[marydaveohno]

I've known this guy for two years. We just started sleeping together again, but his style has not changed. I try to teach him, but he doesn't want me to tell him what to do. I let him take control, but he rushes through the foreplay and is usually inside of me for no longer than 5 minutes. Sometimes my shirt doesn't even come off. I'm 33 and he's 26. I dated a 19 year old that sexed it up ten-fold better than him. I'm so discouraged, but I know with a little instruction he can be better. Any ideas on how I can talk to him about this?

[Cat1864]

What do you mean by 'just started sleeping together again'? To be honest it sounds like you are getting an 'old fashioned shag'. What it sounds like you want is a more satisfying (for you) one.

Have you tried talking with him about it when you aren't in the bedroom or engaged in sexual acts?

How do you try to 'teach' him? Are you putting a positive spin on what he is doing right and guiding him to do better or are you telling him that he is doing it wrong and to do it your way?

Is he afraid of not lasting even five minutes if he slows things down? Any health issues or stresses that might have him concerned about his performance?

Perhaps you could try some intimate games where each person takes turns doing something to the other person. There are several versions on the market or you can make your own with index cards and imagination. It may be a non-threatening way to show him different ways to do things.

[smoothy]

And "old fashioned shag" is exactly what you appear to be getting... you appear to be after a "hot LOVEMAKING session".

And Minuteman either doesn't have a clue or doesn't care since you have clearly told him, he can't plead ignorance to the situation..

[troublemakerman]

And "old fashioned shag" is exactly what you appear to be getting......you appear to be after a "hot LOVEMAKING session".

And Minuteman either doesn't have a clue or doesn't care since you have clearly told him, he can't plead ignorance to the situation..

What is an old fashioned shag??

[smoothy]

What is an old fashioned shag??????????????

Pure and simple sex for the sake of sex... no long foreplay...

"Shag" is a term that was used more in England than the USA, but it was used here and its an archaic term as its slang for intercourse that been in use for nearly 40 year old or more.

[slapshot_oi]

Any ideas on how I can talk to him about this?

If he doesn't listen there's really not much else you can do. Sounds to me like he just doesn't care.

[beachloverjohn]

Just tell him he is a dissapointment in bed.No man wants to hear that.. Guarantee he will ask you what he is doing wrong..

[Fr_Chuck]

Don't spread your legs until you and he have talked

If he will not talk and listen, then stop spreading your legs for him

[Kitkat22]

I thought it was a haircut from the seventys. Wrong!!

[kp2171]

If it isn't worth his time to get into your head, it isn't worth your time to let him into your pants.

I am grateful for the strong, push-me-to-the-wall women who demanded what they needed and wanted from me.

First... it wasn't always the same. There is no single "recipe"... what one lover absolutely needed to get off every time, the next lover absolutely hated. Hated. Big H.

So... I'm OK with any woman needing to perhaps give a lover some direction and perspective.

I'm not OK with his ignoring you. And that's what he is doing.

...

One of the worst-ending relationships I had (major crash and burn in the end) was one of the best... in that we really talked openly about sex, threw away pretense, we read books and shared them... eventually, the things she needed as "foreplay"... which really had NOTHING to do with kissing or petting or necking or whatever... the sensual tension built up by patient skin on skin contact... that need of hers developed into a need of mine.

Her need became my ritual. And my anticipation. And my tension.

So... again... I don't expect him to know what you need. I don't even expect him to be comfortable admitting to not knowing what you need.

I do expect you to direct him. Directly.

If you tell him "touch me here slowly" or "kiss here" with fingers pointing or whatever... and he does not listen... then he is not an attentive lover. And you know this.

And we have many, many posts about men who are "good-guys-but"... meaning they are great in many ways but are not attentive in bed.

Sex isn't all there is to any relationship... but it isn't something to ignore. Sensual intimacy is one of serveral pillars that support a relationship, and the stronger each pillar is, the better the relationship can last though those rough spots.

You deserve to be chased... and part of being chased is having your needs, desires, and wants served... from your lover, with real joy in seeing you pleased.

[smoothy]

I thought it was a haircut from the seventys. wrong!!!

Ahhhhhhh! That prompted visions of the Mullet popping into my head! :eek:

[Cat1864]

Shag is also a dance form: YouTube - carolina shag dance

Back to the topic, I hope you are working on communicating with each other in and out of bed.

[Chevy36]

That's pretty simple, stop letting him take control. Try running the show for one night and just watch things get better. Make him work for it and the sex will def be better...

[justmenow]

Don't bother talking to 26 year old, get yourself a 45 year old, he will be so grateful he will do as he is told to make you happy?

[JudyKayTee]

This is from August 2010 - I'm sure the problem is solved by now.

Please keep an eye on the dates.

How old are you?