the girl calls me up and says I'm disgusting because I found out through her email that she was still in a relation with that guy...

I have started believing that there is nothing like love... people just use people... again and again...

N as far as my family is concerned they are the best in the world.. if I'll tell my family about it... they will ask me to leave the job and just be with them... and even feel bad with me hiding all this from them for so long... they don't expect any support from me.. but as a son its my responsibility... that I have to look after them... I can't hurt them any more... never ever...

I don't know what life has in store for me... but I only know one thing that if I didn't had a family like I had... I would have not thought even once before killing myself... thanks a lot jillia... hope you get your dreams fulfilled...

[talaniman]

You have to learn to forgive YOURSELF, and let go of her, and get about the work of rebuilding a life that you enjoy without her.

Read the stickies and learn how we all survive getting our hearts thoroughly crushed, and rise above it to be very happy and ready for whatever life throws at us.

Yeah it hurts, and that sucks, but you are hardly the first to used abused, and dumped on your a$$, but you can get up, and be better for the experience.

Its no shame to be a fool for love, but the shame will be not doing something about it for yourself.

[Need_A_Life]

Thanks a lot talaniman for your words... I hope I can work towards myself in a way that you and others over here have put forth... but I'm not sure if I will succeed...

Of all this somehow I regret one thing that I abused the girl in the end for the first time in my life... and the way I loved and still love her... I **** believe how those words came out of my mouth... I feel so sorry from inside...

I hope I can find and rebulid a life... as you say... but I don't have anything new inside me to motivate me more... I have already tried hard and failed... but I will still...

Thanks...

[talaniman]

Stop giving yourself excuses to fail, and motivate yourself because that's all you have my friend, so love yourself by first forgiving yourself, and promise yourself to do better.

Get off the freakin' pity pot, and get on with it why don't you!

[Need_A_Life]

I know talaniman... thanks a lot and thanks to everyone... who have helped me to inspire even a little bit... I hope to do better... and I hope god forgives me for the bitter thing I said...

I don't want anybody to suffer in this world.. I just want all to stay happy... but sadly it doesn't happen... but we have to always strive... I think that's the myth of this world... I couldn't speak what all I had spoken to anyone for such a long time and it was taking me deep down... im not feeling better now... but I feel I can be...

[talaniman]

Your God will forgive you if you ask. But then you have to forgive yourself, to complete the politics.

[Starry nights]

Tal--thanks for being your usual blunt self--pity pot's the right word... OP,at the cost of seeming harsh(which I feel you need right now for your own benefit--a reality check),just re-read your own posts which reek of self-pity.I just don't get it.Hating love and people all because of a relationship gone bad?Is that the ultimate destruction that you will allow this woman to cause you--turning into a people and life hater?

How much could anyone hate themselves to allow somebody else to change their life,their opinions about themselves,play with their self-respect,confidence and happiness,and all this in the name of love?And how less of yourself(and love) did you know to be taken in, by such a brilliantly plotted scheme to destroy you?Isn't there a saying,people treat you exactly the way you allow them to treat you?We all have been duped at some time or the other in the name of love but the most important lesson we learn out of those experiences is to first accept we have been duped.That it wasn't love that destroyed us,it was deceit,lies,exploitation,all that people use in the name of love.So lesson no. 1,please face the reality and understand that your relationship had less to do with love and more with all these other negative factors.

Even now when your bruised and battered soul needs comfort,support,nurturing and healing,all you are doing is abusing it even more by wallowing in so-called "love" for this completely unworthy person.Is your "obsession",as you call it,so uncontrollable for this woman that its emerging stronger than the need to protect and love your soul and self?Or your parents?

I had learnt all this(self-love,self-respect,the need to protect and take care of myself) the very hard way when my relationships failed.Thats why I want you to be told all this rather than you having to go through it all to learn... believe me,the road you are on isn't easy and I know it.But if you don't make it easier on and for yourself,just know that there isn't anybody out there who will.If you don't make yourself realise your own need to move on and restructure your life,do you think anybody else would even care?After all,aren't suicides happening everyday?Aren't people taking their own lives just because they feel they are trapped and they can't go on,everyday?And while we sympathise with their stories and feel sad for their families,do you think we put our lives on hold for these lonely and suffering individuals?What's gone however is another potentially brilliant and beautiful and unique life.The loss of which could probably have been avoided.

So,again,stop a moment,really think about your situation,pull yourself together and get your act together.Give yourself the chance to feel whole and happy once again.All the best.

[vanheart]

First of all, you haven't lost anything.

Just a user.

"if she calls me for anything and any problem, i'm just not able to ignore"

That's exactly what you have to do. She's your problem.
The moment you realize that, go NC. You will become YOU again. Not at her will.

Once you remove he & this, you can concentrate on all of the other things. The more important ones.

Im happy that your family cares so much.

But, your #1 responsibility is you.
Don't carry others weight. That can get heavy.

[Shadowburn]

Hi Rahul - I don't where you are now, but you sound severely depressed. Is it possible for you to get into therapy? I agree with others - this girl not worthy of your love but of course you don't see it right now. Go NC, give time and distance to help you to put things in perspective. We all had our hearts completely shattered at some point, and we all understand how much pain you're feeling right now. Please get some help, because being alone with no one to support you will make it only worse for you.
Or trust your loving and supportive family, go back to them and let them comfort you. I know you feel you can't put them through this, but they'd rather know what's going on then find out you killed yourself over this obsession.