[4answers]

At the end of a break up, it is natural to fight to save the break up. The other persons emotional interest in you is gone/going and your fighting to prevent this. You are desperate to save this. You act desperate. This is very unatractive and pushes your ex further away. By the time you realise what you have done they have already moved on and met another.

***** STOP *****

At the end of a relaionship your heart is broken, so you cannot reley on it to make rational sensible decisions. You need to give it a chance to heal. You need to step back from the relationship and have a period of no contact to allow you to heal, only then can you begin to REBUILD the relationship with your ex partner.

No Contact : So, you’ve had your heart broken, probably begged and tried to convince your ex to get back together with you and failed. Realising that staying in contact is causing you more pain than you can handle, you take the step of implementing this ‘No Contact’ (NC) that we advocate widely on the forum.

So what’s it about then? And what is going to happen?

Hopefully, most of the answers will be in this thread What is No Contact?

While a seemingly simple question, there are variations of what ‘No Contact’ can mean.

1) You tell your ex that you won’t be contacting them and that they shouldn’t contact you.
2) You don’t tell your ex anything, and just drop off the face of the Earth.
3) You don’t tell your ex anything, you stop contacting them…but still allow them to contact you and you reply. (potentially damaging)

In my opinion, the most effective forms of NC are 1 and 2. They allow you to heal, as the ex isn’t given any way of providing you with hope (bait) or potentially emotionally damaging information (who wants to hear how great their life is without you?)

When starting NC, it is up to you what you want to say to your ex. Most people seem to say something along the lines of “Don’t call me unless you change your mind and want to give us another try”. It might also help to let them know that the window of opportunity to reconcile (from your perspective) will not be open forever.

You also may want to tell the ex why your cutting them out of your life – tell them it is so you can heal and move on. And in reality that IS why you’re doing it……


Why implement No Contact?

First and foremost, you are removing the source of your pain (your ex) from your life. If they aren’t in your life, they cannot hurt you – it’s as simple as that. And while the loss of the ex from your life in itself is painful, the benefits far outweigh the initial emotional turmoil.
No Contact allows you to get back on your feet and start to feel confident in who you are again. Remember a time when you were single and happy? Well No Contact is going to put you on the road to getting back to that point.
Some may be reluctant to take steps to regain independence, but you are useless to anyone (including your ex if they want you back) if you are unable to be happy with yourself.

No Contact can also serve another purpose, and this is the one that (if you are seeking reconciliation) will probably be used by you as inspiration to keep strong in avoiding picking up that phone or sending that email.
And that is of course, to send your ex a wake-up call and perhaps make them second-guess their decision to end the relationship.



Will No Contact bring my ex back?

Perhaps, perhaps not. There is no fool-proof way to get your ex back…if there were, we would all be using it and would all have our exes back.

There has to be some desire to reconcile inside your ex – NC will not create that desire, but it may certainly bring any underlying doubts they have to the surface. That does not mean that your ex will act on these doubts…but you can be certain that NC will at the very least make them realise just what life without you is like.



Will my ex miss me?

To be honest, it shouldn’t matter – you should be doing NC for YOU. Having said that, it is always easier to stay focused on maintaining NC if you know that it is having at least some effect on your ex.
So, will they miss you? In most cases (unless you have become a thorn in their side), yes - absolutely.
For those who have exes that want to remain friends: Why do you think that is?
It’s because they want you in their life. Exes very rarely stay friends…so in effect, when an ex asks to stay friends they are essentially saying “I still want you in my life”.
They are not ready to let you go (yet), so by implementing NC you are forcing them to lose you right then and there. NC prevents the ex from using you to cushion the blow of the break-up….by weaning themselves off you slowly.
Without NC you can be certain that once your ex is back on their feet emotionally (helped there by you), that the ‘friendship’ that seemed so important to them at the time will be non-existent.
No Contact is a far better option than staying friends. Being friends causes you pain and allows your ex to heal more quick. NC causes your ex pain and allows you to heal more quick

Not exactly rocket science, huh?

