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Merlie · Jun 8, 2010, 11:09 PM

Threads merged

Hello,

I will try and keep this as short as I can. I was with my now ex for 6 years. We had a rollercoaster of a relationship, when it was good it was like heaven and when it was bad it was bad. We always managed to sail through it somehow. But last July he broke from me. I was devastated. We had talked about moving in together, having children etc. We did love each other very much and I really thought we could get through anything, but when he left, it was like losing my soul. I felt like my world had ended. We had been friends before we ever went out and we had so much in common, we mirrored each other.

Since the break up, he started seeing a woman about a month after. He met her through a dating agency. It really hurt me to see how he had moved on so quickly, but he left him at the beginning of the new year. He then dated another girl for a week, since then he has been with no one.

We have remained friends, although it is very different to the friendship I had with him at the start, we do chat daily online and text each other daily. Last month, he text me saying he had an idea and wanted to chat with me about it. Seems that he wants to go on a holiday, road tripping across Europe for two weeks, sharing a double room (as it would be cheaper, so he says!) I said I would think about it. I have not given him my answer and have just left it. He said I would be fun to go with on this trip, but for me, we have not seen each other in ages and we don't 'talk' just text chat online and there is a lot of water under the bridge that would need sorting out before I could commit to going with him on this trip.

The thing is this, I do miss my ex. We were good together and we were alike in many many respects. I feel more than a little lost as to know what to do. I feel like I am in limbo land. I loved him very deeply and I still have feelings for him. I am currently on a visit to a friend of mine who lives near the same county as my ex, ( about 5 hours away by train ) I have been tempted to ask to my ex if we could meet up. He knows where I am at the moment, but has not said anything about meeting up when he rang me. I don't know if I should take the initiative and ask or wait till my next visit to ask him. This is where I am stumped and don't know what to do.

What do you think?

Thanks for all your replies in advance. I really appreciate it.

Merlie

sadiemae7 · Jun 9, 2010, 02:03 AM

I think it might be safe for you to take the initiative and ask him to if he wants to meet up with you somewhere. It sounds like he may be trying to decide if he wants to come back to you or not. I would just keep it casual and treat him like a friend at this point. Don't call him too much in general. Let him come back to you, let him chase you. Stay upbeat and positive and don't bring up any serious talk, so that he feels good when he's around you.

As far as the trip, I would go. But, I wouldn't get physical with him until I was his "girlfriend" again. You don't want to turn into a "friend with benefits".

talaniman · Jun 9, 2010, 05:07 AM

What a sweet deal for him. He can see whomever he wants, whenever he wants, and still get with you, and chat whenever he wants.

He doesn't have to take you back ever because you never left, just got demoted, and stripped of any title you may have had.

The sad part, he enjoys his life, but do you?

Merlie · Jun 10, 2010, 02:31 AM

Last night, we chatted on msn, when I decided to instigate the possibility of talking on the mic on skype, and he said yes. I kept the conversation light and it was fun. He had a laugh as did I. Just before he left, he mentioned that we could talk again like this. He told me that his mic was put away in a drawer, as he had no use for it ( remembering old times when we used to chat a lot on the mic and I was the only one he did this with) that was why he was using his iPhone to talk with me through skype. So it looks like, well I think I have broken through some barriers with him, but as yet I have not mentioned the holiday.

Showme_urmove · Jun 10, 2010, 03:10 AM

Tal sorry had to spread reputation.
You are right tal why bother buy the cow if she is giving him the milk.
Merlie I don't know what is that you want from him, but his living his life the way he wants, and your still stuck from the past, hoping and wishing you can have him.
Like what tal said, you had been demoted. He can talk to any one he wishes, be with any girls he pleases, and he knows he doesn't have to go knocking on your door cause you always have it open for him.
His not going to take you serious, why would he. He knows he can have you, so why would he bother fighting for you and trying to fix things with you. He wants to enjoy his life with or without you doesn't matter for him.
You sound so desperate, he knows that your desperate for him, so all his going to do is take advantage of the situation. He left you after 6 years. Then you realized his dating and seeing someone else. Why would you even bother trying to get back with this man. Go and live your life, move on and do NO CONTACT! He doesn't respect you, and seems like you don't respect yourself!
Sorry if I'm being harsh but this is only my opinion, you can agree or disagree but at the end of the day your going to have to face the decision you had made. Hope you for the best...

Devorameira · Jun 10, 2010, 03:31 AM

I think you’re just asking for heartache if you keep talking to him. I can’t imagine ever considering going on a holiday with him, especially since you never once said that you two have been talking about working things out or working toward getting back together.

I think he is just going to use you. I think if you let him he’ll still date other women, talk to you when HE feels like it, sleep with you when HE feels like it, and then will break it off totally when he finds a steady girl.

Don’t allow him to do this to you. You’ve already invested 6 years into this relationship. Are you willing to be a “little on the side” another 6 years?

Do yourself a favor and go NC. Then heal and find yourself a guy that loves and respects you... this one doesn’t.

positiveparent · Jun 10, 2010, 05:20 AM

That's a good one you'll have a double room because its cheaper! Yes of course it will be, for him..

I would not only ask him about you meeting up, I would be asking him who in the hell he thinks you are, and also tell him you're not a boomerang, you don't go back.

What about him showing some respect, and consideration, by being more thoughtful and considerate of your feelings.

Don't let him pick you up and drop you if and when he feels like it. You're worth More.

