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motcr5 · Jul 23, 2010, 08:47 AM

Hi there,
Here comes my story...
Met a girl 8 years ago... I was 30, she was 21.
I fell in love, she was young, pretty and I loved being around her. I thought she did too, but then after some months of being together she cheated. She came back saying that it was a mistake, and that she loved me, and wanted me back... I gave her a chance and we got back together. Things went very well, until after about a year, when it happened again... Again, she cried and cried and cried for me to get back with her. I did again, because I love her. I swallowed my pride and gave her another chance. Well, now here's the part that will surprise everyone here. It's been 8 years, I'm 38 now, and she has cheated once a year since we started dating. Why the hell am I with her? Well, because I do feel I love her, and the times when she hasn't cheated have been great. And she has not been with the other people for more than weeks. I know because when we were fine, we saw each other almost every day. The cheating happened at specific times when we sort of drifted apart. Ok, so the last time it happened again I was really devastated. I said, "this is it", no more!. But now she has come back with a totally new argument for me, one that I never heard before. She says a friend came to her and talked to her about God. She went to a spiritual gathering, and she says she is a new person. She says that God has changed her, and that she has asked him for forgiveness for all the wrong things she did. She says that if we got back together, things would be so different because she wants to give love and please God. I still love her, and I was determined to leave her after the last incident. But now some people have told me that God is mighty and can really change a person. Could it be? Should I really give her another chance again? Have I not given here enough chances already? What I do know is that I feel like crap. I feel like all my hopes went down the drain... I feel that I'll never find love again. HELP!

tickle · Jul 23, 2010, 08:51 AM

Owing to the fact that, as you describe it, I would call her a serial cheater, how do think a long term monogamous (your side only) relationship will pan out ? This girl just loves being the centre of attention and she will always want that. I think she is putting you on with a story she thinks you will fall for. God works in mysterious ways, but I don't think this is one of them !

Tick

I wish · Jul 23, 2010, 09:13 AM

She's been doing the same thing for years. Cheat, then get back to you. Cheat, then get back to you. She never has to be scared to cheat on you because she know that you'll forgive her. She might not even feel guilty cheating. She only benefits from it. She has her fun while stringing you along. She doesn't lose anything from cheating.

You know why she can do it? Because you let her come back. Furthermore, every time you push her away, she will come up with something new.

She might use the "God" argument next year. What's she going to use next year? Are you really going to tell yourself that every year is the last year? And that she will be good from now on?

You've given her 8 years of chances, how many more years do you need to give her?

kctiger · Jul 23, 2010, 09:26 AM

She is spewing so much BS in the air it gives me a headache. God can't fix stupid, that is an inherent quality. You are 38 years old and the pattern tells you that this isn't going to change. If you were a betting man, would you take the chance again? Just looking at pure odds, no way I'd gamble my heart for two years, let alone 8. You really want to risk your heart again?

You reap what you sow. REMEMBER THAT!

motcr5 · Jul 23, 2010, 09:40 AM

Thanks for your replies... I sort of expected that everyone would tell me that I should not keep wasting my time. It's just that I wish so bad the GOD argument was true. I wish that maybe God did change her; I've seen drunk people change after finding God... So, a part of me says GET OUT NOW! And the other part of me says "one more chance and it's it.." I mean, what if I walk away and find out that she had changed, and that her next relationship was successful? I would feel miserable to have let it go...

kctiger · Jul 23, 2010, 09:47 AM

Originally Posted by motcr5

Thanks for your replies... I sort of expected that everyone would tell me that I should not keep wasting my time. It's just that I wish so bad the GOD argument was true. I wish that maybe God did change her; I've seen drunk people change after finding God... So, a part of me says GET OUT NOW! and the other part of me says "one more chance and it's it.." I mean, what if I walk away and find out that she had changed, and that her next relationship was succesful? I would feel miserable to have let it go...

You should feel miserable enough that you wasted 8 years of your life on her that walking away now is your ONLY option. I can't imagine how in the world you can repair yourself mentally after being cheated on at least 8 times. You need to do this for your own sanity!

