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Jacki336 · Dec 14, 2006, 07:11 AM

How would you react if your 17 year old daughter came to you saying she is dating a 21 year old man- and they have been dating for 5 months?

J_9 · Dec 14, 2006, 07:13 AM

I would be VERY upset since it is illegal in my area. He can be arrested if they are engaging in any form of sexual relations. I just don't understand what a 21 year old would want with a 17 year old other than sex.

SingleMom7105 · Feb 3, 2007, 10:57 PM

I was 18 and my boyfriend was 28! My mom wasn't happy just cause she didn't like the guy. I don't really see a problem with it. She will see him anyway if that's what she wants whether you tell her she can or not!

CaptainForest · Feb 4, 2007, 12:23 AM

Jacki,

The question isn't how would we react, but how are you reacting?

I take it you are upset with it?

First, have you met this guy?

Is he a good guy? Bad one?

If you think he is good, then there is no reason not to let your daughter date him.

And if you think he is bad for her, it still might be best to let her date him since you can't watch her 24/7 and less than a year from now she will be 18.

Unless you think this guy is dangerous and could get her into some serious trouble, I would say leave it alone.

If you object to this relationship, it will only bring them closer, not apart.

JoeCanada76 · Feb 4, 2007, 12:39 AM

Personally how would I react. When I first read your post I thought big deal. I do not have a daughter though so I can not really say. I think as a father I would be really protective no matter what. Any person that would have any interest in my child would have to go through the hoops.

Joe

AKaeTrue · Feb 4, 2007, 02:07 AM

Unfortunately, I also thought while reading your post that a 17 year old dating a 21 year old isn't that uncommon these days, and in my state it is legal.

seeking a solution · Feb 16, 2007, 10:35 PM

I'm thinking that you and your daughter have to have a long overdue talk about trust and the love of family that no matter what is there for her. Five months is too long of a secret. I don't have a daughter so I can't say that I would be upset but maybe hurt and disappointed more than anything. I remember being a daughter at one time and dating. I was almost 17 and the boy was 22, but my parents were very strick and had to meet him and I was only aloud one date night with a promise to be in by a certain time. On the other night he was around my family and my dad said if he cared about me that it would not bother him if he's a good man. If he's a GOOD guy you will know, he will want to come around and have nothing to hide.

Patience_Of_An_Angel · Feb 20, 2007, 01:40 AM

Originally Posted by Jacki336

How would you react if your 17 year old daughter came to you saying she is dating a 21 year old man- and they have been dating for 5 months?

I don't see anything wrong with that . To be honest, kids nowadays are not the same as we were brought up in the older days, they have been brought up a little different, answer back too much, spoiled rotten, have too much to say and little respect for others... and to answer your question... grow up more quick.

robynhgl · Feb 20, 2007, 05:06 AM

That's a hard question to answer. First of all--you know your daughter and her level of maturity. There are some kids that are mature beyond their years both mentally and emotionally... then there are some who just can't seem to grow up. ;) (Heck--I'm MARRIED to one of those... lol!) If your daughter has always shown you that she is capable of making good decisions and has been trustworthy (up until she decided to keep this from you), you should be able to trust her judgement on this enough to sit back and 'see what happens'... however, if she has proven to make unwise choices, is naïve or easily led into making bad decisions--I would be worried. But those are things that you know better than any one here.

I think what would bother me the most is that she didn't tell me. What would make her withhold this type of information? Has she always hidden things from you or is this different from her normal behavior?

After I asked myself that, I'd definitely want to meet this guy and 'guage' him for myself. I can't help but think that a young man with good intentions toward my daughter would either encourage her to 'hide' the relationship--or support her in wanting to 'hide' it.

It's soooo tough being a parent--and unfortunately our kids don't come with instruction manuals. We do the best we can and hope that we are making the right decisions.

Patience_Of_An_Angel · Feb 20, 2007, 05:12 AM

Yes, I agree with that.