Don't make yourself available...

Kitkat22 · Jun 10, 2010, 05:33 AM

Originally Posted by positiveparent

Thats a good one youll have a double room because its cheaper!! yes of course it will be, for him..

I would not only ask him about you meeting up, I would be asking him who in the hell he thinks you are, and also tell him youre not a boomerang, you dont go back.

What about him showing some respect, and consideration, by being more thoughtful and considerate of your feelings.

Dont let him pick you up and drop you if and when he feels like it. Youre worth More.

Dont make yourself available...

You are setting yourself up for another fall. Why do you feel so bad about yourself. He's a user and you're making it easy for him to do so.

Merlie · Jun 14, 2010, 08:31 AM

Hello,

My ex boyfriend who was my friend before we ever got together and since he broke from me, we have slowly regained some measure of friendship. Really for me, it had been a very hurtful break up but he wanted to go, so I let him.

We do communicate on a daily basis, usually one text a day or we simply chat online for a half an hour and that is about it. Two nights ago we did talk on the phone and last night we talked on Skype.

Here is the thing, for as long as I have known him he has never been so busy at work as he is now, which means he goes quiet for some time like anything from a 2 minutes up. I have left him wishing him a nice day and have fun. Typical nice things, nothing personal or anything as we don't do that kind of chat. I try to avoid it. Anyway, I had been thinking that maybe there was some lag on the line and he didn't get my last messege on msn, so I sent him a text, explaining that I had some lag on my computer which was true at the time, and that I wished him a nice day etc, but I got no text back from him. He wasn't even courteous enough to send me one back. I really don't get it. We know one another well enough to know the other. I am not looking for too much but I cannot stand this kind of behaviour.

I do know that he is not going with anyone and he has been with two other girls since our breakup so he has moved on. I am getting on with my life as much as I can. Joined a theatre group and am also writing a lot as well. I just want a bit of respect and common courtesy. I know I have wished other friends a good day when I have been texting them and they always wish it back to me, so what is wrong with him then?

Thanks for reading and taking the time to reply. Much appreicated :)

talaniman · Jun 14, 2010, 09:14 AM

Sorry Merlie, expecting him to drop everything and give you the courtesy of priority for a text is plain crazy. The relationship failed and this "attempt" at friendship is not going to work, or keep him in your life, the way it was before.

You expect too much, and are way to close to someone that you spent so much time with. Already and it's a bad sign, you have chosen to skip the healing, rebuilding process to stay in his business, command his time through "innocent" texts, calls, and IMs and emails, and tripping when he doesn't immediately respond.

Stop trying to be the girlfriend without a title, but with the privileges. You aren't, he dumped you, accept it and heal, so you can have a life without him.

Its all about No Contact, as he is moving on, and you need to let go.

Kitkat22 · Jun 14, 2010, 10:38 AM

Let go and move on. It will save you a lot of heartache in the end.

He doesn't care... sorry... but you need to let that sink in...

Merlie · Jun 16, 2010, 12:49 AM

Hi,
Thanks to all who took the time to reply to my questions. I appreciate it.

I just want to say that I am trying to get on with my life. I have joined a choir and am also doing a lot of writing and am meeting up with an old friend I haven't met in ages.

Just to also let you know, my ex did phone me last night out of the blue and we had a nice chat. It was small talk nothing serious and I got a text from him this morning too.

I do realise that I should initiate no contact with him, I have taken time away from him in the past. I think of the few friends he has ( the others being two male friends, one of whom is a neighbour, that he sees once every week, both are married and have families ) I think I am the only one who remains in frequent contact with him of all his friends.

mawtom · Jun 16, 2010, 05:14 AM

When either party in a relationship steps "out" and has been with another person, it is OVER. The special intimacy that was once special to you as a couple is no longer intact. He has been with two other women. Do you actually want him touching you again? He BROKE the circle. Get on with your life. Quit making contact with him. You are feeding his already oversized ego. You may be hesitant at letting go as you feel you had something SOOO special. Well, it isn't "special" anymore. He had something "special" with two other women "that you know about".

liz28 · Jun 16, 2010, 06:25 AM

Originally Posted by Merlie

I think of the few friends he has ( the others being two male friends, one of whom is a neighbour, that he sees once every week, both are married and have families ) I think I am the only one who remains in frequent contact with him of all his friends.

Who cares about how many friends he have? I wouldn't! Your not obligated to be his friend. Right now your just setting your ownself up and believe it or not your torturing yourself then it seems like you try to justified your actions to make it sound good. It is almost like your in denial.

The reality of things is that you still have feelings for this guy and still is hurting from the break up>>he isn't. He have move on and probably think you have to but little does he know you haven't.

It is good you are trying to get over him and doing things to try to but do you really expect to get over him while your still in contact with him? I don't think so!

Kitkat22 · Jun 16, 2010, 09:26 AM

Originally Posted by liz28

Who cares about how many friends he have? I wouldn't!! Your not obligated to be his friend. Right now your just setting your ownself up and believe it or not your torturing yourself then it seems like you try to justified your actions to make it sound good. It is almost like your in denial.

The reality of things is that you still have feelings for this guy and still is hurting from the break up>>he isn't. He have move on and probably think you have to but little does he know you haven't.

It is good you are trying to get over him and doing things to try to but do you really expect to get over him while your still in contact with him? I don't think so!!

Don't talk to him. It makes it even harder to get over him.Hope you do great!