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    Chriseigle's Avatar
    Chriseigle Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 9, 2010, 02:23 PM
    Girlfriend of 1 year (Long Distance Relationship) Bails on Visit
    I will try to sum this up as short and quickly as possible. My girlfriend and I have been going out for 1 year. We are in a long distance relationship. I live in Boston and she lives in San Francisco. We are both 17. She went to my school last year and we dated for 3 months before she moved. There are a few key things that you must know. We have made it an entire year we visit each other every vacation we get. It may sound naïve but I proposed to her and we planned what we wanted to do after high school and when we wanted to get married and what our children's names should be. I often questioned her about this but she would always get upset and say she was 100% sure. We have seen each other 5 times over the course of 10 months for around a week. Another thing you must know is that we both have abandonment problems. Her father left her at a young age and since, she has had a hard time trusting anyone who gets close to her. She has been to 3 high schools. 1 in CT, 2 in MA (with me), and 3/4 in SF. We are going into our Senior Year of high school. Now to the situation. She is from Bosnia and about a month and a half ago she left to go there for 5 weeks. We were able to talk every other day for 2 weeks and then for the last 3 not at all because she went to Croatia. Normally we skype or call each other every night. She doesn't like her life in CA and has had trouble making friends over the past year. Multiple times I have offered to break up because I felt that it was my fault that she wasn't making friends (I often got jealous but that's when it got important) only in the first 2 months was I jealous. I have trust issues and she is the first person besides my mother who I trust with everythin because she told me she would never leave me and would stick by me forever. She always kept promises and maintained a strong trust in me as well. When she went to Europe (which she hasn't been to in 4 years) and as we spoke every other day I noticed that she began to become enveloped in Bosnia. She even told me at one point "I love it here and there is no reason I want to come home" She is someone everyone knows keeps promises. So when the 3 weeks came that I could not talk to her, I focused on myself and worked out and practiced soccer. She was supposed to go home then come here within 4 days. So when the day came that she was supposed to arrive I thought about calling her but figured she would be catching up on jetlag. 3 days went by and the day before she was supposed to arrive I decided to call her home. Before I called I trusted that everything was OK. It wasn't, her mom spoke to me the first time and said and told me that she decided to stay in Bosnia she didn't know what was going on. I told her mom "Tell her I never want to speak to her again" Later that night I called her mom because I regretted what I said, her mom had spoken to her and said that she felt free there and she didn't with me. I gave her multiple opportunities to make friends and break up with me so she could do so, but she would always scream at me and say I was a coward for leaving her and that it was such a stupid reason and that she would never leave me no matter what. She is muslim and her mom has never been happy with us going out. But it is the opposite of the girl I know and trust. She said she never wanted to make friends cause she hated people there, even when I told her to go out and try to make friends she refused. So not only did she not call me to tell me herself but had I not called her home, I would have waited at the airport and found out then that she wasn't coming, with no warning at all. I figure she is going through a phase of confusion because she loves it there. Her mom said that she didn't want to be with me when she returned, she just wanted to study and focus on school and she felt guilty when she hung out with friends and that she would return to Bosnia to go to college. She said my girlfriend didn't want to call me because she was scared that I would have a panic attack, which I would have but at least it would have been closure. It has been a week since I spoke to her mom. Her mom wouldn't give me the number to call her and she would not tell her to call me. She hasn't called or communicated in any way on Facebook or anything. I sent her a message the day she was supposed to come telling her that I was happy that she followed her heart and stayed with people she loves. I then sent her one the other day being flirtacious and funny and sent her links to funny videos on Youtube. She hasn't been on Facebook since. I told her best friend who lives in CT and she started to cry cause she would never be able to see her again and agreed that this was nothing like her to do. I haven't begged for her back and I have tried to move on. I am waiting for the dreaded call and have prepared for the worst. But I am confused because she promised me that she would never leave me because she would be like her father if she did. At one point I asked her "what happens if you decide to leave me and act different and act like you don't care" She slapped me across the face and said that would never happen. It is exactly what is happening now. I know to most people it may seem over, but she hasn't changed her status on Facebook to "single" even though she was on a few days ago before I sent her my second message. Also there is a photo of her with a friend but she is still wearing the ring that I gave to her when I proposed. I have been in love multiple times and I am not new to this. She is, but after a year of being apart there have been plenty of opportunities for her to leave. I threatened to leave at one point and she wouldn't talk to me for days. She has left me alone and confused because she won't calle me or anything. I told her in both my messages that she didn't have to respond. People thought the world would end before we broke up because we had beaten all the odds and we were so strong. Before she left for the 3 weeks we didn't talk she said she was so excited to come here and spend 3 weeks with me and do all the things we love. What do I do? It's complicated and I have never heard of this before from anyone else. Her mom said she won't return for a few weeks. Why doesn't she just call me to get it over with? We have been through tough times and people say it's just her being there that changed her mind and that she will change when she returns and that she's being impulsive. But of all the people in the world she is the last person I would expect to: leave and breakup with me without even talking to me, abandon me, not have the decency to do it herself or even call, and bail on me with no warning. I just want some help. I dream about what will happen every night and I try really hard to move on but I can't without her word. It may seem like it's over but there are so many signs that show otherwise and that I trust that she will keep her word. I am doing my best to focus on me but she is the last person I expected to leave me hanging without any word or any communication. What on earth do I do or think? Do you think we will get back together in due time? What should I do now? And how could I win back the girl of my dreams. To be honest, this relationship was amazing but hard, it was worth all the hard times. I have thought of this as an opportunity to make my own life here but she was always more crazy about me than I was about her. I don't know when or if she will even call me.
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #2

