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elle90 · Jun 7, 2010, 06:48 AM

The father of my child I am sure raped me, not as in the dramatic cornered me into a bush and forced himself on me, but through a lot of twisted stuff and forced sex.

We started as friends but he always had a motive and pretend to be as nice as he could to gte close to me. We did end up having a drunken fling or two but then he changed so I pulled away from him and decided to just stay friends. He couldn't seems to handle this, he seemed to have an obsession with needing to sleep with women and play them.

He used to trick me and play seriously twisted and long drawn out mind games and spout lies at me constantly to play on my overly nice, trusting and insecure ways.

He would use these tricks to get me round his house under the pretence of friendship time but every time he wouls try to initiate sex. I would tell him no an hundred times but he would persist and kiss me anyway and start taking off my clothes and initiate foreplay even when I tried saying no and would persist until I gave in and let him get on with it.

It became a vicious cycle, with his lies and me feeling guilty somehow and being in serious denial so I kept believing his lies and going round his time and time again and he did it over and over again.

What was worse is that when I fell pregnant he used the baby as a new excuse and even forced sex out of me while pregnant.

I have never been sure if this is rape or my own fault and a common misconception.

I have refused to let him near my son, ever, and he is the biggest reason I have trust issues with men.

xxlullabyxx · Jun 7, 2010, 07:11 AM

:(
I'm not sure if it is rape because you said in the end you finally gave in to his ways. Do you love him? And are you living with him? I don't think you should let him control you and force sex out of you like he is. It is just not right. You need to be strong and tell him to his face. Stop being nice! He is just taking advantage of you and you know that.
You can do it!!

excon · Jun 7, 2010, 07:17 AM

Hello e:

It MIGHT have been rape ONCE. But, you went back. Victims of rape don't go back.

excon

elle90 · Jun 7, 2010, 10:14 AM

But he had me so low and so down and so powerless I couldn't say no, that is what I am getting at. I had no choice but to go back, he was twisted. I only gave in as he would go on for HOURS without me saying yes and start doing it anyway, and I would just close my eyes and get on with it. Denial is a massive factor here too

elle90 · Jun 7, 2010, 10:15 AM

I don't and never did love him, we never lived together and were never officially together, just always him doing everything he could to twist my mind into giving in to him. I mean, like proper twisted guy here

NeedKarma · Jun 7, 2010, 10:16 AM

What is so appealing in him that you can't seem to find in another man that would not wear you down?

elle90 · Jun 7, 2010, 10:20 AM

I have zero interest in him, this was nearly 2.5 years ago, I have not seen him for a year or so, I have no interest in him and have had men since. My point is I have never come to terms with this and never knew exactly what it was. He was twisted. REFUSED to EVER take no for an answer and I had heard of marital rape and wondered if it was technically the same thing. He seriously NEEDED to get what he wanted when he wanted it or took it anyway

jpbuzzworthy · Jun 7, 2010, 10:29 AM

I'm not going to touch the rape issue because I'm not a legal expert and I'd hate to say what I think...

But I do think you need counseling. It sounds like you have some emotional scarring from this guy...

I also think you may be having trouble with the fact that you had an unwanted pregnancy and it would really help to talk to someone.

NeedKarma · Jun 7, 2010, 10:30 AM

Considering your other thread I think you need to find out why you seek out and think you deserve these kinds of men. We aren't all like that I think that's pretty obvious. And no it's not marital rape, there still is some issue of violence and forcefulness for it to be considered rape. Plus like ex said you kept coming back.

elle90 · Jun 7, 2010, 10:30 AM

How naïve and judgemental.

elle90 · Jun 7, 2010, 10:32 AM

But it was forced... he pinned me down... that's the thing... he Wouldn't let me say no or go anywhere... had no choice but to ly there, and I have never once refused responsibility for my own child, ever.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 7, 2010, 10:38 AM

I think this man emotionally and physically abused you. He saw a weakness in you and pushed all the right buttons. He knows how to control you. Is he quite a bit older than you?

Get some counseling, it sounds like you are falling back into the same pattern with this other guy you have posted about.
It is time you take control.
How old are you?

EmoPrincess · Jun 7, 2010, 10:40 AM

I am quoting my law textbook. "the crime requires a lack of consent on the part of the victim. There is no consent if the victim is unconscious or mentally incompetent or if drugs or alcohol impair the victim's judgement."
By this definition. It does not seem as though you were raped. Was there alcohol or drugs involved? If not, it would be up to a court to decide if you were mentally incompetent. Which I think you were.

EmoPrincess · Jun 7, 2010, 10:41 AM

Originally Posted by elle90

But it was forced... he pinned me down... thats the thing... he WOULDNT let me say no or go anywhere...had no choice but to ly there, and i have never once refused responsibility for my own child, ever.

What do you mean he didn't LET you say no?

elle90 · Jun 7, 2010, 10:45 AM

I found this on a website:

'Force-only' rape is usually understood to include only enough force used on the part of the abuser to control or hold his wife in position, e.g. holding down the victim by her arms or wrists to prevent her defending herself or escaping. This form of rape is common where there is a larger contrast between the physical size and strength of abuser and victim, or in abusive relationships where physical violence is infrequent or non-existent (insofar as one does not categorise sexual assault itself as a violent act). In most cases of 'force-only' rape, coercion plays a large part. The victim may also be so confused and numbed by constant emotional abuse, that she simply does not know how to act or react when sex is forced on her.

I was going on the fact he completely crippled my mind into not being able to say no, and like I said, took my clothes off and started the act anyway even when I said no and tried to get away, that is definitely not right.

I am 20, he was only a couple of years older than me.

I am always in denial about whether I need counselling, I don't walk around depressed about it but it gets me worked up form time to time as it would, but I do always fall in the same trap, but I don't think this guy is anywhere near as bad as him, this other guy is totally decent but just complicated and confusing.

elle90 · Jun 7, 2010, 10:47 AM

He just wouldn't, that's it, wouldn't let me say no, kept at it, tried restraining me when I pushed away... etc

NeedKarma · Jun 7, 2010, 10:48 AM

Then you're best to see a lawyer with your evidence.

EmoPrincess · Jun 7, 2010, 10:49 AM

Originally Posted by elle90

He just wouldnt, thats it, wouldnt let me say no, kept at it, tried restraining me when i pushed away... etc

That is rape.

elle90 · Jun 7, 2010, 10:49 AM

I don't know if I should take it to court. It was a long time ago and it's a grey area, obviously from the debate going on. I would never be able to prove it. I just needed answers.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 7, 2010, 10:50 AM

Well you do need counseling. You are allowing this other guy to control you. You are putting his feeling ahead of yours.
You have been abused had a baby and are now allowing another guy to play yo-yo with you.
Get yourself some counseling. Being with any guy is the last thing you need right now.

Is the father of your child supporting this child?