[MatureConfused]

Please help!

I have been dating a married man for four years! Him and his wife live in different countries and only see each other once or twice a year when he flies over to see her and their daughter. He has been telling me for four years that he wants to be with me and he will and is in the process of leaving his wife! However, I have not see any definite steps yet. I am forty years old and I feel like the clock is ticking for me. I really love this man but I am scared that after four years he may just be stringing me along. When I confront him about it he tells me to trust him. Our relationship is a secret and has been for the four years and he does not want anyone to know about it. He tells me he will leave his wife once his daughter finishes school... HIS DAUGHTER IS 21!! He also says he wants to make sure he leaves his wife and daughter financially secure before he leaves them for me. I think that is very honourable but at the same time I wonder if he is just stringing me along. I have no doubt that this man loves me but is it more difficult to end a marriage than I thought? Anyway another man has come on the scene... This man is single and in his sixties and completely in awe of me. He wants to be with me and tells me even if I am with someone else he will wait for me!! This man is willing to put himself out there for me but my feelings for him are unsure as this is very new. However, he makes me reflect on the relationship I currently have and I wonder should I be with someone who is readily available and would marry me and have kids, or should I be with a man who loves me but is not mine but keeps promising that someday he will be?

[redhed35]

Promises promises of tomorrow,but tomorrow never comes.

He's not going to leave his wife,its been four years,time to wake up and smell the coffee,but I think you are waking up!

Your right its going no where,if he wanted to be with you he would be with you.

You're a secret,a handy shag with no commitments,nice for him,no so nice for you.

Dump his sorry a$$,and move on.

You want more from life,go get it.

He'll live no doubt and replace you,his wife is the one who is suffering,and you have a hand in that.

He's lying to you,he's lying to her,that makes him a liar and a cheat... no bones about it.

[kctiger]

What an absolute mess of a situation to be in! You said you consider it honorable for this man to want to leave his WIFE and daughter in a financially secure situation before he leaves them... he has been cheating on her for 4 years now, there is no honor left in him.

Leave the married man alone. That is your first priority. What happened to the sanctity of marriage? Secondly, you sound desperate to just find someone for the sole purpose of starting a family. Your clock may be ticking, but making a decision based upon pure panicked emotions is not a very good idea.

[londongirl111]

I think you should go for the one that is single and loves you... If he has told you for the past 4 years that he is going to leave his wife and is still with her why waste your time. You have someone who is single and loves you and it does not have to be a secret, no issues and no bagage, I know it is easier said than done and you obviously love the married man very very much, but why should you live your life in secret when u could be with someone who is proud to be with you.

A very wise woman told me a story once as I was also in a secret relationship... the man was not married but it still had to be kept a secret anyway... she told me that she knew someone that spent 20 years being the mistress... right from her mid 20's when she could have met someone else and had a family etc... but she chose to wait for 20 whole years and in the end he still didn't leave his wife... the point is, is that she wasted her whole life and youth waiting for someone that never intended on leaving his wife, she was kept a secret when she also could have met someone, had children and lived a happy life.

The saying goes, if you love someone set him free, if he comes back it was meant to be.

Don't waste your life on someone who doesn't respect you enough, if his marriage had trouble or whatever it may be then he would have left her a long time ago.

You are obviously and intelligent and attractive woman so respect yourself and know that you deserve not the breadcrumbs but someone who respects and values you, treats you well and is PROUD to be with you.

xxx

[positiveparent]

Someone pass the sick bucket.!

OP this man is not going to leave his wife, and has never intended too, of course you're a secret you're the bit on the side the one he knocks off, once in a while, the front door mat gets more respect than you.

Move on dump him, go tell his wife( maybe not ) anything but get away from him, he probably has other women all over the places all being strung the same old line.

Please dump him.

[MatureConfused]

Ok let me just set the record straight this man chased me and made it VERY clear to me that him and his wife were through! VERY clear! I would not have gone near him otherwise. He told me it was a matter of formalising things and perhaps rather foolishly I believed him. The fact that they live in different countries, rarely talk and only see each other once a year is what led me to believe him. Unfortunately in the process my heart has been caught up in this and I am trying to be objective about my future. But I understand the attacks at me I just wanted to explain myself. On the issue of the clock ticking... I would never think of starting a family with someone I was not in love with! There are too many broken families and I have personal experience from that! I am just saying I love this one guy and this new guy is someone I have mixed feelings for and could be the potential love of my life... I wanted to know if I was wasting time not trying to get to know him better? He could be the person I am looking for!

[kctiger]

You deserve to have a man's full attention and heart, not a fraction of it, or at his convenience. The man is married and has been for 4 years. I don't see anything or any action that proves he is willing to change that just for you.

I think it would be wise to back off both of these guys, for awhile, to see and think about what you truly want and what makes you happy. There is no sense going from a married man to whom you were in love with, directly to another man who is already professing his love. Emotions like this can overcome any rational thought, so a break, from both, with a clear head and due time would be ideal. Rushing so suddenly from one man whom you love to another whom deeply loves you is a rebound at best and could end up hurting at least one, if not both of you.

[talaniman]

You are wasting time with them both to be honest about it. You are in a loser love affair, that has been going on for four years, and that's what you should focus on first, and then go through a proper healing, and see where your head is at, before jumping from one guy that has strung you along, to another guy you know hardly anything about, and certainly don't know if he is a good a catch in reality, as he seems on paper.

That would be the smart thing to do. End one, heal, before you move to another. I just hope you end it with the married guy, you have wasted enough time being foolish, and find yourself, and rebuild yourself, before you even think of yet another relationship.

[lifeistough75]

I am not very young, nor middle age, but I have learned one really important lesson in life. There is a lot of cliché regarding the issue as well, and people also talk about it all the time. It sounds really simple, but sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to implement in life.
Not trying to lecture anyone from a higher plane of moral or ethical ground, but please live life with integrity.
You will have a good, simple, and honorable life if you live life with integrity, the foundation will then be strong, and things will proceed much smoother.
What is happening here has no integrity on either side! Put yourself in the shoes of the other woman, would you want to be treated like this?
This has bad news written all over it, with a very bad ending. Not because there is a God out there, but because that is karma of the universe we live in.
Think about what you are doing, please!