[gigily]

Hi, well, I have been seeing this guy very cute, lovely and mature recently- about two months and I had a great time with him, now it's the time to make up my mind and see if this relatioship is worth to work on it. Well besides all of the things I like about him, one thing is really bothering me and that is he is really stingy for himself, even though he pay my dinner, but because he doesn't like to spend money we can't go any where excpet free parties. He is making good money but oh god he even doesn't take a taxi or metro to my home and he rather bike it, just because he don't want to spend money. He is 35 already with stable job but he is paying less for his apartment than me...
Do you think I can change him? I mean his cheap life style and the way he treat money? If not do you think this is going to be a big issue in future for me?

THANKS

[tickle]

I would say positively latch on to this guy, gigily. His money issue is commendable as far as I am concerned. Would you rather have money in the bank or be in debt ? Embrace his lifestyle, it sounds a lot healthier.

Tick

[redhed35]

I perfer to say I'm economic more then stingy!

I work hard for my money,and want value for it.

I would think like tink better to have money in the bank then blown away.

you could always both save for a special occasion,a holiday or weekend away.

sharing the load is all part and parcel of relationships.

its only a problem if it's a major concern for you.

if other wise he's a decent guy and you think you would like to pursue a relationship with him,at least you know his financial bounderies.

[gigily]

I am surprised by your both positive answers. I was just so concerned that may be he is cheap and I would have problem later if I get more involved with him and yes, that's the only thing I am concerned now, but I wonder why he doesn't have his own place in the age of 35 with this life style! Thanks a lot for the asweres.

[redhed35]

That's a good question.

Maybe there are reasons your not privy too yet,but the only way too find out is ask him.

He may have suffered financial hardships in the past or in his youth and is now determined not to put himself in that position.

Have your own income and stand independent of him,I'm sure you already are,but for the future also.

[gigily]

But anyhow is n't it a bad sign when a 35 years old man hasn't owe his own place yet? Or may be I am too much rigid, because I used to think about future and plan eveything.
Or lets say with the personality that I have can I be with someone who hasn't settled down his life is this age.
Thanks for the answeres.

[tickle]

I see someone taking care of their money well as a good thing. Many people nowadays going into their 40s don't want to tie themselves down with a mortgage, especially in the economy in the US. I mean look at all the houses and properties going into foreclosure. You don't retrieve your equity when you lose your house. I think he is commendable, although I don't know him, I know the principle probably of what he is accomplishing. We all need to plan for the future when we retire. Maybe he is making sure he is well situationed in his old age.

Tick

[SamBuzz]

Or maybe he is paying off big gambling debts, or a huge tax bill from a failed business, or maybe child support and alimony is taking a lot out of his check, and he just doesn't have a lot of extra cash right now...

You'll probably need to have a talk with him. Don't give in to the urge to snoop, even if you do notice his paystubs, or bank statement mail laying about...

However, having your own independent income is good too...

What percentage of your income do you save? Or do you know the locations of every Macy's in a three county area like my girlfriend (thankfully, she seems to have kicked the macy's habit... )?

It's good to make sure the money issue clicks between you two, that can be a big cause of marital distress, or even dating distress if you have big differences of opinions about what kind of furniture or cars to buy, or whether your money can be in separate accounts, or must all be in joint accounts.

But also consider its only been a couple of months together. Just go slow and enjoy the time, maybe he would go dutch with you on some more expensive parties?

[gigily]

Yes it is so true. I am a big spender and as a girl I always had my parent's support, AND YES I LOVE MACY and any women store like this:D but thanks a lot. I think I am the one that need to change or else I will be screwed up soon. I like to contunie this discussion when I get the reality behind my guess and your guesses. Thanks. It was very helpful.

[I wish]

The others have given you a more sympathetic point of view, I'm going with the harsher view to balance things out.

Who knows if he will change his habits in the future. It's anyone's guess, even his. The point is, he's stingy now. The question is, can you accept that? If you plan to change him, then you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. If you get too caught up with changing him, then you don't really like him. You actually wished that he was someone else. If he's not the man for you right now, then this relationship will end sooner or later.

