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sosickndtired · Jun 22, 2010, 04:19 AM

My husband insists I cheated on him 5 years ago and I didn't . I told him all I did was work for my mom whom he thinks helped me cheat on him, this is a never ending battle and I'm ready to leave him, I can't stand his insecurities, I told him and tell him I didn't cheat , I think he did, and he feels better blaming me.

redhed35 · Jun 22, 2010, 06:07 AM

Has something happened in your time together to make him mistrust you?

Or has he always been this way.

Its very difficult to change someone's mind when they are convinced what they believe is true,even when faced with hard facts.

Suggest some marriage guidance for both of you,perhaps you can get to the root of the problem by this means.

JoeCanada76 · Jun 22, 2010, 06:48 AM

What does your mother have to do with this?

Maybe he is the one cheating?

If your both willing to go to counsel then that is great. If not, it is time to make a decision.

talaniman · Jun 22, 2010, 06:58 AM

Don't defend it at all. Tell him keep his BS to yourself because if he keeps bringing it up, he sleeps on the porch until he grows up.

You don't have to put up with bad behavior especially from an insecure, immature man(?), even if you are married to him.

If you have to remove yourself from this situation for a while, do it, and let him stew in his own juice.

sosickndtired · Jun 22, 2010, 07:54 AM

Originally Posted by redhed35

has something happened in your time together to make him mistrust you?

or has he always been this way.

its very difficult to change someone's mind when they are convinced what they believe is true,even when faced with hard facts.

suggest some marraige guidence for both of you,perhaps you can get to the root of the problem by this means.

No, nthing on my end happened, and yes he's always been this way,onlyn got worse when I went to work for my mom at a salon for hair, he them really started accusing me and I figured after 20 years let me try and tlk to him because what do I have to lose by this point, and it always turns into an argument, so I learned towalk away, and I even told him last night that if I did cheat I would have told him byn now and deep in my heart I think he did.

sosickndtired · Jun 22, 2010, 07:57 AM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

What does your mother have to do with this?

Maybe he is the one cheating?

If your both willing to go to counsel then that is great. If not, it is time to make a decision.

I don't know what my mother has to do with it he thinkis she was in on it meaning she helped me to cheat?? Lol... I suggested counceling and he first said yes now says no... this will happen again in 3 months biiiig fight over his own self. So sick of it don't no what to do so tired of defending myself to him, and like I said I think he did cheat and I tld him that and he turns it around on me...

redhed35 · Jun 22, 2010, 07:58 AM

Don't put up with his accusations any longer,he has trust issues,he thinks you cheated,and you think he protests too much.

The grief this is causing in your marriage,and for 20 years,your obviously well used to his behaviour and able to ignore it to a great extent.

If your ready to walk,walk,if he's ready to deal then marriage councilling

sosickndtired · Jun 22, 2010, 08:01 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Don't defend it at all. Tell him keep his BS to yourself because if he keeps bringing it up, he sleeps on the porch until he grows up.

You don't have to put up with bad behavior especially from an insecure, immature man(?), even if you are married to him.

If you have to remove yourself from this situation for a while, do it, and let him stew in his own juice.

Well I tried the whole not responding or defending myself to him, hard tom do, my girlfriend said the same thing to remove myself for a while, hard you no? This is my house, so sick and tired. Its hard to be with someone who truly believes I cheated when in reality I mnever did but last night I tld him when I do I'll let him no. lol. I think in my gut tells me he did, I tld him this and no reply he manipulated me into it being me. I swear to mgod I never cheated on him.

JoeCanada76 · Jun 22, 2010, 08:01 AM

It is obvious that he thinks that your mother is taking you away from him.

To accuse you of cheating all the time is well, not fair. If he refuses counseling then you need to go yourself.

Then decide to continue the marriage or not. How does he respond when you turn it back around on him and tell him he is probably the one that is cheating??

sosickndtired · Jun 22, 2010, 08:05 AM

Originally Posted by redhed35

dont put up with his accusations any longer,he has trust issues,he thinks you cheated,and you think he protests too much.

the grief this is causing in your marraige,and for 20 years,your obviously well used to his behaviour and able to ignore it to a great extent.

if your ready to walk,walk,if hes ready to deal then marriage councilling

What and how? How do I do this? Just up and leave? I think he needs to see what it's like not to have me around maybe? I can't stand him anymore and I tld him this that he makes me hate him although I no hate is a very strong word, I mean I do love him , but can't stand him, does this make sense?

sosickndtired · Jun 22, 2010, 08:09 AM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

It is obvious that he thinks that your mother is taking you away from him.

