[CnA_101709]

Okay so, me and this guy have a very complicated history, we'll just call him 'Antone'. It all started back in the beginning of my sophomore year, I was dating this guy, but he was not the best boyfriend. He would try to talk to girls behind my back, but I would always find out. He would hook up with girls at parties, then deny it. It was not a very good relationship. But me and this guy had been good friends for a while before we dated. But, while I was with him me and Antone started talking, Antone is two years older than me. We would text each other all the time, and we had a class together so we would talk then too. But I thought nothing of it because at the time I loved my boyfriend. Buuut, he ended up cheating on me with my cousin, so I said that's it. I broke up with him on a Friday. Theeen, Antone came over and visited me at my friend's house the next day, annnd we ended up... well you know, doing it. The date was August 29, 2009. And it was my first time :| I knew what I was doing was veeery wrong, and I still loved my ex, but I don't know why I let it come to that. After Antone left, I remember getting into bed with my friend, and I started crying. I told her that I didn't want him to be my first, and that I still loved my ex, and that I wanted it to be him. But there was nothing I could do, it was to late. Soo, somehow, by Tuesday everybody at school heard what happened. It cause problems for Antone and my ex, they almost got into a fight this one time in the store during lunch. It was all bad. Here is the weird part, I did not like Antone at all after what happened between me and him. But he liked me, he wanted me to be his girlfriend. He was always texting me, and calling me. Not in a creepy way, looking back on it, it was nice. But what he didn't tell me was that he had a girlfriend at the time :| the very first night he came over to see me, I asked him 'You don't have a girlfriend right?' and he said 'Naa, I don't'. But he lied, that also caused drama for me and his ex girlfriend. So every weekend after that first night, he would come and spend time with me at my friends house, he saw me as more than a friend, but I didn't. And we didn't have sex again until my birthday, which was like a month later. I remember I would be so mean to him, I would tell him to go home, that I didn't like him, I would tell him to his face that I still loved my ex. But still, he wouldn't give up. And no matter how mean I was to him, he would be nice to me. I would tell him to get back with his girlfriend, but he would say no cause he thought that if he got back with her, I would never like him. So, are relationship after the first night was really weird. Me and him were not together, but we would still do it. Then on October 17, 2009, he called me and told me he loved me... I was all like oh... uhm... okay... And every time he told me he loved me, I would just tell him okay. Cause I didn't love him. But a little after that, I started to warm up to him. Me and him would talk for hours on the phone about anything and everything, I was completely comfortable around him, I could be myself around him, I just loved to be around him, we were happy when we were together. And that's when I started to be jealous. So, I guess you can say out of nowhere I fell in love with him. But, then he started talking to his ex again. But still, every single weekend for months straight, he would be with me, and he would spend the whole weekend with me. But just like my ex, he would talk to girls behind my back. And still, I would keep him around. Then on Halloween, he told me not to text him because his sister was going to use his phone. Which was a lie, because my best friend stopped by his house to get some candy, and what do you know, his ex is sitting on the couch. His sister was never using his phone, he just said that cause he was with her. But they never told me, and later that night, he went to go see me at my friends boyfriend's house. Not to long after that, he would have lunch with her everyday at school, he would sneak around to talk to me, cause she would get mad. And he would sneak around to talk to her, cause I would get mad. And I knew what was going on, but still I would keep him around. And still, every weekend, he would be with me. This went on for a while, and it just got worse. It seemed like no matter what he did, I would forgive him and act like it never happened. But now, when I would tell him that I wanted to be with him, he would say 'You should have been with me when I wanted to be with you'. Time when by, and my cousin ended up fighting his ex girlfriend. Then the same day she came back from being suspended for fighting my cousin, I fought her. Antone was mad about that and said that he never wanted to talk to me again. And I was hurt because it was like he was choosing her over me, so I told him that I didn't care, that he meant nothing to me anyway. At that point, my friends thought he was no good, they did not want me to be with him, and they did not want me to talk to him. They hated him. But, after a while me and him started talking again. We would never talk during school, but we would text all the time. So we were like secret friends. This went on for a while, until I ended up getting into another fight, and getting kicked out of school. I started going to a new school, but me and Antone still talked over text and on the phone. A couple weeks after I started me new school, Antone came to visit me at another friend's house. Unlike all me other friends, she still liked him. She said as long as I was happy with him, she was happy. So me and Antone were sitting on the couch in the living room, watching a movie, when he fell asleep. Now, Antone always has his phone with him, and he never before let me go threw it. Even though I would let him go threw my phone. So while he was asleep, I went threw his phone. There were text messages from like four different girls, not including his ex. And they weren't just any 'oh, how are you doing' text messages. They were ones where he was flirting with the girls, telling them that he wants to see them. What made it worse was I knew two of the girls, one was my friend, and one was my cousin. I woke him up and told him that I didn't want him here with me, that he needed to go home. He looked at me all confused. And I told him I went threw his phone, and saw all the text messages. And all he had to say was... 'Why did you go threw my phone' That's it, he didn't try to explain himself, or say sorry. But, when he got up to leave, I told him NOT to leave, and I started crying. I told him that 'I don't care what you do, just don't leave me' and what do you know, no less than 10 minuets later, it was like nothing ever happened. After that, a boy at school started to catch my attention. I started to like him, and he liked me. So after a while, during school, I wouldn't text Antone. Sometimes, I would go for days with out texting him, but I would end up calling him and telling him I'm sorry for not texting him, I've just been busy. So me and this other guy started talking, and it was nice. Before, I would constantly have to be texting Antone, cause I felt like if I was always talking to him somehow, he wouldn't be able to do anything bad. But it was different now, I guess you can say I started to let him go, and except the fact that me and him would never work out. But that's when Antone started texting me, telling me that he missed me, and that he loved me. It like, all of a sudden you miss me a**hole? So, I started dating the new guy, and me and Antone started talking. But somehow, me and Antone started talking again. But this time it was different, I wouldn't call him as often, and I was a smart a** with him on the phone, and I wouldn't tell him I loved him. But Antone didn't know I was dating that guy. I just never told him, I don't know why. So finally I got up the courage to tell him, and he said I was a stupid a**, that I was fake. And he said 'F**k it, I'm in the army' and he hung up on me. We didn't talk for a month after that, at that point Antone had to go somewhere to sign papers to get officially sworn into the army. So I guess when he came back, he texted me out of nowhere and said for me to call him. So like an idiot I did. We talked for a long time, just catching up, and he said that he missed me, and that he loved me. But that he got back with his ex girlfriend. So time passed, and we still talked and we met up once, and we... well yeah, did it again. It just seems like we can't be faithful to anyone when we're together. Me and that guy end up breaking up two months after what happened, we decided to stay just as friends. A couple weeks ago, Antone called and said that it just sucks cause he wants to be with me, but he can't. So now, are relationship is basically this, we talk on the phone every day. We make plans to see each other. Once in a while, We'll tell each other we love each other. But... we're not together and he has a girlfriend, Antone says were best friends. And in October, he is leaving to the army. He tells me that all him and his girlfriend do is fight, and that's why he loves me because I don't fight with him. But, the only reason I don't fight with his is because I don't want to give him a reason to leave me. But, WE'RE NOT EVEN TOGETHER! I just don't understand :( I'm not an idiot, I know me and Antone are not good for each other, I know he has a girlfriend, I know he's a player, I know that he does bad stuff behind my back, and I tell myself 'You can't get mad, he's not your boyfriend. Don't worry about what he's doing, who he's with, and who he's talking to. That's not your problem. It's hers.' But I can't seem to stick to that. So my questions are: Why can't I let him go? Why can't I just be his friend and that's it? Why can't I just STOP talking to him all together? Why can't I just accept the fact that he has a girlfriend, and that me and him are never going to be more than just best friends?
{Keep in mind that this is starting from August 29, 2009 to present. And the fact that this started when I was a sophomore and he was a senior, and it is still happening now that I'm starting my junior year, and Antone is already out of school} I know I'm still young, but... I need good advice, help :|
p.s. to get a better understanding of are relationship, listen to the songs 'Can't Let You Go' by Fabulous, 'Lie About Us' by Avant, and 'Best friends' by 50cent. Please, keep all rude comments to yourself okay.