I find it interesting that God just happened to find her after 8 years of absolute garbage, God has been around this entire time. She should take the responsibility herself to change and to admit her faults. It almost seems like she doesn't even acknowledge that she is screwed up here!

motcr5 · Jul 23, 2010, 09:58 AM

To kctiger,
Well actually she has admitted her faults this time. She wrote me a letter saying how she regrets having treated me so bad over the years, and that she knows that everything that went bad in our relationship was her fault. She also said in her letter that she would agree to couple counseling, and that she was willing to do whatever it took to make me feel better and to give me love to heal my wounds.

I know that to all of you reading it may seem so clear, but for me hearing that from her just confuses the hell out of me. IT'S SO HARD to let go when you have survived for 8 years!

kctiger · Jul 23, 2010, 10:02 AM

Originally Posted by motcr5

IT'S SO HARD to let go when you have survived for 8 years!!

I think this sums it up very well. You shouldn't have to "survive" in a relationship. You should be living, enjoying, thriving, but not surviving, as if it was some sort of war or hardship you endured.

You have spent 8 years just "surviving"!

motcr5 · Jul 23, 2010, 10:10 AM

To kctiger,

Yeah, I know... But sadly one gets used to things, and to me what I had with her was happiness. It may sound pathetic, but I was happier with her than now, when I feel SO DAMN ALONE. To make things worse, when I think of my age now, society expects you to be married, have kids, bla bla... And now I have to start from scratch?? It's hard to face that... It's hard to face the fact that she may have never loved me and it sucks that my heart now wants her back so bad because at least I would have someone with me. My brain knows what to do, but the road ahead seems unbearable...

Kitkat22 · Jul 23, 2010, 10:19 AM

She won't change. Once you are right where she wants you, she'll do it again.
If God has changed her and he's the only one who can, see what kind of changes she has made.

motcr5 · Jul 23, 2010, 10:24 AM

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

You deserve better.

Thanks, but if I'm doing the right thing by leaving her, why do I feel like I'll never fall in love again?

Kitkat22 · Jul 23, 2010, 10:31 AM

Originally Posted by motcr5

Thanks, but if I'm doing the right thing by leaving her, why do I feel like I'll never fall in love again?

Because she is all you have put your dreams and hopes in for eight years. Letting go is hard, even when you've been hurt so badly. I think beginning a new life and the unfamiliar are also part of it.

You will love again, but you have to truly let go of her first. No Contact.
It will get better... Blessings:)

lifeistough75 · Jul 23, 2010, 10:46 AM

At this point, she is not the problem. If I were you, I would be looking deep, very deep in myself. I can see the final nail of total and complete "jadedness" being hammered. This time by God of course.

Kitkat22 · Jul 23, 2010, 10:56 AM

Originally Posted by lifeistough75

At this point, she is not the problem. If I were you, I would be looking deep, very deep in myself. I can see the final nail of total and complete "jadedness" being hammered. This time by God of course.

As I said God is the only one who can change people. God doesn't hammer anything into anyone. Go on with your life and let her go on with hers. You'll find your way to the person who is meant for you.

People sometimes use God as an excuse for getting what they want.
If she has been truly changed then she'll leave you alone and let you have peace in your life. I truly hope God has changed her. But even so could you ever forget?

Imabadman · Jul 23, 2010, 11:23 AM

Benjamin Franklin wrote, “God helps those who help themselves.” God doesn't change people. People change themselves. If they want to give God credit, so be it.

Quite frankly I seriously doubt her motives. You've already ingrained in her that cheating on you carries no sustainable penalty. She cheats, says sorry, you forgive. Repeat.

While not knowing her personally… I'd wager she'll do it again. You know Motcr5 you make a statement, “I mean, what if I walk away and find out that she had changed, and that her next relationship was successful?” Quite frankly I'm thinking her next relationship will be successful. Why? Because no man would ever put up with that kind of behavior and his actions and demeanor would make that apparent to her. Somehow she's pegged you for a pushover. You placed her on a pedestal thinking she'd bask in your love and devotion instead she lost respect for you, she walks all over you, and she's still looking for a real man.

Sorry bud. It hurts, but walk away. Good luck.

I wish · Jul 23, 2010, 12:00 PM

Check out the no contact related threads in my signature.

