[patrithoma]

I have been dating a woman for a year and a half. I am 47 she is 40. I have been divorced 2 years and she has 2 months. She is a great woman, who would be loyal and a great wife. The problem is I like the bar lifestyle cause I missed out on that when I got married at 22. Plus she has two kids. One is 16 and cool. The other is 14 and has bad behavioral tendencies. He has no repect for his mom and the dad won't help. My dilema is do I give up this woman or try to make it work. I am torn. I don't know how it would work with this kid and I still somewhat desire the bachelor lifestyle, but I don't want to lose her. It's causing me much stress. She says you can't have it both ways. I know that, but I am so confused.

[Kitkat22]

You can't have it both ways. You have doubts so leave.

[Wondergirl]

How much do you want to go out drinking and being a 20-something again?

[Devorameira]

I saw an immediate red flag in your post... you never once said "I love this woman and would like to marry her". To me you almost talked about her as if she were only a loyal "object".

Step-kids can be tough, especially teenagers, but they will be grown shortly and will hopefully move out.

Since you are so drawn toward the bar scene and have a lot of second thoughts, I wouldn't marry her. She's told you it has to be one way or another, so I'd consider letting her go find someone who really wants to be married to her.

[DoulaLC]

When you marry a woman with children, it is definitely a package deal. If you have concerns about one of the kids, and whether you want to get involved with that, don't ignore it. If she is wanting a more permanent commitment, and you don't feel truly ready yet, then don't do it.

Sometimes the chemistry is there, but the timing is not right and you have to acknowledge that.

Discuss waiting... I know a couple who dated until the woman's sons graduated because she didn't want to move house and he had a job several hours away. If both people want it to work, it can usually work.

If she is at a stage of wanting to be married now, as devorameira said, you may have to end the relationship so that she can seek that elsewhere.

[slapshot_oi]

Unless your goal is to take home as many barflies as humanly possible, I don't understand why you can't have fun at night and still get married.

As for the kid, I don't know.

[I wish]

A relationship shouldn't cause you so much hardship. From what you told us, you're better off going your separate ways.

[positiveparent]

If you want the nightlife then I would think this woman wouldn't be so keen if she knew this, so I recommend you tell her or make your mind up.

You will have to do something though and soon I would say its not really fair to keep her hanging on she is possibly thinking long term where you're concern.

You say you've been with her a year and half, so did she have an affair with you, before leaving her ex? If she did expect some recriminations if you decide to leave her, she's possibly of the belief you two are going to get hitched or more.

[talaniman]

What a conflict, she is ready for more and you are not, so don't jump into anything you are not ready for. Divorce should have taught you both something.

I am confused, she has been divorced two months but you have been going with her for a year and a half??

I will be honest, after a year and a half, you should have a good idea where you want this to go, so you have a decision on your hands.