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    MB0728's Avatar
    MB0728 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 11, 2010, 11:04 AM
    How do I combat parental alienation?
    My ex has resorted to manipulating our 4 children into pitying him and making excuses for him. He owes me back child support. They support him in court against me. He has made many poor decisions in his life. His last wife left him. He's had health issues (brought on by his own behavior). I on the other hand, am happily remarried, have provided vacation homes, sports experiences, educations and cars to these 4 children. Their father borrows money from them. Why don't they see his lack of integrity and moral compass? How can I be the bad guy?
    positiveparent's Avatar
    positiveparent Posts: 1,136, Reputation: 291
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    #2

    Aug 12, 2010, 01:52 AM

    I don't think what your ex husband is doing is actually parental alienation, that's usually when one parent uses the child as a weapon against the other an example being, the mother will refuse access to the father once separated, although the full description hasn't yet been 100% clarified.

    Your ex isn't necessarily trying to turn them against you, what you did for your children is what any mother would do for their children I assume however its usually unconditionally.

    Perhaps you have unresolved issues with the ex.

    If he owes you unpaid child support take him back to court, and keep taking him back, I don't know how old your children are I would assume not babies, and if they're in their teens or early adult years they usually make up their own minds, I can see your point of view perhaps, you've done the hard work raising them yet it appears he is reaping the benefits.

    I would suggest you say nothing to them, if he's being false they'll soon see through it, children or young ones then are fairly good judges of character, if they're a little older he may be able to hoodwink them for a while but usually, they will see the light for themselves, however if you tell them he's no good they'll not see it so quickly and feel you're being unkind.

    Im sure if you can just ignore it, or even become friendlier towards him it'll all blow over and they'll see him in a new light, children though do have a tendency to like their Dads and their Mums...

    Its something inherent in them, they didn't have the same kind of relationship with their father that you did to them he's a parent as you too are a parent to them, your relationship with him was completely different so they won't see him as you do or you as he does...
    PAhelper's Avatar
    PAhelper Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Aug 12, 2010, 06:04 AM
    Parental alienation takes a similar progression in most cases. The results can vary, and not all alienating behaviours of a parent lead to alienation of the child. Some children successfully resist the manipulation. Nor are all alienating parents intentionally behaving badly, they don't know what they are doing or the terrible outcomes that may result.

    However, reality and perception are not necessarily linked. We buy things from sellers because of a perceived benefit that may not exist. Marketers do this for a living and we sometimes unwittingly buy into the marketing plan.

    In short I can tell you that your kids most assuredly still love you and want a good and close relationship with you. Stay available; keep sending gifts and letters at appropriate times.

    Don't hover or be seen to be overbearing, and under no circumstance discuss your understanding of what is going on with the kids.

    2 places to get solid help are from
    Www.warshak.com where there is good advise and an excellent DVD available,
    Www.paawareness.org where you'll find a brochure of quick and useful tips to both read and give to others of influence over the kids (not to the kids themselves)
    positiveparent's Avatar
    positiveparent Posts: 1,136, Reputation: 291
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    #4

    Aug 12, 2010, 12:33 PM

    Hi OP, I have done some checking and as I first thought your situation isn't under the cataegory of Parental Alienation, the following will help explain it in more details for you, there are also links for you to get more info.

    Parental Alienation (PA) refers to a situation in which a resident parent (usually but not exclusively) turns their child against the non-resident parent, intentionally or unintentionally, resulting in the child's supposed desire to reject all contact with that parent. There is still much debate among medical and psychological experts as to whether this behaviour pattern constitutes a syndrome, often referred to as Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) which was initially described by Dr Richard Gardner (Gardner, R. A (1989), Recommendations for Dealing with Parents who induce a Parental Alienation Syndrome in their children, Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 28 (3/4): 1-23).

    Currently, PA is not officially recognised although there is much activity worldwide to influence its acceptance in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM- V, which is due to be published in May 2012

    You may well find useful information in books and articles about PA and PAS but we advise that you do not use the term PAS in court proceedings as your arguments regarding what has happened to your children may become sidetracked into barren arguments about the use of the word Syndrome. Syndrome is a term used by medical practitioners, and usually implies a diagnosis.

    In practice however poisoning against one parent does occur, and is a genuine problem which goes strongly against a child's best interests. This effect is being increasingly recognised in the Family Courts in the UK, which is encouraging.

    The question “why should children who were initially close to both parents suddenly seek to reject one of them” (Journal of Parental Alienation, Vol. 2 No 2- March/April 2006; Dr. L. F Lowenstein) is often raised at the beginning of a Family Court case. The child is 'programmed' by the alienating parent against the other, and is used as a tool in the process of exclusion of an ex-partner, thereby emotionally harming the child by depriving them of a good parent.

    Judges, CAFCASS staff, social workers, and others often fail to recognise parental alienation as a genuine case of significant emotional abuse, and these children may lose a loved and loving parent for a long time or sometimes permanently. This situation is often referred to in UK courts as 'implacable hostility' caused by the 'controlling' parent subjecting the child to this form of emotional abuse. This can have devastating life-long effects for the children, excluded parent, grandparents and the child's other parent.

    Families Need Fathers

    Parental Alienation Syndrome - PAS - Help & Advice for alienated parents and their families

    (8/2010) Parental Alienation: There's No Co-Parenting Happening

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