[aivrsn75phila]

No one will date me, talk to me, not even look at me. Is it because I am black?
Should I Michael Jacksonize myself to become at least visible or remain invisible forever?

[Curlyben]

I think your problem is more to do with low self esteem and bad self image.
The colour of your skin has NOTHING to do with this at all.

[asking]

Yes! Being black definitely makes it harder to date.

The dating site OKcupid analyzed data from its own users and found that skin color influenced how likely people were to respond to messages. You can read it here:

How Your Race Affects The Messages You Get OkTrends

You will have to overcome this handicap and people's stereotypes about what you are like.

[Kitkat22]

I don't think being black has anything do with it. Do you dress nicely? Well groomed? Having a good attitude and being confident in yourself will help more than anything.

Attitude is the thing , no matter what color you are.

[aivrsn75phila]

To: curlyben- what to do?

To: kitkat22- yes I always dress nicely and am groomed but I don't always have a good attitude. I am mainly silent around people. I have no confidence, at least not anymore

[Kitkat22]

to: curlyben- what to do?

to: kitkat22- yes I always dress nicely and am groomed but I don't always have a good attitude. I am mainly silent around people. I have no confidence, at least not anymore

Why did you lose your confidence?

[aivrsn75phila]

To: kitkat22- too many reasons, niceness and good deeds are never reciprocated, too many failures with women, lack of responsiveness to me...

[Kitkat22]

to: kitkat22- too many reasons, niceness and good deeds are never reciprocated, too many failures with women, lack of responsiveness to me...

First let me say this.. Never be ashamed of who you are.
Start your day by thinking good thoughts.
You've been hurt? Join the club, we all have. You've done good deeds that have gone unrewarded? Why do you think you wake up every morning? That's a reward. It's like having a clean sheet of paper and a new pen, you get to start another day with a clean slate.

First of all your attitude needs to change. When you do good deeds, you do them for the joy of doing them and you don't expect anything in return. You have made someone happy or given someone a gift.

Your black... so what? You should be proud of your race and you should show that in the way you deal with people. Never walk with your head down. Stand straight and tall and look people straight in the eye when you talk to them. Start interacting with friends and people you want to socialize with.

You can tell a man by the way he shakes your hand or offers his seat in
A crowded room to a lady or an older person. Be proud when you walk into a room and show it in the way you walk and the way you speak.
Have an "attitude", by that I mean don't be arrogant, be different. Stand out. Self confidence is the word.

[QLP]

I suspect an honest answer would be that the colour of your skin would matter to some people. Then again people have all sorts of preferances - skin colour, hair colour, height, weight, etc. The people I prefer to be with look more closely at what is on the inside than the outside. Of course there are racists out there, but they are the ones that should be looking at changing themselves, definitely not you considering 'doing a Michael Jackson.'

I'm an average lady I guess and I'm never going to be a 6 foot blonde supermodel so I won't be everyone's cup of tea. Pah, who wants to be with someone who justs wants arm-candy? It's about accepting who you are and sharing your life with people who love you for exactly that.

What is important is that you learn to love yourself. So, time to get working on your confidence. If you don't know what to say around people try taking a genuine interest in what they have to say, being a good listener is a valuable skill. When you do have something to say, go for it, your opinion is as valuable as anyone else's. If you are doing nice things for people and they are not reciprocating perhaps it is time you started asking for what you want from people. Value and respect your own time and abilities. Don't allow yourself to be used, but give generously when you want to, not because you feel oblilged to and expect something back.

Maybe you are hanging around with the wrong kind of people. Take some time to think about who you are and what you like and where you might meet kindred spirits.

[martinizing2]

Dating is a learning experience . Ya got to learn how to get them.

Most guys aren't good at it at first. But you need to keep at it.
You will get your ego bruised.
You probably will do some dumb stuff. Everybody does.
But you'll get it.

Ya can't win if you quit playing.

I can tell you are smart and use your head. You proved that by looking for answers instead of acting out. Mature attitude.

