[Dove22]

My partner died almost six weeks ago,we were together fourteen years and although he had some alcohol problems the last couple of years and suffered from depression his death was sudden and unexpected. I found him dead in bed and keep asking myself if I had been in his room earlier maybe I could have done something or realised that something was wrong and phoned a medic or an ambulance.

I have these waves of emotion as I'm sure all people do in my position,one moment I am accepting of the situation and the next I can't stop feeling desperate and just want to be with him. I know that I won't do anything silly myself as it's not my style but that does not stop me feeling as I do.

Friends and family have been wonderful, but I miss him so much and feel so alone at times and can't see the point in going on without him, he was so kind and generous in every way and the thought of not being together and doing all the things we used to do together is unbearable.

[Alty]

Losing someone you love is never easy, and getting on with your life is hard.

I promise you that it will get better, your healing will continue and one day you will feel strong enough to once again face the future.

I can also promise you that you will never forget him, you will always love him, remember him, and think of him. The difference is, in the future, instead of crying when you think of him, you'll smile at the memories you had, the moments you shared and you'll stop thinking "what if".

I'm so sorry for your loss. There is not quick fix, I wish there were.

Talking to a counselor sometimes helps, it did for me when I lost my parents.

Family and friends can be a great support, so use that support, let them give it, accept it.

If you want to vent, feel free, type it all out, let it all out. No one on this site will judge, most of us have also lost someone we love, so we understand.

[Kitkat22]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is a terrible time for you. I don't think there is anything anyone can say to comfort you but we will try.

I think everything happens for a reason. Your being there would
Not have changed the outcome.
Don't carry that on your shoulders,you have enough grief and sorrow already.

The memories ,good and bad are all part of him and they will be with you forever, Remember this; all the time you spent together.

He will always be in your heart and you stop feel guilty. There was nothing you could have done...

[Fr_Chuck]

It is not easy esp after a long time, and when it is unexpected, it is even harder. Time does help. If you are having serious issues it never hurts to see a counselor

[Dove22]

Thanks both so much for your quick replies,it's so good to know that others understand,it has helped I assure you,thanks again.

[Dove22]

Another post since I thanked the last two.thank you too FR.

[Dove22]

The days are slowly getting better,then I get times of utter despair, then realisation that I have to get on with life and that I won't ever see him again.

Why is life so cruel,all the good people seem to be taken from us and the murderers and bad people just go on and on

[Wondergirl]

Do concrete things in memory of him. Write down happy or silly or even angry thoughts in a notebook. That will be your special notebook about him. Plant a tree or a pretty bush in his honor, either in a place where you can see it every day or at a place that he would have liked, say on library or park property (get permission for this, of course). Talk with the American Cancer Society or the American Heart Association or an autism group or even your local hospital for ideas on how to help others in his name. For instance, that might be magazines subscriptions for the radiation waiting room (at my hospital, all that was available were medical brochures, so I brought in my slightly used copies) or new toys for the children's wing. You could start a foundation for supplying toys and games to the hospital, for instance.

In this way, you know that you and he are helping the living, and that his name is connected with goodness and healing.

[Kitkat22]

The days are slowly getting better,then I get times of utter despair, then realisation that I have to get on with life and that I won't ever see him again.

Why is life so cruel,all the good people seem to be taken from us and the murderers and bad people just go on and on

I can't answer that question, because I don't know. If you believe in God you can find comfort in prayer. I have found with the losses in my life he carried me through all of them. This is my belief and I know a lot of people don't believe the same way I do... but I love them and they are dear to me. It will get better and you learn to live with it.

I have said this many times on this forum, there is no such thing as closure and I hate that word. There is a thing called acceptance. When you accept the fact he is gone , you will slowly start to heal. You will never get over it but you learn to live with it and the hurt is finally bearable and then you are able to think of him and smile and remember the good times without crying.

There will even come a time you maybe can go a day or a couple of days without thinking of him. Eventually he is a beautiful and bright memory in your heart and you start to live again. Bless you

[BigS]

Sorry about your loss. Unfortunately there are no concrete set of rules since we are all different and react differently. You will, however go through your own stages and as for how long it will take... I can't answer that. You are going through the mourning and guilt stage. I would talk to my pastor and family. Remember no one knows exactly how you feel; even if they too lost a loved one. Try keeping a journal. Cry when you think of him being gone, laugh at how silly he was and all he did that made you laugh; smile when you do something you know he couldn't stand; appreciate the short but wonderful time you spent together. Get a journal and try writing your thoughts down daily. If you are curious as to how long you will feel sad... it can't be answered. You must, stay healthy, do something you enjoy, stay busy, cry a little more and laugh even more. Most of all remember all those mixed up feelings are normal. You do have 14 years of memories and I am sure you wouldn’t change those times together. Keep a few items of his in a special spot as shrine (memorial). If at some point you feel totally helpless... see a grief counselor. Good luck to you.

[Hexxie]

Dear Dove,

My condolences for your loss. The heart takes time to heal, do not rush it and allow the process to take place.

You might want to look into a support group of people who have lost a spouse. I have a friend who lost her husband unexpectedly. And although we tried to comfort her, we could only reach her so far, even those of us who had lost a loved one. For her, it just wasn't the same. She found such a support group and was able to share and heal with them on a level we were not able to understand.

You will find much love and support here. I wish you peace. Namaste.

[Kitkat22]

Do a lot of talking with the Lord. Talk to him just as you would a good friend, because he is the best friend you'll ever want to have.

He can heal the hurt and dry the tears... Kit

[JudyKayTee]

I'm sorry I just came upon this. I lost my husband. Grief and the grieving process are different for everyone. There is no right way, no wrong way, no time line.

Like you, I had days when I simply didn't know how I was going to go on. There were days when I didn't want to go on. I would be fine for a week and then suddenly I would be in the shower, pounding on the walls and sobbing.

I didn't believe time would make things easier and I bit the head off anyone who suggested that it would - but time does make a difference. I also found the most offensive thing anyone could do was tell me what (they thought) my husband would want me to do. Offensive and how could they presume to know.

I think you have to find what helps you through this time - prayer, counselling, talking about him, not talking about, whatever helps YOU heal. It's different for everyone.

I'm so sorry for your loss - until you've lost a partner you really have no idea how desolate and unfair life can be.

Hang in there - it will get better. It's never the same but the rawness fades.

[blackadder1st]

Hi Dove22

This is scarily similar to what happened to me and my partner. We'd been together for 13 years and I had spoken to him at 11.30, 8 weeks ago, which is when I should have guessed something was wrong. I went back through about 2.30 to see if wanted something to eat, but there was no movement and I pulled the duvet back and he was blue down the right side of his face and body. I tried CPR but to no avail. He'd just been diagnosed with prostate cancer and we were waiting for the results and he was trying to sleep the days away so that it would come quicker. Just like you, I have good days/times when I can get on with things, then the sledgehammer of reality hits me. I won't deny that I have suicidal thoughts to be with him, then the logical part of me kicks in and stops me. I've been told the old clichés that time is a great healer, it'll get easier over time, talk to someone for help. I know that talking to someone isn't going to help cause I'll just tell them what they want to hear then go back home to my normal thoughts. Life does unfortunately have this terrible ending to it and it isn't fair that the good ones die young/first.

I really hope that time is a healer for you, me and anyone who has to go through this. Sending you huge hugs xxx