When should I implement No Contact?

ASAP but you must be certain that you can stay strong and stick to it. NC isn’t a decision that should be reversed until you are completely healed. If you keep implementing NC and then breaking it, it sends a message to your ex that you are needy and haven’t got the strength or the conviction to follow through on your commitments. Using NC without being genuinely committed to it is a recipe for disaster – you will break it and look weak. And you if you try to use NC again, your ex will not be too bothered….because “You said that last time”.

That’s why NC should not be used as a ‘shock tactic’ – don’t expect to implement NC and for your ex to come running back to you in a week or even a month. If you use NC, you have to be in it for the long haul.




Will No Contact push my ex away?

If there is hope for your relationship, then no it won’t – it will make your ex think about their decision.
After a few weeks of NC, you’ll probably get worried and start deluding yourself with thoughts like “Maybe they’ve forgotten about me…and maybe they think I don’t still love them”.
If that’s the way you’re thinking, then how about considering this: If you have NC with your ex for a few weeks and then contact them to tell you that you still care…what message does that send?
It says to your ex “I implemented NC to move on and heal…and now 3 weeks down the track I haven’t moved on or healed at all.”
The ex will again know that they can still have you if they want you…and even if they don’t hear from you for another few weeks, they won’t be overly concerned – the last few weeks hadn’t diminished your feelings, so why would the ex think the next few will?
Not a bad little (HUGE) security boost for the ex there, huh? Not to mention a huge step backwards for your good self.


How long will I keep hurting?

For as long as you allow yourself to. Remember, the ex is now out of your life – they cannot hurt you. So if you’re still feeling pain it is coming from within you – not from them.
It is perfectly normal to miss your ex, and by miss I mean that some days will be almost unbearable.
Go out, meet with friends (don’t talk about the ex!) or if it’s late at night think about the things you didn’t like about your ex…and even revisit arguments you may have had with them. If you have to think about your ex, think about the negatives.

Thinking about the good times is pointless – there is no possibility of having them back at the moment, and to dwell on what you once had is ultimately self-destructive.

Ideally, you should be doing your best to not think about your ex – do whatever it takes and keep busy. The less you think about them, the less you will hurt. Soon enough, not thinking about them will become normal.


What if the ex breaks NC and calls/emails me?

Two options: Respond or don’t respond.

If you have completely given up hope or don’t wish to reconcile with your ex – ignore the contact and keep ignoring any further attempts at contact. Easy.

If you are seeking reconciliation, then it depends on what the ex says when they contact you.
If they are calling for a ‘catch up’, politely tell your ex that you were serious about NC and that they must respect your decision. This call may come after a few days, a few weeks or a few months. Don’t get into any discussions about yourself and what you’re up to – keep it short, and make it clear to your ex that NC isn’t just a whim….you are serious about it. Remind them, if it comes up, that friendship is not an option.

Make it clear that you are respecting their decision to end the relationship, and now they have to respect your decision to end contact.
If you are seeking reconciliation, you also have every right to question your ex about their intentions if they contact you. Do so at the beginning of the interaction – there’s no point having a great conversation with the ex and getting your hopes up only to find out at the end of the call that nothing has changed. Save yourself the trouble and find out at the start - if their motivation for calling you is anything short of what you are after, terminate the conversation politely…but quickly.


Tips

Remove any photos and reminders you have of your ex from your life. Put them in a box and pack them away. You don’t need things like that preventing you from moving on.

Copy down your ex’s email address and phone numbers on a piece of paper, and put them in the same box. Then delete the email address from your computer and their numbers from your phone.

If you are strong enough to delete their contact details without writing them down, then do it! If not, do the above – it will remove the temptation to contact your ex (especially when you are out having a couple of drinks or at home alone in front of the PC ).

[NJCUTIE77]

Wow.. this was one of the best things I have read... Could you read my posts 4Answers? You seem pretty good with this...

