[Nepolean]

Two months ago I came to know that one of my best friend was hiding a secret from me. She never told me about it even when I talked to her. This enraged me a lot as she had disclosed her secret to one of our mutual friend, but not to me. I called her and shouted at her demanding an explanation. Later, she explained her situation to me which seemed to be acceptable at that moment. I apologised to her for losing my temper.
But I get the feeling that if she had considered me as a good friend then she surely would have told me about her secret. She didn't and it irks me a lot. Both of us are working for the same company, but in different cities and before this incident happened we used to talk to each other at least once a week and we also used to text-chat a lot, but now everything has stopped. It has been two months since we spoke to each other.
I feel very bad about it and I dearly want to talk to her again.
I could easily call her and speak to her even now as I am typing this, but I get the feeling that she doesn't like me anymore ( if she likes me she would have called me by now. It seems that she has better friends :( ). What should I do? Please let me know.

[Ash123]

I am not sure I see a relationship question in your entry?

[talaniman]

Maybe the distance and the fact her other friend can talk face to face with her makes a difference. Or maybe your jealousy over who is a better friend, turns her off.

I would be turned off by your jealousy myself, and it would take a lot more than an apology to forgive your bad behavior.

Give her time and space before you go back to the way it was, because things may have changed and you may need to adjust your expectations.

Being jealousy and possessive is not a sign of friendship on your part. Frankly its selfish.

[Nepolean]

Hi Ash123 and talaniman,

Thanks for answering my question.

talaniman,
I have never been jealous of anyone in my life so far. When I think of what has happened, I just feel that I am unlucky. That's all. I am not angry with anyone. Anyone in my position would have felt the same way. What would you feel when your Mother or Father gives your little brother a present but forgets you? I am not jealous thinking that my brother has got a present. I feel hurt because my Father/Mother forgot me.

Next month is her birthday and I am thinking of talking to her on that day. I think that she will talk to me if I start to communicate with her (actually, I think that I am being silent rather than her). But I strongly get the feeling that I am not her best friend and that hurts me very much. I have never compared myself with anyone of her friends. But her act of secrecy has made me do it.

[I wish]

You can't force a friendship. Yes, it's definitely a good idea to initiate contact to show the other person that you care. But if the other person doesn't want to respond, then you can't force them to.

[Ash123]

What was the secret?

[Nepolean]

Thanks, I wish, for answering.

Ash123,

I can't really explain what the secret is. It is a long story. But I can give you a general idea of how it all happened.

More than two months ago my friend did something (which is the secret). Coincidentally, I called her twice and spoke to her about a topic which was what exactly she had done (I really don't know how I talked about it :)). A few days later her friend called me and casually mentioned about what she had done. This was when I started to lose my temper because as you may see it was like she hid the secret from me delibrately. I had talked to her exactly about what she had done but she kept her mouth shut.
When I called her demanding an explanation for her act, she spoke to me in a cool voice as though nothing had happened, as though I had never mentioned in my previous calls about what she had done .
The way she spoke drove me crazy.

This act of hers gives me one clear message - you are not my best friend. I can't really explain this. The way we used to speak to each other was like we were the best friends. I used to confide a lot of things to her. But now her attitude seems to be different. What should I do now? How should I proceed?

What should I say to her when I call her next month on her birthday? Please help me.

[I wish]

People change, feelings change. It happens.

You can't always expect to go back in time and rekindle that friendship. Things have changed and sometimes it's more about accepting the changes rather than forcing the issue.

If you want to fix the friendship, you don't have to wait until a birthday to do it. To fix a friendship, both people involved have to want to put in the necessary effort. Let her know how you feel and see how she reacts. If she doesn't feel the same way, then it's better to let the matter drop and find someone else who wants to be friends with you.

[J_9]

I think you completely and totally overreacted. If I had a friend call me demanding and yelling I'd cut off communication as well.

Apparently she did not want you to know the secret for whatever reason. I'm sure she had her reasons, maybe she was too embarrassed to tell you. (since we don't know the secret we can't guess what her emotion was regarding this).

Just because she was your best friend doesn't mean she has to tell you EVERYTHING that happens in her life. She needs her privacy as well.

You owe this girl a huge apology for acting the way you did, if she'll even hear you out. By yelling at her you may have lost your friendship with her.

