[lynn33]

I have two questions/two problems:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, living together for 2. We have always had a loving, healthy relationship till recently.
For the past 6-8months we have not been having sex on a regular basis. We use to have sex 1-4 times a week and now it's maybe 1-2 a month. The first problem is this: I always try to initiate sex with him and 9/10 times he always says he's too tired. Now this is understandable sometimes, he has a part time job/ full time student in college but at the same time, I work 40+hrs a week and even though I'm tired I still want to. Is this normal in a 23yr old man?

My next problem/question. Now Im not one of those girls that gets freaked out if her boyfriend looks/masturbates to porn. Its not a big deal to me. However, a few days ago I did care. He erased the history on the computer which made me question what he was doing and then I found in one of the tabs he tried to find the word "lesbian". When he called me on his break I confronted him and he said he had looked at porn and did masturbate. Now, the ONLY reason this upset me is because of the first problem listed. If we had an actual sex life I wouldn't care if this was happening but since I can't even recall the last time we had sex I am personally offended.
Now he did admit it to me and told me he would do whatever it takes to make it up to me. He is a good man and I know he feels horrible for doing it. I just don't know where to go from here. Im still hurt by the situation at hand.

Any advice, comments or opinions would do me a world of good. Sorry this was so winded but Im so lost on this. Thank you in advance.

[Homegirl 50]

Maybe he is addicted to porn. I don't see why a young man is only wanting sex once a month.
Talk to him, see if there is something or someone else going on in his life.

[CravenMorhead]

Why is it the first thing people jump to is Porn Addiction? I don't understand it.

Anyhow. I don't think he is addicted to porn.

In my later years of university, year five and six, I had the same deal, full time student with a part time job. I was also about 22-24. There were times where I would crawl into bed and not want to touch, or be touched by anyone. I just wanted sleep.

I see a few things going on here.
1). When you're initating is probably right before bed. A popular but often bad time. He is probably physical and mentally over tired wanting naught but the sweet embrace of sleep.
2). When he does get randy you might not be around. Porn is always there.
3). It could be that he doesn't believe that he has the hour to spare to romance you but can spare 10 minutes to polish one off.
4). There is no number four.
5). More often than not, you can leave your work at work. A student can't do that. Being a full time student with a part-time job and a relationship isn't comparable to a 40+hr/week job.

At this point you have a couple options. You can try iniating during the day, not late at night. Try to get him when he is not tired. Take him on weekends, before dinner, or when he gets home.

As homegirl50 suggested talk to him, see what going on.

I don't believe that the porn has anything to do with this.

[Homegirl 50]

There are people who are addicted to porn. They get off to a daily basis but can no longer have sex with a person. It may not be the case with him, but there many men and women with that problem.

It came to mind because this is a 23 year old man who only has sex with his girl once a month, but jacks off with porn and tries to hide it. Something is wrong! Many Young men work and go to college and still have the libido to get it during the week.

[ZoeMarie]

It came to mind because this is a 23 year old man who only has sex with his girl once a month, but jacks off with porn and tries to hide it. Something is wrong!

This is why I agree with you. I had to spread the rep though. Sounds to me like he has a problem.

[CravenMorhead]

There are people who are addicted to porn. They get off to a daily basis but can no longer have sex with a person. It may not be the case with him, but there many men and women with that problem.

I don't disagree that there is a small minority of people who have an unhealthy addiction to Porn. You can find the same with video games, TV, and other such distractions.

My question is, more of peeve actually, why is always labelled an addiction when found? He masturbates to porn almost daily, but only has sex on a weekly/monthly occasion. Porn addiction is the first conclusion that is suggested.

Considering the almost countless other issues that are more or less common than this, does always jumping to porn addiction seem right to you?

It came to mind because this is a 23 year old man who only has sex with his girl once a month, but jacks off with porn and tries to hide it. Something is wrong! Many Young men work and go to college and still have the libido to get it during the week.

Why is he hiding it? Does he want to keep it private? It took me almost ten years of having my own private computer before I was willing to accurately label and categorize my porn. It was kept hidden more out of shame. I didn't mind that my ex-wife or GF knew I masturbated to porn, but I didn't really need them to know what I am doing it too. I am a bit ashamed of some of my kinks. 'Cause sometimes midget Porn is just fun.

