[scpark]

When I joined the dream company in Manhattan as high rank manager, I was so thrilled, worked so hard to impress anyone of course. One of a C-level manager caught my eye immediately, who is workaholic (working 15-18 hours a day include weekends), extremely smart and charismatic leader in the company. People even do not make any decision without his confirmation. He is not my direct boss, but our work is related, and had to see him a lot.
We started to hang out after work beer round, we became close. He started to email me and call me even during weekends, bought me coffee, invited me various diners, and gave me a horse carriage ride for no reason. He is trained in CIO in army when he was in army, one of the exceptionally genius type person, but when we talk in person, he was very genuine and straight forward. We became friends, and started to see each other after work, and developed feeling for each other.
We started to date, he took me to all fancy places he knows, and took me to his room, and started to kiss me. It was a start, and in weeks, we became physical, and became lovers. He was so overwhelmed by the strong feelings for me, and I could literarily see his hands are shaking, his knees are weakening, and he was mumbling words when he is with me. He confessed he is completely in love with me. However, he was about to be located in an Asian branch for a year, but good news is he will come back US office every 8 weeks to stay for 3 weeks to cover US market. He told me so many times he was so upset for the fact that we did not meet each other before he made the decision. He told me he would not do it if we were together, and told me he would change the situation for me to use all his power. I was not happy for the long distance situation, but understood his situation, and agreed to stay with him.
Well, he left to Asia after 1.5 month of our relationship, and he emailed me 5-6 times with photos and stories of the country every day, and said I love you. We started email journal together to build long distance relationship. I felt so lucky, and was very happy. After 2 weeks of staying in Asia, he missed me so much, and changed his meeting schedule, and came back to US to see me! It was 24 hours flight for him to see me! I was so impressed, and very happy when he showed up with a gift which he bought at the duty free shop at the airport. He already arranged himself to allow to visit US every 6 weeks (not 8 weeks), and decided to stay 4 weeks (instead of 3 weeks) each time in US.
Well, yesterday, I saw his face was so dark, and he wanted to talk to me after work. I felt something was wrong but could not figure it out. It was about his ex, who broke up with him about 2 month ago. She found out his email account pw, logged on his email, and read all of our emails, photos, and love letters. She got crazy, started to call him, constantly crying and begging to take her back. The problem is the woman was still married, decide not to see him freely, but now she decided to divorce her husband to be with him AFTER SHE SAW our emails. She blamed him he ruined her marriage, and now she is divorcing, and he should take her.
Now he stands between 2 women, felt guilt for both of us, and suffering morning and night. Our relationship is barely 2 month old, and his ex relationship is 4 years old. He started to see me a month later she broke up with him, and he told me that the last year or so, they were both suffering for the distance and circumstances.
Today, he is in US office, but withdrawn, and asked me to break for a while to sort out his head. His ex relationhsip was toxic in his own word, but he has so much baggage, and he was not healed completely. I am so scared he will make a bad decision, and I will end up losing him.

By the way, his ex lives in Asia in a different country, 2,000 miles away from his new location. I am in US, 60,000 miles away from his new location. She is 40, I am 45 divorced (but I am stunning young looking beauty and have no issues to get date), and he is 41… I am so scared to loose him now. Any advice to win him will be appreciated. My heart is broken.

[vanheart]

Sounds like you got with the wrong guy.

"he has so much baggage"

Some people like to say don't crap where you eat.

Shameful all around.

[Ash123]

The whole story on both sides sounds clinical and superficial.
Ranks, c-levels, his position etc.. I think you got infatuated and it maybe was moving towards love, and same went for him, but I do not think anyone should be dating right now and really went deep enough for any serious decisions... wives, husbands, trips, drama. He got hurt by her and you are getting hurt by him...

I'd say take a step back and try being friends for a while. This may not be your future...

[vanheart]

"I think you got infatuated"

"He got hurt by her and you are getting hurt by him..."

Completely.

Nip this one in the bud.

Don't confuse things more. Enough manipulation on all parts. Don't press this.

[scpark]

The whole story on both sides sounds clinical and superficial.
ranks, c-levels, his position etc..I think you got infatuated and it maybe was moving towards love, and same went for him, but I do not think anyone should be dating right now and really went deep enough for any serious decisions.....wives, husbands, trips, drama. He got hurt by her and you are getting hurt by him...

