[roogirl]

Been married 17 years, no kids. My husband confessed his cheating about 2 years ago. At least 3 affairs have occurred that I know about. I know I should leave him but I just can't. Still love him, and he's currently serving in Iraq. He knows of my intent to move on. However, it seems like a horrible thing to do to somebody while they are in a warzone and I just can't bring myself to be that mean. I know that he has had affairs since his admission, he's left evidence such as opened condom packets lying around etc. I have nowhere to go and I'm afraid of breaking out on my own. Can't really afford to rent a place on my income as I've got 2 dogs as well. My family who lives interstate is contstantly on the phone to him and I feel guilty about leaving because they are all close to him.

[Wildcat21]

I'd just remember he CHEATED ON YOU!! Hello??

He doesn't respect you one bit!! HELLO??

You can NEVER trust him!! Hello??

WHo cares if your family is close - DO THEY KNOW ABOUT The CHEATING??

What a wonderful guy!! NOPE!!

"such as opened condom packets lying around etc" - can we all say together... "scumbag!!!!!!!"

This guy is low than low.

Time raise that self esteem and lose this pile of trash.

And - you have no relationship - none. It's been over.

There is no trust. There is no respect. No reltionship.\

Hello??

Why would you put yourself through this??

Are you the punching bag?? The dog they kick?? NO!!

[valinors_sorrow]

Girl, you need to get your priorities straight. If you don't scratch, crawl and climb your way out of that hole, it will only get deeper and deeper. Stop. Look around. You are far more capable than this! Leaving is serious business and because of that it's a "do what it takes" proposition. But I got to tell you, its got to be all about you. Or it won't work. Never mind anything else - not him, not your family, etc. As I see it, if you aren't making plans to leave and then executing those plans and leaving, then you don't really have the right to complain. No one said it won't be hard but it will be worthwhile. Anything is worth getting your respect back as I see it. And maybe when you are on your own and just scraping by, you can show some gratitude by helping the next women who is so caught up in the crapola see her way fit to something better too, you know?

[starsbooty]

Wow, that was kind of harsh. Do you want to be with him? Or do you want to be with his home and money? Whatever is best for you. If your using him, look at it like that, if you love him you can't help who you love, but I know you better find you a "friend" also. And with the open condoms, he either wants to be caught or just doesn't care, either way it shows there is no regard for your feelings at all.. it seems that you are more worried about being alone by yourself, then alone in a unfaithful marriage. And I agree would your family think he was so great if they knew he was a cheater?

[roogirl]

Girl, you need to get your priorities straight. If you don't scratch, crawl and climb your way out of that hole, it will only get deeper and deeper. Stop. Look around. You are far more capable than this! Leaving is serious business and because of that its a "do what it takes" proposition. But I gotta tell you, its got to be all about you. Or it won't work. Nevermind anything else - not him, not your family, etc. As I see it, if you aren't making plans to leave and then executing those plans and leaving, then you don't really have the right to complain. No one said it won't be hard but it will be worthwhile. Anything is worth getting your respect back as I see it. And maybe when you are on your own and just scraping by, you can show some gratitude by helping the next women who is so caught up in the crapola see her way fit to something better too, ya know?

Please don't confuse the purpose of my posting this message. I am not using it as a vehicle to complain, I am seeking help to find a solution.

[valinors_sorrow]

Please dont confuse the purpose of my posting this message. I am not using it as a vehicle to complain, I am seeking help to find a solution.

I am not suggesting you are using this as a vechicle to complain. I am suggesting you know all that you need to know to leave him already and you aren't using it to benefit you. What will anyone here tell you about how to leave him that could combat the enormous inertia created by that oppressive atmosphere you're in other than... please... get going... make plans... start now? Light some fires. Rev those engines. Don't bleed off your energy complaining when it needs to go to other things. That's all I am suggesting. I am on your side here.

[roogirl]

I am not suggesting you are using this as a vechicle to complain. I am suggesting you know all that you need to know to leave him already and you aren't using it to benefit you. What will anyone here tell you about how to leave him that could combat the enormous inertia the oppressive atmosphere you're in other then please, get going, make plans, start now? Light some fires. Rev those engines. Don't bleed off your energy complainng when it needs to go to other things. That's all I am suggesting.

Okay, understood. Many thanks

wow, that was kind of harsh. do you want to be with him? or do you want to be with his home and money? whatever is best for you. if your using him, look at it like that, if you love him you can't help who you love, but i know you better find you a "friend" also. and with the open condoms, he either wants to be caught or just doesnt care, either way it shows there is no regard for your feelings at all.. it seems that you are more worried about being alone by yourself, then alone in a unfaithful marriage. and i agree would your family think he was so great if they knew he was a cheater?

