[siddartha]

I am 28 and have been in a serious relationship with my girlfriend for 8 years now. Until recently I have been utterly faithful to her. Back in November, I discovered that she had feelings for another, much younger guy. At first I was infuriated, but after it all came out and I discovered that nothing (sexually) had happened between them, I decided to talk to my girlfriend and try to make it work. I'm happy to say that things seemed to really turn around after that until just recently. I have always had some minor complaints about my girlfriend - our opinions were not always in sync, something's like our tastes in music and our senses of humor seemed really out of wack. I've always just thought I was nitpicking and I told myself I should just "settle". Well, for the last couple months I've been talking to a girl I work with and the only way I can describe her is if someone took my girlfriend and fixed any problem I ever had with her. I'm not kidding, I don't really believe in God, but she is so perfectly made just for me that I am starting to doubt myself. On everything we discuss we immediatele click, I have never connected with anyone else so strongly before in my life. Sometimes she'll say what I'm thinking before I can say it and vice-versa. So I know what you're thinking "Easy. Just dump your girlfriend and go for it with this new girl", right? Well here's the twist: this girl is married. Now, she has only been married for 2 years and they don't have any kids. We haven't done anything at all romantically yet and I haven't told her how I feel, but I'm also not very good at hiding my emotions and I'm pretty sure she knows that I love her and by the way she acts around me and the way she speaks to me I'm pretty sure she loves me too. We talk every day, phone calls, text messages, emails, Facebook, etc. We have been out to lunch alone together at work and she is constantly inviting me to hang out with her outside of work. We like all the same music, movies, TV shows, etc. and we are aligned on every political or philosophical topic we discuss. I can't deny - I am totally falling for this girl. To further complicate things, I've met her husband, and he's a nice guy - and my girlfriend is a nice, good person as well. So, I guess my question is, What do I do? Do I just stay the course and not be as happy as I know I could be? Do I tell the married girl how I really feel? I just feel like the situation is not fair, am I being completely selfish?

[Kitkat22]

The grass may see greener.. trust me, you are playing with fire! So you seem out of "sync"with your girlfriend? Different taste in music etc. Every couple who agree on everything and never have different opinions and never have different taste would be very boring.

Leave the married woman alone and let the girlfriend know you don't want her anymore. She deserves better.

[martinizing2]

This is a tangled web.

First, if you are unhappy in your currant relationship fix it or end it. It sounds like you both are half hearted in it since you both have been cheating.
Cheating does not necessarily involve sex. When you build a relationship outside the relationship without your partners knowledge , you've cheated.

Then the other "perfect" girl you find is married. Not so perfect.
Married is off limits. And you don't really know if she feels the same as you do.
You should be finding out what her intentions are.

But before anything goes any farther you need to end your currant relationship or try to fix it.

Your new girl needs to make a decision to stay married or get divorced.

Until you both have ended your currant relationships you need to back off. The road you are on leads to turmoil ,heartache, and trouble.

I would be wary of anyone that is married and "working on relationships" outside.
If they do it once , may it not happen again when/if you are together, since she is OK with it now?

I would suggest pulling the segments of your life together and moving in one direction.

You have some very important decisions to make that need to made now.

[artlady]

Every attraction does not have to end in hooking up!

If you can't control yourself around this girl,you need to stop tempting each other.She is married and that means she is unavailable... period.

At some point you must have felt the same way about your GF but after eight years some of the spark begins to ebb.

Take the time and emotional energy you are putting into this married woman and apply it to your current relationship.

You owe that much to your GF and you never mess with a married person!

[Cat1864]

The first thing you do is stop cheating and helping her cheat. You didn't like your girlfriend 'cheating' so what makes it okay for you to do the same thing?

The second thing you do is explain to your current girlfriend that you aren't as committed to her as you thought you were and you end the relationship.

The third thing you do is heal and move on. You now know there are other women in the world you might suit you better than your current girlfriend and are available to be in a relationship with you unlike the married woman.

Quite frankly, you shouldn't be with either of these women due to trust issues. Yours and theirs. If the married woman left her husband and became fully involved with you, there would be in the back of each of your minds, "If he/she left someone for me, who will he/she leave me for?"

[siddartha]

Unfortunately you are all only confirming what I already knew in my heart. I would never want to be in a marriage that falls apart, nor do I want her to be in that situation. I would like to remain friends with her because she is such an amazing person but it may be impossible for me to do that at this point. I'm afraid that the right answer this time may be the one that leaves me hurting and alone...

[Kitkat22]

unfortunately you are all only confirming what I already knew in my heart. I would never want to be in a marriage that falls apart, nor do I want her to be in that situation. I would like to remain friends with her because she is such an amazing person but it may be impossible for me to do that at this point. I'm afraid that the right answer this time may be the one that leaves me hurting and alone...

If it's the right thing that leaves you hurting and alone... you'll survive and be a better person for it.

[artlady]

unfortunately you are all only confirming what I already knew in my heart. I would never want to be in a marriage that falls apart, nor do I want her to be in that situation. I would like to remain friends with her because she is such an amazing person but it may be impossible for me to do that at this point. I'm afraid that the right answer this time may be the one that leaves me hurting and alone...

I was in a relationship that I was committed to and at work I met a new guy.

He turned me on and we had laughs together and I felt myself being so very attracted.

Bottom line,no matter how hard I tried to make the feelings go away they did not.

I eventually quit my job because the stress was tearing me up.There was no avoiding him at work as we worked in a restaurant together.

You seem to have hit on the nail on the head with your admission that you can't be friends.Not with your emotions being stirred to the degree that they are.

[Cat1864]

unfortunately you are all only confirming what I already knew in my heart.

Most of the time we just need confirmation of what we already knew.

It may be the difficult thing to do and the correct thing, but if you allow yourself to heal and when you are ready start dating again, you can find the woman who can work with you to build the life you want.

Good luck.

[Kitkat22]

I sincerely hope you do the right thing. There are more people to consider than just you. I hope you find happiness.

[talaniman]

You are only assuming because you think your falling in love that she is too. I seriously doubt she would feel about you the way you feel about her.

Not unusual when things at home are out of whack, and its easy to be distracted by what seems a better choice for happiness. Its not, and its complicated by being at work and the distraction is readily available, but she is married, and instead of taking care of home, your heart and mind have wondered elsewhere.

You don't solve problems at home by giving in to fantasy and letting that fantasy get you carried away and actually entertain the thoughts of doing something really STUPID like confessing feelings of love to a married woman, at work.

That's well over the lines of good behavior, and as I said, nice in the fantasy world, but a stupid idea in reality.

Go home, and resolve your personal issues with your female, and leave the fantasy where it belongs, in fantasy land.

I have been married more than thirty years, and the only time another females gets me all stirred up, is when the wife and I are going through a temporary glitch. I think most people are the same way basically, but the solution is to work through these glitches and not get carried away by outside temptations.

Even if you cannot get it together with your female at home, being single and free is a better path than chasing a married female. So take it HOME.

Hurt and lonely can be fixed, stupidity cannot!