[MKat101]

I recently found out (by accident) that my boyfriends ex sent him naked photo's of herself.
Here's the gist:
Basically, he has an online phone account (as do I) and I thought I was logging into my online phone account. (I have it saved password and all).
Anyway, it was his account, and I noticed these messages and phone calls (some lasting for hours) from someone I had never heard of.
The messages began to go along the line of :
"unknown woman": so is this just a thing?
"boyfriend": what are you talking about, marriage?
"unknown woman": no, just, is this a thing or a thing.
I became quite concerned since it ended with him basically telling her he didn't want to talk about it, he was a 'simple guy' with 'simple needs' and she was stressing him out.
I then checked his email, since I was starting to feel like the 'other woman' and had just found out about his 'other' relationship!
There was nothing in his inbox, and boy did I check... (He keeps every email he has ever recieved). Or so I thought, until I checked his sent box.
There were several emails to and from this woman all in a few day period.
She had sent sexually explicit photo's of herself, saying things like "I wish you were here doing this to me" etc.
What made me sick is that he had responded in kind!
"I wish I was where your hand is now". etc.
I almost threw up, then went and confronted him. We discussed the situation... well... I flipped out on him and threw a screaming fit... then left... then he came over to talk to me about what happened.
He explained that she was a super needy woman that he has known since high school that he had a thing for then, but over the years has grown to dislike a great deal. He was going through a rough patch and basically used her. (Knowing that she was drunk and would send naughty photo's if he played her).
He had not spoken to this woman since that night, other than to refuse her request to get together. (They live in different towns).
She had not tried to speak to him, until recently...
I asked him if she was still speaking to him, and he said that recently she had been.
She had contacted him about a month ago, talking about a new guy she was into, and whether she should 'go for it' or if they might have a chance. (Since she'd been holding out for my boyfriend apparently).
He informed me that he told her to go for it, and a few other less pleasant things, and she cried. He believes that she won't contact him again, and I asked him to tell me if she does.
All the history, sorry, but my question is... Am I being delusional in believing him?
In all other ways, we truly have a fantastic relationship. I know that I have trust issues, and I want to believe he has been faithful to me, just made an erroneous error in judgement.
I did apologize when I went through his emails, it was his personal and private email account.
I just want to know how likely is it for a guy to accept naked photo's from a woman and not really think it's a big deal? Or that it may not be a big deal to the woman he currently loves?
What thoughts do you have to help move past something like this?
At this point, I am plagued with the desire to contact this woman, though I know she hasn't done anything wrong... (Stupid though, definitely)!

Thanks for your input in advance

[JudyKayTee]

So he admitted he used another women (or other women) when he was feeling insecure or unloved or experiencing a rough patch in his life?

To me emotional cheating is the same as physical cheating - this, to me, would be cheating.

I wouldn't contact the women - she doesn't owe you a thing. Him? That's a different story.

I would be out of this relationship so fast I'd leave skid marks.

This is an indicator of his character - a very strong indicator of his character.

[talaniman]

I agree with Judy, as you should pay attention to how he handled himself, and even now, how he handles things, now that you have uncovered what was once hidden.

Everything is in the open now, so it takes TIME, ACTIONS (both his, and yours), and a lot of COMMUNICATIONS, for trust to be rebuilt.

If your looking for a quick fix, there are none, as this may be a long process so you better think long, and hard about how you handle YOUR trust issues, and not give in to impulsive emotional behavior, as words, and actions are hard to forget, just as you will always have what he has done in the back of your mind.

But I think if you both work together, this can be overcome, and if you cannot, you will not survive as a couple.

The bottom line is to think long, and hard what you want from this relationship, and get together a plan to work through your issues. Start with setting some clear boundaries of good behavior that you both can agree on.

If you BOTH are willing, there may be hope.