They know he's a cheater. I visited them recently, and they made a point of saying he's getting 'special prayers' because of his predicament (being in Iraq). I certainly don't want them to be hostile toward him, but I wish they weren't 'that close' to him as well. I guess I feel quite alienated. They didn't even bother to ask if I was okay. It was hard to be at their house because he was always ringing them up and they would often talk of him. Just made me sad and felt guilty. Bloody hell I don't know. I wish I knew why I just can't go.

[valinors_sorrow]

And if you can't find enough energy from the indignation of being cheated on right now, well borrow some of mine because I am indignant on your behalf! You are worth more than this, bottom line! They have you beat down, that's why. And you need to find your "fight-back" in this so you can fight your way out of it. Go somewhere away from everyone and really feel the anger in this. Then take that energy and start making plans.

[roogirl]

I'd just remember he CHEATED ON YOU!!! Hello????

He doesn't respect you one bit!!! HELLO??????

You can NEVER trust him!!! Hello???????

WHo cares if your family is close - DO THEY KNOW ABOUT TTHE CHEATING???

What a wonderful guy!!! NOPE!!!

"such as opened condom packets lying around etc" - can we all say together...."scumbag!!!!!!!"

This guy is low than low.

Time raise that self esteem and lose this pile of trash.

Yeah mate you are blunt. But thank you for taking the time to read and post.

And if you can't find enough energy from the indignation of being cheated on right now, well borrow some of mine because I am indignant on your behalf! You are worth more than this, bottom line! They have you beat down, that's why. And you need to find your "fight-back" in this so you can fight your way out of it. Go somewhere away from everyone and really feel the anger in this. Then take that energy and start making plans.

Good onya, I'll take you up on your offer and borrow some of your energy.

[JoeCanada76]

I agree totally with wildcat here. Yes, he is blunt. It is needed. It is called a WAKE UP CALL or it is your own fault and stupidity for staying in a situation like this. The best time to make the move and get out all your stuff is when he is in warzone. He knows he cheated, admitted. It is up to you whether you want to be with a cheater. Now that you are alone, not with anybody right now. The best thing to do is get tested. Just because he used condoms does not mean he does not have some kind of disease.

Move out, move on. Who cares if your family is close to him or not. That is on the phone with him or not. You need to make decisions for yourself. Not for your husband, not for your family, for yourself.

Joe

[Fr_Chuck]

You can make all the excuses for him if you want, you can live with him till you die and he cheats another 20 times

I know a couple that have lived like that for 30 years, he cheats, she cheats and god only knows what deseases they get over the years.

If he is out cheating, be sure to use protection of you and he have sex.

But if this is not the life you want, if you want to be free from that move on.

[roogirl]

I agree totally with wildcat here. Yes, he is blunt. It is needed. It is called a WAKE UP CALL or it is your own fault and stupidity for staying in a situation like this. The best time to make the move and get out all your stuff is when he is in warzone. He knows he cheated, admitted. It is up to you whether you want to be with a cheater. Now that you are alone, not with anybody right now. The best thing to do is get tested. Just because he used condoms does not mean he does not have some kind of disease.

Move out, move on. Who cares if your family is close to him or not. That is on the phone with him or not. You need to make decisions for yourself. Not for your husband, not for your family, for yourself.

Joe

I am well aware of what a wake up call is, laboring that point is entirely unnecessary. Likewise, highlighting fault and stupidity on my part is also quite unhelpful as I am well aware of what might lie ahead if I stay. I am merely seeking a solution for how to overcome the obstacles that stand in my way. But thanks for your response, I appreciate your help.

[Skell]

Where are you in Australia and where is your family?

Why can't you get to them?

[s2tp]

roogirl,

So you are still with him, married and emotionally... obviously you have discussed his affairs... is he trying to keep you? Has he talked about stopping? Are you only staying with him cause he is in Iraq and you can't afford to live alone? Does he want to stay together or get divorced?

I spent 5+ years in the Army, and I am now in Afghanistan... So I am well aware of what Soldiers go through and the lows that they can steep to when they are away from their spouses. It makes me so angry when I see them taking advantage of their 'deployed' state and having affairs... then their wives are either blind, knowing and pretend not to, or they know and move on.

How do you want to live your life? Do you really think that when he gets back that you will have a happy home? It has got to be hard to think of being on your own financially, and to feel like an outcast with the family. Can you go to the family members are express how confused you are?. that he has confessed his cheating and you just don't know what to do..

I feel for you in this situation. I know you may feel like you don't want to cause any more stress on him while he is deployed to a war zone, but hun if he cheated on you confessed it, continued to cheat, and knows you are planning on leaving him... well he has brought all of this stress onto himself. If he is trying to keep you and stressing over you leaving him, well depending on if you feel you can wait until he gets back, then tell him you are separated from him until he gets back and then you guys can work on things... if you think you can do that...

