[_D6mi_]

Hey everyone!

I'm a newcomer - poster here, but been reading posts for quite a while and it's been very helpful. I'm a at a stage in my life and break up in which I really need assistance and advice. So here's my story...

I'm 21 years old. When I was 18 or so, I was in a relationship. First relationship ever. Everything was fine at the start. Crush etc, but she was a mentally ill person (can't recall the name of the illness) and she made me miserable and I couldn't leave when I wanted to so I stayed until it popped and she called and said she doesn't love me anymore. I was crushed, though I don't know why, I was unhappy and there was a lot of crap (sorry for the language, but that's the right word) in our relationship. So 3 weeks past, I was like a plant, was running like a little puppy around her, we've seen each other a couple a times on coffees and kissed and 2 weeks after, I met another girl and I went of with her, that's the real story...


She was an ex (if you can hell her that, it was pure 3 month bs) of my friend. She flirted with me and after a while we started dating. The relationship was a freaking fairytale, completely magical. She was emotionally more in the relationship at the start, not that I wasn't, but she was more, I needed time. There was some bad stuff, arguments and things, but that's normal, everything else was amazing, though she pressed me a lot to declare love to her. She cried that she wasn't enough for me and couldn't understand why I didn't say I love you. Eventually I did, but it was more of a forced tell, not that I didn't feel it, just I didn't want to say it lightly. Everything was going smooth, we we're mega in love, she never loved anyone as me, I'm her first (if you know what you mean) and she's doesn't take making love lightly. Tho after some time we went into a comfortable zone for some time. She came to my place, I came to her place, we would watch a movie or so, cuddle, go for a walk, cinema. We were totally into our relationship. She stopped hanging out with her friends, out of jelousy she broke off her best friend. She had only me. I had friends, still have 'em and I hung out with them often, but she pressed me. She always wanted to be with me and I couldn't tell her that I wouldn't be with her, because she was lonely and didn't have anyone else. I did want to be with her, but sometimes it was a load. She starts to be lonely, depressed. I was always there for her. She rings me, I'm sad, can you come? I grab my bike and fly over there, in 98% cases that happened.

And lets say 4 months ago, she says she has a ugly feeling and that she doesn't know if she should be with me. I was crushed, I loved, I still love her deeply, and tears went from my eyes. Unfortunately, I cried quite a few times in front of her and I realize that's not what a woman wants, but we were, at least I thought we were, out of that frame. So back to the story. She left my home and went to college. I was out of my mind at home and called her to ask her if we could meet after her class and she said yes. We meet and she started crying and asked whether I want her back and of course I said yes, because I love her. Everyone was fine, I thought it was fine. The one day, again, BAM! I have the feeling that we're not on the same wave lenghts. I'm crushed once more, since I thought we're over with that and tears flow through my eyes once again. I was pathetic, but I was so hurt. I said that I needed her and can't live without her, but eventually after an hour or two talking she left. I was crumbled again, to the bone. Received a text to check my mail in which I found her message saying that she's unhappy and that everything's crumbling around her, everything's dark and that was selfish of me to say stuff like "I said that I needed her and can't live without her" and that when she figures things out that she would love me in her life. I responded with a mail of love, respect and utter support with a huge "hug" sign (which was a trademark of our relationship) at the end. I felt comfort that night, that she knows that she has someone that loves her. Next day she calls me that I won her back with that hug and I accepted her back without thinking, what a fool you must be thinking, you are correct. Once again it happened, but this time I told her I can't do this anymore, we have to work together on this or end it, enough. We concluded that we're going to work together, slowly. Didn't work and after another break up reunion she left me. That day and the day before she didn't call or answer my texts, I knew what was coming and nevertheless I was crushed, broken and hurt again, for the what 4 - 5 time? The reasons were pretty much the same except this time it was that she's searching for the meaning of life and higher spiritual values which she can't accomplish with me. I was broken to pieces, the feeling of not being enough overwhelmed me, of being abandoned. For 3 weeks I was analizing every situation, blamed myself for not being good enough, searching for reason to blame myself for what happened. My dear friend and family listened to me rant every day. When I finally got some peace of mind, she contacted me and I couldn't resist cyin her which resulted in us somewhat being back together. She was in total disarray, I mean a total mess. 3 days later the same happens and for another 2 months, till now, we dragged and dragged and dragged. Everyone was so pissed at me for going back to her and was furious at her, but I always defended her. She would give a hint that she wants me and I would run to her like a dog and then she would retreat. When I wasn't ready to give love, she wanted me more. We got back together "for real" (yeah, you're probably laughing your of now, or at least in disbelief) and when I finally let myself in the relationship again (I was real careful about giving myself to her again) she left me again. We meet a couple of times, I was trying to get her back, she would always resist me, but in the end it would lead to a couple of kisses (once it led to something more) and eventually my disapointment as she would leave. Loads of thingies happened in between, mostly gentle talks with a hidden loving caring flavour behind it on both sides, but it ended yesterday for sure. We talked on msn, since we can't meet because it always ends the same and we said what we had to say. Mostly I talked 'bout how I love her and stuff and things that I can't believe she did, but she said the same and that she's sorry and that it was never her intention to hurt me, but she can't be my girlfriend. She wants me to be her friend. I'm not sure I can do that, I don't want to lose her forever, I've never had something so special. So we agreed on NC till I'm ready to contact her for friendship which I'm not sure when or will it happen.