[BlazingCold]

Nice essay. But do give credit to where you got this. I've read this same thing on another site.

[4answers]

Please also read 2. Heartbreak - No Contact - Get back together.

[valinors_sorrow]

At the end of a relaionship your heart is broken.... only then can you begin to REBUILD the relationship with your ex partner.

How does this work when they ended it but you are rebuilding it without them? :rolleyes:

1) You tell your ex that you won't be contacting them and that they shouldn't contact you.
2) You don't tell your ex anything, and just drop off the face of the Earth.
3) You don't tell your ex anything, you stop contacting them…but still allow them to contact you and you reply. (potentially damaging)

This is all based on if your ex cares. IF they ended it, they very probably don't care or don't want to HAVE to care! Which is EXACTLY how you'd feel if you had to end it too, wouldn't you? Come on people, think here!

When starting NC, it is up to you what you want to say to your ex. Most people seem to say something along the lines of “Don't call me unless you change your mind and want to give us another try”.

Now there is a nice mature way of ENDING IT on your end. But listen to the advice given in this article and you might somehow magically manipulate them into changing their mind. LOL And somehow UNEND what you just ENDED!! HA HA Are you confused yet -- but wait, there's MORE!!

You also may want to tell the ex why your cutting them out of your life

Oh really? Good to know for yourself, certainly, but telling them this makes you look like a GIGANTIC fool... because they already beat you to it! I mean if you told me that after I broke up with you LOL... I'd be yelling as I walked away, STILL Aren't LISTENING TO ME, ARE YA MEATHEAD??

First and foremost, you are removing the source of your pain (your ex) from your life. If they aren't in your life, they cannot hurt you – it's as simple as that. And while the loss of the ex from your life in itself is painful, the benefits far outweigh the initial emotional turmoil.

Let's be real here. What's good for the goose is good for the gander --this is why you BOTH should be doing this one. Its far more difficult to heal with contact -- ask ANY divorced parent about that.

No Contact can also serve another purpose, and this is the one that (if you are seeking reconciliation) will probably be used by you as inspiration to keep strong in avoiding picking up that phone or sending that email.

Article speaks with forked tongue -- didn't it just say not to use NC for this purpose?? Didn't you just say to your ex that you are cutting them out of your life to move on?? Oh I forgot, you are secretly trying to win them back, shhhh. LOL

There is no fool-proof way to get your ex back…if there were, we would all be using it and would all have our exes back.

But try this whole rigamarole any way since you only have tons of time and personal esteem to lose here not to mention the drive and determiniation of the truly desperate. It stands about as much chance as the proverbial snowball, truth be told. And while we're at it, can I sign you up for a free lifetime membership in the fabulous "Friends of Psychic Network" that costs only $99.99?? It's a ground floor once-in-a-lifetime weekly opportunity your deceased relative told us you would NOT want to miss! And our psychic said you might get your ex back too!

There has to be some desire to reconcile inside your ex – NC will not create that desire, but it may certainly bring any underlying doubts they have to the surface. That does not mean that your ex will act on these doubts…but you can be certain that NC will at the very least make them realise just what life without you is like.

Now we see the slippery slope this whole article lives on. I would like to hear the specifics to this part. What doubts, what surface, and what actions might they take? But never mind if any of that fails... look how powerful you feel making your ex really feeeeeeeeeeeel the loss, huh??

Will my ex miss me?
To be honest, it shouldn't matter – you should be doing NC for YOU.

Wait, didn't we just hear how we are doing it so they can miss us and feeeeeeel the loss? Okay, which is it now or at what point in reading all this will I begin to feel manipulated by the Dr Hook Medicine Show tactics in this article? You got me so I can't tell if I am coming or going- yikes!