If he doesn't seem to care either way... well then it doesn't matter to him, and its not causing him more stress... so if you can move on you really should... stop hurting yourself, you can find someone else who will truly care for you and not cheat.

As for the family... I really don't know what to say to that. It seems as though he talks to them more than you... that really sucks. But family should come first, so talk to those family members and just let them hear your side of things too, I hope that they will be there for you and listen.

Keep your head up, and don't do anything irrational. You can get through this emotionally and financially just take it day by day and make a plan for yourself. Set some goals for moving out and moving on, figure out what you need to accomplish and get it done.

I personally would not take a man cheating on me continuously... that is just downright disrespectful, you deserve better than that! But do what you need to do, be strong be confident.

Let us know what happens

[valinors_sorrow]

Wow, I got to say after reading back through this whole thread, there is a difference between tough love and just being tough and I wonder if some people understand that. Holy cow! I feel like I somehow participated in making it possible to disrepect the OP by sounding too tough myself. For that I apologise to you Roogirl. Feel free to use the Report Inappropriate Post button to report anyone you feel is being disrespectful. That is not allowed here.

[talaniman]

Wow isn't the word. You want a plan I got one.
1. Get off the pity pot
2. Get a job
3. Support yourself
4. divorce the bum
5.move on and get a life
If you spent as much emotion on motivating yourself, as you did being defensive, I have no doubt you will succeed.

[starsbooty]

I have I different approach.. every one is telling you to leave, obviously you don't want to. Anything that any of us tell you doesn't really matter at all, because I'm sure your not telling us every detail, and I know its hard to leave someone you love even if they are not treating you the way you like. The thing is, with being cheated on, its more then just being unfaithful, he is being unsafe, whether he uses condoms or not, sh!* happens, would you leave if he gave you an std, or got somebody else pregnant? Would you leave if he beat you until you were black and blue. The pain that you are subjecting yourself to now is something that you obviously don't like but can tolerate. If you know all these things that he's doing in your marriage, what else do you need to know from people you don't know? Either you leave or don't, either way its going to be hard because you do love him, and you are scared. And about your family, if you really feel uncomfortable with them talking to or about him, let them know, after all it is your family and with the way he is acting you have every right in the world to be selfish. Its bad enough that he is away fighting for his country, (his choice to leave) but he is also cheating while he's away. Tell your family you need support, and tell him whether he is fighting war or not, you don't have to take this, your thinking about leaving him see what he says. Don't be scared and please don't be down on yourself, it is not your fault. In this situation because I know you love him the worst he could say is bye, and that will show you how much he really loves you.

[Allheart]

Hi Roogirl,

First, I hope you don't mind... but here is a well meaning hug {... }

You sound like an incredibly sweet and considerate girl. And I think what everyone is trying to convey, is it is time for you to apply the same consideration for yourself.

If you can not come to terms with the thoughts of leaving him, which sounds permanent to you, then tell yourself it's a separation. A separation from this awful situtation you are in.

As far as worrying about everyone else, you need to think of your own health and state of mind. I know you still love him and are concerned that he is now in Iraq, and in your shoes, heaven only knows what I would do.

The empty condoms laying around is more than I can even digest. I am so sorry you had to endure that.

Gather yourself and your things and find a safe place. By safe I mean not living in an environment that is so unhealthy.

Val hit the nail on the head, you need to really think about all he had done to you, put that love aside and find that internal energy that will give you strength to stand up and say ENOUGH! NO.

There has to be local places where you can find aid of some sort, to assist you and get on your feet.

You are drowning in all the difficulties which is preventing you from making a healthy start.
Separate yourself from this situation. You owe the family no explanation and I am sure they will be there to offer support regardless of the fact of how they feel for him. You do not need your families approval or anyone's approval in striving for a healthier you.

As far as your husband (and it is hard for me to even refer to him as that, I am sorry), he will be okay, perhaps you do not tell him until he is home. It can wait, you telling him, but it can not wait for you to stay immersed in such a negative, unhealthy and more importantly undeserved environment.

Roo, of all the post I have ever read, yours has had the most effect on me. As Val said as well, I can feel the energy building up inside of me, so please take my energy as well.

I wish you the best and Roo you will be okay. You can do this. If you find and if or a but, or how can I, you just erase those thoughts out of your mind and get yourself going.

Will be sending you lots of good thoughts Roo.

My very best.

Allheart

(p.s. when you feel weak or undecided, just remember those condoms on the floor, sorry to bring that up, but that is just awful.) Oh boy!

[Wildcat21]

Sorry to be blunt - but you need some change in your life. This guy doesn't respect you and you deserve respect.

There is nothing to reconcile here. Once the coast is clear he'll do it again.

[talaniman]

Roo- Please take to heart, we are all on your side, even those of us who have seemed to come down hard on you. It was only to make you mad enough to do something for yourself, to get away from this man who has wronged you. You have us all behind you, so please change your surroundings.