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    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #1

    Jun 28, 2010, 08:29 PM
    Need your critique
    Hi everyone. I just saw a contest in my local paper. They're asking people to send in their short stories, essays, anything that they've written. The prize is $100 and the chance to write an article every month for their paper.

    I wrote this little essay which I plan to send in. I could use some critique. They're looking for something entertaining, something that many people can relate to, something fun. Grammar isn't as important as content, but if you feel the need to correct my many grammatical errors, knock yourself out. ;)

    Anyway, here it is. Be honest, you won't hurt my feelings, really. :)

    Before I became a mom
    I was supposed to be the perfect mom.

    My kids would never have a meltdown in a public place because I said not to a toy.

    My kids would never burp at the dinner table, nor would they swear.

    My kids would keep their rooms immaculate. They’d help around the house without being asked.

    My kids would never shove a Barbie shoe up their nose, nor would they cut their own hair.

    Perfect grades in school, perfect attendance. They’d excel at everything will little effort on my part.

    My kids would never fight, and they’d never utter the words “I hate you”

    My kids would never cry at the top of their lungs in a restaurant.

    Sleeping through the night at 2 weeks of age, potty trained at 2 years.

    Trips would be a breeze, and my “no” would be accepted without question.

    These were not unrealistic goals, before I became a mom.

    The day I brought my first born home, I was prepared to make my plans a reality. Reality had other plans.

    My wonderful son was sleeping, crying, or pooping. He did nothing else, and he never did these things when expected. I truly believed that a child of mine would be instantly comforted when I put him in my arms. Not so. One would think that after 9 hours of crying, he’d get tired, fall asleep.

    He eventually settled into a routine. He slept through the night at 2 months, which I later learned is quite good. Sadly he was a colicky baby, and every bit of food he ate, half would come back up, usually on me.

    At one point I was so tired that I almost threw him down the laundry shoot instead of the laundry I had in my other arm. I needed help! This wasn’t supposed to happen when I became a mom.

    At the age of 2 he caused such a fit in a store that I had to leave, muttering, “the condoms are in aisle two” to the 3 teenage girls that were staring at us.

    At the age of 6 my son burped, his father rated it an 8 out of 10, and since then, he’s been trying to beat his record.

    Two weeks ago I went into my daughters room to get her laundry, and I’m very sure that something grunted under her bed. I don’t know whether to call the exterminator or buy a cage and name it.

    When Sydney was 3 she shoved a small toy up her nose. Even though I was positive that I knew how to remove it (plug the clear nostril and blow into her mouth) my husband had me doubting myself, so off to emergency we went. Four hours later the doctor came in, plugged the clear nostril, blew in Sydney’s mouth, and out popped the toy. There’s four hours of my life I’ll never get back. That same week Sydney decided she wanted shorter bangs. We now lock up the scissors.

    School just ended, report cards have been read. I love my kids, but they’re both going to have jobs with names on their shirt reading “welcome to (place name of outlet here), my name is (place name here)”.

    Sometimes I feel more like a referee then a mother. If my kids don’t come inside every hour to tell me that so and so hit this and that, and whosit called her a name, I would get worried that they both may be dead or kidnapped.

    When Jared was 1 month old, we went to a restaurant. Half way through the meal he started screaming. Nothing I did worked. He didn’t want to eat, his diaper was dry, and he had just woken up so he wasn’t sleepy. A young couple (no kids) sitting next to us just stared as if I was the worst mother in the world. All I could say was “Here’s my phone number, when you have kids, call me to apologize”.

    After almost 4 years of changing diapers, pull-ups, and washing more pants then everyone in my neighborhood owns, finally it clicked and we did pee and poo in the potty. I threw a party. It was possibly the happiest day of my life.

    The last long car trip we went on Jared was 4, Sydney was 10 months. It was a 14-hour drive to our destination. At the 3 hour mark I looked at hubby and said, “If you see a cliff, just step on the gas and go for it”.

    Every time I say “no”, the response is “why?” I swore I’d never ever dismiss them so casually. I swore I’d never utter the words “because I said so”. The phrase “because I said so”, is spoken anywhere between 30-1000 times a day in my house. The sad thing is, what I say doesn’t seem to matter.

    Before I became a mom I had a clean house, I had extra money, I had perky breasts. Before I became a mom I had dates with my husband, I had friends over to play cards, I had quiet trips to the mountains, Germany, Mexico, and Hawaii. I had one dog. Before I became a mom I wore makeup everyday, styled my hair, always wore clean underwear, never opened the door in my housecoat. Before I became a mom I had a slim waist, no stretch marks, no bags under my eyes. Before I became a mom I drove a sporty little red two-door vehicle, I now drive a minivan. Before I became a mom I didn’t have to cook if I didn’t feel like it. Before I became a mom, I had freedom.