I'd say take a step back and try being friends for a while. This may not be your future....

Ash, thanks for your advice. I think you are so accurate on this. I was drawn to his devotion, and professionalism, and made him as my mentor in my mind from the day 1 I met him. Contradictory, I found his personal life is messed up with wrong relationship, and that’s why he was so focused on work and always lonely.
I am very hurt by his action now. He wrote me emails during trips, “I am yours” constantly. Now, he is locked himself in his office and being distant from me. It is not what I expected.
I hate to be in limbo, and I was angry, and told him I cannot be anybody’s option, and broke off. He was hurt by it deeply, and I could hear he was mourning in his office when I passed by his office. I have to confess I did not mean it, but I did it to only hurt him back… I do not know what to do. I am very sad, I miss him a lot. I might already lost the chance to be even his friend by my action. I do not know what to do. He is in the same building, but we are avoiding each other now. I never told him I love him, but I think I love him even with his stupid fault. Should I cool off and see how it goes?

[vanheart]

Sorry you have to feel his pain as you walk by his office, & did it to only hurt him back, but it takes two.

Or three here.

"Contradictory, I found his personal life is messed up with wrong relationship"

Not for you to decide.

"I cannot be anybody’s option"

You're right about that never should.

"by my action"

Yup.

"Should I cool off and see how it goes?"

Cool off yes. See where it goes, No.

How about the job you were so excited about, until..

[Starry nights]

SCpark,you have done the right thing by conveying your feelings to him upfront,esp the "I am nobody's option" part.Way to go!

Back off a lot,carry on with the great job you are doing at work,get busy with other things,new people,hobbies etc.Its not easy to work under the same roof with someone you had feelings for and am sure there could be difficult times ahead.

Prepare yourself to feel sad,lost and hurt for sometime,but I can guarantee that if you work hard enough on recovering and healing,it won't be long before you find happiness and peace once again.

[lickemlolly]

I have a feeling that once this guys head clears he will probably come back around... question is will you want to take him back... he was wrong to do what he did to you.. if he wasn't sure about his ex coming back to him then he should not have gotten involved with you... however he was honest with you and told you what was going on.. this breakup of his is fresh and any human person needs time to get over a long term relationship breakup... it is normal for a person to have doubts about a prior relationship.. no matter how toxic it is... I have an ex now that was so horrible to me but I loved him so much.. and 2 months after we split if he would have come back in to the picture I probably would have considered taking him back... even though I KNEW it was wrong.. love doesn't go away overnight... its not a light switch and we can't just turn it on and off... that DOES NOT by any means justify him hurting you... do what's best for you

[scpark]

Sorry you have to feel his pain as you walk by his office, & did it to only hurt him back, but it takes two.

Or three here.

"Contradictory, I found his personal life is messed up with wrong relationship"

Not for you to decide.

"I cannot be anybody’s option"

Youre right about that never should.

"by my action"

Yup.

"Should I cool off and see how it goes?"

Cool off yes. See where it goes, No.

How bout the job you were so excited about, until...?

Thanks for asking about my job. I am doing great in my career even though I am going through stormy period personally. I have been always focused on my job, will still do, no matter what happens. I worked all weekend long last week as well.

[scpark]

SCpark,you have done the right thing by conveying your feelings to him upfront,esp the "I am nobody's option" part.Way to go!

Back off a lot,carry on with the great job you are doing at work,get busy with other things,new people,hobbies etc.Its not easy to work under the same roof with someone you had feelings for and am sure there could be difficult times ahead.

Prepare yourself to feel sad,lost and hurt for sometime,but I can guarantee that if you work hard enough on recovering and healing,it wont be long before you find happiness and peace once again.

Thanks for your thoughtful advice. I appreciate it, and it helps me a lot.

I am backing off a lot, and I made up my mind that no matter how long it takes, I will not negotiate with the situation, and fight for myself to be the one or nothing. I will not step back.
When I broke up with him, he told me that it hurts him because he knows it is not fair for me at all, and he should clean up his mess first, and come back to me if I am still free and take him back. I did not promise anything to him. He constantly told me that he knows he is miserable with this person, but his mind is not clear yet, and cannot concentrate on me right now. He blamed the wrong timing. His recent breakup, job transfer to Asia…

One more thing is though, since the day one, he told me that he is so scared because his feeling for me is so overwhelming, and makes him feel very weak. He is very dominant person by himself and it is somewhat refreshing to me.

