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Ardae · Aug 11, 2010, 02:56 PM

There is a guy in my college who is quite a bit older than me and has been displaying flirtacious behaviour for a while. Here is my point: While at first, that is the first two years that I knew him I felt nothing at all other than amusement at his jokes. But a few months ago I realised I did feel something for him. I thought it might just be a crush and waited but my feelings for him became gradually stronger and now I feel I'm rather in love.
He is working abroad at the moment and will be back in college at the start of term, so I don't see him around but I miss him.
He has, as it seems to me, become more interested as well but it all was quite vague. He is the generally flirtatious type and as long as I know him (to my best knowledge) he has not been dating anyone else. Also he is 15 years older than me and likes to tease me about my age (you can do the maths yourself). But lately he's been dropping other comments. Like last year when I started dating another guy he said something like 'all the good ones are gone'. And he started this accidental touching thing, at least that's what I think it is. That is when we were walking from somewhere side by side, he would 'accidentally' touch my arm or even my butt(!) but it would be so subtle that I'm not sure myself about it. Last time he was in town for some paper work he came into college and since I had helped him with some research proposal he took me for lunch (yes he paid) and he (we are talking about someone dating somebody older) asked me what my upper age limit was (I gave an answer within his range). You see what I mean, he drops the occasional marriage joke as well and things like that. Of course he makes a lot of eye contact and smiles a lot and so on.
I wonder whether I should make some sort of move? It could be that he's just playing but if he just wanted a flick or a night, he has been pretty patient (two years almost). Maybe he is also not sure whether I'm interested or whether he should really ask a younger girl out.
Please give me some ideas because I'd really like to give this a chance.

lickemlolly · Aug 11, 2010, 03:07 PM

Sounds like there might be an interest there... you have a choice either you can wait around and see or you can ask him if he wants to go out and do something.. a movie whatever... he may be too afraid to approach you due to the age difference

positiveparent · Aug 12, 2010, 12:08 AM

Hi OP would like to ask, are you sure he's not married or in a relationship, with either m/f.

If you're sure he's not then I would say go for it. As long as you're not treading on anyone's toes then give it your best shot.

Good Luck.

Ardae · Aug 12, 2010, 03:18 AM

Thanks for the prompt answers! No he is definitely not in a relationship because he said himself he was single and he's been saying it for a long time (also if he had a girlfriend his flirting with me would be very hurtful to her if she found out) But yes he is definitely single. Not sure whether he is the type who wants to stay a bachelor forever, he is 38 by the way!
I wonder if he is interested in this other girl who goes to college with us. Apart from he also seems to be in more or less regular contact with her but he not flirty to her when he's around. I guess I'm just jealous of any other female contact...
Thanks for your answers though, that helped!

Cat1864 · Aug 12, 2010, 07:46 AM

How long has he been working abroad? Did your feelings for him grow 'stronger' long before he went abroad or when he was preparing to leave/after he left?

Are you sure it isn't his absence that is making you feel more for him than you thought you did? It is easy to mistake friendship for love when we miss someone. Yes, a friend can be extremely jealous of another person getting too close to his/her friend. Jealousy doesn't indicate love. It shows insecurities and a need to control a relationship.

A caution: People in relationships can and do flirt. IF you get into a relationship with him, DO NOT expect him to stop flirting with other women just because it might hurt your feelings. You know what he is like. Be sure you can handle it if you do go out with him. Discussing boundaries and setting them together is good, but demanding someone change to suit another's needs is not.

Ardae · Aug 12, 2010, 01:06 PM

Thanks for the advice. No I felt my feelings grow stronger for him long before he went abroad and I don't regard him as a friend anymore since I have different feelings for him now. But when he left it became clearer to me that I wanted to be with him. I don't see myself as a friend, I think we were never really close friends (maybe because of the age difference) since he probably has had a different interest in me for a long time, so it's not like we shared free-time activities or hobbies together much in the past. We only ever saw each other in college.
I am usually not so much of the jealous type and am happy to leave enough freedom to my partner. I think I'm jealous now because I'm not sure of his feelings for me. I know he wouldn't completely stop flirting with people if we were in a relationship and as long as he means nothing serious by it, I would have absolutely no problem with it because that's the way I've always known him and at that age they usually don't change...

joe15 · Aug 12, 2010, 01:16 PM

Hi I've had allot of experience with this situation " as a man i may feel that a girl is only being nice if she is being flirty so all i am saying is that you should find out if he likes you if he does then get right in there "all a guy really wants is the girl to make the move believe and trust me on this one :)

martinizing2 · Aug 12, 2010, 01:39 PM

If he is just "flirty" and you say you're in love might cause you to really analyze for feelings.

Go slowly, too much too soon can be overwhelming.

Good luck.

Ardae · Aug 12, 2010, 01:44 PM

Hi joe15,

I appreciate a guy's answer on this. It is always best to get an inside view. I have been thinking about making a move, all right. How though Do I make sure that he likes me and doesn't turn me down once I ask? Also as he is still abroad I will wait until he is back for good so I have a chance to do it in person which I always prefer.
Thanks a lot for the reply though!!

Cat1864 · Aug 12, 2010, 07:41 PM

There are no guarantees. He could have met someone while he has been abroad. Talk to him. Be friends with him. Ask him out as a friend. Get to know him someplace other than school.

Good luck.

