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talaniman · Aug 10, 2010, 09:13 AM

One of you will get sick, and tired and make a decision, and then follow a plan of action.

Protect yourself, and your kids.

tucsondoc · Aug 10, 2010, 09:33 AM

Her parents had a similar dysfunctional arrangement, sleeping in different bedrooms. I worry that she is modeling them, and that our kids will model us. But, I still worry about the effects of divorce on an 11 and 13 year old. They may end up modeling us with their own divorces someday.

talaniman · Aug 10, 2010, 10:54 AM

Wonder which behavior is the worst, separate bedrooms, or divorce?

Kitkat22 · Aug 10, 2010, 11:15 AM

Sometimes couples sleep in different bedrooms because one of them snore. Doesn't mean they don't have an active love life.

I don't think I would want to, but who knows.

tucsondoc · Aug 11, 2010, 10:36 AM

Last PM my wife sent a text saying she was going to dinner with one of her baseball friends. I called her, asked why she won't go to dinner with me but will with him, and said how hurt I felt. She screamed at me, saying how unhappy she's been for years because of how I've treated her, and she has no interest in making the marriage work. She refuses to talk to anybody about this. I'm concerned that she may have a mental condition, especially how she blames me for everything. If we divorce, then the kids will have to live with a mom with a mental condition.

talaniman · Aug 11, 2010, 03:25 PM

A wife who doesn't like her husband is not mental, just mad. And I guess so are you right now.

Sorry guy, when a wife starts dating another, its time for some very proactive action. Think about it, because when there is no talking, or trying, and disrespectful behavior, its time to go, so again protect yourself, and your relationship with your kids, and put the rest in your back pocket, and leave.

Kitkat22 · Aug 11, 2010, 03:28 PM

You can't save a marriage when one partner wants out.

She's been unhappy for a long time.

Allie602 · Aug 14, 2010, 11:44 AM

Lets see if I have this right - Your wife is dating another man with whom she shares an interest in baseball, she does not have sex with you and does not want your touch, she has told you she is no longer interested in the marriage, she refuses to take responsibility for any of the problems in the marriage, she is dispectful to you, treats you and your concerns with contempt. Oh I forgot she wants to remodle the kitchen. Tucsondoc, you are divorced and your wife has started to date.
I can see that you are committed to making your marriage work and concern for your children is a big and ligitimate factor for staying together. If you decide to stay then you have to put up with the reality that your wife will continue to treat you with contempt and disrespect.
Although keeping an intact home is good for the kids seeing their Father treated like you are treated is not.
If you examine and accept the new realities of your life I think you will be able to cope better. First, you have to e plain to your wife that when one spouse exits the relationship, activities with repect to money change as well. There is no reason to invest in a kitchen redesign if she has exited the relationship is there. She is getting emotional support and maybe sex from someone other than yourself and I am certain if things go as they are now, you may seek the same. Her perception of reality is distorted but she does not seem crazy from what you say here she sounds very angry. I would sit down and really think about where you are, maybe consider this a separation and although you both stay in the house, everything else has to be negotiated to make it the lest emotionally painful for all especially the kids.

tucsondoc · Aug 14, 2010, 01:34 PM

She's not in love with those guys, she is just infatuated with how kindly they treat her. She knows she can't be with them. She just thinks I should treat her special like they do. I told her I must have at one time as we did marry. She just focuses on how I've treated her recently. I admitted that I've not treated her the way she deserves to be treated out of resentment of her spending and her lack of appreciation of what she has. I expected her to be happy with a comfortable lifestyle and was frustrated that she wasn't, which is why I called her a b****. I told her that I now know how important it is to be kind to her, but again, she says it's too late. We married Catholic, but she no longer attends Mass. I asked if she still believed in forgiveness and reconciliation, but she is not ready for either.

I've accepted the new reality of a loveless (from her side), sexless marriage for the time being. Maybe I'm a martyr for staying for the kids sake, but I'll stop if I start blaming them instead of myself for staying.

vmom1 · Aug 14, 2010, 02:51 PM

My husband and I recently had a similar break after 20 years of marriage. One thing he said to me that I really took to heart was "I have no expectations" - meaning of me. He was waiting for me to vent, heal, come back around to him in my own time. One thing I read recently on the internet really spoke to how women sometimes get into these resentful situations, after years of putting up with little hurts and disappointments. Maybe it would be helpful for you to read and understand a little of what she might be going through. I realize you see the need for better communication and maybe counseling, as the article tries to convince "men", but the narration on how it got there might help you..
http://net-burst.net/marital/counseling.htm
Hope it helps. Give her space and lots of love.

Allie602 · Aug 14, 2010, 09:38 PM

I understand better with your latest post. Vmom1 has hit the nail on the head. Please follow her advice and good luck.

tucsondoc · Aug 15, 2010, 05:46 AM

Thanks Vmom1, I'll read the link. I am seeing a therapist, and she told me not to move out. Since I still love her, I'm not willing to give up yet.

tucsondoc · Aug 15, 2010, 08:35 AM

Vmom1, read the link, and it may be too late. I'm starting to see a therapist on my own, my wife absolutely refuses. She may be afraid of issues coming up from her childhood which she feels are too painful to remember, although she has spoken to me about them already. Her's was a home of conflict, which she vows not to repeat in our marriage. That may have contributed to her internalizing our conflicts. Even though she recounts our disagreements, it hasn't seem to lessen the pain. I just ask her not to put anything else in this "closet".

