[Amorous One]

I hope you like to read, here goes...

I was with this breathtakingly beautiful, fun and amazingly intelligent girl for almost a year… She is the most incredible girl I have ever met in my life. She is 18 and I am 26, yet age never seemed to be an issue (except for her parents whom she felt she had to basically hide our relationships from). We always enjoy each others company, have so much fun together (even when simply doing nothing). It just always feels great being with each other.

We have had our minor differences but never really fought about things, when we did disagree on something it was generally in a fun and healthy way that inspired growth and understanding, not anger and hate. It looked to me (and anyone else who ever seen us together) that we were THE most dynamic and perfect couple.

Things recently got a little rough outside of our relationship – I was in a bit of a rut with my career and she was stressed with her daily tensions of school, folks (yes, she still lives at home) and work -- We began to see less of each other over a course of a few weeks and I was starting to really miss having her around. She used to be so wonderful about making time to see me every so often, but suddenly these visits and phone calls were becoming less frequent and she began to spend more time at home and with her friends --- Her 2 main friends by the way, have just recently broken up with their boyfriends and are having the time of their lives in the clubs, etc (which I feel may have contributed to my girls decission to eventual breakup).

I should have just realized that I simply needed to afford her the space she needed, and let her do what she wanted, but instead I took things rather badly. I got a bit worried about her clubbing all the time and I began to feel as though she was avoiding me and my calls,, So in short, I eventually screwed up,, BIG TIME!! Instead of trying to be more understanding and supportive of her, I began demanding that she pay more attention to me and my expectations.. After all if she loved me, why wouldn't she at least take the time to call and see how I was doing, right? This of course just ended up pushing her away from me even farther. Then one day (Friday Dec 8th around 11 am - a day I'll never forgive myself for or forget), I got so frustrated that I HAD tell her how I felt. It seemd as though her excusses were just that,, EXCUSSES, I couldn't understand how any of them explained why she couldn't just at least call me once in a while... So then I DID THE WORST THING A MAN COULD EVER DO TO A WOMAN.. I openned my big mouth and gave her an ultimatum. She called my bluff,, I never really wanted her to go but now I'm alone, pining for the woman I'm crazy about. *stupis stupid stupid*

I was shocked because I didn’t think she would ever seriously decide to end things... EVER! Things have been so good between us for so long, we loved each other and swore that we would never hurt one another... and now I felt betrayed at her desission. I didn't think I was asking much of her and hoped that with a little effort we could overcome and get over this. We were just too good a couple to have it all thrown away. We were the envy (or gag reflex) of everyone who ever saw us together,, then Poof!! Gone!

I understand now that she just needed more space and is bothered with the daily tensions presently in her life... Perhaps she picked up on my worry about her haging out with her single friends at clubs and I started to make her feel guity. Was it was wrong to tell her that I needed more out of our relationship? She has been the single greatest blessing to have ever come into my life, perhaps I should have just been happy with whatever time she could spend and not harped on her... but then again I have a right to respect my needs too?

There are lots of fish out in the sea, I know... but never in a million trillion bazillion years will I ever find a girl like her again. I want her back in my life so badly, and I know she still has strong feelings for me as well. Last time we spoke, I surprised her during lunch at school and hoped we could talk about things,, she said she didn't want to deal with any of it right now and told me she didn't want to see me for a week or so while she thinks about things... *Denied!!

Aside from a couple short and sweet emails letting her know how sorry I am and how much I love her and miss her, I have given her space by not calling or seeing her... What do I do now while I wait? When I do see her next how should I act?

Should I just be honest about how heart broken I have been over this,, deeply appologie, and try to talk things out, letting her know how I want her back??

Or should I appologie for the way I have been, just play cool like nothing has happened and just be the fun and exciting guy she fell in love with and not pressure trying to get back with her... wait for her to come to me?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated Thanks!

[crazygirl13455]

Well it depends on when the last time you saw her way. You said you surprised her at lunch. That was an invasion of her space as it is. But she said she didn't want to see you for a week or so... let her cool down. Don't push it though... she's still young. The way you said you felt about her, you want to spend the rest of your life with her. It mgiht be a case of loving her enough to let her go, and letting her see the other 'fish in the sea'. As I said, she's still young, she might have once thought she knew what she wanted, and has changed her mind. Give her time & space. But let her know [maybe personally] that no matter what your relationship is with her now, that u'll always be around if she needs you.

[Amorous One]

Thanks Crazygirl,

I know you're probably right... I should have seen this coming, but I thought she was more mature than that and really appreciated me for how I truly see her for who she is and deeply care about her. You're right, she may have gotten a little scared about things getting so serious. I know I have been the greatest and most genuine boyfriend she has ever had in her life so far... all of her previous relationships the guys just used her for sex and chucked her away or cheated on her, etc...

I was hoping she'd realize and appreciate that for me it was never about the sex (she wasn't very sexual and I never pushed her) or mind games. I always tried to understand her, love her for who she was, what she was doing in life, and most of all being a best friend to her and have fun,

I get sick thinking about the guys she might meet who'll not be as genuine as I have been in my intentions towards her and I am afraid of her getting hurt again. I truly feel like I am the right guy for her. And if it takes having to let her go to have her realize what she had... I have no choice.