I have my friends telling me "ditch the b****" on one side and her on the other side and it's driving me crazy. One day I "hate her" and her behavior and how she treated me and one day I understand her with love. I always understood her, what ever she did she ran into support and understanding. That's my downfall, I would do anything for her (even if I don't want to, I would do it to make her happy) and that combined with my low respect for myself and her selfishness ends up in a nasty mix. She started hanging out with her friends again and I'm really happy for her on one side and really pissed on the other side, she finds another crew and she drops me out? I know it's probably not like that, but it really makes me think. Am I really making a elephant out of a mouse? Is she not as good and wonderful as I think she is? How can I even think anything good 'bout her now, how can I believe anything she says, my brother asked me. I don't know...

I'm changing like a woman during her period and that has to stop (no offense ladies :) ). I'm so depressed, I mean really, like a sick person. If I see her, and I will this summer, she started going out where I'm mostly, I just crack completely, I go crazy. I hate it!! For 3 months I know for only pain in my heart, at least 90% of the time... Showing love and understanding brought only pain and so little satisfaction... I feel like I lost myself, that I was someone who I was not... So confused...

Ah, getting this written really helps... like a huge burden of my chest, though, it's going to be back in the morning most likely...

I would love any advice, any opinions, anything really... thank you in advance, for letting me be a part of this helpful community.

P.S. I apologize for the HUGE post :). Anyone who reads this should get a medal... ;)

[positiveparent]

Well Ive just read your post, so do I get the medal then LOL

Anyway to say deciphering your post was confusing is putting it mildly.

However I can cope! I take it you're in the off stage of this on and off relationship again?

So what should you do? First you go completely No Contact, and that means you don't answer her calls or texts, you don't email, or anything at all.

If she sends messages via friends ignore them, no matter what she does don't succumb.

You'll find out all there is involved with the rules of NC on this board in the "stickies" follow them to the letter.

I don't think your relationship with this girl is going anywhere, she seems somewhat immature, however in parts of your post, you appeared controlling but only slightly , in part where you say she dropped her best friend, don't do that with your g/f any g/f it's a bad habit to have, let your g/f in future be themsevles.

You seem to have some issues you need to work on like running back at her every whim, you have to command respect, or you won't get it.

That's about all I can say to you for now. Keep us informed about the NC progress. But really you must start this right now, and stick with it.

Good Luck.

[talaniman]

Pretty much what we all go through, we live, love, and lose, but after a bit of going through those darn break ups, you stop the end of the world stuff, deal with the hurt feelings and move on to the next frog to kiss and hope it turns into a princess.

Its called growing pains for a reason, and you do well to learn how to gracefully disappear when you get dumped.

Read the stickies and get with the No Contact program.
Don't forget my medal!!

[_D6mi_]

Hehe, medal sent :). I apologise if it was all stacked up, I wrote it as it came and tried to keep it readeable. Yep you got it right. Don't think there's going to be an "on" stage again. There's really no point :(. Well, I didn't put it well. She was jelous of her friend, not me. Competitive stuff. I always encouraged her to hang out more with her friends. Tho, I admit I was possesive at times, because I wasn't used to my girlfriend having male friends, but then again her actions were retarded at times =/.

I agree, I was a total sissy... still am probably, that'll have to change. I trusted her to respect me and care for me as I did for her, that respect part went AWOL I'd say.