No Contact is a far better option than staying friends. Being friends causes you pain and allows your ex to heal quicker. NC causes your ex pain and allows you to heal quicker

Hmmmm, could selfsihness like THAT be why you were dumped to begin with?? :eek: Well, if not then NOW is certainly the time for it. LOL

That's why NC should not be used as a 'shock tactic' – don't expect to implement NC and for your ex to come running back to you in a week or even a month. If you use NC, you have to be in it for the long haul.

That's cos' manipulating people who no longer trust you takes A TON of effort. LOL Its only you who doesn't know that you don't trust an ex. DOH!

After a few weeks of NC, you'll probably get worried and start deluding yourself with thoughts like “Maybe they've forgotten about me…and maybe they think I don't still love them”. If that's the way you're thinking, then how about considering this: If you have NC with your ex for a few weeks and then contact them to tell you that you still care…what message does that send? It says to your ex “I implemented NC to move on and heal…and now 3 weeks down the track I haven't moved on or healed at all.”

Funny how they never seem to tell you what to expect when it IS working??

If you have to think about your ex, think about the negatives.

How 'bout thinking about the whole thing and seeing it honestly. Crikey, you might even LEARN something from it too. Shhhh, I won't tell!

If you are seeking reconciliation, you also have every right to question your ex about their intentions if they contact you. Do so at the beginning of the interaction – there's no point having a great conversation with the ex and getting your hopes up only to find out at the end of the call that nothing has changed. Save yourself the trouble and find out at the start - if their motivation for calling you is anything short of what you are after, terminate the conversation politely…but quickly.

Let's face it, most people hear there is no chance of reconciliation, if they hear from them at all. So if you are going to invest a huge effort in doing something that amounts to a one-sided attempt at reconciliation with techniques that are questionably deceitful, please weigh how long the odds are of it even working... or better yet, what it says about that partner of yours on whom it actually works! Now that's scarey.

DANG! I should have done this the first time this crappy mix of fantasy-based con game invented by Eddie Haskell showed up.

[NJCUTIE77]

Damn... you picked that apart Val... I guess though that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs... and there are probably hundreds of millions of essays written about this topic... all saying something different.

[valinors_sorrow]

I obviously feel strongly about the article and its philosophy. Maybe it's that I hate to see hurting people get hurt all over again when they hold out hope, get questionable advise that plays on that hope unfairly, and then takes forever after a lot of effort on the good people's part to learn... their ex just ain't coming back. Ya know? Something kind of crappy about that one for me. I think this stuff is designed to sell books and make someone money more than it is to heal relationship problems.

If there is nothing else this whole topic should be telling everyone looking at it, it should be this:

In this day and age of information, it is very very important to check the sources of your information, preferably have multiple sources of information, view the information as objectively as possible and try it on WITH YOUR OWN EYES OPEN about how the world confirms it as accurate or not. This is the very basis of fundemental discernment and without it -- YOU WILL BE PLAYED THE FOOL.

[BlazingCold]

I obviously feel strongly about the article and its philosophy. Maybe its that I hate to see hurting people get hurt all over again when they hold out hope, get questionable advise that plays on that hope unfairly, and then takes forever after a lot of effort on the good people's part to learn .... their ex just ain't coming back. Ya know? Something kinda crappy about that one for me. I think this stuff is designed to sell books and make someone money more than it is to heal relationship problems.

True that! Hope kills.

Lose your hope, gain a hold on reality.

[valinors_sorrow]

True that! Hope kills.

Lose your hope, gain a hold on reality.

Ah well as I said on the other thread, I like hope all right. LOL It just damn well better be grounded in reality since pipedreams waste my time and hurt my heart when I find out they aren't real.

[talaniman]

Just my opinion, I'd rather get healthy, and be able to make my own decisions, than go with this pie in the sky plan, and waste my time.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Maybe us broken hearts need someone to shake the hope out of us...

Literally..

I have to be honest, I still have deep rooted hope (probably false hope) that my ex regrets what she has done..

HA!! Who am I kidding?.

Myself of course, she is having a great time at the moment! Well maybe I am assuming again and Val and Tal told me not to do that.. How do I really know what she is doing/feeling.

