[looking4others]

I found out that I have a different biological father when I was 26. I've done most of the 'heavy' emotional work that stems from finding out something like this, however, I haven't found many resources (online or otherwise, aside from others like me) that could help me or those in my family who were affected by this news, despite the fact that this occurs in at least one out of every 10 children. Are there therapists or others out there who might specialize in this type of non-paternity event? For those of you who may share a similar story, how did you and your family cope? Even if I'm okay with it, I wonder if there's anything out there to help my mother (who still deals with the shame) or grandmother (who thinks I should forget about it) or my siblings (who don't know how to deal with this entirely). Thanks in advance for your insight.

[talaniman]

Glad to hear you are making good adjustments and I commend that you want to help your siblings through this as well.

Maybe checking with your local mental health facility, or a referral from a doctor can put you in touch with someone who can help, or at least guide you to local support groups, if there are any.

Good luck.

[Synnen]

You might try counselors/therapists that specialize in adoption.

Very often, adoptees have many of the same identity and emotional issues as you are going through.

[looking4others]

Thank you both for your advice! I appreciate the adoption idea, however, that's been one major obstacle--the feelings associated with learning your dad isn't your real father, while similar to some adoptees, comes with an entirely different set of feelings and consequences. I'm dealing with my mother's and family's betrayal, a mother's infidelity, shame, and since I've met my biological father, I'm not as concerned with the "why didn't my parent[s] want me" or the "will my new parents leave me" feelings that are typically associated with adoption. Thankfully, adoption has made huge strides in overcoming its negative stigma of the past. Sadly, not much has been done for those in my situation, but I'd like to change that somehow. I love the idea of the support groups. If anyone is aware of any specifically dedicated to non-paternity events, I'd love to hear from you. Talaniman and Synned, many thanks for your insight.

[Synnen]

Actually, a LOT of adoptees are not told they are adopted---ESPECIALLY children adopted by a step-parent early in their lives.

When they DO find out, there are feelings of betrayal, identity issues, trust issues stemming from the lies their parents told them about who they are/were.

Adoption still has a LOT of strides to go--because children adopted by step-parents don't even associate themselves as adoptees, and they are. And you, as an adoptee, do not even realize that the major issue that adoptees have is the loss of identity and the betrayal that they must deal with if they are not told that they were adopted from the very beginning.

I really think that you would benefit from a counselor specializing in adoption--because you are going through the Same thing as most adoptees go through.

[looking4others]

Thank you, Synnen. That is great insight. I appreciate your perspective, though I don't consider myself an adoptee. I agree that many of the feelings and emotions are alike and in many instances identitical. However, just because "adoptee" is the only term out there right now, I don't believe I have to categorize myself as someone else. I'm not an adoptee. I wasn't adopted. I have never gone through an adoption process. I may be just like an adoptee, but there should be another term in that case so that I don't have to generalize or label myself and others like myself as "someone *like* an adoptee." When I look for help, those affiliated with adoption can help me deal with some of those feelings, but not the part that pertains to me not being adopted or looking for a birth parent. The non-paternity event encompasses more than just adoption.

I didn't realize "that the major issue that adoptees have is the loss of identity and the betrayal that they must deal with if they are not told that they were adopted from the very beginning," however, I do know that that feeling is not just for adoptees--it's for people like me, too. Nowadays, many adoptees are told at a very early age (some as old as 3) in order to avoid the consequences you speak of. However, no one out there is saying to mothers, grandmothers, and fathers "tell your kids that their father isn't their father and tell them why" if it doesn't relate to adoption. I shouldn't have to go to an adoption support group if I have a different scenario. While you may not understand it, it's not the same thing as far as I'm concerned. So, I'm looking to see if there are others who are in my situation, are not adopted, and are looking either for some sort of support group outside of adoption resources (or, if they've found help via adoption resources, I'd like to hear about it). I may create a forum since I don't believe there's anything else out there. In the meantime, I'd be interested in hearing from anyone who's been in a similar situation and hear your thoughts. Thank you in advance for sharing :)

[Synnen]

Ah, I misunderstood. I thought perhaps that your mother had married a man that had adopted you at an early age--so that you were raised with a father, but NOT your biological father.

