[TESTER2799]

Hi,

So here is the history:

August 2009
I met a female coworker. She has a relationship at the time! We started flirting a bit, we exchanged phone numbers.. when she got my intentions, she told me she had a boyfriend and she loves him! I told her I respect that, but that doesn't mean we can't talk...

October 2009
She text me on my cell phone for the first time during not working hours - For me it was a clear flirting step from her side..

November 2009
She broke up with her ex.. not because of me.. they had problems.. but I did play a role for her decision.. the break-up took almost 2 months to be finalized.
AFTER she broke up with him, we had our first kiss.. she initiates it.. She tried again before (also after the breaking up) and I said no.. She respected that!

January 2010
I went to another city for work... stayed in a hotel. She surprised me.. she came, knocked on my door.. we had sex for the first time.. it was more like love...

February 2010
She still isn't sure that she is doing the right decision.. since her relationship with her ex was good for long time, she wanted to be sure that her decision to break up with him was the correct one.. I immediately stepped back, giving her time and space.. it lasted 1 week.. I saw her accidentally at work (we work at different buildings and we don't see each other every day at work).. told her I want to see her.. and one thing let to another...

March 2010
I was getting a bit tired of the story.. I was ready for new relationship! My last real one was ended 3 years ago... She was never single after her 18th birthday.. She was with a guy for 4 years.. and then this guy... and then me! So I told her.. it's either now or never.. she agreed we can try and see how it goes...
Since I'm an IT, I replaced her work computer one week after we've been together.. We have to check the PC before we delete everything.. I saw a conversation she had with another female coworker saying about a guy at the gym she liked.. nothing more, nothing less.. It's a normal behavior.. We all do it at some point.. it doesn't mean we are in love with them.. we just liked what we saw..
Anyway.. I couldn't just tell her I saw the conversation.. so I kept my mouth shut! HUGE MISTAKE!!
For 3 weeks... I had so much pressure inside... We started fighting for stupid reasons.. nothing really serious.. it was like I lost my trust on her.. I was asking those stupid questions... putting pressure on her also.. I knew what was going on.. she didn't.. and she thought that's how I always am in my relationships...
After 3-week loooooooooooooooong fights, I decided to tell her what I knew.. I first asked her about that guy, and if she liked him.. she said "yes.. I like him.. is that so bad? it doesn't really mean anything.."! Then I told her about the conv I saw.. We had a long talk.. the night ended perfectly...
For the next couple of weeks all seemed perfect...
One day she went out with her girlfriends.. She didn't tell me where she went and with who.. I got a bit mad at her.. So I've put a huge pressure on her.. Next day she broke up with me..

April 2010
1 week after the break-up.. she came back.. It lasted 1 week.. then again another break-up.. She invited me for dinner.. I went with flowers, dressing formally.. she instantly felled we are moving too fast... this one lasted 3 days..
Then we had our perfect month.. no fighting.. constantly seeing each other.. going out... movies.. sex.. staying at my place most the nights..

MAY 2010
We had another stupid fight.. she came at my house one night.. asking me how I felt about "us"... I said we are doing OK.. and she said she had doubts.. As a good boyfriend I was.. I should have have hugged her and kissed her and told her "everything will be ok"... instead we had another massive fight and me asking all those stupid why questions...
Again, we broke up.. it lasted 3 days.. she declined the breaking up.. she said she only wanted some time to calm down...

JUNE2010
Just one week after the last breaking up.. the final one came.. We had a nice week.. I was calmed.. loving.. giving her space within the relationship.. one day she asked me if we'll meet during the night.. I said "No, if you don't tell me you love me and you miss me"... she said "You know I like showing these things in person..".. So I got mad again.. one thing let to another.. we broke up again...
We had nice long talk though.. mature one.. and then we cut contact for 2 weeks... When she called me for my birthday, we agreed to meet when we get back to our town (we were both away during that time)..

JULY2010
The meeting went well last Thursday.. we had a mature talk.. we both agreed she needs space and time.. she needs time with her self.. she never had that time before.. she loves me.. she thinks of me.. she believes we are perfect together but it was bad timing... I was ready for something new.. she wasn't...
When she got the feeling that girls are flirting with me.. she started crying.. she said she knew how easily is to lose me and that I attract many girls... and she prefers not to know what's going on.. this only makes her want to fight and win me back even if we both know it's not a good time right now..