They are stronger minded nowadays... you have to let them make their own decisions/mistakes, and if it doesn't work out, well... then you will be there for them!

You can't wrap them up in cotton wool all their lives, see what happens and just help where you can. To be honest, nowadays there's not much difference between 17 and 25 years old... I've met 17 year olds that seem like 37 and 25 year olds that seem like 15 year olds.

talaniman · Feb 20, 2007, 05:17 AM

She would be in a lot of trouble for lying and sneaking around, but kids that age find ways to do anything they want. No matter how tight the reins. Blowing up does no good but we would have to talk. I would have to have a word with the boy, er young man personally.

sexybeasty · Feb 20, 2007, 09:43 AM

Well, this is a toughy. First of all, they may be in love or think they are and as your daughter is almost legal, you should tread lightly.

That said, my step-daughter got pregnant by her boyfriend of two years. He was a year younger. They got married right our of high school and somehow it worked. Not that it was easy, and he ended up joining the military. They are both in college too and now the baby is almost 4 and there is another one on the way.

Again, I found out my son was having sex with his college girlfriend. I have received tons of advice and since I have a good head on my shoulders, really listened to my heart. My heart tells me they are in love and my interferrence will only cause me troubles later, if they do get married. I DID talk to them about using protection and I joked that I don't want to HAVE to make the guest room into a nursery. It embarrassed them plenty. GOOD!

I would make myself available. Have them out to dinner and maybe a regular Sunday breakfast. Be available and above all, accessible. That way, you can tell your daughter in a loving way the good you see in the boyfriend but also slip in that if they get intimate, they need protection. Also state for the record, that you prefer she wait until she marries and preferrable after college graduation.

Really, our children want our love no matter what and being honest and kind will open the doors to communcation much wider.

One thing, most IMPORTANT... pray for her. Pray in front of her and pray in silence too for your girl. Do it often and without ceasing. Let her know how much you value her and all will work out in the end. No matter what, she should always feel your love and influence.

tinsign · Feb 23, 2007, 04:23 AM

I would be very upset with her as well as him. She needs to be reminded she is still a minor and he needs to have a talking too. Remind him that you are her parent and what he is doing is illegal. By hearing that from you he will think long and hard if it is worth seeing her if there is a change he could face charges.

theevilbeing · Feb 23, 2007, 05:58 AM

Don't pressure him to break up with him too much, this may push them closer, you could use some cunning, try addressing or engaging in childish behaviours in order to deture this man so he sees her in a new light and may move on. Your daughter and the gentlemans behaviour may be explained by eithers relationship with the farther. How is your daughters farther? Please contact me for further details. Taz (freud)

NowWhat · Mar 13, 2007, 09:14 AM

When my parents met, my Mom was 16 and my Dad was 22 and fresh out of the Navy. They have been together for over 43 years. Now I know that times are different.
You have to look at your daughter, is she responsible? Look at the young man, is he a good guy?
I don't have a teenager yet, but, I have heard that the more you protest something like this, the better that person looks. So, if you need to set some ground rules - then do that - but telling your daughter she is prohibited to do something - I don't think would work.
Just, as my husband says, roll with it.

vlee · Mar 13, 2007, 11:41 AM

Putting your foot down and demanding they don't see one another will not open any doors in your relationship with your daughter. I know you want to protect her, but honestly, you can't. You can be honest and say you don't like the idea, but at the end of the day she'll see him knowing you aren't crazy about it, or she'll start lying to keep it from you. Then you'll never know where she really is, or what is truly going on. The best you can do is be there to pick up the pieces if he does hurt her, and she isn't going to be willing to let you do that if she feels she'll have to face a big "I told you so" along with it. Now in saying all of that, I am sure I wouldn't be happy if it were my daughter. Unfortunately we as parents have knowledge from personal experience that children do not. For some reason, many of these facts we believe can not simply be imparted upon our kids. They too will need to experience things first-hand. And who knows? Maybe she will end up happier for having known this man.