[Romefalls19]

I'd be long go on the first train out. He uses people, thinks what he did is no big deal because she was drunk, oh well. He plays with people's emotions. He deserves a broken jaw

[cindychick06]

Why does everyone woman feel guilty when she find's her man in a lie. My ex use to say that crap to me well you shouldn't have gone through my personal things, if you weren't trying to hide something then you wouldn't need to keep everything under lock and key. I was always brought up that if you have to keep everything under lock and key that you probably have something to hide. I believe everyone deserves their own time and space but I think this guy is just bad news! Why wouldn't he have told you about her before, if that was the case, why was it hidden. Good luck I hope it does work out for you but I'm with Judy, I'd be out of there fast too!

[Homegirl 50]

Don't call the girl, you have no right. She has made no commitment to you, your boyfriend is another story.

If you believe him, it would make me ill that he has such disregard for woman, if you don't believe him, leave his butt alone. I'd leave him anyway. His story is a bit of a stretch IMO.

[CarrotTalker]

"I know that I have trust issues, and I want to believe he has been faithful to me, just made an erroneous error in judgement."

I think anyone in your shoes would have trouble trusting this type of person. I don't think you have trust issues based on what you wrote, your gut is telling you he is dishonest.

[Devorameira]

Getting naked pictures from an ex is a really big deal. They’ve definitely been involved in emotional cheating... could even be much more.

Some people may argue that since emotional cheating falls just short of physical cheating they aren’t really all that bad, but this is wrong. Emotional cheating can hurt just as much as physical cheating and sometimes even more. Emotional cheating involves all the lying and mistrust that physical cheating does, and the damage often takes much longer to overcome.

Before you try to put this one back together, I recommend you take your time and really consider moving on. If you can’t bring yourself to move on, then the burden for fixing this broken relationship is on him, not you.

He should be crawling over broken glass begging for your forgiveness. He should be doing everything in his power to prove that you can trust him, that you’re safe with him. He should be expressing deep remorse. Anything less than a gigantic effort on his part is crumbs and you’ll be settling for less.

[mudweiser]

In my opinion, he lied, he cheated. Leave him. He's a waste of time and he's scud.

Guys that are sneaky like that never really change. Oh hell reddie me if you want, but I bet you he's hiding more crap, he just hasn't been caught yet.

Don't contact the girl, she had no idea-- good thing you realized it was a silly idea.

You caught him, now what? Don't give him the chance to do this to you again. Dump the dirtbag.

[Torrid13]

I'm glad you didn't contact the girl: things would have gotten super ugly, super fast.

Look, cheating is cheating, no matter what form it takes. Not only is this guy an immature douche that thinks playing with people is fun (think of him being a kid killing ants with a magnifying glass & sunlight), but he also doesn't respect your feelings! AND! He can't communicate to save his life!

3 strikes, he's out.

[Torrid13]

About the 3 strikes, I was just referring to the issues that jumped out most to me, not that he deserved 3 chances or just made only 3 mistakes.

[Jake2008]

A mistake in judgment would have been him taking an extra 50 bucks out of the chequing account without your knowledge, to go to the pub with his baseball team. A bigger mistake in judgment would have been him putting a second mortgage on the home, and driving up in a brand new car. A mistake in judgment would have been shooting the neighbours cat, or putting your antiques in a yard sale while you were getting your hair done.

What he has done has nothing to do with judgment. It has everything to do with deceipt, cheating, using people, and having an ongoing relationship, an inappropriate one at that, with a woman who feels free enough with him encouraging her, to send nude photos of herself, that he willingly accepted.

He did not mention that she was in touch with him, or he was in touch with her- to you. He didn't come running into the kitchen saying, "you wouldn't believe what just happened, look at THIS!!". It wasn't something that was done to him, it was something that he willingly participated in, and there is no way to excuse it as an error in judgment. He encouraged her remember?

I'm not so sure that you going into his phone account and then his email was a 'mistake'. Could it be that you had been having some questions about his behaviour, maybe a change in attitude, or something just feeling suspicious?

In any event, the positive side is you now know without a doubt what he has done, and it is up to you to decide what to do now. If you choose counselling, and try to put this relationship on track, more power to you. I would have a very difficult time staying with a man who lies so easily, even when he's caught red handed.