And actually--read through a lot of the threads here about women who want to have their boyfriend/husband/fiancee adopt their children because the biological father isn't a part of their life. A LOT of them are lying to their children about who their fathers are--and we at AMHD adamantly advise against it. Most counselors advise against it as well--but the animosity these women feel toward their ex is too great for them to consider more than their own feelings--they forget that their child has a right to this information, and indeed needs it to process their own identity.

PS--most adoptees are now told from birth that they are adopted, to keep this exactly thing from happening.

PPS--I'd love to have you stick around the boards and answer the questions some of these women ask about not telling their children about their biological father. Your insight to it could help a whole lot of kids grow up actually KNOWING their biological history.

[looking4others]

I would LOVE to help! I am so on board with you and the other counselors who advise against lying to the children about who the birth parents are. My mother had an affair, my dad knew and decided to stick around until I was born to see what they'd do (they were no longer happily married after 1.5 years). When I was born, he says he fell so in love with me that he couldn't leave me to be raised without a dad. He's a noble man and this is just one of many things he did to prove it. He and my biological father did have contact--my dad is actually the one who handed me over to my bio-dad at my christening so that he could meet and hold me. :) No one in the family ever spoke of it, and it wasn't until I finally asked the 'right way' that I got somewhat of an affirmative response from my mother (I'd been asking since I was a teen because I just didn't look like my siblings or my dad). My mom, like the women you speak of, still couldn't get past her own issues enough to tell me the truth straight out. What these parents may not realize, is that us kids *do* know something's different, and the psychological effects from growing up in an environment where you sense something's up can prove to be detrimental to how this child sees and forms intimate relationships. I'm currently doing some research with a friend (who, like me, found out the same way, only he was 23) about the phsychological effects this has on a child. He grew up feeling detached from his family because he didn't look like them nor did he 'feel' the same way they did (had different interests, athletic abilities, etc), he didn't know why and thought he was going insane until a family friend finally sat him down and told him he had a different father. I see so many parents wondering what to do, and many adults wondering what to do now that they know and no one seems to (a) know what to do, or (b) want to talk about it openly. Synnen, how to you suggest I might get more involved with the threads you mention above? And thank you again for sharing your point of view. I really appreciate it.

[Fr_Chuck]

Well of course I do always argue that the person who raised you, was there for the bloody nose, for school work and the such is the real father, the other person merely was the man who helped with your birth.

If you are religious, there are many good religious couselors, and often it is not the specific issues, but how to handle the problems in your own way, and finding them

[Synnen]

I dislike the term "real" when applied to a parent--but your dad (and you refer to him as such) seems like a terrific father, and you're very lucky to have him.

As for how to help--read the rules of the site again so that you know what's "out of bounds", and start answering questions you feel you are qualified to give answers to! As long as you are respectful to other members and to the OP (original poster)--you should do fine.

[looking4others]

Agreed on the "real" term. I've been dealing with this for the past 9 years and admittedly, it takes some time to figure out how you choose to refer to each parent/person involved (I refuse to call my siblings "half-" or "step-") as with any new/developing relationship. Thanks for the suggestions, Synnen.

Fr_Chuck, thank you, too! I am not religious, but am spiritual, however, I appreciate your input, too. You are so right when you speak about the "how" in handling problems. I've found that my biggest issue wasn't so much having a different biological father as much as it was how my family handled (after I found out) it that caused the most hurt. Thank you again.

[danidoe]

I just found out too, through a DNA test. I was told of the possibility several years ago but did not have the means to go about finding out for sure and didn't want to upset anyone. Both my parents are deceased now and I accidentally ran into an individual with the same name (of my 'could be' dad.) I told this near stranger, about the possibility and we had the tests done. I'm not sure what I feel, at this point. I know my brother- the one I thought was my whole brother would freak out if I told him. I am a bit concerned about my daughter, who is still young and knew her grandfather- that wasn't really her grandfather. This is very bizare and I haven't really begun to absorb it yet. By the way, I was made during a rape, by a well known(locally)person, who is also deceased. No-one knew about it, that I know of, and still, no-one knows. I did not tell my newly found half brother and I'm not sure if I even will.