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it. Hope this post helps people see how "easy" is it to lose your dignity... I feel like I was robbed of it, I let myself down... Well, I was blindly in love... eh...


I'm so worried 'bout her... I always tried to be there when she needed me to support and help her, can't now =/.

[talaniman]

Boy, are you going to love it when you kiss the right frog!! :eek:

[Ash123]

You met at 18? Buddy that's young. She is doing you both a favor. You have to go through stages in life or you will not be prepared later. Do as instructed above and try to log 3 months of NC. I know she has ripped you up, but she is doing what is required. It is not about you... what guy would she date from 18 to 80?? Take a breath and remember this: IF she is the right one, in a couple years it may be clearer, but today it's about taking on a career and life and then people can be good partners...

[_D6mi_]

I was 20, she was 18, now she's almost 20. But yes you're right, we're way too young and I realize that both of us don't know what we want from our lives yet, but the pain's still there and as I woke up this morning it's hurting like hell again.

There is truth about it not being about me and I was probably selfish for nothing letting her go, but c'mon let it be about me sometimes :(, but I guess that's my fault.

Oh well... not being able to reach her and talk to her like we used to sucks donkey balls.

I'm in good relations with her brother, talked to him yesterday, not sure if I should break contact with him too, he's younger and really likes hanging out with me, not sure on how to proceed. Probably best not to, at least for a while.

This is so freaking retarded! :((. I know she cares 'bout me and loves me and I feel the same for her, and we can't be together. Utter BS! :((. I realize that our relationship's impossible at this point, but... there's always an emotional but here...

Am I a psycho for thinking that feeling better makes me guilty and a bad person? I feel guilty if I feel okay, happy, but guilty. I'm thinking, what if she comes back and I can't give her what she wants... I'd feel guilty for making her sad. What if she sad at home sad or w/e and I'm feeling okay here, doesn't matter if it's just for a moment, since the pain's not subsiding if I don't have a total attention distractor... AAAAAAA I'm a freaking mess!

What should I do if I see her at clubs or stuff? Hi and bye?

Thank you so much for listening...

[talaniman]

We know your feeling a lot of emotions right now, that are probably as intense as the feelings that brought you together, and carried you through the last year, or so.

That's so normal, and human. We all go through this, everyone of us. The whole key for you is to recognize where the feelings come from, why they are there, and learning how to cope with them.

Experience is the best teacher though, and as you will find out later, it gets better as you get better control of those feelings, and learn the do's and don'ts of dealing with them.

That's what NC is about, developing those coping skills it takes to deal with YOURSELF, and what you do about what you feel, so you can heal, and make better decisions based on facts, and not just those darn feelings.

The first thing you need to know, it takes time, so be patient with yourself.

[_D6mi_]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa I'm losing it... I feel so empty, I feel so tired... Tired of being so sad all the time, tired of her not being here when I need her the most. :( :( :( :(

[_D6mi_]

I can't workout the facts... I only have these darn feelings and can't workout what was what. What was good? What was bad? I can only workout that I miss her so much... I hate myself...

[_D6mi_]

Why don't I hate her? Why do I want to be with her still? She brought me so much pain in the last 3 months or so, so much tears and heartache. I want to move away, get rid of these feelings and just stop being tired of life. Be happy. I'm so freaking tired of her being ahead of me all the time, she's always ahead of me. Always thinking more of herself than of me, what's best for her, but how can I hate her for that? :(. She has to do what she thinks is best for her... but I'll be the one still crying 'bout her when she has fun and enjoys life. I'm staying still... and I'm so tired...

I'm probably so annoying...

[Something_Here]

You need to get out of the house for a while, get busy. Worst thing you can do is sit at home and let your mind wander.

[realman71]

I know how you feel and you seem to really be feeling a lot of pain but really at this point there is not much people can say that will take it awy. Talking to people only subdues it temporarily and then it comes back. Confusion, regret, remorse, what could you do different... all those things are very normal but time is all that will heal all that. It's the worse span that you will have to go through but it is necessary to break free. This is a not going to improve and if you continue trying to make it work it will still end later on. You have to just let it go and it's hard to do and may seem impossible to even do. I am in the process of NC now and it is very difficult. I don't want to talk to her at this point but the pain and the black cloud is still there. This is what you have to do or you will repeat the history over and over. The more times all this happens the easier it will be to happen again and again. Good Luck and I reallly feel bad for what you are feeling now.. I know it hurts a lot but don't hate yourself because what else do you have. Do what you have to do and pick yourself up and believe in yourself!