    Aug 9, 2010, 06:37 PM

    "It may sound naive but."

    Yup you are. You're 17.

    And vacations don't make a relationship. Proposing?

    This is one of many experiences..

    This may have been a fun one, but there's more.

    Concentrate on growing, having fun & not worrying too hard.

    Don't rush your life right now.
    Chriseigle's Avatar
    Chriseigle Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Aug 9, 2010, 07:08 PM

    I don't understand vacations don't make a relationship
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #4

    Aug 9, 2010, 07:20 PM

    There's never been anything stable. Plus you are young. Time to explore. That's what she's doing. I say do the same.

    "we dated for 3 months before she moved"

    "we visit each other every vacation we get"

    "I love it here and there is no reason I want to come home"

    "I would have waited at the airport"

    "when she returns"

    Im sure this freedom loving girl is attractive, but...

    "I have thought of this as an opportunity to make my own life"

    You got that right.

    MY OWN LIFE.
    Chriseigle's Avatar
    Chriseigle Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Aug 9, 2010, 07:29 PM

    You're right. I completely understand. We had plans after high school. You are right it has been unstable. I am working on myself and moving on so that this doesn't destroy me. I do however want to get back together with her when my life is better. I think she will see she made a mistake because my life has more potential than hers and either way I win. Thank you for the advice you helped very much. Knowing the truth hurts but it's the truth. If we are meant to be it will be. Otherwise I will become my own person and find someone right. My aunt said this is a B.F.G.O (big ****ing growth opportunity). Regardless I am the better person. I know she will see that I will be OK and regret her decision and call me. Or not. But thank you I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #6

    Aug 9, 2010, 07:46 PM

    "If we are meant to be it will be."

    Your aunt is right. Listen to her.

    Don't worry about whether your ex will see or not.

    This is all in the past now. Don't stay hung up on her.

    You have lots more of B.F.G.O's awaiting.

    I suggest going NC. Cut her calls, Skype, FB, emails anything else that holds you back.

    Trust me.
    Chriseigle's Avatar
    Chriseigle Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Aug 9, 2010, 08:10 PM

    What is nc? I have gone through tough breakups before so I understand what I HAVE to do.
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #8

    Aug 9, 2010, 08:15 PM

    No contact. Forever.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #9

    Aug 10, 2010, 07:04 AM

    She has moved around a lot in her life, and now she is home among her people. I have no doubt the parents knew full well what they were doing, and she as a female child has to go along with it. She is entering college, and marriage age, and they have full control over her, and what she does with her life.

    You have a good attitude and know what to do, and her parents for sure made any closure between you impossible, but accepting it is the way to go.

    Really sorry for your loss, but life will get better soon.

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