    OMG, my kids just came up to give me a hug and tell me they love me. I wouldn’t trade being a mom for anything.
    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 822
    Dogs Expert
     
    #2

    Jun 28, 2010, 08:41 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Altenweg View Post
    nyway, here it is. Be honest, you won't hurt my feelings, really. :)

    Before I became a mom
    I was supposed to be the perfect mom.

    My kids would never have a meltdown in a public place because I said not to a toy.

    .
    That's the only thing that jumped out at me, but I am not the one to ask for grammar and spelling.

    I think it is sweet! Very nice story.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert
     
    #3

    Jun 28, 2010, 08:43 PM

    The title is the only thing that jumped out at you?

    Eek! I'm in trouble. ;)
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #4

    Jun 28, 2010, 08:43 PM

    I couldn't resist (btw, you'll win) --

    Before I became a mom

    I was supposed to be the perfect mom.

    My kids would never have a meltdown in a public place because I said no to their buying a toy.

    My kids would never burp at the dinner table, nor would they swear.

    My kids would keep their rooms immaculate. They'd help around the house without being asked.

    My kids would never shove a Barbie shoe up their nose, nor would they cut their own hair.

    My kids would have perfect grades in school, perfect attendance. They'd excel at everything with little effort on my part.

    My kids would never fight, and they'd never utter the words “I hate you.”

    My kids would never cry at the top of their lungs in a restaurant.

    My kids would sleep through the night at two weeks of age, be potty trained at two years.

    Trips would be a breeze, and my “no” would be accepted without question.

    These were not unrealistic goals--before I became a mom.

    The day I brought my firstborn home, I was prepared to make my plans a reality. Reality had other plans.

    My wonderful son was sleeping, crying, or pooping. He did nothing else, and he never did these things when expected. I truly believed that a child of mine would be instantly comforted when I held him in my arms. Not so. One would think that after nine hours of crying, he'd get tired, fall asleep.

    He eventually settled into a routine. He slept through the night at two months, which I later learned is quite good. Sadly he was a colicky baby, and every bit of food he ate, half would come back up--usually on me.

    At one point I was so tired that I almost threw him (instead of the laundry I had in my other arm) down the laundry chute. I needed help! This wasn't supposed to happen when I became a mom.

    At the age of two, he caused such a fit in a store that I had to leave, muttering, “The condoms are in aisle two” to the three teenage girls who were staring at us.

    At the age of six my son burped, his father rated it an 8 out of 10, and since then, my son's been trying to beat his record.

    Two weeks ago, I went into my daughter's room to get her laundry, and I was very sure that something grunted under her bed. I didn't know whether to call the exterminator or buy a cage and name it.

    When Sydney was three, she shoved a small toy up her nose. Even though I was positive that I knew how to remove it (plug the clear nostril and blow into her mouth), my husband had me doubting myself, so off to Emergency we went. Four hours later the doctor came in, plugged the clear nostril, blew in Sydney's mouth, and out popped the toy. That's four hours of my life I'll never get back. That same week Sydney decided she wanted shorter bangs. We now lock up the scissors.

    School just ended, and report cards have been read. I love my kids, but they're both going to have jobs with names on their shirts reading “Welcome to (place name of outlet here). My name is (place name here)”.

    Sometimes I feel more like a referee then a mother. If my kids don't come inside every hour to tell me that so and so hit this and that, and whosit called her a name, I would get worried that they both may be dead or kidnapped.

    When Jared was one month old, we went to a restaurant. Half way through the meal he started screaming. Nothing I did worked. He didn't want to eat, his diaper was dry, and he had just woken up, so he wasn't sleepy. A young couple (no kids) sitting next to us just stared as if I was the worst mother in the world. All I could say was ,“Here's my phone number. When you have kids, call me to apologize”.

    After almost four years of changing diapers, pull-ups, and washing more pants then everyone in my neighborhood owns, finally it clicked, and we did pee and poo in the potty. I threw a party. It was possibly the happiest day of my life.

    For the last long car trip we went on, Jared was four, Sydney was ten months. It was a fourteen-hour drive to our destination. At the three-hour mark, I looked at Hubby and said, “If you see a cliff, just step on the gas and go for it”.

    Every time I say “no”, the response is “why?” I swore I'd never ever dismiss them so casually. I swore I'd never utter the words “because I said so”. The phrase “because I said so” is spoken anywhere between 30-1000 times a day in my house. The sad thing is, what I say doesn't seem to matter.