[_D6mi_]

@Something_Here :

Eh, I guess you're right, but when I think of that as a solution, it just seems as masking the problem, covering it by not thinking 'bout it... =/. Well, I guess that's the way to go if the problem's impossible to solve...

@realman71:

I feel like you understand me completely. It's crushes my heart knowing that she cares for me still and misses me a lot, but we can't be together. I would love to be her friend, don't want her to disappear from my life, but that's a whole lot of pain most likely.

I was never good at letting go... ever. I feel like I'm failing if I let go, that I'm not giving myself enough. But I gave everything here and still it doesn't work, she has a big wall (and all the beautiful feelings are hid behind it) and I'm banging my head on it... It's like we forgot how to be happy... :(. She's the most special person I've met in my life (well 21 ain't that much, but still).

How are you doing? What happened with your girlfriend? We can chat, share our stories.

[Dornraben]

Hi D6mi. I'm going through a similar thing myself at the moment - and with similar circumstances that led up to it (i.e. me being too eager to please, and breaking the rule to: never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs (check out talaniman's sig.))

This is going to be a very raw and painful time. As realman71 says, some days (or just hours) are okay, then it all comes crashing back. You want to just break down in front of close friends and family, but you also know that you'd hate yourself for it too. The smallest things remind of you her, and - worst of all - you end up desperately hoping that she'll call to say that she's sorry and loves you and wants to give it another go...

One thought worth hold on to (this is partly thanks to the guys on here, responding to my thread) is that, although your g/f is feeling wretched too, she is also investing her emtional energy in moving on from you - and probably has been for a while. Given what my g/f told me on the phone about her feelings, she's probably feeling like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders, and can now move on with her life.

As Donald Trump said, "Part of being a winner is knowing when enough is enough. Sometimes you have to give up the fight and walk away, and move on to something that's more productive.”

[_D6mi_]

Hey mate, thanks for replying.

I hope you're doing well, I know how you feel as well and I wouldn't want these feelings for even my worst enemy! That's a good and most likely a true thought, but what I learned from my previous relationship is that, when that feeling cools down a bit, she'll want it again. That happened with my 1st relationship at least. She broke up with me because of familiy pressure and she felt a huge relief. After it cooldowned a bit, she wanted me back, like hell.

Ah... we're "suckers" aren't we? Giving most of that we can in the name of love. I hope Karma exists :).

[pandead]

Even though I love my new shiny medal, I have to say, the keywords for me in this -long- thread were at the end : "my low respect for myself"... I think that's the thing you should work on.

Maybe she is the one and she will come back for good this time, but maybe you won't even look at her because you will be so confident about yourself you will define exactly what you want... or most likely, what you do NOT want in a relationship. And you know no one wants to go through what you are going through right now.

It hurts indeed and it hurts a lot. But you are not alone. I'm only one of hundreds here on the way to recovery as well and I see every day how it's not about "them" and why they did what they did, it's about you, yourself, and how you handle things. There's an amazing journey ahead of you and you can only win if you put the effort in it.

And there is another ending to all this : I heard sometimes ex-girlfriends come back begging and you don't want them because you are too busy holding the right girl's hand :) Hope it helps. Have a wonderful day.

[_D6mi_]

Bow...

Thank you mate... Inspirational! I love the alternate ending, except I would throw her begging part out because it would hurt her so much if I'd reject her, I don't want her to suffer.

We'll see...

Again, thank you very much... I hope you're doing well, feel free to write about your story or put up a link.

All the best, off to tackle another day!

[_D6mi_]

Updating the thread:

So I promised her a while back I'd go to her concert, so I broke the silence we both agreed to (on the 3rd day) and asked whether she wants me to come to the concert and when is it if so. She said that she was thinking 'bout contacting me too, but remembered that we agreed on NC. The concert was off, but we agreed to go for an ice cream. She sent me a sweet little mail (more of a romantic one that friendly one) inviting me to ice cream on that day. We met and we hanged out in a friendly manner. I did had a lot of emotions, but I kept them under control. Then she stopped, turned to me and said : I missed you and spread her arms in expectance of a hug. My emotions exploded and thought I was in heaven and I embraced her. We walked and talked and really enjoyed ourselves. Eventually it lead up to kisses and hugs and unfortunatelly making love and finally guilt about it. I felt like I used her, but I know it wasn't like that, I always feel guilty when she feels bad and I'm part of the reason, maybe not the cause but... Mostly I was the one initiating the gentle actions. We met a couple of times again, talked a lot, had fun, kissed a couple a times (again by my initative and you could feel she's not into it), but in her words you could feel the romantic and friendly feelings overlap, neither rulling. For example, at one point me dating another girl would be fine and on the other it wouldn't and such. In the few days to come she gave me a few calls, "phone nudges" which were our thing and on Friday I went out to a park with my guitar and told her that if she wanted to, she should feel free to join for some relaxation from studying. She called me and said that she would love to come, but she already told her friend that she wouldn't meet with him because of a headache and would suck if he saw her out. I got the feeling that she really wants to be there.

Then on Saturday we talked on MSN and it felt like she was a bit far away, though she did sent a hug or two and some comments of that nature, but then she asked 'bout us, what are we doing, that it's wrong, since we're not together. I really didn't know what to say, because there isn't much I could say. She doesn't want me anymore and I want her. What can I say here? I was just enjoying the time with her, I love being with her. I was as casual as I could possibly be on our first meeting, but she went further. We ended the conversation on MSN with nothing concluded, she wanted me to tell her what I think and I couldn't tell her anything, because I knew I was going to hit the wall again. So we didn't conclude anything.

Today, like 2 hours ago, she contacted me on Facebook. Wondering what I was doing etc, and she asked if I had anything to tell her, I said not really and she said that she doesn't think our relationship as it is now, is healthy. I agreed and she said that she doesn't believe me, that I never showed that I felt like it was unhealthy. I said that there's a lot of stuff I don't show. And from that point on, everything went quiet. She was distant and said that I was weird and that's it weird talking to me. I was getting more frustrated and -ed by the second. There it was, the cursor was flashing on the chat, but nothing was written. Silence. I was pretty pissed, she contacts me and does this BS? FFS. I said tell me 's wrong (in a normal, semi - pissed manner) and she started talking 'bout that she doesn't want a relationship with me, that I don't want to let go (which is true, I don't, but I didn't break the friendly atmosphere and though I wanted to so much and it did hurt), basically that it was my doing that we hanged out and exchanged romantic gestures (partially it's true, but it was her removing the hatch on my feelings) and that she wants us to be friends, but isn't sure if it's possible and stuff like that. That I should accept that our relationship isn't what I think it is and that I should let go because she's far with accepting that it's over. I was shocked and didn't write anything on her words after that. She said good luck with everything, have fun, enjoy the summer. I was still shocked and after a minute of no reply to her words she went off Facebook. After a couple of minutes I wrote her a message on Facebook saying "Good luck to you to, I'll give a few prayers to the Almighty for your exams, you hold a special spot in my heart...you... Bye.".

My heart is broken again, I know I allowed it to be, doesn't change the fact that it still hurt like hell. I badly need advice again... I'm not sure if I should contact her and tell her that we could be friends and completelly try to ignore my feelings towards her. Is she right? Should I just let go something that's so valuable to me? Am I holding to something that just not what I think it is anymore?

I'm lying in my bed every night dreaming that she's lying there with me, just in my arms. I was pretty decent before I met her again, the pain was there, but it was under control, now it's running wild again.

I really wanted to give her space, never overdo it with the feelings, but SHE started the emotional rush!! :( :( :(. I really don't know what to do at this point...

Eh... quite a long rant... I feel like I got a bit of it of my chest... Thank you so much for helping and listening...

[Shadowburn]

Wow. So you've learned the hard way that the stove is hot. That's what NC is for - to protect YOU from the further pain. It's not about her anymore, because in her mind it's over and she told you that more than once.

Go and read stickies about NC because you got to get serious about your own healing. You've been through these cycles with her many times and still fell for it.

Do not contact her again, no matter what good an excuse you can think of (no excuse is actually a good one). Block her on FB as not to be tempted. Block her number on your cell if you can. Yes, at this point you are the one not letting go. I don't know why you're asking how to let go something so "valuable" - what was valuable in this so called relationship? Pain and suffering? Good riddance.

There are plenty of people in here who've been through the same thing, and every single one who's made it on the other side will tell you exactly the same thing - the only way to end this pain and confusion is to go total NC. Forget about being friends because it's another way of not letting go of false hope.

Good luck on your journey, it's not going to be easy, but well worth it in the end.