[huno]

Hey everyone, seems like every time I ask a question here I get awesome advice, so here it goes again:

I recently started seeing someone I met online; we sent messages back and forth for a couple of weeks and met up in person a month ago and things seemed to go well. We've met up twice more and each time the conversation is really good, I make her laugh a lot and she seems to like my charms (I follow the teachings of our greatest modern-day sage, Homer: "When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always wanting more ... more... MORE!").

Anyway I feel like she always has fun; she's always on time for our dates and has looked pretty damn amazing each time (i.e. I'm not getting the "couldn't be bothered to do my laundry so I picked the least-wrinkled dress from the hamper" treatment). Date #4 is happening Wednesday; she's driving out about 50 miles to see me in my side of town (I had gone out to see her last time, and the previous two times we met in the middle).

So what's the problem, you ask? (And if you didn't ask, you haven't been paying attention... take your Adderall and read it again!)

Well, sometimes I wonder exactly what she's thinking. Sometimes I will randomly text her during the day and she doesn't always respond; or if she does, she does so hours later. Last time I saw her, I jokingly asked about that; she says she doesn't really carry her cell phone around with her and says she has a love/hate relationship with her phone. Sounds kind of odd to me, especially since most people practically have theirs grafted onto their palms so they can text constantly. She also never calls or texts me; the last few girls I dated called me or texted almost every day, even in the very beginning...

One other thing that's bugging me: the last time I texted her, I also asked if she was free this Saturday; she kind of dodged the question a bit ("What if everything goes wrong Wednesday and you never want to see me again?") before saying we could talk about it Wednesday. I kind of think if she were interested, she would have at least been excited about the idea... or even committed to Saturday.

So yeah... I need you cool kids' advice... any and all thoughts, comments and concerns are welcome, but I guess I want to know:

1) Are my concerns about her behavior with her phone legitimate? Or am I reading too much into things?
2) Should the fact that she never calls me be a concern?
3) Any other Simpsons quotes I can follow that'll give me an edge?
4) If I am being way too analytical about this, please tell me how I can stop being this way... I don't know much about girls but I do know neediness, desperation and sweaty armpits are instant girl-repellant.

Again, any general observations are totally welcome… thanks!

--huno

[QLP]

Firstly the phone. Not everyone is permanently attached to their phone. I'm certainly not and regularly miss texts, replying to them when I do eventually spot them. To someone like me, if the same person sent me several texts in a row because I hadn't yet got around to replying to the first I would think, 'where's the fire? ' I mean if it was a genuine emergency I would assume someone trying to get hold of me would ring that phone until I heard it, but otherwise I would expect them to wait until I found their text and replied. If someone kept on texting just because I hadn't seen their text yet I would feel a bit bombarded. That to me is the real crux here.

You are storming in, looking for reassurance that this relationship is on track, when you have barely given it time to get started. I'm not surprised this girl is backing off a little. She probably just wants time to see how things go.

Try to relax and just let things develop naturally. Spend time getting to know this girl instead of wanting her to behave the same way another girl might. Think of it this way, the fact that she is taking her time and not gushing all over you from the beginning suggests she respects her own boundaries and has good self-esteem. If she was all over you like a rash from the moment you met the chances are she would be the same with any new guy. If she moves closer to you in time then that would show it is you she wants to spend time with, not just the idea of a relationship.

Give her some time and space to breathe. Take it one conversation and one date at a time. In the meantime enjoy other things in your life so that when you do get together you have plenty to talk about. Her refusing to commit to dates in advance shows she is doing just this and is basically saying, 'don't rush me let's see how it goes.' I think she is acting just fine for this stage in the relationship and maybe you should take a leaf out of her book - as I said, just relax a bit, where's the fire?

Finally don't try to be Homer or anyone else, just be yourself - compliments are lovely, but only if they are genuine, not if they are doled out to win brownie points.

[hunnypooh97]

Agreed with what QLP said.. it is just the beginning you need to take it slow.. its very normal the way she is acting and you shouldn't compare her with other girls that you have been with.. because everyone is different.. if you continue to bombard her she is just going to run away.. (I once met a boy who I spoke on the phone for a few times and went out on a date once and he already wanted me to commite to being his girlfriend.. that freaked me out.. and needless to say I just rejected him right at the spot)

As for the phone/text part I am not a phone person either I don't text or have long phone chats with people.. back then when I was still dating my husband we were not yarping on the phone all day long or everyday either..

[jmjoseph]

3) Any other Simpsons quotes I can follow that'll give me an edge?
4) If I am being way too analytical about this, please tell me how I can stop being this way... I don't know much about girls but I do know neediness, desperation and sweaty armpits are instant girl-repellant.

Again, any general observations are totally welcome… thanks!

--huno

First, leave the Simpsons out of it. And yes, this seems insecure and needy.