This sounds like a shared computer. He could be hiding this just for consideration for his Girlfriend.

I believe it more likely that it is what he said it was. He is tired. He is working the equivalent of two jobs, a full-time college and part-time job. I think he is mentally and physically exhausted by time he reaches the bed. Even though it is on his mind, the last thing he wants is sex. Given his age, he is probably in the last years of a undergraduate or the first years of a masters/phd degree. Those ain't easy years.

I think we need to explore what is going on here without starting the knee jerk reaction of Porn Addiction. There is more here than meets the eye.

[Homegirl 50]

The girl said she has no problem with him and porn so why did he feel the need to hide it? Well probably because he had not touched her in a month and didn't want her to know he was doing himself. That is a red flag.
If a young man is doing it to porn and not touching his more than willing partner, that is a red flag.
I jumped to porn addiction because it is what she mentioned. He could also be cheating, I mentioned that too.
I can understand the rigors of graduate school, but going from regular sex to no sex and then she finds he's been deleting the history on pron sites, red flag.

I also understand what you are saying about people jumping to the porn addiction conclusion, but it also irritates me when women are label frigid or insecure if they don't get porn or enjoy it. That is often the first thing people say as well.

[Homegirl 50]

My question is, more of peeve actually, why is always labelled an addiction when found? He masturbates to porn almost daily, but only has sex on a weekly/monthly occasion. Porn addiction is the first conclusion that is suggested.
It's a thought, especially if he has a woman willing to give it up. With him, it is monthly. She said she could not remember the last time they had sex. That says to me, there is a problem somewhere. Miss Palmer is getting more than the live in girl friend, there is a problem.

[lynn33]

Why is it the the first thing people jump to is Porn Addiction? I don't understand it.

Anyhow. I don't think he is addicted to porn.

In my later years of university, year five and six, I had the same deal, full time student with a part time job. I was also about 22-24. There were times where I would crawl into bed and not want to touch, or be touched by anyone. I just wanted sleep.

I see a few things going on here.
1). When you're initating is probably right before bed. A popular but often bad time. He is probably physical and mentally over tired wanting naught but the sweet embrace of sleep.
2). When he does get randy you might not be around. Porn is always there.
3). It could be that he doesn't believe that he has the hour to spare to romance you but can spare 10 minutes to polish one off.
4). There is no number four.
5). More often than not, you can leave your work at work. A student can't do that. Being a full time student with a part-time job and a relationship isn't comparable to a 40+hr/week job.

At this point you have a couple options. You can try iniating during the day, not late at night. Try to get him when he is not tired. Take him on weekends, before dinner, or when he gets home.

As homegirl50 suggested talk to him, see what going on.

I don't believe that the porn has anything to do with this.

I think you have it spot on. He doesn't rub one out daily, it was this one time, that I know of. And he doesn't look at porn, like ever, that is something I would know about for sure. I honestly don't think he has porn addiction, he is a guy and guys tend to look at stuff like this, that's why I wouldn't care on normal situations. And from what he told me he was just bored waiting to get ready for work. We talked more about it today and I think we are going to talk more. Thank you everyone for your opinions, mainly CravenMorhead since you've been in his situation.

[CravenMorhead]

The girl said she has no problem with him and porn so why did he feel the need to hide it? Well probably because he had not touched her in a month and didn't want her to know he was doing himself. That is a red flag.

Shame and embarrassment. Why do people often hide their deepest fantasies? Something's, even in a relationship, are private. I wouldn't call this a red flag.

I also understand what you are saying about people jumping to the porn addiction conclusion, but it also irritates me when women are label frigid or insecure if they don't get porn or enjoy it. That is often the first thing people say as well.

I don't, or at least try not to, do that. The human body is a wonder of interconnecting systems. The brains are wired differently. Women not getting porn is like me not getting romance novels. Sorry, cheap shot.

[Homegirl 50]

That is not a cheap shot, it is just true!
Men don't get romance novels.

[Synnen]

I have a full time job, a part time college career, and a willing husband.

I don't browse his porn, and expect him to stay out of mine (which is really just online erotica).

Sometimes it is just WAY easier to get that release myself, even if he IS willing. I can get myself off in 5 minutes. I can't get both him and I off in less than 20.

I'm sure it's a case of just convenience, being tired, and not having the drive to have sex--just the urge to have an orgasm.