8 years is a very long time. You can't expect to cut your ties overnight and expect to be completely healed. That would mean that you didn't really care about her in the first place.

You haven't even begun healing. The pain can get worse as time goes on, but once it reaches its highest point, it will get easier from there.

As for giving her another chance. You've given her 8 years of chances. I'm surprised you even took her back after the first time she cheated. She may be putting in some effort to win you back this time. So let's say you take her back. She's virtually invisible when it comes to cheating. She can cheat all she wants because she knows what it takes to win you back anyway.

I won't lie, it's not going to be an easy journey in your recovery process. It's going to have its challenges and you're going to be tempted to get back with her, especially if she's persistent.

It's all about will power at this point.

Kitkat22 · Jul 23, 2010, 12:01 PM

God does change people. He comes into their heart and if they are truly saved they change.

Yes God does help those who help themselves. It's not for anyone to say whether God has come into her heart or not.

She knows if he has and God knows. To the op I still say you need to start over with someone else when the time is right. Good Luck.

positiveparent · Jul 23, 2010, 12:29 PM

What kind of woman cheats on her partner on a yearly basis, One with no respect for you, her or the relationship, of course she's saying that she's changed and she's seen the light, however after all these years, how can you even consider letting her back into your life, again, perhaps you could tell her come back in a year from now if you're still into God and have seriously changed, Ill have seen the proof of this by then.

Its entirely up to you, but it's a huge risk you take, she's said sorry more times that she's changed her undies so far. How on earth can you take her back with her history.

There's a true saying,

Once a mistake maybe, twice is blatant baby.

Im sorry but I would think as soon as she's back in your favour and her feet are back under the table she may be good for 6/9 months or even more, but in time, she`ll go back to type.

You have to make a choice and that is do you let her back into your life and have to spend the rest of it worrying, is she going to do the same again, and one day you come home and she's upped and gone. Or do you say enough is enough and let her go her way you go yours.

She hasn't given you one ounce of respect or consideration for 8 years, what makes you think she's going to become wife or g/f of the year now, plus how do you know its only been once a year, those could just be the times she's told you about, plus have you had a check for STDs or AIDS, she may have given you a gift you don't want.

Its your choice, but I would ask do you really consider yourself doormat material or are you a decent human being...

She's what we over here would call a Happy Slapper, slapping it here or there without consideration or care, a thoughtless selfish knickerless trollope. JMO

motcr5 · Jul 23, 2010, 12:33 PM

Wow, thanks for all the replies. When I sat this morning to write my question, I was feeling as bad as you can imagine; totally empty inside, without any hope. Reading all the replies at least has made me realize that there are people out there who care; and somewhere I may find someone to love again. But I can't deny it; she's still holding my heart in her hands, and it will take all my strength to decide to walk away. I just hope down the line I can look back and see that I made the right decision. Pretty much ALL of your replies are pointing in the same direction. Like Kitkat22 said, maybe God did touch her, and if so, she should let me go and heal... But I'm telling you, all my crying hasn't helped a bit yet... How long will it take for me to want to get up in the morning?

positiveparent · Jul 23, 2010, 12:47 PM

Hi motcr5
Im not going to tell you the pain is going to go away over night it won't, but if you now go No Contact and stick with that, rules and more details on forum opening page in stickies.

You'll in time find it does get easier, and you will heal and in the fullness of time you'll regain yourself respect and dignity, and move on from this. You'll find by going NC it will get easier day by day one step at a time, you feel awful now, and that's understandable, but it should be her that's feeling like sh*t not you.

Plus by going NC you'll also learn to get along without her, she wasn't doing you any good, in anyway whatsoever, she treated you worse than Id treat an enemy, although Id still, respect an enemy and treat them with some level of respect, I do know how it hurts for you, its like hell on earth, but it does pass it does get easier, and you will in time go on and want to love again, and the right one for you is still out there, and that person will love you and respect you honour you and be true to you.

Were always here for you too, you can come here and vent get it off your chest, and know you'll have a support team, of sorts here for you if you need us.

Good Luck and I am going to say a prayer or two for you. And you will heal you really will...