Still, I think any regrets she would have would after being burned a few times by some nasty, heartless men...

Then again, she might meet someone who is better than me and live happily ever after!

Why should I wish anything different for her? That is the difference between loving the person or loving the idea of the person/relationship.

[Geoffersonairplane]

It would be soooooooo much easier to give up on the concept of getting an ex back, especially if they are not worth the effort and focus on YOU..

And then get someone better for you..

Easier said than done I guess...

Not to sound like I am degrading this thread but the whole idea of No contact as a game is really becoming tiresome..

What value does it really serve to create a strategy where not contacting the ex will by itself resolve the current situation of being broken up or separated?

There is no game, it is all about reflection on why things broke... realising the factors that caused the break and then put actions into place to change the things that were part of your contribution to the problem.

Like wildcat often says, it is broken for a reason.

[NJCUTIE77]

Once again, I think I need to say that if your relationship was very very strong in the first place, then maybe you could have some hope. I think that if a person loved you, love is just hard to turn on and off like a switch... and even though someone may not want to be with you, there is no doubt in my mind that they would miss you anyway.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Once again, I think I need to say that if your relationship was very very strong in the first place, then maybe you could have some hope. I think that if a person loved you, love is just hard to turn on and off like a switch.... and even though someone may not want to be with you, there is no doubt in my mind that they would miss you anyways.

ah-ha,

Excellent..

I have a question NJ or anyone..

If someone therefore does not want to be with you and does not yet fully understand what love is, will they soon miss you on the basis of the love you felt for them and the fact that over time, they begin to understand the value and true nature of it?

Again, most might see what I have said as false hope as I am strictly referring to my ex...

[Geoffersonairplane]

Also, how can someone be in love with you and yet not want to be with you?

I'm not criticizing what you are suggesting, but simply trying to understand your point of view here... :)

[talaniman]

Once again, I think I need to say that if your relationship was very very strong in the first place, then maybe you could have some hope. I think that if a person loved you, love is just hard to turn on and off like a switch.... and even though someone may not want to be with you, there is no doubt in my mind that they would miss you anyways.

If your love was strong between both of you, you would be working on it, and not broken up. Our feelings cannot be turned on and off like a switch, but we can outgrow those feelings, or find something stronger or better to replace them with. That's called life.

[valinors_sorrow]

I really think 4answers hit on it in another thread that I, arrrrgh, cannot find at the moment and it has to do with this...

Until you leave someone, its hard to believe that over is over. But the ones who leave, leave knowing that maybe one day you might be the one they want but they make a much much more realistic assessment of that. You only need to look at how many of them don't even so much as look back to find your answer. To experience both means you understand better.

4answers wisely asked to those who want their ex's back, if they ever left someone, do they want that someone back?

[talaniman]

As I said in part 2 of this rubbish the holes in it are glaring, and this is just more BS!

[valinors_sorrow]

Here are also some very basic tenents of how relationships work - you only need look around in the world to see this verified.

1. The sick and the healthy do not make for an easy relationship.
2. The healthy tend to go with the healthy and likewise the sick with the sick (only its all on a continuum so I am oversimplyfying it here)
All the shuffling around that breaking up and hooking up is doing it trying to arrange something close to #2.

Soooo if you are complainng about a partner, what does that basically mean?
1. Somebody either needs to get healthier or
2. Somebody either needs to get sicker or
3. You need to come apart.
All three of these are happening as we speak ALL OVER THE WORLD.

Now, if you've been left, there is only a very limited way to tell if that means... (and both of these do happen)
1. You were the sick one and you let a healthy one get away or
2. You were the healthy one and the sick one ran away.

Which is why everyone should be willing to work on self on the backside of a break up, to ensure down the road...
1. It ain't me babe! And more importantly...
2. You will attract someone healthy

And all because healthy people in healthy relationships have a good time and tend to last longer too. Did I really need to say that?

[lovesick212]

I would love your insight on my situation!.