You said your husband has no expectations of you. Not even respect. This is something that is sorely missing in our relationship, especially since she want to go to New York again with her "friend" to watch another Yankees game. I've told her that no only does she not love me, she doesn't respect me. I know I have to earn that respect, but does she have to flaunt her disrespect for me.

talaniman · Aug 15, 2010, 09:52 AM

That would be unacceptable!! When lines are crossed in this manner, communications, and respect are lost, time to back up, and get a whole new plan. I know it hurts going through this, and very hard to imagine the right things to do for yourself, But some of the things you have currently placed aside must be considered. Like separation, and talking to a lawyer. Knowing full rights, and legal options, are but a wise step in protecting yourself, as respect may be earned, but also be deserved too. It also shows that your tired of the games and uncertainty and will entertain your options when you have no respect from a partner.

Maybe seeing how her world would be without you is what she needs to get some reality, or be honest about her agenda, or motives with you. Regardless of the present situation being unsustainable for much longer, you should know you options and the consequences of her actions and that means you having a place to go that YOU can be comfortable at least, to find your peace of mind, and see what path you wish to walk, because she sure as heck ain't doing anything to resolve the issues you have.

I would make no bones to her about my displeasure at her actions. Nor would I hide the fact that I was willing, and able to change this whole dynamic around, and withdraw full support for all her actions.

If she can't talk about it, some one has to go, and soon, and we can sell this house, and get on with our own lives as individuals. You can't make someone work with you, but you can work in your own behalf without them, with much more than just therapy.

tucsondoc · Aug 15, 2010, 10:00 AM

The flaunting is her saying how much she enjoyed New York, or telling me about a text comment from him regarding a particular baseball team. Isn't this being inconsiderate, knowing the problems we've going through?

talaniman · Aug 15, 2010, 10:16 AM

You're the one allowing it, and for sure you will get more of it.

vmom1 · Aug 15, 2010, 11:41 AM

It sounds like you are both really hurting. Maybe she is doing things to hurt you because she felt hurt for a long time. We really can't give you advice here, not knowing both of your sides, and only seeing snippets of information you can give here. Your therapist is better off advising you on what you can do for yourself while you are waiting on or trying to work on things with your wife.

She may really still love you, but the feeling of not wanting to give someone more of you because they hurt you is a very real feeling - I can assure you from my experience. But as you said, she did once love you, and deep down she may still. I advise you to re-read carefully the post I referred to regarding the man's role as the head of the marriage - you are a Godly man and I hope you can see what it is saying there.

I know some people here are advising you to watch out for yourself and keep from getting used (basically). If she is having an affair, that is probably good advice, but if she is just trying to find something enjoyable that distracts her for now, you may have to be patient. Trust is an important facet of marriage - maybe the most important.

I noticed the marriage counselor in this blog keeps advising patience and perserverance, and I agree. Unless I am wrong this topic is only about 3 weeks old? It is difficult, you are hurting and wondering about the future, but it may take more patience than that... I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.

tucsondoc · Aug 15, 2010, 12:06 PM

This has been going on since April. The postings started after my wife because my "housemate" and asked me to not even touch her. I ran out of ideas and was starting to consider divorce. She did talk to me about going to the salon yesterday, and I did complement her on her looks. Baby steps in the right direction is all I am asking for right now. If I believe her, it is the way she was treated, not the guys themselves, that she was missing. It's hard to be nice when she is so cold.

vmom1 · Aug 16, 2010, 08:09 PM

Since April - that is hard. Is that when the original fight was?

Again , since I don't know you well I don't want to give you advice, so I will just tell you how I feel and you can take that for what it is worth. (not as much as what your therapist or your wife has to say certainly!)

You are right to savor baby steps and to keep a positive, loving attitude. Don't let the world tell you how to respond - do what you feel is right and best for your marriage. We know the world does not respect the marriage commitment, but obviously you do. If you can stay patient and keep showing her your desire to reconcile and build a better relationship I believe you will make progress. You said she is noticing changes in you (empathy), but she has to believe they are permanent to build the trust again. Sometimes I don't feel very lovable, and when I see my husband loving me anyway, it really affirms his commitment to me and our relationship.

I hope it helps to know you are not the only one going through these growing pains. Hopefully when we come out of the other side our marriages will be stronger for having fought so hard for them! I pray for you daily now, and if you would do the same for my marriage I would appreciate it.

talaniman · Aug 16, 2010, 08:46 PM

While you are taking those baby steps my friend, be very wary, and proactive against bad behavior. You will know it when you see it. Maybe all she needs is time, and that's okay, there is no hurry, but that doesn't make you a doormat. It should make you pay her closer attention, and a good listener for her vents, and rants, that can be helpful, and healthy. If you just listen.

Listening is important to know when to shut up, and don't try to fix things, and knowing the difference between ranting, venting, and bad behavior.

Pay close attention. By the way I have been married for 35 years, and can tell you paying attention is an absolute must, no matter how you feel.

It occurs to me that supporting her baseball playing, and know her friends, may be just what you need if you can forget jealousy, or resentments for her team mates showing her attention. You did before, why NOT now? If she loves it that much, why NOT?