[beautifulescape]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for several months and are very much in love. About six weeks ago, one of his female friends decided to tell him that she was falling in love with him and that she needed to be away from him to get over it. She also asked him not to tell me, which he did anyway. He made it clear that he was with me, that he loved me, and that wouldn't change. BTW, we are almost done with college, she is a few years younger than us.

Instead of not coming around, she would come around his apartment every single day for hours, but not to hang out with him supposedly, instead to hang with his roommates whom she's friends with. This made me very uncomfortable. Her behavior was also very awkward and strange around me(obviously jealous) and him yet she would still invite him to go hiking and stuff with her and a few other friends which frustrated me to no end.

Finally after a few weeks he confronted her and told her that they needed some time apart and that he didn't understand the way she was acting and why she was coming around when she said she would stop. He moved to another apartment, which he had been planning on doing before this happened.

She still comes around the new apartment occasionally with his friends. Apparently she had been whining about not getting to see him anymore. She also would tell his old roommates how much she wants him and that if he were single she would have gone for him, laid it all out on the table, and made him decide if he wanted to be with her.

He still hangs out with her sometimes when he is with his friends and she's around because he doesn't want to have to avoid seeing his friends. I feel so uncomfortable with the situation, but I don't know what to do. She still doesn't know that I know.

Please, somebody give me some insight! I've never felt more lost in my life. My boyfriend thinks that she won't try to steal him because she knows he doesn't want her. I just feel so uncomfortable with them hanging out because I don't trust her intentions, even though I trust his.

[friend4u178]

He was honest with you and told you , he also made an effort to move so she doesn't see him as much , so respect that and trust him. He will respect you so much more than if you go all jealous on him and start questioning his/her whereabouts etc.

If it really bothers you that much tell him how you feel , but I think it would be a mistake to try to stop him seeing his friends.

[Fr_Chuck]

There can be at times other women who may wish to date men in the work place, at schools, or just friends, who confuse relationship.

It sounds like he is handling it as well as he can.

At the end of the day you will either have to trust him or not

[talaniman]

You don't have to trust her intentions, just his. He has been very honest so don't worry about how he handles himself as obviously he can.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/emotio...st-482123.html

Kind of obvious too, your insecure about other females. I suggest you get over that feeling, and learn to cope a lot better with your own fears, and insecurities.

[parisrose]

You have nothing to worry about. He has told her how he feels.
He obviously loves you a lot.
There will always be problems like this in a relationship, but you are lucky to have a great man who loves you a lot.

[asking]

Your boyfriend sounds really nice. It seems like he's been up front with you and made an effort.

That said, I don't think it would be totally unreasonable for him to not have her over at his apartment--at all. I think she's lost that right. It's not clear to me why the friends have to be with her every second and they could choose between him and her now and then. I'm not saying at their apartment, but at least at his. I think it's creepy for her to be there.

She's certainly made enough trouble to deserve the unbearable torment an occasional night without seeing your boyfriend and their mutual friends. If she wanted everything to stay the same (which she clearly didn't), she should have kept her mouth shut. She gambled and lost. She was trying to steal your boyfriend and I don't see why you should have to put up with having her continuing to hang around in his apartment in this brazen way.

I realize this is a minority position. You could take the high ground and treat her kindly but distantly But I see no reason why people like her should make other people (like you and your boyfriend) unhappy. What exactly is at stake if she is occasionally excluded?

Or you could go the other way and make a point of being at these little get togethers, sitting in your boyfriend's lap and staring pointedly at her until she gets uncomfortable and goes away. I'm a great believer in mate guarding, which is completely natural in both humans and other animals. :)

[positiveparent]

Im personally flattered when another female likes my Man, because I also know its me he comes home to everyday, and me he wants to spend his life with, have children with and be with.

It feels good knowing I have a man others like.

I don't understand though how come your b/f hasn't asked her to lay off and to stop making her advances to him or making her desires known in a more determined and firm manner.

However he has told you about this, and if you start getting all jealous and clingy you'll drive him away, men aren't too keen on being clung to or feeling they cannot move or have female friends.

Maybe you're over seeing this because of his telling you about it.

Have a word with him by all means, but realise you cannot stop him having female friends, you have no rights of ownership upon him, he is with you and has told you about this other girl, so I should leave it at that.