Talking about it is the absolute BEST way to go. Compromise is sometimes necessary in a sexual relationship.

Take it from me and personal experience: just because I don't have sex with my husband doesn't mean that I 'm not interested in him, and just because I get myself off without involving him has NOTHING to do with him---OR a porn addiction. It just means that I'm tired, busy, and don't have the energy for a full blown sex session.

[S SID]

Liking the pun about the situation in hand but maybe you should ask to watch porn with him and I'm sure you will both be arroused then baybe you can take the situation in hand more often.

[Homegirl 50]

But a month with no sex. Several months and only once a month. They need to have a talk. You don't go from regular sex to every once in a blue moon without explanation.
He needs to tell her what's up.

[Synnen]

True--talking is the absolute best way for a couple to work on any problem in their relationship. And I realize that this IS a problem.

It's just very probably NOT a porn addiction.

A porn addiction isn't JUST that the couple's sex life declines--it's that EVERYTHING declines in the addicts life, EXCEPT his or her addiction. Ever live with or around an addict? The ONLY thing they care about is their addiction. They don't care about work, or school, or how anyone else feels about anything. An addict would have slowly given up that part time job, and would have suffering grades. An addict wouldn't CARE about covering his browser history, or about many of the other aspects of keeping a relationship going. An addict cares about his or her addiction, and that is IT.

I get annoyed, too, by how many people jump to the conclusion of a porn addiction without looking at the whole picture, but just by seeing "porn", "masturbate", and "less/no sex" in a thread. If he had been masturbating, but with no porn--how would you have answered this? Or if he'd been looking at racy pictures but not masturbating?

The PROBLEM in this situation is that the OP is not satisfied with her sex life, and has given us information about her boyfriend to help us try to understand WHY. We, of course, can only guess about the boyfriend's motivations--we're not him, we don't know the WHOLE story, only the OP's side of it, and we don't know the medical/physical/mental situation of the boyfriend.

The ONLY real answer we can give her is to talk, talk, talk about it with her boyfriend.

[poeticmelody]

I think deep down you know what the only solution is; that is to sit down and talk to him. There could be a million and one reasons he is behaving like this, but you will drive yourself crazy thinking like that.
I think you need to sit down and talk to each other. It has gone on for a while now and it probably won't go away.
All relationships come upon hard times, it is how you both deal with these that will define your relationship.
Talking is the only solution in this case I am afraid.

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you x

[Cat1864]

I am glad that it sounds like you are discussing the matter with your boyfriend. Discussion is always better than confrontation. So many times the situation is made worse because hurt feelings lead to striking out and what could have been settled with an open and honest talk between equals becomes a lecture or an argument/fight.

It sounds like for the past six months he has been stressed out and tired. Did anything change six months ago such as his work hours/times, job responsibility, class schedule, types of classes he is taking, worry about paying for said classes, etc. Has his exercise, diet, or eating and sleeping patterns changed? Lifestyle has a huge impact on the libido. Feeling pressured to perform (from himself as well as his partner) can also add stress and contribute to the problem.

Keep in mind that even with talking and stress reduction, etc. you may not get back to the same amount of sex you were having before. It could end up better (as compared to during the first year). It could end up worse. Relationships change and evolve as Life goes on. There will probably be other periods when sex takes a backseat to reality. Everything from medical concerns to being separated because of work can cause 'droughts'. However, anything can be weathered if you keep the lines of communication open and work together not against each other.

Stereotypes can be a place to begin, however, they can be very misleading. They tend to encourage people to place other people in boxes and forget that no individual or every person in a group belongs in only one box. Not all males look at porn. Some females look more than men. Young men aren't always ready for or thinking about sex every minute of every day. Some women are.

[S SID]

I'm sorry ladies but you are seeing this from a woman's opinion, trust me a man doesn't need a reason not to want sex, if he was cheating he'd be having sex with her more to cover up, trust me it's nothing to be worried about, I just think she should participate with him and see how it goes.

[Homegirl 50]

Participate with him how?
She has already said she has no problem with his porn.
Her problem is lack of sex.
If your 23 year old man goes from lots of sex to no sex, that is cause for concern.

[S SID]

Yes she has no problem with him watching porn, I think she should watch with him with an open mind, if that arouses him then surely it's better that she's there than not and who knows, she might feel the same too.