He told me whenever he thinks about me he feels he became a 10 years-old boy again, and just laughing. (He sent me his childhood picture for fun by the way to explain). I do not know what is that means. I do feel happy whenever I think about him (until breakup), and does not understand this. Anybody can explain it to me?

However, I feel so sad and lonely. I did not know I was so much involved with him emotionally in the short period. Falling in love is easy, but breaking up is very hard… I am focusing on my job right now, and this is the best job I ever had in my career. Thanks god, my job is demanding, constantly checking out emails morning to night and it consumes my energy and time right now.

[scpark]

i have a feeling that once this guys head clears he will probably come back around...question is will you want to take him back...he was wrong to do what he did to you..if he wasnt sure about his ex coming back to him then he should not have gotten involved with you...however he was honest with you and told you what was going on..this breakup of his is fresh and any human person needs time to get over a long term relationship breakup...it is normal for a person to have doubts about a prior relationship..no matter how toxic it is...i have an ex now that was so horrible to me but i loved him so much..and 2 months after we split if he would have come back in to the picture i probably would have considered taking him back...even though i KNEW it was wrong..love doesnt go away overnight...its not a light switch and we can't just turn it on and off...that DOES NOT by any means justify him hurting you...do whats best for you

Thank you so much. I agree with you for every single word you said. I know it takes time to clear up mind.

He was very honest from the beginning, he told me from the day one he has broken up with his ex recently after 4 years, and I tried not to take it seriously. They were in long distance relationship; the woman was married with 2 kids, both moved around the world separately from Asia, Europe, and US. According to him, he could not even contact her freely, she allowed him to call her for an hour time window a day for the last year. He told me their relationship has been suffering for the past year, and constantly fighting, he finally became tired and became cold & distant. He told me he did not try to hold her when she broke up with him. He thought it was done for good sake.

Now, he is getting a brand new job & a dream house in Asia, and another woman me. His ex sneaked his email, and was very jealous. In email, we exchanged all the love stuff, his and my photos, his passionate confession, private talk, and my sweet notes…His ex was furious and jealous. I think she finally decide not to lose him and try to win him for any means.

My question is, if I am her, after seen all the notes and his confession, am I willing to take him back and recover from it? The relationship suffered already, and adding another scar on the top of it, and how will it work? I have to think she is breaking us up…

No matter what, I want him as whole or nothing. I have no choice, but should back off, and live my life and take care of myself and job. I hope he realize the situation, and come back to me soon.

[scpark]

I have been in NC personally for 2 days now, keep my office doors closed, and started to use different entrance and elevator to avoid to meet him unintentionally.
I just saw him in the early morning meeting. I am supposed see him in a series of conference meeting for 3 days in row. He is NOT my boss, but the main character in the meeting, and it is weird to see him standing and gave us strategic directions. I am trying to be objective, but it was hard to see his face. He seemed drunk heavily last night, messy, tired, and depressed. When he saw my face, I noticed he was blushed. He has blazer sharp speech with excellent analysis & passion normally, but he seemed unfocused and uninterested. He excused himself not feel good, and left early. I think he is fighting with rejection from me… just sad. Two people are hurt by each other…

[lickemlolly]

Sounds like that may be the case... I think you are both hurt in the situation... has he tried to talk to you about this? If not I wouldn't approach him.. and like you said and ill advise don't put your life on hold for him... it would appear as though he is really going through it but id be careful not to fall into a trap.. be cautious and decide what you want to do.. and if he does talk to you be clear about how it is you feel... and go from there... but don't allow him to jerk you around going back and forth between you and her.. either he wants you or he doesn't.. if he does then he needs to let her go for good.. and you need to be firm about that and make him understand you won't tolerate any nonsense... good luck

[scpark]

sounds like that may be the case...i think you are both hurt in the situation...has he tried to talk to you about this? if not i wouldnt approach him..and like you said and ill advise dont put your life on hold for him...it would appear as though he is really going through it but id be careful not to fall into a trap..be cautious and decide what you want to do..and if he does talk to you be clear about how it is you feel...and go from there...but dont allow him to jerk you around going back and forth between you and her..either he wants you or he doesnt..if he does then he needs to let her go for good..and you need to be firm about that and make him understand you wont tolerate any nonsense...good luck

Lick, I promised to myself I will not initiate to talk to him. I do not want to look desperate. I am doing my best to hold myself well, feel relaxed not chased by anxiety.

