[blackie]

Hi. Me and my boyfriend had been dating for a year. Just for now, it’s a long distance relationship since he had to move to another city for work. He had been working so hard and barely had time to contact me. That bothers me a bit but I got over it. But recently we had a lot of argument over nothing in particular. He hurts me a lot of times but every time he realized what he said to me is wrong and called to apologize. He said he had been really tired and barely had time to sleep so he gets angry very easily. I understand that, but we've been through a lot of this kind of situation.

Today is his holiday so last night after work he has to go over to his friend's house because his friend is moving out of town. So he couldn't give me time again because of his friend. And today he went to visit another friend but she was dead. What I mean is that he went to her house and her grave with another guy friend. I know I shouldn't be feeling bad. But something bothers me. I know the girl is dead and she has nothing to do with him now. She was his really really best friend so she was kind of special to him. I felt this jealousy and I can't stand it. I mean, the girl is dead, but I feel jealous because I think she is special to him although he never mentioned it. I guess the way he talked about her, its like, she's so special. Am I crazy? I feel like crying and totally depressed but I try not to. I even felt bad that he spent time with his other guy friend last night. Because of his friend he doesn't have time for me.

He always say that I'm the most important thing in his life. But I don't know why I feel so bad about this. Is it because of the recent fights and then he has no time for me and went to meet his dead friend [girl] ?

Please help me. I don't understand myself. I don't know what I should do. I know if I'm angry at him for going with his guy friend then he'll think that I'm childish and imatuer. If I get jealous of the dead girl, his 'special' friend, he'll think I'm... just being stupid. And I know I'm stupid but please tell me. What should I do now? I feel I'm not special to him any longer.

[buddyholmes]

What I think is that he is using this time to work on himself and his life outside of you. This doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, or even that he cares about you less than he did before. When he was able to see you often, it became routine and you were, by default, a major focal point in his life. Now that he is working far away he is realizing this part of his life he had taken a break from for a while when he began seeing you.

I would be patient if I were you - I think the best thing you can do is work on yourself - take this opportunity with him far away to get in touch with the part of your life you had taken a break from by being with him. You will be able to be a better partner to him by realizing the value of your special non-boyfriend life. Express your love for him still, and don't resort to being angry at him for living his non-girlfriend life. It is perfectly okay for you to say you wish for him to spend more time with you, but perhaps include that you accept his choice to visit old and dead friends. Cry a lot - its good - but don't feel worthless - you are great!

[blackie]

Thank you very much for your suggestion, semloh dub . Its short, but it does mean a lot.

Actually, last night he talked to me after visiting his dead friend. He was so sad so he cried for her. I was even more jealous because 'he cried for another girl' although she was just his best friend. But he told me that this girl was a VERY Important friend to him. And he even said that he will hate me if I wouldn't stop my jealousy. I know he's just saying it, but, he was PROTECTING her. He doesn't let me say anything bad about his SPECIAL friend... and... I'm HIS GIRLFRIEND... I mean... and he's protecting her... you know what I mean? I can't stand it.

The way he talked about her was like, as if she is SO important that he won't let anybody hurt her. And.. what about me? Aren't I more important than her? He said he loves me, but he like her. Love and like is different. And he only like her as a friend and nothing more. He said his friend [the dead girl] is important to him. But I'm important to him too. In different ways. But... 2 girls are important in his life, all the time I thought it was only ME.

I believe that they were really close friends, but... its just that he seemed to make her more important to him than me... the way I feel it... I feel so bad now and I know its stupid to be jealous of a dead girl... please help me.

[dwalex]

It really sound like to me that the real issue is not his behavior but your feelings of low self worth. If you make it your goal to love yourself for who you are and live the type of life you can be proud of several things should happen. The relationship will add to your joy for life not be the primary source of what little joy you have, you will be less likely to get upset by his little slips and you certainly will have enough confidence not to be jelous of a dead person.

Several great books; FEELING GOOD, THE NEW MOOD THERAPY by David Burns and FELLING BETTER, GETTING BETTER, STAYING BETTER by Albert Ellis.

Don't forget that true happiness in life comes from a healthy relationship with your God, ask Him in prayer for the wisdom you need.

Best wishes,
Dwalex

[chaz1797]

Hey friend,
Jealousy can be a big problem if we don't nip it immediately, don't let those feelings put a barrior in your relationship... You need to communicate to your guy how your feeling but not in a jealousy way, express the saddness you feel for his lost and maybe light a candle for her with him at church, but give him support, show him your not just his girl, you're his friend no matter what and show him you give him support, you;ll be surprised at how he'll look at you differently and seek to be around others because he can talk to you about other things besides your relationship... Best wishes and God bless...


Chaz :) show him you can be a friend and not just a girl friend...

[changingthings]

What?? I don't understand why you are getting jealous of someone who is no longer alive! Everyone that is in a present relationship has a past. Whether it be a friend that they really cared about, or a gf/bf. You can't get jealous of that. It is something that exsisted before you. For whatever reason they are not with that person any longer, and they are with you. In your case there is especially no reason to be jealous considering that she has passed away. Most people that are that jealous, have to worry about a prior relationship with a person that is still alive, than there might actually be a reason to feel threatened because they could actually still be able to have some sort of contact with them. It sounds like you are not being very understanding, and that you are extremely insecure!! He obviously is having a hard time excepting that he lost a really good friend. When anyone you care about dies, you go through a grieving process. That process is different for everyone, and can take a long time. Don't you have any friends, male or female that if you thought about, god forbid something happening to, how you devistated you be. That is a pretty hard thing to go through. I think, if you really care about him like you claim to, than you would want to support him through this. But mainly I think you need to focus on why you are so insecure and needy. It really sounds very immature. You really might want to think about that. You acting this way is going to push him away from you because number one you are not allowing him to go through feelings that are normal, which means you are not allowing him to be his own person, number two, he will eventually not have the energy to deal with such a needy person. I suggest you get some counseling, therapy or some kind of help dealing with your issues. When you feel good about yourself, and love yourself, people will see that and will treat you better. Good luck.

[ladyandjan]

You seem to have a huge 'problem' w/a dear friend who has since passed on and the man you are with who had a great friendship with this woman. My best friend also has passed and I would not let anyone say a bad word about her except for her family who knew her just as well as I did as know one else has that right or has earned it. The more you rag on about this woman the further your going to push this man away from you as you do not have any respect for the dead or the fact that they had a great friendship which maybe you have never taken the time to develop w/anyone. Get over it and get beyond it if you can't understand that a man can have a woman as a friend (I have a few close friends who are men) and nothing more than than. You need to do some growing as a person in order to have a deep relationship w/anyone. Give yourselves a chance and you'll see how great everything will be.