I can't help but want to put up a fight and try to get her back though... you know?

I have already let her know that I will still always be here for her... but my friends are saying to date other girls in the meantime even though I can't even think of being with anyone else. They are saying that It will 1) help me get over her 2) maybe make her jelious and want me back.

What's your take on this? I can see how it may work, and I don't want to wait a mope around for her like some shmuck,, But it just doesn't feel right forme right now.


Thanks again

[crazygirl13455]

It would help you get over her most likely. But it could definitely go the other way... it could make you miss her even more. Id wait it out. Its too soon to jump into dating, because your expectations would be really high, if this girl is as truly perfect for you as u say. And as far as the jealousy thing... bleh. It almost never works. And if she's serious about ending it once and for all this might give her the heads up to also start dating. Definitely start thinking about meeting new people. People your age who know more of what they want, more mature about how serious they want to get.

[Amorous One]

You know,, for a Crazygirl, you're not so crazy after all girl. It's definitely more welcome to hear a girl's side of things than my guy friends harsher input. ;o)

If you have any other thoughts about what I should do here, they are for sure welcome.

Thanks again for your help, and happy holidays by the way.
A

Speaking of Happy Holidays,, that brings me to another question... Should I still get her something for X-Mass? If so, should I get her something big or just something small right now?

I'm afraid if I get something too big it'll make her feel guilty. Oui? Keep it simple?

[Nohitter410]

Please do not get her anything. I am begging you do not. I do agree age doesn't matter. But when you are 18 it is much easier to be persuaded by what your friends and parents tell you to do. Because honestly at 18 did you know what you wanted. Trying to force her to figure out what she wants won't work.

The reason I said no gift is because what is the point and what will it accomplish. If you have to pay for her love then she was never your love to begin with. No gift will make her come back to you. She initiated the breakup and that means she wanted this regardless of her still have feelings for you. You made a point saying your career hit a lag. Why not focus on that you are 26, I am not saying move on but go away for awhile and focus on your job. THat should be the most important anyway.

And telling yourself you can do no better than her is utterly ridiculous. Negativity is all in your head. IS this honestly the worst thing that could have happened? Get your life in order and please do not get her a gift. If you do no matter how big or small you will make it much worse. If you must give her a text of happy holidays but I would hope you have the discipline to do no contact.

[Amorous One]

Thanks Nohitter,

I think I see your point, however I don't mean to imply that I think getting her a gift is going to buy back her love or anything... It's just to show that I still care for her and respect her even after this breakup. What if I don't get her a gift and she gets me one? If I do give her anything, I think it'll be just a small gift... something special and from me. I am a DJ and she LOVES music, so I was thinking of mixing her a "feel good" CD of some of her favorite songs or something like that... You know? Nothing costly, just simple, from me and from the heart.

I don't understand how getting her no gift might make her come back though.? Explain?

Cheers,
A

Oh, and to be clear,, I think it was really me who initiated the breakup by pushing her and giving her the ultimatum... She just called me on it and followed through because I made it easier for her to without realizing it... She's stressed out from school, work and stuff, add my stuff on top of that and I can fully see why she felt her desission was right. I hurt because I didn't see it coming,, but I shouldn't spite her for it.

[manimuth]

I agree.
The same thing actually happened to me where I was tired of not being taken seriously enough and I gave him an ultimatum to show him I was serious! He told me to go! I was crushed that he agreed that I should probably leave! I went crawling back and from then on I had to accept the fact that I went back to the relationship on my own and that he did not ask me back.
Weeks later, when we both cooled down and talked, he admitted that he told me to leave because he was tired of the cycle of hurt we were in and not because he didn't want to be with me.
Today, we are still together but, again, I do not demand or expect anything because I know in my heart that I was the one who came crawling back, asking to be let back in. You lose some sense of power when you do that. But, I gave up my power because I physically fell ill from losing him.
Hey, I hope my pathetic story gives you at least a bit of relief...

[talaniman]

Your really believe a high school girl is ready for an adult relationship? Don't answer, your actions are proof you didn't have a clue. You are still blinded by the fact, you were infatuated with this female, and refuse to see not only is she not ready to be an adult ,she is not willing either. The best thing you can do is leave her alone, and you do have a life without her don't you? If not I suggest you get one. You're a 27 year old man and your letting this GIRL call the shots in your life? Does this sound healthy to you? Grow up will you.

[JDOP]

I went (am going) through the same situation as you. Leave her alone, if not you will only push her further away. No presents, no calls no emails no meetings no nothing. If she truly loves you she will come back on her own. Do not force her to make decisions, that's what I did and I lost her for good I guess. I also get the feeling that there is more going on than you might know. I think she has made up her mind already. I know you think that she is the love of your life; so do I. She is not though. Everybody is replacable. In 5 years you will look back and say "how did I ever get to think that she was the love of my life"?

[manimuth]

I can understand the pain you are probably going through but don't loose sense of yourself. Keep your worth and dignity and leave her alone. She is very young and you cannot expect her to have the maturity that comes with age--even if you have a lot in common. It will hurt but leave her alone. If it was meant to be, fate might bring you back together again... but for now, take care of yourself.