    Before I became a mom, I had a clean house, I had extra money, I had perky breasts. Before I became a mom, I had dates with my husband, I had friends over to play cards, I had quiet trips to the mountains, Germany, Mexico, and Hawaii. I had one dog. Before I became a mom, I wore makeup everyday, styled my hair, always wore clean underwear, never opened the door in my housecoat. Before I became a mom, I had a slim waist, no stretch marks, no bags under my eyes. Before I became a mom, I drove a sporty little red two-door vehicle. I now drive a minivan. Before I became a mom, I didn't have to cook if I didn't feel like it. Before I became a mom, I had freedom.

    OMG, my kids just came up to give me a hug and tell me they love me. I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything!
    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 822
    Dogs Expert
     
    #5

    Jun 28, 2010, 08:44 PM

    Bahaha no, the one in bold. Lol. It says "not to a toy" when I am sure you wanted it to say "No to a toy".
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert
     
    #6

    Jun 28, 2010, 08:47 PM

    Thanks WG. I knew you'd come along. Now, other then the errors, what do you think of the story?

    Bella. Oops. All I saw in your quote was the title. I shouldn't have bolded it in red. ;)
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #7

    Jun 28, 2010, 08:50 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Altenweg View Post
    Thanks WG. I knew you'd come along. Now, other then the errors, what do you think of the story?
    Other thAn the errors, it's very, very good. Are you up to writing a column once a month? (I'll be your proofreader and editor.)
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert
     
    #8

    Jun 28, 2010, 08:53 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Other thAn the errors, it's very, very good. Are you up to writing a column once a month? (I'll be your proofreader and editor.)
    I'd be up to writing a column every week, but that's not what they're looking for.

    We can be a team. I'll tell stupid sappy stories, you fix all the mistakes I make. I love it. :)

    Edit: Than! Oh carp. I knew that! :o
    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 822
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    #9

    Jun 28, 2010, 08:55 PM

    Can I help too? I want to help! I can um.. make sure... uhh.. you I can make sure...

    Umm can I take a sabbatical?
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert
     
    #10

    Jun 28, 2010, 09:00 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell View Post
    Can I help too?? I want to help!! I can um.. make sure... uhh.. ya I can make sure...

    Umm can I take a sabbatical?
    You can go buy the printer ink cartridges. :)
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #11

    Jun 28, 2010, 09:01 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell View Post
    Can I help too?? I want to help!!
    We'll need drinks and snacks. Are you up to doing that? Cupcakes? Fudge? Pot roast?
    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 822
    Dogs Expert
     
    #12

    Jun 28, 2010, 09:05 PM

    YES! I can do that! Gee thanks Guys!! :) :) I won't let you down! I'll get all the supplies and make sure you guys have plenty of brain food and treats to keep you motivated!
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert
     
    #13

    Jun 28, 2010, 09:05 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell View Post
    YES!! I can do that! Gee thanks Guys!!! :) :) I won't let you down!! I'll get all the supplies and make sure you guys have plenty of brain food and treats to keep you motivated!
    While you're at it, do something silly or funny so I have an idea for my next article. :)
    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 822
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    #14

    Jun 28, 2010, 09:10 PM

    I'm on it!
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #15

    Jun 28, 2010, 09:20 PM
    It's great, Alty. :)
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #16

    Jun 28, 2010, 09:38 PM

    Alty write something about husbands. The dream you had and woke up mad cause you said the dream was so real.
    QLP's Avatar
    QLP Posts: 980, Reputation: 656
    Senior Member
     
    #17

    Jun 29, 2010, 01:49 AM

    It's great Alty. Hope you have sent it in. Good luck...
    Catsmine's Avatar
    Catsmine Posts: 3,826, Reputation: 739
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    #18

    Jun 29, 2010, 02:27 AM

    WG fixed everything. That was what... 3 errors? Send it. We can all provide silly kidlet anecdotes when you run out.

    Then there's puppy stories. For instance, the Hurricane has decided she wants to lay under the patio slab to cool off. She got down about eighteen inches and 2 feet square before she got distracted by someone coming in the front door. It took her about 15 minutes.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert
     
    #19

    Jun 29, 2010, 10:55 AM

    Thanks everyone.

    The fun part about all of this would be that each story is just for entertainment, not news, so I can write about anything I want (within reason). ;)

    More good news. I just got an email from the influenza campaign I worked for last year. They want me back for this year. Yay! Only October, November and December, but still, that's great.

    If I get the job at the paper, I'll finally get some regular income coming in. Not a lot, but a little extra spending money is always welcome, you know, for those luxury items like toilet paper, shampoo, food. ;)
    Just Dahlia's Avatar
    Just Dahlia Posts: 2,155, Reputation: 445
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    #20

    Jun 29, 2010, 11:04 AM

    I like it! Send away:D

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