[Immortelle]

I instinctively think I AM in an emotionally abusive relationship, but it's REALLY difficult to swallow. I'm afraid everyone will tell me "just get out now"~ which is sound advice, but hardly descriptive enough. Here's some background information:

We met one year ago. He's from Armenia, and his culture and views on family were so interesting to me mainly because the relationships I've been in never work and my family isn't exactly close. Anyway, we professed the status of 'soul mates' and felt this (what I thought to be) inextinguishable passion for each other. I was free and happy then: he was fascinated by me blah blah blah. He then began to share with me how, by being with me (an American woman who ISN'T a virgin) would destroy his respect back home. He then began teaching me how to present myself: be more elegant, not wear revealing clothes, not talk with boys, etc. It really felt as though he was helping me. Of course, he would get angry when I did things he didn't approve regarding clothes or interaction with customers at my job.

Okay: so we had this long distance relationship for 7 months or so: I wasn't allowed to hang out with people late: no drinking: no boys: which, really, was great advice, but it felt (and still feels) like I'm not doing these things to avoid his anger). He eventually moved to my state and pushed the subject of starting a new business with some money I came into... eventually we moved 3000 miles away from my home.

So now I'm here, living with him. I do all of the cleaning/laundry/cooking-- and if I don't or if I express that I'm tired (I pay all the bills and work two jobs on top of this) he mocks me. I eventually feel guilty for complaining. I'm so uninterested in sex: and this angers him. He pushed me away in bed this morning when I said no~ and he acts irritated (I guess I would be too). I haven't gone anywhere in this new town, and haven't made any new friends. He has though--- he goes out from time to time: although I'm never invited... and if I ask what he did, he tells me "it's not interesting for you."

I'm rambling at this point: I really haven't been able to talk with anyone, mainly because I'm so ashamed for so many reasons. I allowed this control to happen... or I'm unable to be this super woman he's looking for at every turn. In our arguments he now tells me "you're not who I thought you were"-- and other really hurtful statements.

Ultimately, I know I need to end this, but I don't know where to start. I've tried before, and he just comes back, or I cave in, or SOMETHING. All of his stuff is here and he has no where else to sleep... and he's really mean when we fight... as if I'm disgusting. If I bring up my issues with him, he asks in annoyed tone "what do you want? WHAT do you want from me?" and I never have a good enough answer... I want understanding? I want to maturely talk about this? After our arguments he seems to give up after all my tears and does a 180 for about a week until I don't press a shirt properly or make the bed.

Rambling: I just want to know the best approach for ending this. I don't want to accuse him to point fingers... because it took two people to get into this mess... and I feel as though I am partially to blame. Any help is appreciated. Thanks for making it this far.

[Kitkat22]

You don't have to have an approach to get away from him. Pack your things and leave. If you don't it will get worse.

Get away. Have someone come and help you get your things.
If you're scared have the police come with you.

[vanheart]

His values are such of control & submission. A slave, not a woman or relationship.

Get away from this & far away.

And KitKat's right, if you need to get the authorities involved, then do so.

[Immortelle]

Leaving the apartment is tricky: my name is on the lease and I furnished the place. But thinking about it, I could talk with the apartment complex and see if there's a way out. Thank you for the advice, however. I'm sure you all get these exhaustive discussions often.

Maybe a better question is: how do I muster up the confidence to stop being in denial and just leave?

[Kitkat22]

Leaving the apartment is tricky: my name is on the lease and I furnished the place. But thinking about it, I could talk with the apartment complex and see if there's a way out. Thank you for the advice, however. I'm sure you all get these exhaustive discussions often.

Maybe a better question is: how do I muster up the confidence to stop being in denial and just leave?

You are your own woman. I'll bet you weren't like this before. Look at the young woman you were before and the woman you are now.

I'll bet you were independent and he's trying to take that from you, he almost had you right under his thumb. Think of how great you will feel not having to walk on eggshells anymore. You will get your confidence back as soon as you leave him.

[vanheart]

For your own well-being.

This will not get better no matter what you say to him.

Get out of the lease & don't worry about the furniture.

If he wants to stay, then so be it.

Your peace of mind & safety are worth more than "things"

[Immortelle]

Understood: Thank you for such swift replies~ It really helped me just to get that extra quick outside perspective. I'll update you all with how it goes: maybe the information will help others in my situation.

[vanheart]

For sure. Do you have family & friends?

[Kitkat22]

For sure. Do you have family & friends?

We're here when you need us. Good luck:)

[Immortelle]

Not here, no. I seemed to have cut everyone off. What a horrible mistake.

That aside, I have my own car and my own phone, so if all things turn sour, I have great options to utilize:) Support systems are developed things, you know? Being online is my best resource before trying to re-establish everything else.

Deep breaths make the world go 'round.

[vanheart]

Ok, then. Im here.

