[elwoodb]

Well here's a great example as to why no contact should not be broken, well she's worked out my work number and called me. God dammit! Oh well she's now driving up tonight to help go through the crap, she was actually semi nice to me asking how I was... My reply 'sh*t'. Goals for tonight, avoid anything to do with why we brokeup, I've decided I don't want to know what happened, she had her opportunity to tell me she can know deal with the guilt of treating me like crap. So I'm going to get the job done, protect myself and walk away with as little battle damage as possible.

Wish me luck!

[kaka67]

Wish me luck!

Good luck :D

But do you have to be there?

I think she's just using this as a ploy to get to you. Not in a nice way either.

Stay strong. It's the actions not the words that count.

[ISneezeFunny]

Agreed with kaka.

My ex, who left me for another guy... 6 months later came calling because she still had something of mine (a mini-fridge), and said she wanted me to come by and take it.

I recognized the ploy, so I told her to give it away or sell it, her call. She refused, so I just... left it. She gave it away.

[elwoodb]

Well that was the most surreal experience of my life... So she arrived and needless to say I wasn't the most social person on earth. Got all the boxes sorted out with everything now separated. She kept saying that the whole thing was weird, it was but I've never done that before either. It's hard to go into details about it all tonight as I have to get some sleep but we did end up having a rather long talk covering everything, no arguments at all. Very odd, I'll explain tomorrow.

I feel very sad and have cried a lot but sleep will do me good!

[Imabadman]

Well elwoodb my perception thus far has been that you've been hoping exactly for this to happen. You say you don’t want to see her but come on… secretly you’ve been hoping for this all along. The adage, “Be careful what you wish for.” definitely fits the bill this time.

At this point the only advice I can give you would be to keep your guard up. Try to remain unaffected, a poker-face if you will. Don’t start blubbering about the break-up, her going off to spend holidays with other guys, how you miss her, or pledging your undying devotion & love.

I know you’ve got these hopes and expectations that she’s coming back and everything will be all better… I strongly urge you elwoodb not to make any rash actions towards this.

Good luck buddy.

[fireguy40]

Just wanted to say keep going mate, it gets better

[Imabadman]

Seems my message was too late to do any good.

Well I hope you can now let this go and move on.

[positiveparent]

I hope you haven't succumbed Elwood, come back and update us when you can. Be Strong..

[vanheart]

Well, now that you got this over, you can truly go NC.

I suggest you also remove any and all reminders of her. (Letters, pix, emails, whatever... )

She is no longer in your life, so try to focus on everything else but her.

Now your free again.

[kaka67]

I feel very sad and have cried a lot but sleep will do me good!

That's why the advice is always to cut contact as it keeps you from being on the emotional whirlwind.

But as someone who has just finally ended a 13 year relationship, I can assure you it does get better.

One day at a time.

[elwoodb]

Ok folks sorry about the delay so as I said last night we had a talk, we bad both presumed that it would be a fight. Didn't pan out like that thankfully.

I'll try and start at the beginning, she asked me about my job and how it was going (my career is a disaster at the moment, a long story but I figure I'll lose my job in the next two months). It then got on to the relationship, and the major hurdles we had failed to navigate, her putting her career on hold the demands my career was placing on the relationship the social isolation that we both suffered from and also for me her relationship with the ex boyfriend. My best description of the conversation was that it was more like a debrief, the pros and cons of what actually happened. How the connections between each other we were working and then at some levels ultimately failed. We talked about the uncertainty that my job had placed on our future, causing both of us severe stress and in turn led to her bitterness and me being torn between her and my dream job (ultimately leading to failure in both). We talked about her meeting the guy, she said nothing happened she had no feelings for him and that he didn't make a move on her.

Other events, such as not acknowledging the flowers I had sent her on our anniversery, me having nightmares of her having sex with this guy the text and the ultimate breakdown in trust caused by this as well was discussed. I don't think she had realized how much all of that really hurt me until last night. We talked about how I was copeing with it all, I said I was copeing and only really starting really deal with the situation in the last week. I asked how she was going, she said that she was trying not to think about it and doing 12 hour work days to exhaust herself so she didn't have too. Her thoughts were to trying to make me a villan in her mind, but she couldn't because I had treated her so well. She also said that in 6 months time she will probably deal with it and realize how much of a mistake she's made.

I told her there's no turning back, neither of us should be in a relationship for a long time and that we gave it our best shot and that I've learnt a lot from it. It was for both of us our first long term committed relationship, so I guess we will both do better with our next partners (as tough as it feels to admit it). There are a few other learning points as well, we did everything together which is great but we both had lost our independence, I think this was a hangover from the long distance i.e. the spend every second together syndrome. We also allowed the relationship to stall, and neither of us really tried hard enough to get us moving again. Also that no contact gave us both a lot of time to think and calm down, so we could both get some decent closure out of it all.

Received this text last night:
I'm home now. And its hit me. Didn't take 6 months after all. I must have matured

I told her to get some sleep she will feel better in the morning.

