[Surfeit]

Wow. I'm just turning 25, she's just turning 24, we have been together for 2 years and until recently we have never had any issues that rocked the boat. Sure we bicker and wind each other up, but I've never doubted the way I feel about her or the way she feels about me. I love her.

This week she has asked me to assure her that within the next few years I will marry her & give her children. I'm not at all cool with this for a number of reasons. To mention just a few - I feel I need to be with someone more than 2 years before even thinking about marriage & making babies. I don't yet know if I'll be financially stable enough to support a family within the next few years.

I don't think her request is unreasonable. We're not getting any younger & I imagine a woman who knows she wants would like a man who can give her that assuuance.

Problem is she has made me feel like its an ultimatum. Either make some kind of guarantee or step down and let her find someone who will. This is terribly uncomftable because it makes me feel like I'd always be playing second fiddle to her desires of parenting a family.

FYI - We don't live together.

[aimee_tt]

Why don't you sit her down and tell her this? That you do have intentions of marrying her and having a family with her but right now you don't know when you will be financially able to do that.

I sure if she knows you have intentions of marryign her one day. She will be satisfied and give it a rest for a few years

[Wondergirl]

Please don't decide to live together, especially if you think that will take the edge off her wanting marriage and children. It won't, and it won't solve anything for you. I applaud you two for NOT living together. Research is finding that living together does not guarantee a successful marriage. In fact, the opposite is true.

What to do, what to do. Do both of you work? Have you figured out finances and maybe could make a go of a marriage in two or three years? I gave up my job and stayed home when I had my first baby; that was what women did back then. Now, there's daycare and other ways to be a mom and also keep a job. Even when only my husband worked, we learned to economize to be able to live on one salary and were even able to buy a house. Now it's a buyer's market with low interest rates, so maybe buying a house is in your future.

Her biological clock is ticking too, don't forget. I had my last baby when I was 25, so it worked out well with independent adult children and our retiring. My bil had kids at age 40 and had to deal with people who thought he was their children's grandfather, plus he couldn't keep up with them physically.

Be sure you don't plan on such a perfect world for marriage and children that you age yourself right out of the picture.

[Shadowburn]

It's a tough situation. She is totally within reason - you've been together for 2 years, she knows she'd want to get married and have kids some day, and if you're not on the same page with her, then she has a right to know it so she can make a choice for herself either to continue being in relationship with you, or to break it off so she'd meet someone who wants the same things as her.

Having said that, you both are pretty young, usually commitment issues don't come up until people are into their 30s. So communication is the key as always - talk to her and see why does she feel a need for a serious commitment at age of only 24. Maybe she is just feeling insecure about the whole relationship, or afraid you don't have plans to ever marry her and she is wasting her time by staying with you.

Good luck.

[vanheart]

There's nothing wrong with goals or needs.
But you both need to be on the same page.

Talk more. As much as possible. About everything.

Everyone has time frames. But make sure that you understand each other's before making life-long decisions.

Women's clocks tick, some guys get ruffled & freaked.

Get this all resolved & make a plan that you both can agree on.

Make sure you enjoy each other in the meantime. (the reasons you have been together for 2 years). Just don't be complacent, whatever you do. Either one of you.

[talaniman]

After two years together, she has a perfect right to know your honest intentions, and plans for the future, and with WHOM.

You just have to think about it and be honest, with yourself, and HER!!

[vanheart]

Exactly.

[positiveparent]

Just sit her down and tell her exactly how it is and why you're feeling as you do, if you feel its an ultimatum you'll begin to get resentful so nip that in the bud now and tell her the truth and how you feel it was an ultimatum.

She does have the right to know where your relationship is going though after two tears Ill say she does.

If you're in conflict over this I feel there's something more behind how you're feeling.
Good Luck

[Surfeit]

Many thanks for your speedy responses, they help a lot. In reflection to all answers I feel communication is indeed key. I've not seen her since this cropped up & I feel perhaps this made things more stressful than they need be, because we haven't had the opportunity to talk about things. Positiveparent I assure you I don't/won't resent my girlfriend over any possible outcome of the situation; I respect her immensly. I'm not so great at conveying my feelings or my intentions. Quite often because I don't know myself. I guess I do need to have a serious think about the future, and involve my girlfriend as appropriate.

Many thanks once more.

[Devorameira]

You have to be able to talk to each other openly and honestly about your feelings, so tell her about what you're thinking.

I think right now that she fears that you may be wasting her time and may never marry her. Maybe she'd feel more secure if you were to get engaged with the thought that you'll wait 1-2 years to marry and wait for some financial stability before having kids.

Are you truly that financially insecure or is it possible that you're using it as an excuse? If you are using it as an excuse, you will never be ready to marry and start a family. If you're never going to be ready for the commitment, then you need to end the relationship now.

[lickemlolly]

I agree here... if you put it in the terms you just explained to us I'm sure that she will be completely OK with that... you love her and you do want to settle down and get married and have kids you just need to be financially stable first... I think she is more worried with the fact that you are one of those guys that never commits and won't settle down and get married or kids... and if you express to her that you do want those things you just need it to be right I'm SURE she will understand and if she doesn't then it is she that is being unreasonable at that point.. can you see yourself marrying this girl in the future and having kids? If so you need to let her know that.. many women like to plan ahead in advance... they like to look at their future.. she needs a little reassurance and yes this is something you need to communicate with her about