If he's going to go off with another girl, any girl you wouldn't be able to stop him anyway, but you can stop making waves in your relationship with him right at this time by ignoring this other girl and letting sleeping dogs lie.

Don't push him away by becoming jealous and suspicious.

[talaniman]

The last thing she should do, is make this about HIM, and HIS actions, and not about HER, and HER actions.

He is handling his business the right way in my view.

[asking]

I'm not entirely convinced he should have shared this with the OP. But that's water under the bridge. I do agree it's NOT about him. But beautiful clearly gets that.

I think if the roles were reversed here and a young guy was complaining that an older guy was actively and openly pursuing his girlfriend and hanging out at her apartment, the answers here would have been more sympathetic to the whole concept of DOING something about it.

[talaniman]

I think if the roles were reversed here and a young guy was complaining that an older guy was actively and openly pursuing his girlfriend and hanging out at her apartment, the answers here would have been more sympathetic to the whole concept of DOING something about it.

Then my advice would be trust her to handle HER business. But you make an interesting point, as the perception of doing something to remedy a situation like this is, as problematic as doing nothing.

I know she feels like more could be done, and it would probably be a lot more reassuring if he publicly rejected the other girl. Which he probably does, but I know many husbands who would not be satisfied with just a rejection of the sort.

Mostly it's a fear or insecurity that drives such reactions, and sometimes beyond reason, and I think in this case, that's what drives the OP"s dilemma. Her feelings must be resolved within her own mind, given her written posts.

[asking]

Hey, tal. At some point it would be great to have a thread about jealousy generally. Today is not good for me, as I have a work deadline. But I have been thinking lately that jealousy is so often treated as an unnatural or bad emotion. I'm actually not sure what I think, but I do know that it's pretty innate. Other animals experience it too and take measures to deal with it. Do we want to act like animals? No! But, on the other hand, do we need to pretend that ever feeling jealousy is just sinful or a sign of mental problems or deep insecurity? To me, that's like thinking that sexual feelings are sinful or neurotic. It is normal to have these feelings. The question is what's the best way to cope with the situation? I think it would be useful to explore this at some point.

[Cat1864]

I think you need to take a step back and look at the progress that has been made.

He still hangs out with her sometimes when he is with his friends and she's around because he doesn't want to have to avoid seeing his friends.

'Sometimes' is a big qualifier on how often he hangs out with her. 'Sometimes' means occasionally or not often. Realistically, how much time is she around as compared to eight weeks ago?

He isn't hanging out with her. He is hanging out with his friends and she is around. How often does he hang out with his friends when she isn't tagging along?

I applaud both of you for keeping the drama down. Nothing tears friendships up and creates more bad feelings than relationship drama intruding on the group and causing people to chose sides.

It may seem like this has been going on for a lifetime, but six weeks isn't very long.

[Kitkat22]

If she can get him, let her have him. I don't think she can, but if you don't trust him... who knows.

[positiveparent]

To OP, if you and your b/f are settled and happy together I do feel I need to ask, why do you feel the need to post on this site. Is there something perhaps you are missing out here.

It would seem you are bothered / threatened by this other girl.

Why when he has told you he wants you, and has rejected her advances.

What is it about this other girl that threatens you, my SO in times past has had females drop love notes into his suit jacket or waistcoat pockets, shirt pockets, one even deliberately left lip stick on his shirt once, she pulled him to her and planted one on his shirt, I think she hoped to cause trouble. My SO used to run a night club so I had this often.

I ignored it all of it, I helped burn the love notes, and just took no notice, and in doing that nothing more came of it, had I made a noise about it though I would have then sown seeds of doubt in my own mind.

I feel you would do well to ignore this other female and trust your man he's told you all about it. And done what he can to put a stop to it. I would recommend you do the same, don't let her come between you.

She would possibly love it, but why give into her silly games. Ignore her and enjoy your man...

Its her loss don't let it become yours too.

[Kitkat22]

To OP, if you and your b/f are settled and happy together I do feel I need to ask, why do you feel the need to post on this site. Is there something perhaps you are missing out here.

It would seem you are bothered / threatened by this other girl.

Why when he has told you he wants you, and has rejected her advances.

