[buddyholmes]

I love my girlfriend of 3 months. She loves me. I found out last night about a relationship she was in over the summer with a guy who was just into sex, pot, and alcohol. When I mentioned that she hadn't told me about it before she said it was because she was so ashamed of it. Its not just this - she's had lots of bad relationships in the past and is more sexually-experienced than I am although neither one of us has had sex. We are in college - she's 19 and I'm 20. I've only had 3 relationships before and she's mentioned at least 9.

I love her a lot but don't want to be her doctor or father figure. I'm pretty sure she just needs to realize her own self-worth outside of my love for her. What can I say or do to equalize the relationship?

[Dominique]

I don't think the difference matters that much. I wouldn't worry about it.

If she wanted to be with any of the previous guys she would still be there.

Just concentrate on what good things you have between you and all should be well.

[dwalex]

You are right to be concerned if she seems to lack feelings of self worth and to derive her worth from relationship. This will put a lot of pressure on the relationship and can create a codependent situation. If you think she may be the "one" for you, talk about this and share your concerns. Suggest she talk to a counselor about this and other issues that may trouble her.

Some good books on the issue are;
FEELING GOOD, THE NEW MOOD THERAPY
By David Burns and
FEELING BETTER, GETTING BETTER, STAYING BETTER
By Albert Ellis

Best wishes,
Dwalex

[buddyholmes]

Thanks,
I am not one who believes that "one" exists. I believe I could be with many other people and feel close. It seems like she thinks I'm the one though because of how different I am from her past boyfriends - I pay attention to her, don't cheat on her, don't engage in an unhealthy lifestyle, have motivations, can have fun, don't pressure her, etc.

I'm getting the impression that she feels intellectually inferior to me. Granted I am academically smarter but she doesn't interact with me the same way I interact with her. I don't think she'd ever write on a message board like I am right now about our relationship. I'm trying to get her to communicate more with me - to tell me what's on her mind - but she is insecure, saying that she can't put into words what she thinks. I really want her to try, because being the serious conversation instigator is becoming annoying. I think I will suggest she talks to a counselor about this although I believe she'd be opposed to it and may even take offense. I think I need to talk to a counselor but see nothing wrong with doing so.

[dwalex]

It is important that you do not hold her past against her, which it sounds like you are not. If she is someone you feel like you could spend a lifetime with then you need to be patient, 3 months is not so long a time to know for sure perhaps. If howerver, you know deep in your heart that this is not a relationship that will bring you life long happiness and allow you to pursue your dreams and goals then cutting it off sooner would be likely easier on both of you than later. She can change some things about her but realisticaly her core personality is in place, is that the personality of the person you want to grow old with. If yes, then time, patience and understanding and perhaps a little professional help can make it work, if the answer is no, move on before you get even more involved.

[chaz1797]

To aire is human and we all make mistakes in life that we are not proud of, but it doesn't help for you to feel that she has more over you than she has on sex... What you need to do is be understanding and try to help relate to this new relationship and help her forget a past she obviously has nothing good to remember about... stop thing about being evan with the expeorence ansd think about how you feel and she feels and communicate your concerns, but don't accuse her of not telling you something she wants to forget, maybe there is a reason... ask before you assume to jump to conclusions or making her feel worst then what she already does... the past is the past this is the present... best of luck and God bless

Chaz :)

[winding200]

Hey,
I know it bothers you.
However, think about whom she is with now. The past is gone. Make sure she will have self esteam and will not repeat the same mistake again. And move on with her!
Good luck!