[Nepolean]

OK, she has no mistake on her part. She did something which she didn't want me to know (what right do I have to know it?) and I committed the mistakes of expecting too much from her and yelling at her. Who am I to yell at her? I apologized to her and she said that it was okay and that we can move on forgetting what had happened. But I am not able to forget things. I still get restless when I think of the moment when her friend called me and said about her secret. Maybe I don't deserve her friendship. I'll just be her friend inside my mind.

If you want to fix the friendship, you don't have to wait until a birthday to do it. To fix a friendship, both people involved have to want to put in the necessary effort. Let her know how you feel and see how she reacts.

Well said, I wish. But my friend is not the emotional type. Letting her know how I feel is a total waste of time. She will not react. I know her. She will talk as though nothing ever happened which I can take to my advantage and continue and be her friend, but that is not what I want. I want her to understand what I felt, but that is not going to happen.
Thanks J_9 and I wish for trying to help me.
I'll see what happens.

[Jake2008]

You are not a sister to her, your relationship as a friend does not make you automatically privy to her private life, and what she shares or doesn't share with you, is her business, and hers alone.

Had you reacted to me that way, I would end the friendship.

If you were hurt by her not including you, you could just let her know that now that you know, if she needs to talk, just call, and you won't mention it again. But to react the way you did, even though you regret it now, sounds very territorial and jealous to me.

I have had friendships that have lasted decades, and never in my wildest dreams would I question a close friend about anything said or done that didn't include my input. In fact, if it wasn't brought to my attention by a close friend, I would have never said a word- including that I knew.

I hope you don't take offense to what I've said, I'm being the devil's advocate here, and only because I think you can learn from what you've done, and possibly get the friendship back.

I think she probably misses you too, which also goes to show that her not contacting you is probably because of your extreme reaction.

If you can truly see what you've done wrong, and that you have crossed the boundaries of friendship by not respecting her enough to back off when you should have, then by all means talk to her about it. Until you do, she knows that you could very well react the same in the future, and she likely doesn't want to worry about 'offending' you again.

With her birthday coming up, why not send her a nice card, with a handwritten note inside, telling her how you miss her, and why you understand that she has pulled away from you. Extend the olive branch, and see what happens.

You can't really do much else, and with any luck, she will see that what you displayed was truly something that you regretted, and will give you a second chance.

Good luck.

[Nepolean]

Hi Jake2008,
Thank you for answering my question. I will try to do what you have suggested. Never in my life will I question anyone about their personal decisions or about their personal life. I should have known the limits that she had set for me.

Thanks, everyone, for trying to help me.

[Nepolean]

Hi,

I just wanted to inform my friends who have answered me about this.
My friend today pinged me and we chatted for some time. Though I still like her very much I wasn't my usual self while chatting with her. It was like I was on guard to protect myself from any unnecessary trouble.

[mawtom]

I guess I don't understand this "best friend" thing. I personally have several. I thoroughly enjoy the variety of different personalities and diverse interests of my friends and I have a special relationship with each of them. It's like choosing your favorite food. How can I choose a favorite between lasagna, pork chops, baby back ribs, seared steak or salmon? I love all of them. They all have different flavors and textures. You may in the mood for one today and the other tomorrow. In a similar vein, my friends are from a variety of ages as well as racial and cultural backgrounds. Each of them brings something unique to the table (pun intended). Depending on my mood I'll chill with one on Monday and another on Tuesday. But quite honestly, who I rely on the most is ME.

[talaniman]

You are really trying to hard to make someone a friend, to get back to the way things were. Your expectations of your friend are really to high for her to possibly meet, so back off a bit, and relax.

Don't force it let it be natural, and I hope you have other things that you enjoy in your life.

Haven't talked to my best friend in years, we have totally separate lives. But we will catch up, whenever. Relax will you.

[dontknownuthin]

Your friend did nothing wrong and I would have also put you at arms length. After about 5th grade it's not even appropriate, much less a requirement or reasonable expectation, to tell every friend our every confidential bit of information. In fact, always unloading on the same friend can quickly turn us into total downers and burdens. It's a lot healthier for everyone when we cultivate a variety of relationships in our lives, and see more than one person as confidants, advisors, mentors and friends.

The fact that she told someone else and not you has nothing to do with you - it has to do with what she felt that person could provide to her in that moment, and the fact that she didn't feel she needed your advice in this instance.

[Nepolean]

Hello Friends,

I've got a very good news to share! Last week was my birthday and my friend sent me a sweet message and made me so happy. She then called me and wished me and talked to me as she always used to do. The message that she sent was so beautiful. She thwarted all the demons that I had inside my head. I will never question her. Never ever.