What is it about this other girl that threatens you, my SO in times past has had females drop love notes into his suit jacket or waistcoat pockets, shirt pockets, one even deliberately left lip stick on his shirt once, she pulled him to her and planted one on his shirt, I think she hoped to cause trouble. My SO used to run a night club so I had this often.

I ignored it all of it, I helped burn the love notes, and just took no notice, and in doing that nothing more came of it, had I made a noise about it though I would have then sown seeds of doubt in my own mind.

I feel you would do well to ignore this other female and trust your man hes told you all about it. and done what he can to put a stop to it. I would recommend you do the same, dont let her come between you.

She would possibly love it, but why give into her silly games. Ignore her and enjoy your man....

Its her loss dont let it become yours too.

Good advice!

[beautifulescape]

I don't want to let it become my loss too. In fact, I realized how much it was getting to me and that I shouldn't let it get to me. I'm a very sensitive person and to be honest I've gotten my heart broken before and had family issues dealing with infidelity so I'm sure the past influences my discomfort. I trust my boyfriend.. one of the first people I've trusted this much and it just makes me feel sick to think about this girl trying to steal him. I'm a good person who would never try and steal someone's boyfriend, and I gave this girl the benefit of the doubt before this happened so it was just shocking. I just feel like she needs to be ELIMINATED from the situation out of respect for me and our relationship, but that doesn't seem to be realistic.

[talaniman]

Hold your head up with class and know what you have, and don't let her win cheap, and easy, by breaking the trust you have for the guy that chose you.

[beautifulescape]

I forgot to mention that just today she called him wanting to know if all the friends were watching the world cup game at my boyfriend's place. Why she had to call HIM, well I don't know. Or maybe I do. In any case it was hard for me to do but I just bit my tongue and pretended like nothing was wrong. But I feel like she should not be contacting him.

[talaniman]

The question is what's the best way to cope with the situation? I think it would be useful to explore this at some point.

Jealousy is a product of FEAR, yours to be specific, and the best way to cope with that fear, is to not to get carried away by it, and act impulsively in your thoughts, and actions, by taking the time to find where that fear is coming from.

If its from the past, from events that made you have fear, from past failures, and losses, then use facts to fight that fear, and have the courage to face it, and deal with it, in mature, and positive ways.

Start by taking the FACT he has been straight, and honest in HIS actions, and behavior, and show him all the trust he deserves, and show her you don't worry about her being better than YOU. Because she is not.

Fear is just another feeling to cope with. Just like pity, for a poor girl who wants what she can't have. And love for the guy who doesn't want her. These are the facts that should give you the courage to over come your fear, and not let jealousy or past insecurities mess up the good thing you have now.

She can't come between you, only your fear that she will.

[positiveparent]

Have to spread the rep.

OP I too could have succumbed to fear when my SO would come home at 3am having worked until 2am at a Night club he co owned and managed, especially when I read some of the love notes that various women had conveniently dropped into his jacket or shirt pocket during the time the club was open,many of these notes he hadn't even noticed until he was getting ready for bed, I felt the odd pang of jealousy run through me a few times, I asked myself is he isn't he, however in my heart deep inside I knew that if I gave way to that fear if I gave it a life by allowing it to manifest in my mind then I really would have problems, and who ever had left those notes in his clothing would have got what they wanted, to rock the boat in my marriage by doing as they had done, I therefore refused to allow that fear to manifest and gave it no energy, it went away, and touch wood it hasn't returned.

Admittedly he no longer runs the club, he does though still oversee the doormen, and other staff, and the notes didn't stop just because I had chosen to ignore them many women have strange fantasies about other women's men, you just have to ignore them don't give them life or energy, dismiss those doubts, and insecurities and they will fade away they cannot live unless we give them the energy to do so.

I didn't once ask my SO if there was any substance in what the notes contained, I knew I could trust him, and you can also trust your Man, ignore this girl, ignore her attempts to get to you or to your man, trust him, and it will in time also go away, if you allow those doubts to manifest and grow then you'll be torturing yourself and doubting your partner, don't let them live tell them to go away, and they will, if you don't show your partner trust that's going to ruin all and anything you and he have together. Don't let that happen. Don't put yourself through that over some silly girl who can't accept rejection. That's all this with your b/f and she is, a fantasy.Well let her fantasise you've got the real thing, she can only dream...

Really you do need to tell yourself its all a load of bunkum, and all in her mind not yours...