Ardae · Aug 13, 2010, 11:15 AM

I've actually known him for a while (since 2007). And we have met (in a group) for hikes and movies outside college or for dinners together. I am suspicious of that other girl but I have no firm ground to base my suspicions on other than that they keep some sort of contact as well. The two of them were recently invited to a wedding of a common friend and he paid for all her food while they were over (she is unemployed, he is working fulltime currently). I am in doubt that anything serious is going on between the two of them. I think I'm afraid that he might prefer her to me since she is older and has hence more life experience, but I could be completely wrong. Obviously I can ask neither her nor him directly if they're dating but he is flirting with me to an extent that I would find annoying if I were his girlfriend (see examples mentioned above). I guess I have to be patient and wait until he is back. She also wants to be back in college from next year on but might not be able to afford it. It might just be that they have more in common as friends since they share similar life experiences (they are still nine years between them as well). Unfortunately I am not a very patient person; right now I'd simply like to know whether he is seriously interested in me and I wouldn't have the courage to just ring him up to pop the question directly.
Thanks for all advice!!

joe15 · Aug 14, 2010, 10:25 AM

Hi and its my pleasure to help you out" when a guy likes a girl take me for instance he will be so shy about it "guys allways want a miracle to happen where the girl will jump into his arms and everything will be great but we both know that will not happen :) what I would suggest is to get to know him very well if you have his number message him "when you are messaging him be sure to throw in a few flirty signs "believe me if he is anyway possibly into you he will love this "GOOD LUCK :)

Homegirl 50 · Aug 14, 2010, 11:13 AM

Originally Posted by joe 15

hi and its my pleasure to help you out" when a guy likes a girl take me for instance he will be so shy about it "guys always want a miracle to happen where the girl will jump into his arms and everything will be great but we both know that will not happen :) what i would suggest is to get to know him very well if you have his number message him "when you are messaging him be sure to throw in a few flirty signs "believe me if he is anyway possibly into you he will love this "GOOD LUCK :)

This is a 38 year old man. He may be past all of that.

I think this is a 38 year old man who likes young women and flirts with them.
If he was serious about you and he has been doing this for some time I think you would know by now.
I would hate to see you get hurt. How is it it you think you love him, other than flirting what kind of contact have the two of you had with each other?

Ardae · Aug 14, 2010, 11:27 AM

Well he is a very mature guy and very busy at work. I don't know how much he would appreciate if I just rang him up to flirt. It's hard to know how to make contact with him. He might find it childish. I thought you guys (espacially the more mature ones) loved pursuing the girl and girls who are harder to get. But I will ask him out if he doesn't make a move once he is back.

Cat1864 · Aug 14, 2010, 11:54 AM

Originally Posted by Ardae

Well he is a very mature guy and very busy at work. I don't know how much he would appreciate if I just rang him up to flirt. It's hard to know how to make contact with him. He might find it childish. I thought you guys (espacially the more mature ones) loved pursuing the girl and girls who are harder to get. But I will ask him out if he doesn't make a move once he is back.

Just to put Joe's 'experienced' advice in perspective, he is 15 according to another post in another thread..

I know it is difficult to stay patient and wait until he gets back, but there really isn't anything else you can do. This isn't a subject that is easily handled over emails or texts. There is way too much chance of misunderstandings occurring.

Don't let waiting keep you from enjoying yourself and your friends. Keep yourself busy and the time will pass by much more quickly.

Homegirl 50 · Aug 14, 2010, 12:05 PM

I'll ask again, how is it you think you love him? Other than flirting what kind of contact or interaction have the two of you had with each other?

Sounds to me like this is pretty one-sided but you can ask him out for a coffee when he gets back. Have a one on one talk with each other. Maybe you'll get a better idea as to how he feels about you.

Ardae · Aug 14, 2010, 12:27 PM

Well, if I say 'I love him' it makes it sound almost epic! I have quite strong feelings for him at this stage. We have not gone out just the two of us alone since I was in a relationship myself until this year. I would like to go out with him and find out how much he feels but he has been pretty bold with flirting. The other night we were talking on the phone because I needed his advice for some forms to be filled in, so we were also just small talking about what's new and he said he was a boring husband because he had no news. See the type of 'joke' he was making. I have experienced guys doing that when they want to know whow far they can go until the girl tells them to f*** off. So he's been making jokes of this kind a lot. So I need to confront him about that soon I guess and I will once I get a chance, and that is in person and in person only.
Thanks for all the advice!!

Cat1864 · Aug 14, 2010, 12:36 PM

I only have one more caution for you: Have you truly healed and moved on from your last relationship? Take some time to be certain that you aren't 'falling' for this gentleman because he is available and seems willing. I don't think you want this to turn out to be a 'rebound' situation.

Good luck. :)

Homegirl 50 · Aug 14, 2010, 12:39 PM

I don't see that as flirting, it was a joke, one I did't get. But anyway, you'll have to just go out with him talk to him and get a better idea of where is head is.

Ardae · Aug 15, 2010, 03:04 AM

@ cat1864: It's not a rebound relationship. I didn't want to mention that here but I left my previous boyfriend since I had feelings for this guy and they were not getting weaker. I had to break up with him. But that's another issue and yes I'm over the last relationship.
At homegirl50, OK it was out of context for you. I just wanted to give an example of the kind of remarks he drops now and then.