[Will5342]

Hello. So I'll just start from the beginning. My parents divorced when I was 2 after a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. My mother says as a baby I never cried unlike my 4 years older sister who cried continuously. My father was very disciplinary being raised in an abusive family. His father hit his mother in front of him and his siblings all the time. His father was also very passively aggressive and mean. Both my father's parents retired as middle school principals (very strict). My mother's father was also very strict and beat my mom's mother to the point she committed suicide when my mother was 11. So as you can see there's a history of aggression. Moving on.. When I was in kindergarten I kicked my teacher until my father was called. My dad had a special 2x4 made for me. Growing up it seemed like I was always in trouble. The principal and my father would take turns. I had to stay at a daycare until late at night everyday with my sister because my father had to work late. I was always picked on and would fall asleep from sheer social stress as soon a my father picked me up. Since I was always acting out my father was always "whooping" me. Usually I couldn't sit down for a day or two. I remember once when I was whooped every night for a month. It got to the point where I was in permanent trouble. Which means dad being always mad and me being always guilty, afraid, sad, and playing stupid. My sister was always screwing with me too. Beating me up and manipulating me into believing every word she said and using it against me. Abusing my innocent trust. When I was in 5th grade my father decided I was retarded (I guess?). He made me read every book in the house and I realized I enjoyed learning. So I made the best grade in the school for the 5th grade. Being that I was in perma trouble for so long I forgot how to express me feelings of joy or share them with others. I also never missed one day of elementary school (thanks to dear ol dad!) even when I broke my arm. I remember specifically having a horrid fever when I was in 4th grade and not telling anyone because I thought I would get in trouble. Then the teacher wouldn't let me go to the nurse because she thought I was acting up again. This was the point that from anyone else's prospective I simple wanted people to feel sorry for me and was having a "pity party". Which was true, but I was also beginning to turn my anger and sadness inward. I'm pretty sure that's what they call a cry for help. So as I aged I didn't progress emotionally like my peers. Of course I wanted to be like my dad for I was his son. So I did what he did - show no emotion except anger, show no feelings of pain, become passively aggressive, manipulate people around me, and never talk about how you feel especially love. I don't blame him for being like this (yes I do), I understand his father was like that and he went down the same path as me. I didn't learn respect (except through fear), motivation (except through fear), feelings of self worth, or love of others. I made very few friends because I was an angry, passively aggressive, manipulative person. The only friends I made were people I could manipulate into feeling sorry for me (aka the kids with lower than normal IQ and ones with low self-esteem). When the time came for girls to stop having "coodies" I didn't have the ability to build a relationship with any of them, not having the emotional ability and being very judgmental of myself and others. When I was around 14 I drove a 4 wheeler through a barbed wire fence and cut a chunk of flesh out of my arm and neck at my friends house. My father arrived and just stared at me and I just stared at him. Neither of us knew how to take the situation. We just went home. I bleed for a few days while going to school until it healed. All of these years of suppressed emotions started to wear on me and I was becoming unable to cope. I was always pissed off and self conscious and every few months I would blow up at my dad and we would get into a fight. We never had a 2 sided conversation unless one or both of us was pissed off. My dad is a raging alcoholic and has no friends and has had little success with women. I started drinking at a young age and doing drugs. I became an alcoholic and would have to drive with one eye closed 3 or more times a night to get home. When I turned 17 I was at rock bottom. I could no longer control myself. I barely graduated HS and had no where to go so I joined the army. I did 4 years of hell but in the process learned a little about controlling myself and how to survive in a deep depression. My deployment was a good learning experience but I returned in an even darker state of mind. I have since gotten out of the army at age 21 and have been semi-successful with surviving on my own. For every 3 days I spend moping about laying in bed I have one decent day where I get some stuff done. But I am stuck in a depression. I have no feelings of gratification and I still have not had a meaningful relationship with a woman (yes I mean no sex). Every time I see a woman I am reminded of my sisters manipulation. I just kind of scrap through life full of hate and self-pity with a desire to do better but with all these bad personality traits that I have picked up growing up. I find myself constantly wanting to blame others like my father for my problems. I guess you could say I'm still in "perma trouble". Antidepressants don't work because they don't fix the underlying issues. I have tried to talk to counselors but they just try to shovel pills at me on the first visit and haven't done any good. Whenever I try to talk to people about my problems I get into this weird mindset where I try to manipulate them into feeling sorry for me. So yea. If you have read all this then wow. I'm typing this because I can't sleep because I'm supposed to spend the weekend with my friends starting tomorrow morning. Because there could be fun involved I am ruining it for myself. I hate myself. People say "just be yourself!". I have never had a chance to find out who I am. Maybe when I was like 4 I was myself. Who I am now, except deep deeeep down, is a wretched shell of a human being.

[dwilyn]

You sure don't sound like a wretched shell of a human being to me! For someone in his early 20's with essentially his whole life before him you come across as a deeply introspective, highly intelligent person deeply in touch with his feelings.
The overiding impression in your description of yourself is impatience. Totally to be expected at your age-I'm in my mid 70's-but you need to start channelling it.
Try to identify the things that you are passionate about. Music? Art? People? Cosmology? Self improvement? Relationships? Food? To name a few. Once you have identified some passions-get involved and follow them.
What is your educational level? High school? Start thinking about college or university. Have to work during the day? Go to night school, take continuing education or correspondence courses. Expand your horizons. You express yourself in a very articulate fashion and my sense is that you could handle college or university with little difficulty.
You spend a lot of time describing your upbringing years and I must admit that they certainly were difficult and challenging but hey! They are behind you and there is nothing you can do about the past except to learn from it.
However, there is a great deal you can do about what you are doing right now, what you will be doing 5 minutes from now, tomorrow, next week-you get the picture.
Make a plan for your life. Remember that one definition of depression is anger turned inwards and the exercise becomes how to get rid of the anger and replace it with good feelings about yourself. One of the easiest ways to feel good about yourself is to do something good for someone else-preferably without that person knowing about it. Find some person in need and help that person and then see how you feel.
Life plan? 1.Identify the issues of most concern to you RIGHT NOW! 2. Prioritize those issues. 3. Develop a plan to deal with those issues. 4. Implement the plan. Sounds simple and believe me, it really is. The toughest thing is just to get started. Good luck. You have a great deal of potential. Go for it!!
Dwilyn

[soho1]

Change what you do, how you respond, not who you are.

[aimee_tt]

Get yourself some counciling. Get yourself help that way you won't end up abusive like you father.

Once you get your head into gear the rest will fall into place.