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Worrywartinlove · Aug 17, 2010, 05:13 AM

Hello! My boyfriend of 3+ years get upset when I worry about him. Is that normal? EXAMPLE: Normally we talk to each other at some point after work and again before we go to bed, although he says Im not allowed to expect that I can talk to him each day. Have any expectations of when/frequency of when we speak to each other. Also, he is attached to his cell phone and is always checking his email, headlines, Facebook, email etc. With those two things being said, in my 3 + years of dating him I have never not been able to get a hold of him either via text, email, or phone. Last night I spoke to him around 7pm and he was still at work. Around 10:30, I still haven't heard from him and I was wanting to go to bed soon, so I called him. I also sent a text shortly after that said Im sure your probably busy, I'm just worried could you please text back and let me know that your OK. 11, 11:30 rolls by, call again, send a few more texts... NOTHING. As this is NOT like him to at least be checking his phone for email, Facebook etc around 1:00 am I become extrmely WORRIED about him and if he is OK. Not knowing if he ever even made it home safely from work. He mentioned that he frequents this bar near him on Monday nights. Because it was so uncommon for these things to happen, I call the bar and fighting back tears, tell the person answering that Im really worried about my boyfriend, Im not sure if he made it home from work, and its not like him to not have his phone and asked if she knew if he was there. She asked for his name and a description and when I told her, she said Does he live in XXX apartment community in aptX, then Yeah he was here. I responded, oh thank god, I was worried that he wasn't OK. She then offered that he had been there drinking for a while, but that he should have been OK to drive home.

Because of my worry for his safety I called the bar. Was that wrong of me? My motives were completely sincere and had NOTHING to do with checking up on him, etc. Do I deserve to have him yealling and angry at me for it? He says if anyone else did that they would break up with their girflfriend asap. What are your thoughts?

kaka67 · Aug 17, 2010, 05:22 AM

Well I know you "think" you were only thinking of his well being but to him your being a bit smothering.

He's an adult. You're an adult.

Calling the bar was over the top.

Why do you think the worst when you don't hear from him?

Insecure?

Worrywartinlove · Aug 17, 2010, 05:28 AM

Perhaps I do worry too much. I guess when you get into a routine for 3+ years and then one night it doesn't happen and there is no way to get ahold of him, I became worried and assumed the worst.

I am battling with insecurities. When we first met, he told me he was divorcing his wife little did I know that while we were dating and getting serious that he was seeking marriage counseling rather than meeting with his attorneys like he claimed. Ever since he up and left me, I have been insecure about myself, although I try to keep it under control.

kaka67 · Aug 17, 2010, 05:32 AM

Wow you left a lot of info out of your original question.

So you basically saying you were the second choice because the counselling didn't work?

Sorry. That's the way it sounds to me.

Worrywartinlove · Aug 17, 2010, 05:35 AM

So I was wrong for calling, being worried about him when uncommon events occur is not normal, and Im a sloppy second. Thanks for your honesty.

QLP · Aug 17, 2010, 05:35 AM

What is the big picture here? Is he divorced now? Was he cheating on his wife with you?

Worrywartinlove · Aug 17, 2010, 05:38 AM

He has been divorced for more than 2 years now. He went back to the wife for about 6 months and left her again. He called me back and we have been dating ever since. He says he wasn't cheating on either one of us because he wasn't "sleeping" with us both at the same period. QLP, any thoughts you can shed would be greatly appreciated.

QLP · Aug 17, 2010, 05:56 AM

You seemed quite upset when kaka suggested you might be his second choice. Granted not something any of us would like to hear, but I'm wondering if that is actually a worry in the back of your mind? Has the shaky start to your relationship left you feeling insecure with him? Have you resolved what happened at the beginning? I mean did he actually ever say he was happy to have decided it was over with his wife and wanted to be with you?

It seems like you are looking for reassurance from him and he is pulling away at times. After all if you feel that someone is chasing you the natural reaction is to run.

Are you genuely worried for his safety when he's not around and not just feeling insecure? Has anything happened to anyone in your past like someone having an accident or something?

I'm not trying to suggest anything specific at the moment I'm just fishing around a little to see if I can help you make any sense of this.

Worrywartinlove · Aug 17, 2010, 08:35 AM

I wasn't upset and apologize if I seemed defensive. I was just summarizing the points and thanked him for his honesty. Those things are difficult to hear, but I genuinely appreciated his honesty. Often times the things that are tought to hear are the things we need to hear the most.

I don't think being in second has really ever crossed my mind until kaka pointed it out. I have been fearful of him up and leaving again with no inidcation to me that it is going to occur again. We argue a lot of about stupid stuff and in the midst of that arguing he calls me some pretty awful names. I think it's the name calling and the fact that I have gained a few pounds that makes me feel insecure. I have been actively working out to try to fix the me part. It's the verbal abuse I feel is causing most of the insecurity though. I could be wrong.

At one point he did say that he was happy he went back so he would ever wonder if it could have worked and then blamed me for ruining it. He says that by leaving and going back he knew for sure that that is not what he wanted, and that I was what he wanted. You bring about a great point about the chasing. I honestly didn't think of it as chasing. I grew up in a very close family and when things happened out of the ordinarywe worried and checked in. That's normal to me. This is the first time in our 3 + years that I have ever been worried enough to call. I guess I didn't see it as being a bad thing. I cared enough to want to make sure he was safe and not harmed as its highly unsuaul that he isn't attached to the phone, especially at the hour on a work night to boot.

I have had a few accidents in my past that have caused me to worry. My brother hung himself, and I have felt guilty all along for not knowing what he was going through and being there to help him when he needed it. My boyfriend has shared with me that he attempted suicide when he went back to his wife, and that they only thing that stopped hom for continuing on was that he knew it would have hurt me and he didn't want to leave me with that pain. Because of that I worry. He lost his job and he's extremely tight on money, so I worry that the stresss will throw him over the edge.

I APPRECIATE you time and thoughts. If Im wrong, Im wrong. I just want to try to fix this.

Homegirl 50 · Aug 17, 2010, 09:15 AM

He sounds like a creep to me.
I'm still trying to grasp this statement although he says Im not allowed to expect that I can talk to him each day. have any expectations of when/frequency of when we speak to each other. Also, he is attached to his cell phone and is always checking his email, headlines, facebook, email etc.
Seems to me you are around for his benefit only.

QLP · Aug 17, 2010, 11:27 AM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He sounds like a creep to me.
I'm still trying to grasp this statement although he says Im not allowed to expect that I can talk to him each day. have any expectations of when/frequency of when we speak to each other. Also, he is attached to his cell phone and is always checking his email, headlines, facebook, email etc.
Seems to me you are around for his benefit only.

I'm wondering about that too. There's a lot of different strands here I'm trying to fathom. It doesn't sound like this guy treats you very well but I don't know if he is just lashing out verbally because he feels smothered by your worries, or if his behaviour towards you is fueling your insecurities, or both. I'm so sorry for what happened to your brother and I can fully understand why you would worry about someone who admits to having tried to commit suicide.

I think it would be wise to for you to see a counsellor and really talk this through with someone to get some perspective on your worries. Then, when you are ready, see about getting that guy of yours along too to work on your relationship.

talaniman · Aug 17, 2010, 01:09 PM

You are way over the top, but I don't blame you, as his actions are suspect to me, for someone who cares supposedly in a 3 year relationship.

You have been carrying one heavy burden alone for a long time, and its high time to lighten that burden fast. The only weight you should be concerned with losing is his very unhealthy a$$.