[throwaway]

Hello everyone, first time poster here. I've been reading a lot of relationship boards like this. I'm feeling pretty down right now, its been two weeks since she moved out, we kept minimal contact during that time, it was only me who was trying to contact her and get another meeting/chance. After that failed miserably I have initiated NC for a full week since she told me its too late to save our relationship.

I know everyone's going to tell me to keep with the no contact, delete Facebook and hit the gym. I am doing all of this already and I am due to fly out for a two week holiday in a few hours (I have not told her about this) but I still feel terrible and think about her all the time. I don't know if I should drop her a quick message to let her know I'm going away, I owe her nothing right? But would it be immature on my part to just leave without telling her?

A Little background:

* I'm 27 she's 24 and dated for 3 years
* We moved in together after a year of dating
* She moved out after the second year because we had lost that spark
* Things were great, then another year later we moved in together again
* Another year down the line we fell into the same trap. I started to freak out that we were living together but none of us could see marriage on the cards as we were both not ready - she just got out of study and my career has only just started.
* Now she's told me she's given up on trying again
* I can't shake the urge to try get her back

In retrospect it was a mistake to move in together so soon, we were at different stages in life with neither of us ready for marriage. A burning issue for me is that whilst we could tell we were falling into our old ways, neither of us had the courage to bring this up and discuss it. We were both keeping the peace or hoping it would go away. It didn't and she just decided break it off and move out. I should have seen this coming, "You never know what you've got until its gone." as the saying goes. The worst thing is she told all her girlfriends how she felt and couldn't tell me, she mentally preapred herself and then dropped this bombshell on me. I'm full of regret becase we didn't open up to each other and deal with it when we had the chance. I hope everyone who reads this message learns from my mistake, this is a lesson I will hold onto for a long time.

[sully123]

Actually, you shouldn't have to tell her you left for a two week holiday Your relationship ended, and sometimes, we realize things when it's too late. Maybe this what the both of you need, NC. Glad your doing something too keep yourself busy. Everyone grows from mistakes we make in relationships. It seemed she wasn't happy, and she said she gave up on trying. It hurts, we all have been there. But for now, you can't change things. You have too respect her wishes and move on for now. No one knows the future, give her some time to miss you, who knows maybe she will have second thoughts. But don't get your hopes up, if it doesn't happen. Good luck.

[Homegirl 50]

You don't owe her explanations, she does not need to know you are going on a trip, you are no longer a couple.
You need to accept the fact that it's over. It will be hard for a while but it will get better.
Learn from the experince. Painful ones are often good teachers.

[throwaway]

Just a quick update from me.

I'm still on my holiday and have been having a great time, it has really helped me take my mind off things. I think about her less often now but there are times like today when I am alone with my thoughts she creaps back in. Also as I've been meeting some old friends and sometimes end up talking about the break up. Should I avoid doing that? Getting things off my chest feels good but it means I end up thinking about her later on in that day. I seems like a double edged sword.

We have been in total NC for 3 weeks, it seems she has moved on and is respecting the need for NC, maybe even seeing someone new. She said herself that she can see us as good friends eventually and I agreed but mentioned that it would take time and she knows that.

I've met a few new people myself, It's good for the confidence and some of them are nice, but I'm reluctant pursue anything further, I am in another country after all. Some are not so good and when they are not I compare them to my ex or feel down. I know I'm not ready for anything serious but I feel this is helping me heal a little.

I don't really have a question I guess I'm just writing my thoughts down and I'm looking for words of encouragement again.

I know I shouldn't but I wonder what's she's thinking, if she's feeling regret or if she's loves being single or if she has met someone new. Someone on here had a good saying "we loved each other but were not in love" that is pretty accurate.

[88sunflower]

Good for you. Keep enjoying yourself.

I don't know what the others would say but if talking about the split feels good then talk up a storm! So what if it makes you think of her later. Your able to get your feelings out and maybe you will realize its for the best. Your going to think of her anyway so if talking feels good then talk.

I am sure you will move on from this. You already have in a sense being away and having a good time. Your not home sulking in your loss. Keep that chin up and enjoy that vacation.

[kctiger]

Keep on living life, gaining new experiences and having fun, that's all anyone can ask of you. It is foolish to believe you would be over her in three weeks time. That isn't realistic.

In the words of Joe Dirt, "Life's a garden man, dig it!" You're doing great and we're all rooting for you!!

It's been three weeks and look at the growth you've had. Imagine three months from now, or even three years? Believe me, time flies and the pain and sorrow of this breakup will be a thing of the past very soon.

[throwaway]

I'm also worried that after the holiday when I get back I'm going to feel really down with the holiday blues as reality hits be tempted to break NC. I know I'd be crazy to do that but I hope I don't give in.

[88sunflower]

Just stay busy and find things to take up your time. When you feel the need to pick up the phone walk out the door and go for a drive or a walk. Leaving the cell behind of course. You can do it if you put your mind to it.

[Homegirl 50]

You are doing well. Enjoying living life for you. The more time passes the pain will ease.