Anyway.. we agreed on space and time.. I don't know the length of it.. I don't know if she meets another guy (she told me I am the only one.. she doesn't care about anyone else.. but I also know this is just dust in the eyes... )! I do want to be with her.. IF the timing was right.. then we would both be ready for something new and things would have been much better..

Is there anyway that we would both me ready at some point in the future? Will she come back if I do certain things? What are those things? I want to be with her.. She wants to be with me.. but we both know if we do this again.. the same things would happen really soon...
Should I stay in some sort of contact with her? Cut all contact??
I need your expert advice...


Thank you guys


PS: I am 29 year old male.. She is 24!

[talaniman]

Sorry guy but there were to many red flags to ignore, but you somehow managed to quite well

August 2009
I met a female coworker. She has a relationship at the time! We started flirting a bit, we exchanged phone numbers.. when she got my intentions, she told me she had a boyfriend and she loves him! I told her I respect that, but that doesn't mean we can't talk...
She had a boyfriend, she was unavailable. The red flag was that you discarded that information and pursued her any way KNOWING you wanted more than friendship, so its you who crossed the boundaries of good behavior.
October 2009
She text me on my cell phone for the first time during not working hours - For me it was a clear flirting step from her side..
I can see you rubbing your greedy hands together, knowing what she was doing was wrong and you were wrong to instigate this.
November 2009
She broke up with her ex.. not because of me.. they had problems.. but I did play a role for her decision.. the break-up took almost 2 months to be finalized.
AFTER she broke up with him, we had our first kiss.. she initiates it.. She tried again before (also after the breaking up) and I said no.. She respected that!
What a freaking manipulator, a tease who backs away so she wants more. I see nothing respectful about your actions so far!
January 2010
I went to another city for work... stayed in a hotel. She surprised me.. she came, knocked on my door.. we had sex for the first time.. it was more like love...
Everybody says that about good sex, so whats your point? You were teasing that thang for a long time and actually caused problems with her relationship, but of course, you don't take the blame/credit for it.
February 2010
She still isn't sure that she is doing the right decision.. since her relationship with her ex was good for long time, she wanted to be sure that her decision to break up with him was the correct one.. I immediately stepped back, giving her time and space.. it lasted 1 week.. I saw her accidentally at work (we work at different buildings and we don't see each other every day at work).. told her I want to see her.. and one thing let to another...
Real fisherman use this method to catch dish, Hook 'em, let them have some line to break their resistance(wear them down), and pull them in. Take'em home and eat 'em.
March 2010
I was getting a bit tired of the story.. I was ready for new relationship! My last real one was ended 3 years ago... She was never single after her 18th birthday.. She was with a guy for 4 years.. and then this guy... and then me! So I told her.. it's either now or never.. she agreed we can try and see how it goes...
Since I'm an IT, I replaced her work computer one week after we've been together.. We have to check the PC before we delete everything.. I saw a conversation she had with another female coworker saying about a guy at the gym she liked.. nothing more, nothing less.. It's a normal behavior.. We all do it at some point.. it doesn't mean we are in love with them.. we just liked what we saw..
Anyway.. I couldn't just tell her I saw the conversation.. so I kept my mouth shut! HUGE MISTAKE!!
For 3 weeks... I had so much pressure inside... We started fighting for stupid reasons.. nothing really serious.. it was like I lost my trust on her.. I was asking those stupid questions... putting pressure on her also.. I knew what was going on.. she didn't.. and she thought that's how I always am in my relationships...
After 3-week loooooooooooooooong fights, I decided to tell her what I knew.. I first asked her about that guy, and if she liked him.. she said "yes.. I like him.. is that so bad? it doesn't really mean anything.."! Then I told her about the conv I saw.. We had a long talk.. the night ended perfectly...
For the next couple of weeks all seemed perfect...
One day she went out with her girlfriends.. She didn't tell me where she went and with who.. I got a bit mad at her.. So I've put a huge pressure on her.. Next day she broke up with me..
lol, This is where it gets interesting as you basically had her going behind her boyfriends back, and now that you have her where you want her, you turn out to be an immature, insecure control freak, which goes well with being a master manipulator.
April 2010
1 week after the break-up.. she came back.. It lasted 1 week.. then again another break-up.. She invited me for dinner.. I went with flowers, dressing formally.. she instantly felled we are moving too fast... this one lasted 3 days..
Then we had our perfect month.. no fighting.. constantly seeing each other.. going out... movies.. sex.. staying at my place most the nights..
After that break up/make up, things go good for a while, and then..................,
MAY 2010
We had another stupid fight.. she came at my house one night.. asking me how I felt about "us"... I said we are doing OK.. and she said she had doubts.. As a good boyfriend I was.. I should have have hugged her and kissed her and told her "everything will be ok"... instead we had another massive fight and me asking all those stupid why questions...
Again, we broke up.. it lasted 3 days.. she declined the breaking up.. she said she only wanted some time to calm down...
More break up/make up/break up, are we seeing a pattern?
JUNE2010
Just one week after the last breaking up.. the final one came.. We had a nice week.. I was calmed.. loving.. giving her space within the relationship.. one day she asked me if we'll meet during the night.. I said "No, if you don't tell me you love me and you miss me"... she said "You know I like showing these things in person..".. So I got mad again.. one thing let to another.. we broke up again...
We had nice long talk though.. mature one.. and then we cut contact for 2 weeks... When she called me for my birthday, we agreed to meet when we get back to our town (we were both away during that time)..
More break up/make up/break up, are we seeing a pattern?
JULY2010
The meeting went well last Thursday.. we had a mature talk.. we both agreed she needs space and time.. she needs time with her self.. she never had that time before.. she loves me.. she thinks of me.. she believes we are perfect together but it was bad timing... I was ready for something new.. she wasn't...
When she got the feeling that girls are flirting with me.. she started crying.. she said she knew how easily is to lose me and that I attract many girls... and she prefers not to know what's going on.. this only makes her want to fight and win me back even if we both know it's not a good time right now..
Finally starting to see what was obvious and waving red flags since, August 2009