If you have any questions about my story, just ask.

[Imabadman]

Yeah... can you break that into paragraphs so it can be read?

[talaniman]

A couple weeks ago, Antone called and said that it just sucks cause he wants to be with me, but he can't. So now, are relationship is basically this, we talk on the phone every day. We make plans to see each other. Once in a while, We'll tell each other we love each other. But... we're not together and he has a girlfriend, Antone says were best friends. And in October, he is leaving to the army. He tells me that all him and his girlfriend do is fight, and that's why he loves me because I don't fight with him. But, the only reason I don't fight with his is because I don't want to give him a reason to leave me. But, WE'RE NOT EVEN TOGETHER! I just don't understand I'm not an idiot, I know me and Antone are not good for each other, I know he has a girlfriend, I know he's a player, I know that he does bad stuff behind my back, and I tell myself 'You can't get mad, he's not your boyfriend. Don't worry about what he's doing, who he's with, and who he's talking to. That's not your problem. It's hers.' But I can't seem to stick to that.

This gets to the heart of things until you can edit your post into smaller paragraphs for everyone to be able to read.

So my questions are: Why can't I let him go?

You have allowed him back into your life. So you have never tried NO CONTACT!

Why can't I just be his friend and that's it?

Because old feelings keep being stirred around in your heart by being in contact with him.

Why can't I just STOP talking to him all together?

Because stopping all contact is hard, darn hard, and its easier to be in denial, through false hope.

Why can't I just accept the fact that he has a girlfriend, and that me and him are never going to be more than just best friends?

Simply put, its because you are unwilling to do the hard work it takes to start, and stick to NO CONTACT as you build a life that you enjoy without him in it. I understand, as NO CONTACT is the hardest thing you have probably had to do for yourself, and like many before you in the same situation, its not unusual that you chose the softer, easier way of false hope and denial. But as you are finding out, or will find out, what you're doing is NOT a good solution. Healing is and that process starts with NO CONTACT.

[CnA_101709]

Where do I go to edit my question? So I can put it in paragraphs for you guys.