[talaniman]

As long as your doing your thing and enjoy it, then things will be okay and you will weather the harder times just fine. Life is all about ups, and downs whether you just broke up, or not.

[throwaway]

Hi all,

I need some further advice or insight, thanks in advance for anyone still following. The weekend after next there is a birthday party of a mutual friend of the ex and myself and she is going to be there according to Facebook.

That will make it 6 weeks of NC up until then. Now I'm confident that if I see her I will act civil not make a scene or an idiot of myself. I'm not going to try work things out or win her back. I know there is a chance she may bring a date and if I can't handle that I'll just make a disappearing act. I don't won't to come across as wallowing at home in myself pity or hiding from her because I really am not doing this.

I just don't understand why she is even going. When we were together she would never come to these kind of events unless she had lots of her girlfriends out. Looking at the list of people attending they look more like my friends. The only reason I can think of is that the organizer is one of her girlfriends who she confided in and still sees on a regular basis after our break up.

One thing I learnt to accept about our relationship is that we had mutual friends and then we had our own circle of friends and we'd go out separately which is fine. We just stopped making the effort to see each others friends and then stopped making the effort to plan activities together after that.

Maybe I'm starting to over analyse a bit here but I just don't get it. She definitely wouldn't have wanted to come when we were together but now she wants to come along. I would have usually gone without her, come home and she would be there occupied watching TV or on her laptop. Is she trying to make a point? Or maybe she isn't and this is just going to be another one of her new regular nights out. Just before and after the break up she had been going out more without me with her girlfriends to these kind of events so maybe this is just an extension of that behaviour?

[Homegirl 50]

I don't think her going to this party has anything to do with you.
She is moving on with her life and maybe being more social is helping her do that.
You need to stop second guessing her and move on with your life.

[throwaway]

I'm in little panic today, I have not broken NC but a mutual friend told me something. Whilst I was on holiday my ex arranged with my cousin to come over and pick up her stuff. She returned some things and was in my room and I had unintentionally left some notes on my desk before I left. Whilst I was trying to cope with the break up I just wrote down my thoughts.

One note explains how good things were at the beginning , things that made us happy and then how we have changed and why this led to our break up - this was for me to understand what went wrong and let me get my emotions out. Another note was more harsh, it's a note with reasons for me to move on:

* We both lacked communication
* No response when I touch her
* Not happy with job and no motivation to change
* Could not see a long term future with each other
* Immature in her tastes and likes
* Messy
* Sleeps/wakes up late
* Always on her laptop
* She avoided me and kept me in the dark about her intentions

I know she is really mad about reading this and she ranted to my friend about how this just proves I never understood her, how could I if she couldn’t tell me? She (friend) also told me she thinks because she just bottled up her emotions to herself she started to resent me this is an easy excuse for her to get mad at me again. Despite the emotions it bought up I’m glad she told me because friends tell each other the truth, even if it hurts a little.

My friend told me this because she feels that towards the end my ex was being selfish and self preserving and tells me I that I need to get mad at her for it because it will help me get over her, I should move on and find someone more on my maturity level who is less “flighty. I just find it hard to do because despite her behaviour, I was withdrawing myself so I can understand how I contributed her frustrations, I feel guilty.

Maybe she needed to know this about herself but this is not how she should have found out. Now I know why she hasn't contacted me during this time, even though I know it's a good thing and that I shouldn’t care.

Deep down I want her to really think about how we both handled the situation wrong, both of us to grow up a bit and improve ourselves and then reunite happily. I'm still holding onto this false hope despite going on strong with NC and working on myself. I’ve even started to read books on how to improve myself.

I’m so frustrated that despite all that I do I’m still checking this site every few hours. I am moving on, I know it, even if its very s-l-o-w-l-y and today's events is not a big deal really.

Well tomorrow is a new day, new challenges.

[Homegirl 50]

She may not have contacted you because she has moved on, no reason to.
I think your friend telling you this was a bit tacky. It was none of her business and it obviously did not help you now did it?

This will take time but you will get through it.

[throwaway]

She may not have contacted you because she has moved on, no reason to.
I think your friend telling you this was a bit tacky. It was none of her business and it obviously did not help you now did it?

This will take time but you will get through it.

I appreciate what you mean but after talking to my friend I've felt better about it, even if it doesn't make sense to you. I'm very conscious of being an annoyance to my friends by always bringing up the break up so avoid the subject. Today she asked me how I was feeling about it. It was good to hear that she symphatises with me and understands my frustrations. This doesn't change anything with regards to my NC/healing.

[jmw0713]

Stuff happens. Those notes helped you. They were not meant for her. If she read them, then she was being nosy and it's really her fault if anything contained in them was "hurtful" to her. She didn't have to read them.

Don't worry about it. She is using this as an excuse to be mad at you. Keep doing what you are doing. If she wants to live in a drama filled environment and play he-said-she-said games let her. You don't need to be involved.

As far as the party is concerned, go if you have too. Don't seek her out. If you happen to run into her at the party, smile and wave. Maybe say "hi" and hang out with your friends for a little while. It will be tough and the feelings you still have for her will be magnified. Show up, hang out for a little bit, then leave and do something else.