[alexpie]

You are very welcome. Let us know how it turns out.:)

Will do :) I'll try the best that I can to get it through her :) thanks for all the support

[Deathlywhiterose]

I truly wish you the best. Good luck.

[cdad]

Im the type of person that respects adults. Even when they are wrong and embarrass me in front of everyone, ill just stand there taking the hit.

What can i do to stand up for myself without getting all wound up and start a fight??
btw im only 18. I want to learn so that in the future i wont be pushed around.

One of the secrets in life and being a sucsess at it is to know when to pick your battles and how to win the war. Sometimes when things hit the fan you have to stand there. (I know eewww). But here is the key. Believe in yourself and believe in the truth. Some are won by fighting back and some are won by killing off with kindness. Again its in choosing your battles and how to wage them is the key to it all. Just be true to yourself. You will know and judge as you have already done. Sometimes you have to pave the way for others and some you just have to bulldoze over. You will find that when holding your voice it sometimes is the loudest scream. Silence can be a good weapon. Pick your times. If you face someone who is grumpy in the morning then don't go into conflict in the morning. Sometimes you don't always want to express your feelings as others are looking for just that. If someone can't figure out your hot buttons then you have won. Always keep a cool head. And remind yourself that you are the only person you have to live with for the rest of your life. So its your choice how when and where. When you mentioned before that you were being yelled at in the car while driving that not only is unacceptable but extremely dangerous to everyone near. Many persons choose times just like that because they believe they have control making you powerless. Just keep in mind that you know better then that. And you know the truth. Choose wisely.

[Jake2008]

It would be nice if everybody got along wouldn't it?

I think you enjoy some part of this, perhaps in a jealous or revengeful way, as you indicated that he pays more attention to you, than he does to her. And he slides you money behind her back, etc. I would bet she knows exactly what's going on, I know I would with my husband.

You seem to think that your place should be above her place in the pecking order.

I disagree.

This is her house, you are only there temporarily if I read you right- and going back to the dorm. As you said, you chose to stay with your father, and his wife, to be closer to your boyfriend.

Knowing how the two of you clash- probably in the same way misunderstandings occur with your father due to the language barrier- then I have to ask you, why do you stay. Why complain, why not move back with your mother. Or make other arrangements until school starts again.

You are an adult, and an extra person, in her home. If you don't like it there- move.

[alexpie]

It would be nice if everybody got along wouldn't it?

I think you enjoy some part of this, perhaps in a jealous or revengeful way, as you indicated that he pays more attention to you, than he does to her. And he slides you money behind her back, etc. I would bet she knows exactly what's going on, I know I would with my husband.

You seem to think that your place should be above her place in the pecking order.

I disagree.

This is her house, you are only there temporarily if I read you right- and going back to the dorm. As you said, you chose to stay with your father, and his wife, to be closer to your boyfriend.

Knowing how the two of you clash- probably in the same way misunderstandings occur with your father due to the language barrier- then I have to ask you, why do you stay. Why complain, why not move back with your mother. Or make other arrangements until school starts again.

You are an adult, and an extra person, in her home. If you don't like it there- move.

Im not the revenge type of person. I dislike fighting. The reason why he pays more attention to me is because I respect him. We hardly argue or fight. We are always on the same page, if we're not, we resolve it in a proper manner, not by screaming or yelling, which my step mom does.
Yes he gives me money. But you see I'm a college student. I live on my own during school time. I do have a job, but since my father has money, he wants me to save mine and buy something useful, such as a car ( which I'm trying to find one right now).And its not like he's giving me thousands of dollars, maybe 20 or 40 a week for basic needs.

NO I do not think I want to be above her place. My role is being a daughter, not wife. All I am asking for is respect. I have been nice since I've got there, like I said, wash the dishes without being told, planting a garden for her, cleaning up her daughters mess ( which I shouldn't because she's at the house all day ), doing their laundry. I do these things because its nice to walk in to a clean house. Ever since I've been there, its been clean and fresh because of me. When I'm not, it's a pigs house, mostly because of her daughter. She's there all day and leave a trail of mess every where she goes.