And that Michael Jackson thing... try to look as bad as he did?
Mike didn't look good. Because he tried to be someone else.

If you are serious about that I'll find out where you are and hire some big dude to kick you in the butt.

Be proud you are who and what you are.

Do some genealogy . When you know more about your heritage , you will have more reason to be proud of it.

The girls will be noticing you , don't give up. That seldom helps.

[asking]

The okcupid data from a million users indicate that only 21.7 percent of women reply when a black man contacts them compared to 29.2 percent of women when the man is white. Only 17% of Asian women answer a black man's first message, 19% of Latinas, and 21% of white women, and 28% of black women. For comparison, when a white man writes to a woman, the numbers are much higher:
Asian: 29%, Latina: 38%, White: 29%, and Black: 39%.

When people are asked if they approve of interracial marriage, virtually everybody says they are fine with it, but their behavior is quite different.

White men are most likely to be responded to and the least likely of all men to respond to messages from women. Gay men also prefer white men. Lesbians respond regardless of race.

Does that mean you should give up? No! But it's good to know what you are up against. I have noticed since obama became president that black men are much more likely to make friendly gestures, like open the door for me or make neutral/casual eye contact on the street. I don't mean flirting, just making simple eye contact. I did not even realize how much of that was missing until it changed. It's refreshing.

Here's the link again.

How Your Race Affects The Messages You Get OkTrends

[martinizing2]

to: kitkat22- too many reasons, niceness and good deeds are never reciprocated, too many failures with women, lack of responsiveness to me...

Don't worry about reciprocation for niceness and good deeds.
Do it because it is the right thing to do.

If you expect nothing back you are not disappointed .

No response , and failure...
You aren't the only member of this club. Failure with women happens 24/7 X 365 . We all get a share.

And learn to deal with. As you will too.

[QLP]

The okcupid data from a million users indicate that only 21.7 percent of women reply when a black man contacts them compared to 29.2 percent of women when the man is white. Only 17% of Asian women answer a black man's first message, 19% of Latinas, and 21% of white women, and 28% of black women.

That's still a lot of potentials!

[martinizing2]

65.43% of all Statistics are fabricated.

[asking]

M2, I understand that numbers can be confusing. But if you take the time to read the discussion at the site I posted, you'll see that this is quite good data, not "fabricated" statistics.

[aivrsn75phila]

To: asking- no thanks

[aimee_tt]

aivrsn75phila don't worry about your skin colour. Its who you are on the inside that really counts. The people who don't talk to you because of your colour are no one id want to be friends with.

My mum always told me to treat others how I want to be treated. So I do in the hope some day someone will return the favour. If not I know I have lived my life trying to make a difference.

[Kitkat22]

That is right. But in this case it is slapping us in the face , making it hard not to acknowledge.

But any effort to stop it should be applauded .

I think we brought our children up with the right attitudes. We always said; treat people the way you want to be treated, never judge anyone by what they have or don't have and being racist is just a form of ignorance, no matter how smart or intelligent you are. Good training and good kids. I would never ever tolerate one of my children being racist or thinking they were better than someone.

[asking]

That is right. But in this case it is slapping us in the face , making it hard not to acknowledge.

? I guess I don't understand what you mean. You say it's hard not to acknowledge. You don't think racism should be acknowledged? Or you feel I am personally slapping you in the face for posting a link? I'm pretty confused about where you are coming from. I feel like I offended you, but not sure how.

The title of this thread is about dating and racism, so I thought this information was about as relevant to the OP's original question as possible.

Obviously, there's lots more to successful dating than being the right color. And I agree with you that anything that reduces racism is a good thing.

[aimee_tt]

Not Necessary. Im Trying not to be racist. Yes I do have a problem with one race in particular but that's because of the way they have treated me personally. Other than that, If I were on a dating sight there are a few races where I haven't so far seen someone I find attractive. So naturally I wouldn't reply to them. Not because I'm racist but because I'm not attracted to them at all. If it were just to make friends then yes I would reply but as it is a dating sight if I'm not attracted even a little then I'm not going to reply.