[asking]

The situation you are describing is classic controlling/abusive behavior. It is not your fault that you have lost confidence. He has been assaulting you emotionally for months and you have been trying so hard to meet him--way more than half way, more like 98% of the way. The more you give in to his demands the more he will demand. Now that you are so isolated and exhausted, he has even more power over you.

I was in such a relationship.

Various advice. Make sure not to get pregnant. Don't try to understand him except to the extent that you need to be able outmaneuver him. It's a waste of your energy and toxic to be inside his head.

Try to stay clear headed. Forgive yourself any mistakes you make. Be safe. The sooner you can get away from him the better. This man is not your friend anymore. He believes women are his inferiors and that you are essentially his slave. He may think and speak in politer terms, but that's what it comes down to.

It's possible he may become violent if he realizes you want to leave him. Your best guide to whether that could happen is your own instincts. Are you at all afraid of him physically? This is an important question. Your safety is more important that anything else.

You sound like a sensible and intelligent woman. Good luck!
We are rooting for you here.

[talaniman]

If it comes down to it, forget the lease, just leave, and let him worry about it. If you have to, disappear from his life. You can build a better one.

[Immortelle]

What a powerful community: I will stay clear headed and focused (there's the battle)-- as it seems to be the only thing that keeps me from being inside his head... it's there that I think myself and others who experience this, lose themselves... their identity. Your insights and reassurances are limitlessly helpful.

My nerves are through the clichéd roof- sweaty palms and all. For future on-lookers, after that initial decision to finally end it occurs, the doubt is just creeping from all angles ;) Be weary! He's 'out with friends'-- I thought he would be at the apartment (hungry--wanting food) and practiced my calm reasoning all the way home. Oh: another several hours? Eternity.

I keep thinking of my well-being... other women who have stood up against worse... and those who need the reinforcement to recognize that stopping it before it begins to get worse is key.

Lol: the writing is helping.

[Kitkat22]

What a powerful community: I will stay clear headed and focused (there's the battle)-- as it seems to be the only thing that keeps me from being inside his head... it's there that I think myself and others who experience this, lose themselves... their identity. Your insights and reassurances are limitlessly helpful.

My nerves are through the cliched roof- sweaty palms and all. For future on-lookers, after that initial decision to finally end it occurs, the doubt is just creeping from all angles ;) Be weary! He's 'out with friends'-- I thought he would be at the apartment (hungry--wanting food) and practiced my calm reasoning all the way home. Oh: another several hours? Eternity.

I keep thinking of my well-being... other women who have stood up against worse... and those who need the reinforcement to recognize that stopping it before it begins to get worse is key.

lol: the writing is helping.

Call a friend. Don't let him intimidate you anymore. Is it safe ? Will you be safe confronting him alone? Why not just leave and let him have the place.

[vanheart]

Yes, stay focused.
Let other people know your plan. To be safe.

Take the steps you need to get out. Don't get into it w/him.

Who knows? maybe you can just split w/o anymore contact or eggshells.

Escape.

[Kitkat22]

Has he ever been physically abusive ?

[aimee_tt]

Does he work? If he does take a day off your work and get as much as you can out of your house. Hire someone to help you if you must.

Before you do this start putting your stuff together in a way he won't notice. Maybe put all your clothes into a washing basket and say your going to go through them all. You want to clean your cubard out. Then they are all handy for you.

Then leave before he comes home. You may not get all that you want. But if he goes to work the next day you could return for the rest.

[Immortelle]

He's thrown money at me earlier this week after an argument. Other than that, no physical abuse to report. He really is well intentioned for the most part.

Gut thoughts: Am I afraid to confront him? Yes. Will he harm me physically? No. Will he treat me very poorly? Yeah. He's SO good at being persuasive. If I don't stand up for myself, I really will be frightened for a long time... no matter where I go. If I do this correctly, it will be okay. I talked with my boss (really the only person I could think of) about my intentions: so that's somewhat covered. It's just the act of confronting him that scares me. If this DOESN'T work, then 'escape' will be the course of action. Again, I feel like I allowed this control to happen. Therefore, it's my responsibility to try and stop it.

Sticks and stones...

[Kitkat22]

He's thrown money at me earlier this week after an argument. Other than that, no physical abuse to report. He really is well intentioned for the most part.

Gut thoughts: Am I afraid to confront him? Yes. Will he harm me physically? No. Will he treat me very poorly? Yeah. He's SO good at being persuasive. If I don't stand up for myself, I really will be frightened for a long time... no matter where I go. If I do this correctly, it will be okay. I talked with my boss (really the only person I could think of) about my intentions: so that's somewhat covered. It's just the act of confronting him that scares me. If this DOESN'T work, then 'escape' will be the course of action. Again, I feel like I allowed this control to happen. Therefore, it's my responsibility to try and stop it.

Sticks and stones...

You can do it. Be safe and don't worry about hurting him. He is controlling and he won't change. He may cry and beg and plead . Don't fall for it.