It would have been nice to stay with my mom but her new job won't allow her to spend time with me. I don't want to be bored for the whole summer while my mom is at work. That's unfair for me. I chose to stay with my father because I have more to do here and I have a job. I also don't want to be moving back and forth from one town to the next.

[Jake2008]

From your original post:


There has always been a sort of friction between me and the steps... ( I wonder why)

They way I found out was I came across a file, on the family computer (Snooping are we?)

My step mom in the other hand, is jealous because my dad pays more attention to me, not her... (judgmental?)

... he gives me money on the side without telling her! (... )

How can I deal with someone like this! (Seems like you are the catalyst for everything you say she is doing wrong.

... of course he's going to love me the most because I am his creation... (Even parents have limits- especially when they marry. Btw, it is a different kind of love) It's not a contest.

All I am saying here is that you have to take responsibility for yourself. Just like we all do. Your step mother is your step mother- not your enemy, not your competition. You are in no position to judge her.

You are in HER home, like it or not. You are an adult, living in your father and his wife's home. Not your home, their home.

I am not judging you as a bad person or daughter or friend or sibling. That is not MY place. What I'm saying is my response to your original post left me thinking that this is all about you, and perhaps if you took a look at what role you play in their lives, you might see some ways to improve your attitude, thus improving your relationship with your step mother.

I do hope you can find peace, and just accept her for who she is. Nobody is perfect, and there are no step parent/step daughter handbooks that I am aware of.

I still suggest that if it is impossible for you, to get along with her, then perhaps you should make alternate arrangements. I doubt the respect you demand from her, will result in anything positive, for either of you.

Of course, this is just my opinion here, and you could carry on exactly as you have, and nothing will change. Up to you.

[alexpie]

From your original post:


There has always been a sort of friction between me and the steps...( I wonder why)

They way i found out was i came across a file, on the family computer (Snooping are we?)

My step mom in the other hand, is jealous because my dad pays more attention to me, not her...(judgmental?)

...he gives me money on the side without telling her! (...)

How can i deal with someone like this! (Seems like you are the catalyst for everything you say she is doing wrong.

.... of course hes gonna love me the most because i am his creation......(Even parents have limits- especially when they marry. Btw, it is a different kind of love) It's not a contest.

All I am saying here is that you have to take responsibility for yourself. Just like we all do. Your step mother is your step mother- not your enemy, not your competition. You are in no position to judge her.

You are in HER home, like it or not. You are an adult, living in your father and his wife's home. Not your home, their home.

I am not judging you as a bad person or daughter or friend or sibling. That is not MY place. What I'm saying is my response to your original post left me thinking that this is all about you, and perhaps if you took a look at what role you play in their lives, you might see some ways to improve your attitude, thus improving your relationship with your step mother.

I do hope you can find peace, and just accept her for who she is. Nobody is perfect, and there are no step parent/step daughter handbooks that I am aware of.

I still suggest that if it is impossible for you, to get along with her, then perhaps you should make alternate arrangements. I doubt the respect you demand from her, will result in anything positive, for either of you.

Of course, this is just my opinion here, and you could carry on exactly as you have, and nothing will change. Up to you.

Definition of snooping : To pry into the private affairs of others.
The Family computer isn't private. Its welcomed to the whole family, not only to one specific person. If a file is wished to be private, then that person should have been smart enough to use their own computer, not the families.

My step mom is jealous. Maybe she's jealous that I give more affection to my own mother and father. She has her daughter to receive that affection; maybe its not as strong as mine towards my partents. That reason may be because she left her daughter at her mothers house for about 12 years, with no contact.( not judging, just the truth) She's insecure about herself. I don't know why or what she's insecure about, but my father mentions it to me many times. Im not being judgmental, just honest.