Anyway.. we agreed on space and time.. I don't know the length of it.. I don't know if she meets another guy (she told me I am the only one.. she doesn't care about anyone else.. but I also know this is just dust in the eyes... )! I do want to be with her.. IF the timing was right.. then we would both be ready for something new and things would have been much better..
Your right if you hadn't both been caught in lust she would have probably still been with her b/f., and you would have been sniffing elsewhere had you just followed the flags and backed off.
Is there anyway that we would both me ready at some point in the future? Will she come back if I do certain things? What are those things? I want to be with her.. She wants to be with me.. but we both know if we do this again.. the same things would happen really soon...
Should I stay in some sort of contact with her? Cut all contact??
I need your expert advice...
Leave her alone to have a proper healing, and work on your own very obvious issues, so you both have a chance at being better people. Sorry to be so harsh, but its important you recognize and acknowledge the part you played in this drama. She is no innocent victim though, as I think she did her fair share of leading and baiting, but the bottom line is YOUR actions that YOU can control, no matter what she did.

Move beyond this experience, and do better next time. I remember your other post, and honestly was surprised by YOUR actions, as I thought you were a nicer guy than you showed here.

Thank you guys


PS: I am 29 year old male.. She is 24!

[TESTER2799]

Hi talaniman,

I remember you too..

Listen.. it's not that simple.. I agree on your comments based on what I wrote, but the issue is far more complex than this.. I would have written 3-4 pages just to explain what exactly was going on during the last year..

Flirting started from both parties.. she had problems with her relationship.. she needed an "initiative" to get out! I was that initiative.. Her ex knew every single detail from the beginning.. even if it was just lunch breaks.. And I was honest from the beginning too.. that I wanted more than friendship..

I agree on the immature, insecure etc etc... I know my mistakes.. But it was a chain reaction.. based on multiple actions that made me lost my trust on her for a while..
I am working on my issues right now.. I know it will take a while for me to fully understand what happened and why things turned like this at the end.. I'm not that immature as the story above shows..
I also know I made a mistake by entering between her and her ex! Their problems though started before she met me.. but still.. it was a mistake..

I now need my time and space to fully work on my issues.. Last two weeks (that we had no contact) helped me work on myself.. I know she is doing the same for herself...