AND, not everyone is connected to their phone. Why should she make herself available to you all day?


You are already comparing her to your other "girlfriends", and that's not fair at any level. If they were so wonderful, then why are you here, now?

Slow down, and take it easy.

[huno]

Thanks, QLP, hunnypooh97 and jmjoseph, I think this is what I needed to hear. You are probably right that I shouldn't yet expect anything... I'm sure that my last GFs had personalities that lent themselves to calling me early in the dating stages and maybe this girl doesn't.

(Incidentally, I'm exaggerating about constantly complimenting her... I mean, I do compliment her but not so much that I expect to get an extra serving of mashed potatoes like Bart did with the lunch lady. :-)

[talaniman]

1) Are my concerns about her behavior with her phone legitimate? Or am I reading too much into things?
Way too much into it.

2) Should the fact that she never calls me be a concern?
NOPE, if it is just ask. To soon for her to be needy clingy, or all trusting of your motives. Its up to you to pursue with dignity, and eyes open. She is a stranger to be sure.

3) Any other Simpson's quotes I can follow that'll give me an edge?
Don't have a cow over dumb stuff that's more your perceptions than may be real.

4) If I am being way too analytical about this, please tell me how I can stop being this way... I don't know much about girls but I do know neediness, desperation and sweaty armpits are instant girl-repellent.
Yes you are and I think if you pay better attention over time without freaking out, you will learn her ways and make adjustments to your thinking, and relax more.

[positiveparent]

Im another person who doesn't take much notice of my mobile phone, its turned off mostly.

Not everyone's life revolves around their phones, some can and do actually leave them at home and perish the thought they turn them off. Yes there is an off button.

You're also running before you walk, take it slow, obviously the girl in question is and all credit to her, you've no need to rush, taking it slow is much more beneficial at least this way, she knows or will know that when she sees you its because she's chosen to, not because she's felt under pressure.

Push too hard too soon and shell be gone before you can say wheres homer. (personally I can't stand the simpsons)

When you asked her about the Saturday date, before you'd gone on the Wednesday one, she was playing safe, and doing what any sensible female would at the start of a relationship, she's playing it by ear, and good for her.

Perhaps you need to take a leaf out of her book and just take your time, and another thing girls don't always want compliments they can become cheesy and naff. Yes compliments are nice when they're sincere not just said because you're hoping to impress her, you impress by being yourself, letting her be herself, being considerate thoughtful, not rushing her, and allowing the relationship to develop at its own pace, not rushed not false just real...

[huno]

I need another swift kick in the butt...

I texted her yesterday afternoon to see if she wanted to meet up sometime this week and she hasn't responded. I'm trying my best to remember that she doesn't like her phone and that probably makes her less attached to it than I am to mine, but I'm still feeling anxious about hearing back from her.

I know that if I call or text her again too soon, it will seem really needy. But I would like to see her and would like to know when she can meet up. I want to call her tonight or possibly tomorrow afternoon. 

How long should I wait?

And how do I keep myself from dwelling on this too much? I know it's not healthy and if she thinks that I am trying to contact her too often, she will push back and probably not want to see me anymore.

[Just Looking]

I need another swift kick in the butt...

I texted her yesterday afternoon to see if she wanted to meet up sometime this week and she hasn't responded. I'm trying my best to remember that she doesn't like her phone and that probably makes her less attached to it than I am to mine, but I'm still feeling anxious about hearing back from her.

I know that if I call or text her again too soon, it will seem really needy. But I would like to see her and would like to know when she can meet up. I want to call her tonight or possibly tomorrow afternoon. 

How long should I wait?

And how do I keep myself from dwelling on this too much? I know it's not healthy and if she thinks that I am trying to contact her too often, she will push back and probably not want to see me anymore.

First off, I think you have a funny sense of humor. I laughed at a lot of your comments. Everyone has answered your first question, but I have to agree with them. I am a 28 year old female who had been in the dating scene for 12 years, until I met my fiancé - throughout the age of cells and texts. I also don't live by my phone. It gets parked in my purse unless I'm waiting for an important call/text. I don't usually hear it when it rings - I'm busy working or playing. Anyway, I think you got that message.

You will be seeing her Wednesday. Wait until then. Don't pressure her. I think she's going at a healthy pace. Watch her for clues that she's ready to increase the amount of contact you have. Also, show a little confidence in yourself. You seem like you could be a lot of fun. Be confident that she will see that, and if she doesn't the next one will.

You stop from dwelling on it by focusing on other things - work/school, friends, working out, hobbies, reading, or whatever it is you do for fun.

[huno]

Hey everyone, I'm back with more questions about the peculiarities that girls exhibit (guys have peculiarities too, but I understand those so I don't have any questions about them):

So I've been seeing this girl for about two months and we've been on about 8 dates. At first I was concerned that she wasn't all that into me because she doesn't respond to my texts right away and I asked about it here. After a severe but deserved thrashing by y'all, I came to peace with her tendency to not write back right away. But there's something else that is bugging me and again I need your wisdom.