I don't want my step mom to be my enemy or create a competition. I know I'm in no position to judge her, but she has is in no position to let her anger out on me. This article isn't about what am I. Its about how can I talk to her; what she did in the car wasn't polite to me or in front of our guest. Maybe respect is the wrong word, but all I want is acceptance. Make me feel like family, not another human.Maybe get a Thank you. She complains that the house is dirty and she doesn't have time. A Thank You would be a nice way to award me, hence acceptance. The house isn't just hers, its my fathers too. Just because there is a conflict, doesn't mean my only way to resolve the conflict is to move out. A problem you ignore is still a problem. Moving out would be like running away from the problem.
Moving out of the house shouldn't be an option for a daughter. Dealing with the problem is more appropriate. I will always have to face this if I do not resolve it because my father is in this house. If I leave the problem unresolved by just moving out, what would it solve? Nothing, that would be me just ignoring it for a while, it wouldn't disappear. The only reason why I am moving out is because I have no car to drive to school. It will be more efficient for me living on the campus.

Q: would you tell your own son/daughter to move out of the house if there's conflict with you or with a step parent?

If my attitude was negative, then I simply wouldn't care about her or anyone else. Since I'm here on this website, eager to learn, I want to make a change, not just in her, but myself. This is showing that I care, and I'm willing to make changes!

[Kitkat22]

Definition of snooping : To pry into the private affairs of others.
the Family computer isnt private. Its welcomed to the whole family, not only to one specific person. If a file is wished to be private, then that person should have been smart enough to use their own computer, not the families.

My step mom is jealous. Maybe shes jealous that i give more affection to my own mother and father. She has her daughter to recieve that affection; maybe its not as strong as mine towards my partents. That reason may be because she left her daughter at her mothers house for about 12 years, with no contact.( not judging, just the truth) Shes insecure about herself. I dont know why or what shes insecure about, but my father mentions it to me many times. Im not being judgmental, just honest.

I dont want my step mom to be my enemy or create a competition. I know i'm in no position to judge her, but she has is in no position to let her anger out on me. This article isnt about what am i. Its about how can i talk to her; what she did in the car wasnt polite to me or in front of our guest. Maybe respect is the wrong word, but all i want is acceptance. Make me feel like family, not another human.Maybe get a Thank you. She complains that the house is dirty and she doesnt have time. A Thank You would be a nice way to award me, hence acceptance. The house isnt just hers, its my fathers too. Just because there is a conflict, doesnt mean my only way to resolve the conflict is to move out. A problem you ignore is still a problem. Moving out would be like running away from the problem.
Moving out of the house shouldnt be an option for a daughter. Dealing with the problem is more appropriate. i will always have to face this if i do not resolve it because my father is in this house. if i leave the problem unresolved by just moving out, what would it solve? nothing, that would be me just ignoring it for a while, it wouldnt disappear. The only reason why i am moving out is because i have no car to drive to school. It will be more efficient for me living on the campus.

Q: would you tell your own son/daughter to move out of the house if theres conflict with you or with a step parent?

If my attitude was negative, then i simply wouldn't care about her or anyone else. Since im here on this website, eager to learn, I want to make a change, not just in her, but myself. This is showing that i care, and im willing to make changes!

I think you have a reason to be upset. Look when you are in school you won't have to see her. No, I would never tell one of my children to leave.
A parents love for their child is beyond anything. I love my step children they are part of my heart and have been since the day I married their dad.Many moons ago. He accepted my child and we had one of our own.

If my husband had been mean to my daughter I would have left in a New York Minute. I think you are a nice girl so hang on and you'll soon be in school.. . Kit

[alexpie]

I think you have a reason to be upset. Look when you are in school you won't have to see her. No, I would never tell one of my children to leave.
A parents love for their child is beyond anything. I love my step children they are part of my heart and have been since the day I married their dad.Many moons ago. He accepted my child and we had one of our own.

If my husband had been mean to my daughter I would have left in a New York Minute. I think you are a nice girl so hang on and you'll soon be in school. .....Kit

Thank you for your kind words and understanding my situation... means a lot to me :) <3

[Kitkat22]

Thank you for your kind words and understanding my situation... means a lot to me :) <3

You're welcome and you are in my prayers.:)