Do you think it's a lost case? I mean.. we did start under the worst circumstances.. We both know that! That's why we need time and space apart.. to both calm down, and see our mistakes.. but is it a lost case?

Thanks

Ps: I'm not that bad as you think.. :)

[talaniman]

You set yourself up as a rebound, and that's something you should have seen coming and known not to pursue her at all. And its not that complicated as you started the process of her jumping from one guy to another, and finally dumping you too.

Don't you know after a proper healing the chances of you wanting each other is very slim for either of you. Because you will both be emotionally healthier to see other options, and opportunities.

[positiveparent]

Rebounds never work or very rarely, because they're only there to fill in time for the one on the rebound, to go from one relationship straight into another one is unhealthy, you have to deal with excess baggage from the relationship you're leaving first if you don't you'll carry it into that relationship, and it will just end up effecting it, detrimentally.

I think you both need to move on and go no contact. And leave it at that, this relationship wasn't built on firm foundations, part of her past relationship is there in it. Its full of excess baggage and its on rocky ground and always has been always will be.

This girl needs time to explore life and living it, she's been in too many long term relationships too soon, and hasn't given herself time to get fully over each one before jumping into the next, she's not ready to settle down yet with anyone.

[vanheart]

Listen to talaniman.

Lots of red flags.

I bet you were feeling good when her boyfriend was out of the picture. ("I was ready for new relationship!")
Now you're out. See the irony?

A good lesson to be aware of your intention & other's.

Walk way from this one.

Im all for flirting, but don't pursue girls with bf's.

Take some time to really know someone first.
Not rushing foolishly.

[TESTER2799]

I hear you all! I know you are right!

We've had chat last night! She invited me to her place, but I didn't go! I told her I had to take my grandmother somewhere..
Anyway, she called me later in the night and we talked about one hour:
- Next weekend I'm going camping with some friends.. she doesn't know them, but she heard a lot about them! I invited her.. my friends want to meet them.. She seemed excited about the idea.. but she asked me if I'm going to be OK if she comes as we are not together now.. if it's going to be awkward.. I said I will be OK.. and she'll think about it.

- She is having fun.. I am having fun.. she meets new people, flirting (natural reaction to feel better about themselves as she told me), she likes spending time with herself, family and friends and not worrying about anything.. She is not the kind of person to sleep with anyone at anytime..

- She said she haven't met a guy to make her feel the way she felt and feels about me.. Or to get interested in a guy like she did on me... this tells her a lot but it's too soon
Though..

- She thinks about me, and she got excited when I sent her a text message in the morning telling her that I have an interesting proposition to make (to invite her to camping).

- Her last ex called her during the weekend.. they talked about general things.. like work and personal life etc.. She told me that she felt like she was talking with a good friend of hers that they hadn't talked for a while.. no feelings at all.. she asked the question to herself "could I be with him again?".. and an immediate answer was "absolutely never!".. This means she is over him.. if she felt anything she would told me.. she is very honest girl.. I've tested her honesty many times before.. and she is not afraid to tell me anything.. She also stated that I wasn't just a rebound.. again, she would told me if I would (at some point during the last months she admitted that at first she thought I might be her rebound.. but it lasted like 1 week... )

- We agreed again that the problem was bad timing! She wasn't ready..

- She wants to be with me.. she doesn't want to lose me.. but we need time apart to save what ever can be saved.. If we continued like that, we are sure at some point a major fight would occur and then never talk to each other again... Basically her thought is "if you want something from this guy in the future, back off NOW!!!"

- She asked if others girls are flirting with me.. I said yes.. she admitted she got kind of jealous..


As for your comments:

I know the red flags were there from the beginning! The relationship was never build on firm foundations.. we agreed on that several times during our conversations.. but we want to be together and we don't want to lose each other.. Time! We need time and space right now.. If she comes on camping, we'll just have fun.. I will never pursue something more.. We both know we can't be friends due to the feelings we have for each other.. so we'll see how it goes!
As for her ex.. we started flirting a bit.. as soon as she realized my intentions she told me she had a boyfriend.. I backed a little back.. still chatting with her.. and she told me they have problems and she doesn't see any future on him.. that's why I stayed there.. I never suggested to break up with him and be with me.. NEVER! In fact, I was giving this guy credit when they had problems...