To accuse you of cheating all the time is well, not fair. If he refuses counseling then you need to go yourself.

Then decide to continue the marriage or not. How does he respond when you turn it back around on him and tell him he is probably the one that is cheating???

I stopped tlking to my family for a long time, and when I turn it around back on him that's when he says see you're the fckin cheater that I'm trying to turn it on him, you no what I mean?

JoeCanada76 · Jun 22, 2010, 08:13 AM

Why did you stop talking to your family?

There is a lot more issues and a bigger story here about the problems in the relationship.

sosickndtired · Jun 22, 2010, 08:20 AM

I stopped talking to my mother because he makes me or made me believe she was the problem, he's a control freak and I no this now, I'm 40 and he's 48 and we been together for 20 years and my kids are 20 and 21 now and I'm free to go back to work and do what I want to do, and I don't think he likes it But I don't care what he thinks no more and he knows this, I told him to leave and how can he be with me if he thinks I cheated? And he says he gets over it then he starts thinking again, you no I just can't take it no more he needs help. I been wit only him and one other person whom died on me at a very young age, I don't know what his insecurities are, I really don't, my kids even see it, my sons like how and why do I put up wit his BS

JoeCanada76 · Jun 22, 2010, 08:27 AM

I guarantee there were power struggles between your mother and your husband. That usually happens when couples get together and some parents are not willing to let their children go.

You have been married for a long time and you have adult children. You need to be able to do your own things. Without feeling guilty about it either from your mother or your husband.

sosickndtired · Jun 22, 2010, 08:29 AM

And your right, there the same kind of people and I'm so sick of it, don't want to deal no more with these types of people

JoeCanada76 · Jun 22, 2010, 08:32 AM

Then you need to make decisions to go in a direction that you want to go in. Not the direction from your mother or your husband but find what you want to do and make those choices and changes do be able to get it done.

Jake2008 · Jun 22, 2010, 11:24 PM

He thinks you cheated, and you think he cheated. You communicate on the level of a couple of six year olds. Never resolving issues, blaming the other, fighting, never getting past the issue. Now blaming your mother. He thinks there is some conspiracy going on here, is it any wonder she doesn't ask him over for lunch?

After 20 years of marriage, you are doing your own thing, he's doing his, and neither of you are on the same page.

Your children are grown, and even they see that their dad dishes it out, and you take it, and have probably taken it for many years.

Why do you stay, and what do you expect to happen if the two of you can't even agree there are problems that need to be addressed and resolved.

I'm not sure what you are expecting by way of answers here. If you want me to say that your husband is a dink, OK, your husband is a dink. But what does that make you. All you've done is complain about how miserable and sick and tired you are. Do you want out, do you want in, are you prepared to work hard to save your marriage? Is he?

I'm very unclear as to what direction you are going.

talaniman · Jun 23, 2010, 04:04 AM

I know where this is going, DIVORCE. It won't be long before some one gets so sick and tired of the BS, they leave.

sully123 · Jun 23, 2010, 04:31 AM

Control freak, not good. Doesn't trust you, no good. Curses at you, no good. Divorce him, your like in an emotional roller coaster. Your kids are grown, kick him to the ground, and get away from him. No one deserves that kind of treatment.

JoeCanada76 · Jun 23, 2010, 04:36 AM

Originally Posted by sully123

Control freak, not good. Doesn't trust you, no good. Curses at you, no good. Divorce him, your like in an emotional roller coaster. Your kids are grown, kick him to the ground, and get away from him. No one deserves that kind of treatment.

There are two sides to every story. They accuse each other of cheating. There are power struggles between the mother and husband. They are both controlling and she allowed it for many years. She needs to start leaving her own live and making her own decisions instead of letting both her mom and her husband telling her what she needs to do.