So that's it, I've gotten some closure, I'm back into no contact. Time to get myself back on track. I'm devastated never thought it would pan out like this ( she said the same thing last night), the one thing that has really hit me today is that I'm never going to talk to the closest friend I've ever had again.

Thanks for everything guys, back on the no contact train!

[vanheart]

"I'm home now. And its hit me. Didn't take 6 months after all. I must have matured"

See, you should have went NC. She just wanted her stuff back. Told you.

What's good is that you never have to be hurt again by her again.

Dude, she isn't a friend. Friends don't do that.

[positiveparent]

Well Done Elwood, you have made the right decision, and in time you too will look back on this and see it all much clearer.

You will have other best girl friends to talk to, and you will in time go on to meet that special lady whose out there Im sure waiting for you to find her, just don't look too hard, Love seems to know when you're looking for it and evades you.

Well done you really are doing great, post here anytime and please let us know how things go for you. We`re here for you anytime.

Good Luck, you're going to make some lucky young lady an excellent husband.

[elwoodb]

Thanks positive parent, I know it's a long road ahead but it will take time. I may still have to see her one more time, depends on if I am required to be there for the removal of her furniture (organized by work may be ordered to be there). She sent me a text tonight, asking about a trinket she gave me that ended up in the stuff she took back I'm ignoring the text. This should all be sorted out soon.

Thanks to everyone for helping me out!

[elwoodb]

Well I've had a crappy day, seems I'm getting shafted. So was organizing the removal today, turns out that work will pay for her removal, which is great but I have to move out of the house because I've lost my entitlement to live there. But I have to pay for my removal! I am not impressed. Anyway email the information off to her, and for some stupid reason tell her that I'm confused by what she's been saying (she's been making comments on her fb, still Can't bring myself to block her until her crap is out of the house) and the text. Well she texts me asking why would I be confused, I'm dumb and reply. God I'm so dissapointed in myself, looks like I have to learn the no contact lesson AGAIN. What a crappy day!

[talaniman]

Don't be so hard on yourself. If you were perfect, you would be truly unique among the rest of us flawed humans. We make mistakes and some are bigger than others.

The trick here is to keep moving forward, and not let one lousy mistake get you down. You will have plenty of chances to correct that mistake in the future, no doubt.

[elwoodb]

I know what you mean tal, still feel like a chump though! The text I sent in reply to her why am I confused txt was along the lines of 'because the next day you posted the lyrics to 'need you now' the day after the '6 months' text.' Anyway didn't get a reply until this morning (woke me up) Here's what she said:
That song was playing constantly when I was in the States and I had it stuck in my head is all.

I haven't bothered to reply, I know she was out on the town last night, she had told me that and she had posted on fb via phone after I had sent my last text. So why wait until 7am on a Saturday after a big night out to text me? I have a feeling that I'm been played again and I feel like an idiot (which I presume was the point).

[positiveparent]

Hi Again Elwood
This with the ex is to be expected she knows which buttons to push, and will push them to whenever she wants some attention even if its negative.

She possibly annoyed because you are being so mature and adult in how you're dealing with this, she possibly thought, hoped and wanted you to go running after her, so she could then pick you up and drop you at her leisure.

Which you haven't done and as a result she is being more than awkward.

You'll have to start NC again, and really take her off your fb page and anything at all connected with her.

The sooner you're totally NC the better and the sooner you'll begin to heal and get over her, the longer you have any kind of contact though will just serve to keep you stuck in that bad place, and it'll also feed the negativity of it all. So as soon as you can stop all and any contact with her or anyone who even knows her in passing the better for you.

Keep up the NC, in time it'll get much easier.
Im sorry you've lost your place to live over this, all things though happen for a reason.

Sending you Positive healing vibes. And Rooting for you to get over this soon...

[ISneezeFunny]

Don't beat yourself up about it. We've all made mistakes like that.

Keep making those mistakes, though... and tal's going to kick your behind. Trust me. I speak from experience.

[elwoodb]

Thanks pp that's what I thought she was up too, I have been quiet restrained with it all, I've had to bite my tongue a lot! I think last night was her first night out being single, she probably had a bad night, hence a press of my button this morning. Wrong button though, all it does is justify staying well clear of her. If she wants a button that works, she's got to hit my caring button, but as time is going on that's getting smaller and harder to find. The thing is she knows that I wanted to marry her, so she knows that my feelings aren't going to disappear over night, so I'm guessing she thought I'd be there when she got back. She's the one that's going to have to learn some harsh lessons out of this as well, whilst mine are more harsh I have also been forced to learn quickly. I don't feel any guilt I gave it my best shot, I don't think she can say the same thing. Well there's my blow of steam for the day speech!

Losing the house the house isn't a huge issue, before I joined up I once lived out of a swag for 3 months. I'll probably get sent back onto base, free gym, cheap good food, Ticks most boxes really! It will take a bit before I adjust to single life, I didn't need someone to make me happy beforehand don't think that will be any different now.

All the best!