We had to be in a 3 way conference call for 30 minutes today, and the another person did not join and basically he and I were on the call, and waited another person for more than 10 minutes alone. We used chat friendly in the case, but now we had odd silence… after 10 minutes or so, finally he said he should go, and said bye, but I did not say a word. He did not hang up for long time, and seemed to wait for me to say anything. There was about another 10 min long pause, and I finally said bye and hung up. He seems struggling with his ego.

[scpark]

"Contradictory, I found his personal life is messed up with wrong relationship"

Not for you to decide.

Just for clarification. All the description of his ex relationship was from him, not me. Thanks.

[lickemlolly]

You know I could be wrong... im going to make this suggestion... and others probably will not agree with this I'm sure.. but perhaps he is closed down because of the cold shoulder... without "talking about the issue... like going after him in a sense you could try a different technique... like being friendly... he probably thinks that you have shut him out and in essence don't want anything to do with him... therefore he is backing away.. which is contrary to what you say you want... so with that being said you may want to back off the solitude a bit.. you are purposely shutting him out... but be careful... and be warned this may not end the way you want it to... if he chooses her you may get hurt... but it seems he is more upset with the fact that he feels he's lost you then anything else... I could be wrong and this is just my opinion...

[JudyKayTee]

I'm concerned on several levels - first, this "hang up, no, you hang up" behavior seems out of place in high level management.

If you are a "stunning young looking beauty and have no issues to get date" I don't know why you are putting up with this, why you don't just walk away from this man who, minimally, is conflicted.

You say you are scared to "loose (lose) him now." I don't think you ever "had" him.

This post is a very good reminder why workplace relationships can be a real hassle.

I feel sorry for you - I honestly do - but I think you have to put all of this in perspective and decide what to do.

Me? I'd walk away.

[scpark]

I'm concerned on several levels - first, this "hang up, no, you hang up" behavior seems out of place in high level management.

If you are a "stunning young looking beauty and have no issues to get date" I don't know why you are putting up with this, why you don't just walk away from this man who, minimally, is conflicted.

You say you are scared to "loose (lose) him now." I don't think you ever "had" him.

This post is a very good reminder why workplace relationships can be a real hassle.

I feel sorry for you - I honestly do - but I think you have to put all of this in perspective and decide what to do.

Me? I'd walk away.

I disagree. We all have feelings, easy to get hurt no matter what occupation we have. I do not believe some people have entitlement to be more arrogant than others. Are you saying I should be able to dump people easily with no pain? It seems non-sense to me.

Walking away? I am thinking about it, and it is painful as you can imagine. If it was not painful, I would not be here to tell you my story.

[JudyKayTee]

Well, first I think you should read the rules of the site before you begin to hand out "agree" and "disagree" ratings.

I find the "I'll hold on, no, I'll hold on" to be juvenile. Obviously you don't agree but I find no place for that in a professional office setting. Somebody is paying both of you to sit on the phone and listen to each other breathe.

As far as dumping - it seems to me that he is dumping you, not the other way around.

As far as having people - I'm married to a man I love. I don't "have" him. He's my husband, not my possession. Do I have his love? Certainly. Do I own him? No.

[scpark]

sounds like that may be the case...i think you are both hurt in the situation...has he tried to talk to you about this? if not i wouldnt approach him..and like you said and ill advise dont put your life on hold for him...it would appear as though he is really going through it but id be careful not to fall into a trap..be cautious and decide what you want to do..and if he does talk to you be clear about how it is you feel...and go from there...but dont allow him to jerk you around going back and forth between you and her..either he wants you or he doesnt..if he does then he needs to let her go for good..and you need to be firm about that and make him understand you wont tolerate any nonsense...good luck

Thank you so much for your support.

I have update for you. He showed up at my house with flower in the evening, and took me out for dinner. He apologized that he delivered the bad news to me without consideration. He told me he was upset by the fact that he made me upset, and nothing matters any more to him at this moment. He told me he would leave everything behind, and wanted us to be together like before. I forgave him.

We are good again, and I feel very relieved. He suggested me to take a vacation, and visit his new house in the new location in the labor’s day weekend. Thanks a lot..