[Julie7435]

My husband was in love with a girl during his college. They could not marry. Now she met him again after 15 yrs. He wants to help her as a friend. He does not want my life to be effected.

[tickle]

Well that's bloody decent of him (tongue in cheek!). He wants to carry on and doesn't want it to effect you. So what happens when this friendly gesture turns into more then a friendly gesture?

And what was your reaction to this ? I hope it was something like 'get your damn to the curb!'. Sometimes men really make me sick to think we are that naïve.

When it gets right down to basics, Julie, I sincerely hope you are not going to let him get away with this. Please tells us how you intend to handle it.

Ms tickle

[Julie7435]

I love him. We talked about it. He does not have any future plans

[tickle]

That you love him is all well and good, Julie and its good that you talked but the fact remains there is going to be another woman in your life with the man you love. Of course he doesn't have any future plans; will this relationship with his ex be purely platonic? Is he going to remain monogamous or what?

Originally you didn't ask a question, just made a statement. What is the purpose of your post then if you are not looking for advice on how to deal with this situation?

Tick

[Julie7435]

That's true there is going to be another woman. Yah he told me that it is going to be platonic and he loves me and can't think of leaving me. My problem I can't leave him and I want him. How I don't know. He says she is in problems and need help.

[ISneezeFunny]

Question is, do you trust your husband? I'm more on the happy-go-lucky side... possibly because I had my morning coffee. I can't see why he can't help a friend. I have multiple exes (granted, I'm not married) who I stay in touch with, and if one of them needed help with something (again, depending on what it is), and my girlfriend were OK with it, I don't see what the big deal is.

Again, it really depends on the type of "help" she needs... will he need to go out of town and does he need to go entirely out of his way?

[Cat1864]

The title of your 'question' has me concerned:

my husband wants to help his ex as friend but he wants to stay with me as friend.

What exactly has he said about staying in the marriage? Does he see you as man and wife or does he see you as a companion he is married to?

How did they meet up again after all this time?

Are there any children involved?

[Julie7435]

He wants everything to be normal as it was earlier. But he is maintaining distance from me. If I touch him he says he feels guilty that I am in this state because of him. He never wanted to hurt me. He does not wants to go to her just help her as a friend. She has family problem. I met her. They never touched each other. But the feelings for each other were there. They could not marry because of some problem.
He came to know from friends that she is in the same city. He shares everything with me.

[jmjoseph]

I'm faithful to my wife mainly because I won't allow myself be put in the position of trying to trust my inner angel.

Most people have an angel and a devil on their shoulders. I have two little horny little devils that would tempt me into sin while "helping" someone who I have had prior sexual relations with. It's too "familiar". It happens ALL the time. I just wouldn't chance it.

How is he acting about this? Is he making you accept this "helping gesture"?

What kind of help does she need? And why can't you be involved?

It might be nothing at all to him. It might be EVERYTHING to her.

It's simply not worth him putting you through hell for someone who pops up after 15 years. Has she no one else?

Sorry for your trouble.

[ISneezeFunny]

he wants everything to be normal as it was earlier. but he is maintaining distance from me. if i touch him he says he feels guilty that i am in this state because of him. he never wanted to hurt me. he does not wants to go to her just help her as a friend. she has family problem. i met her. they never touched each other. but the feelings for each other were there. they could not marry because of some problem.
he came to know from friends that she is in the same city. he shares everything with me.

There seems to be a lot more to this story. What do you mean that he is maintaining distance from you? What "state" are you in because of him?

[Julie7435]

He wants me to accept that I should accept that he will help her. I told him fine. She has some problems with her husband and I think she does not have anybody to talk. Do not know much about her problems. I agree with you joseph.
I am upset. That he is going away from me. I also can't understand why. When he says there is nothing physical with her. But the feelings are there. He is not letting me touch him.

[jmjoseph]

he wants me to accept that i should accept that he will help her. i told him fine. she has some problems with her husband and i think she does not have anybody to talk. do not know much abt her problems. i agree with u joseph.
i am upset. that he is going away from me. i also can't understand why. when he says there is nothing physical with her. but the feelings are there. he is not letting me touch him.

I'm really not sure how he is "going away" from you. And this woman is married, and having problems?

By him shunning your affection shows that he is in some sort of struggle emotionally.

She needs help. She is having problems with her marriage. That is precisely the time that people recall past relationships, and wonder how to rekindle them. It sounds like she is trying to lure your husband in with "the lady in distress" bit.

There is more to this situation. And from down here, it doesn't look admirable.

If he is leaving to help this woman, for an extended period, without you, then he needs to reminded of who he confessed his love and commitment to.

I have no idea what kind of man that he is, or isn't, capable of being. But ANY man would be tempted by this arrangement.

Ask him if it's worth losing your love and trust over. Make him really consider the consequences of his actions.

There is no way that I would put myself in that position.

And most importantly, there is no way that I would ask my wife to be put through hell, all for the sake of "helping" an ex girlfriend. No way.

Love is more than that.

[Julie7435]

He is recalling his past. And he told me she doesnot want to come in our life. She wants everything fine with her husband.

[Cat1864]

he is recalling his past. and he told me she doesnot want to come in our life. she wants everything fine with her husband.

If he is emotionally involved in her life whether she returns those feelings or not, he is extremely close to crossing a boundary line set by marriage vows.

He appears to have made up his mind without consulting you and that is a danger signal in itself. If he had come to you and said, I need your help with helping an old friend that would be one thing. However, he seems to be intent on doing it himself.

I do not know what type of 'help' he thinks he can give her which wouldn't endanger her marriage. I feel certain her husband wouldn't like the idea of his wife being 'consoled' by her ex. Your husband could even be part of their problems if she hasn't let go of the past and the relationships left behind.

You both need to sit down and discuss the matter like partners. He needs to be honest with himself and you. Marriage counseling may be a safe place for both of you to explain how you feel without feeling shut out or dismissed by the other person.

Are there any children involved?

[Kitkat22]

Don't believe her or him.

She's having marriage problems.

He wants to be her "friend" and help her through it.

You are fooling yourself if you think this is going to turn out
As just two old friends getting together.

Where is her husband?

You need to take a stand and find out where your marriage is going.

Ask him straight out.

[Julie7435]

Thanks everybody. I need to talk to my husband again. He is traveling. If need more help will get back to you guys after weekend. Thanks again.

[Kitkat22]

Thanks everybody. i need to talk to my husband again. he is traveling. if need more help will get back to you guys after weekend. thanks again.

Good Luck!:)

[Cat1864]

Thanks everybody. i need to talk to my husband again. he is traveling. if need more help will get back to you guys after weekend. thanks again.

Good luck and we will be here. :)