[gigily]

@I wish: yes, you are right and that's why I am asking my question here, just to see if others find his attitute stingy as well. I guess I need more time to figure it out first how is he, second if I can accept him as he is. Then I can go a head with my relationship. But its great to have all these different point of views. I appreciate it a lot.

[tickle]

Well gigily you certainly have an inquiring mind. He would do well to have you around.

Tick

[Homegirl 50]

He is who he is. I presume he does not see himself as stingy.
Maybe he has debts he is paying down, maybe he is saving for a home.
If your spending style is so different from his, you two may not be a match.
His "stinginess" bothers you enough that you ask about it so it maybe something you can't get past.
Maybe he is not stingy at all, maybe he just spends his money on what is important to him.

[gigily]

Well, no I guess he admitted himself that he is stingy sometimes, that's what he told me before. Well I think now I just need to spend more time with him to see how we are.

@Tick thanks a lot, it's very kind of you giving this compliment to me from just my questions. I hope things goes well...

[talaniman]

I doubt you ever change him, and I doubt you know him that well after only a few months. That should be the fun part, getting to know each other.

Relax, and find your answers to your questions, from him. If you don't like where he takes you, or how, tell him.

You say he is 35, and lives at home? How old are you? Just curious, since I think you said your parents support you.

[gigily]

I am 27.

[Homegirl 50]

He is taking care of himself. Not spending more money than he has.
He has a job and is doing what he wants to do with his money. He may be stingy but he's paying the cost to be the boss.

[Alty]

I'm going to address this by telling you a story.

I have a friend, I've known her for around 5 years now. When we first met she and her boyfriend had been together for around 5 years, had a child together, but had yet to get married.

They had separate accounts, and paid for separate things in their home. They had a house, a mortgage, but they split everything down the middle. It had worked for them for the 5 years they had been together.

Then she got pregnant with their second child. When the child was born she wanted to stay home for the year that is allowed, collect her maternity leave (around 65% of her income) and be a mom for a while.

Well her maternity income didn't cover her half of things. She decided to get rid of a few of the things she had purchased with her money, her SUV ($35,000 loan, with monthly payments) her trailer ($29,000 loan, monthly payments) and buy a cheaper vehicle, one she could afford on her income.

He protested. He liked having the SUV and trailer. When she told him that he'd have to pay the payments until she went back to work, he told her it was her responsibility, but he didn't want her selling them. He makes 4 times more than she does.

I remember one day she called me, asked if we could get together. I said sure, come on over. Her response "I can't afford gas, and my bf won't give me any money for it, even to go buy groceries."

She went back to work when the baby was 4 months old because she couldn't afford not to, even though he was going out buying himself car parts, he races ($20,000 worth of car parts in 6 months) and a snowmobile, new bike, you name it. He was spending money left right and center and when she asked for $20 so she could buy diapers for their son, he said no, that's her responsibility.

She left. They separated for 1 month. She told him she was tired of it, he either changed his ways, pooled their money, married her, or she was leaving and that was it.

After 1 month they met up to talk. She wanted to discuss the sale of the house, child support, and going their separate ways. He wanted to discuss making it work.

They went to counseling, worked things out, and now he's a completely different man. They now have a joint bank account, all their money goes into one account and they pay the bills and spend the money as they see fit, no more asking for a handout. They got married and had another child, and they're doing great.

Moral of the story. Yes, he can change, and it may not take as much as it took for my friend, but, if he doesn't change, are you willing to go through hell and back?

Remember the old saying; A woman marries a man hoping she can change him. A man marries a woman hoping she will never change. :)

[Homegirl 50]

When you have been dating someone for two months and you're talking about him changing things about himself, that might be a clue you guys are not a match

[talaniman]

Why can't people just have fun during the early days of knowing each other, and if its no fun, date someone else? What's the big deal?