Throughout our 'courtship', every so often she'll text me things that come off as hints that she doesn't want to go out with me. Today she did something that kind of threw me for a loop:

On Friday I asked if she was free tonight and she said yes. Since we live about 40 miles apart and she's always meeting me in the middle, I thought I'd be a gentleman and said I would go out to her area. She responds by saying there's nothing out in her town but I know there are a few good places to get a drink, so I name some, along with a few options between us; she shoots down all the ones between us and says, "I guess we'll just settle for crappy <her town here>."

It sounded kind of harsh but I continued on and asked if I could pick her up. She gave me her address but said, "Just a fair warning, you might have to duck bullets in my hood." I said I can handle it and she said, "Ok but you're not meeting my family. Text me and I'll come out to you."

I'm not sure if I should read into this but something about this exchange smacks of "I really don't want to see you and I'm trying to push you away so you'll cancel." Shooting down every idea I had and then the way she accepted the place by her house sounds kind of... I don't know. She did once tell me she can be moody and has her moments, and maybe I should just chalk this up to a mood swing.

When she does stuff like this, how do I handle it? Do I call it out, or just keep talking/texting as though it doesn't bother or concern me?

There are other aspects of our dating so far that have me wondering:

- I finally kissed her for the first time on our last date; once during the date and once again at the end. She didn't turn away or give me her cheek, but she didn't seem really into it either. And I felt like I really had to throw myself in there to get it; in the past, the girl has always really been 'ready' for it by the time I went in. This girl didn't give me much indication that she was ready for it. Honestly I went for it because... well, it's been 8 dates already, sheesh!

- She still never calls me or texts me. She did once say she just doesn't do that, that she expects guys to call her. So I'm more or less at peace with this but we've been going out for 2 months, I kind of expect some reciprocation by now.

- The conversation flows well enough on our dates but she's never really flirty with me. Something about her tells me she's probably not the sweet, touchy-feely girls I've dated in the past, but another part of me tells me she's just not that into me. Are girls ever not flirty with guys they like? Or is she just taking really really long to warm up to me?

Again, any and all advice, observations welcome, please! (putting on cup in anticipation of swift kick to the nads)

[loveless044]

I would just assume that this chick is not to into you... I myself tend to do exactly the same thing when I'm not that interested in a guy... But I try to be nice enough not to hurt his feelings... seems like she wants it to be obvious that you're just not the one...

She still never calls me or texts me. She did once say she just doesn't do that, that she expects guys to call her.

seems like she's pretty full of herself... You ever heard the saying "it takes two to tango"... It applies here. When you want to talk to her, you call her. When she wants to talk to you, she should call you. Maybe she knows this and obviously doesn't want to talk to you. Back off for a while and see if she'll start calling you or texting you... if she doesn't, then just find a new chick to chill with.

[QLP]

Firstly the thing about being reluctant for you to go to where she lives and meet her family. The way she talks about it makes me feel she might be uncomfortable because she herself doesn't think too highly of her life circumstances. Maybe she feels embarrassed or ashamed of where she lives. I might be barking up completely the wrong tree here but something to consider.

The other thing though is that you are putting all the effort in and she doesn't seem to be reciprocating. Put it this way - she can't chase someone who is running after her. If you want to see if she is really interested, I agree you are going to have to back off, as loveless suggests, either she will notice your absence and be the one to do a bit of chasing or she won't. Difficult if you are keen I know but there's no point being strung along endlessly if she isn't that into you.

[j3211]

Hey guy she's just not that into you. Sorry, but you would have a better time with a girl that was excited to see you and would offer to make the trip just so she could see you. This early in the relationship you should still get butterflies and communicate every chance you got. Move on.

[talaniman]

The signals your getting are coming from your OWN insecurities and expectations which in my mind are a bit to high for a two month courtship.

Stop looking for signals of interest for you, and get to the real business of getting to KNOW who your dating, and ENJOYING the process. This is dating, Not a courtship.

She was very clear to me about boundaries, and you missed the "call me and talk hint" so she can get to know who she is dealing with, before she gets all sloppy in LUUUV with a stranger. Frankly, you don't deserve her heart.

in the past, the girl has always really been 'ready' for it by the time I went in.

Talaniman Rule-Never expect a person to act or react like others have in the past. Comparisons are dangerous, and UNFAIR.

People are different, and unique, and that's the way you treat them, and that means pay attention, from a neutral perspective, so you can actually see things for what they are, and not for what you want them to be. So likely you have to rein in your expectations, and be a lot more realistic to what your doing, because obviously she is not in the hurry that you are to have a romance.

So what's your hurry, and why can't you see its your issues that are getting in the way of clear understanding?