[comfortzone]

Hi,

First time poster or is it blogger.Anyway,a bit of history. You know when you're young there's this ideal world.You get married,kids etc.etc. the whole world is yours for the asking.

Well I found a girl who loved me,she was an alcoholic until the day she killed herslf.That day hurt and changed me.I grieve and wish things were different.I went on line to help heal a broken heart and met this wonderful women who had just lost her fiancé and this turned into a platonic relationship and has been for the last 17 years. People labelled it as co-dependant relationship but if I was to move it would cripple her as she now has been diagnosed with cancer and me leaving would kill her.

Now here's the problem 4 years ago I met a girl in another city and we hit it off.Fell in love.It was a trying relationship due to the distance and because of my prior commitments.
The girl from the distant relationship has moved on but the problem is I love her with every fiber of my being.I want to move to where she is to see of I can rekindle this relationship somehow but I'm stuck because of my commitment to a friend who needs me and has cancer.

I'll stop here for now.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Should I move to the where she is with the hope of restarting something or staying where I am. I know the mistake I made and regret it but what should I do.

[eveamee09]

Oh wow. You have been through so much and I really admire the way you've stuck by this friend with cancer and how much you care about her. It is a really selfless thing to do to put her before yourself, many people couldn't do that.

However, I believe that sometimes it is important to make ourselves happy, because if you just go on pleasing other people, there is a strong chance that you may lose the possibility of happiness for yourself. You say you feel in love with somebody else, but that she has "moved on now". Are you sure that she might want to give it another try? You might want to ask her this before you move there! Is there any way you could do both, such as still support the friend with cancer over the phone and with weekend visits, and also move to see this other woman if she will have you? I wonder if you have got in contact with her to see if she still loves you too and is willing to meet again.

[Homegirl 50]

This lady left because of other commitments on your side. It appears those commitments are still there and how fair would it be to track her down, especially since she has moved on, and you still have the same issues?

Does the friend with cancer know about your relationship with this woman? Have you two talked about it?
How long has this lady been gone, and where is your friend health wise as far as the cancer is concerned?
If she is not doing well, maybe you are thinking about this other girl because you are losing another friend.

If you approach this woman, you should not do it unless you are willing to fix the original problems. If not, leave her alone.

[Jake2008]

Regardless of your relationship with both women, you made a choice to support your friend.

I presume that the woman who moved was aware of this relationship, and would have stayed if she was interested in a relationship with you? Is that why she moved?

I would think that your friend would be supportive after all these years, of you being happy. And in a loving relationship, and living your life with someone you love.

Are you maybe using the friendship as an excuse not to explore other opportunities in your life?

From what you've said, I don't think that you've necessarily lost one or the other, you just made a choice to not pursue what you want, because of your friend.

I would think your friend would be supportive, and encourage you to pursue the woman, that's what friends do. She knows you won't abandon her, and will remain in touch and supportive no matter what happens.

There is always a balance between friends and lovers, but I don't see where it was, or is, necessary for you to feel that you have to give up one or the other.

Why can't you have both.

[talaniman]

If any one cannot get over your support of a dying friend, screw them, so why chase a ghost who has moved on? Real couples support the choices their partners make, and don't run away when it gets difficult, so take that as she must not be the one to share your journey with.

Decisions are hard to make, but you have a tough choice, go with the facts you have, as there is no guarantee for anything in life. Even talk to your friend. As there are many ways to stay in touch through hard times.

When confused as to what to do, give it some thought and do the right thing for yourself, and figure out what commitments are a higher priority for you. You seem to have many.

[comfortzone]

Regardless of your relationship with both women, you made a choice to support your friend.

I presume that the woman who moved was aware of this relationship, and would have stayed if she was interested in a relationship with you? Is that why she moved?

I would think that your friend would be supportive after all these years, of you being happy. And in a loving relationship, and living your life with someone you love.

Are you maybe using the friendship as an excuse not to explore other opportunities in your life?

From what you've said, I don't think that you've necessarily lost one or the other, you just made a choice to not persue what you want, because of your friend.

I would think your friend would be supportive, and encourage you to persue the woman, that's what friends do. She knows you won't abandon her, and will remain in touch and supportive no matter what happens.

There is always a balance between friends and lovers, but I don't see where it was, or is, necessary for you to feel that you have to give up one or the other.

Why can't you have both.

Thank-you for the reply but she tellls me she has moved on and tells me to find someone new. I hate this situation and wish I moved with her when she asked me to a couple of years ago.She has been dating and recently asked me to go to LA with her ( Platonically) I'm living in a pit of despair.Not knowing if I should call or email.I just want a chance as I'm 57 and this is my last chance at happiness.

[I wish]

Thank-you for the reply but she tellls me she has moved on and tells me to find someone new. I hate this situation and wish I moved with her when she asked me to a couple of years ago.She has been dating and recently asked me to go to LA with her ( Platonically) I'm living in a pit of despair.Not knowing if I should call or email.I just want a chance as I'm 57 and this is my last chance at happiness.

You have your answer. She told you to move on and to find someone new.

I know you feel like you regret your decision, but you can't keep living in the past. Move forward with your life. Learn from this experience for next time. Keep meeting new people.

[talaniman]

Don't let your age make you desperate, you still have plenty of options and opportunities if you care to look around and use them. Giving in to desperate feelings leads to desperate solutions and chasing the ghosts of the past is pretty desperate.

Maybe putting your commitments in a better order of priority would help, and unless you're taking care of this friend personally, there are other options other than putting your own life, and happiness second. You have never explained why this friend in need has never progressed beyond friend, but whatever that reason is, you can't ignore that you have put that friendship ahead of yourself. That's what I don't understand.

[Homegirl 50]

This lady has moved on. You need to let go of the idea of her.
Maybe part of your problem is you have hidden yourself away in this platonic friendship for so long you are now regretting it.
Surely this friend does not expect you to not have a life. So why haven't you had a life and why did you let this woman get away?
It has been 2 years, why have you not met someone else or are you still hiding?

[comfortzone]

I made a promise to look after my friend with Cancer.Part of the reason I'm still here. Maybe I was hiding,though I feel I wasn't I was trying to do the right thing. I love my friend dearly, and its more like a brother /sister love as I helped her over the years emotionally&financially then my dating caused a conflict. Other reasons I'm still here is a good paying Job and the city I'm in is another. 2 years ago I wasn't ready to give any of this up and now I am. It's a gamble starting over new city,new job etc. My love for her continues to push me there.

UPDATE:
The girl I love and lives in another city called me Saturday to talk. She knows how I feel about her but I'm having trouble reading her now. Feeling like I'm in Limbo.I asked her if I was to move to where she was did she think there was a chance for us,and she said she didn't know.
I want to be supportive to my friend and I don't want to feel like I would be the cause of an early death as in the case of my wife's suicide.Maybe I should let my happiness wait just awhile longer.
Why did she call? Was she drunk? Does she miss me as much as I miss her? I want to wite to her but don't ,I want to call but don't.I don't want sound desperate and maybe I am.

Thanks to all of you who have responded.

[Homegirl 50]

So do you somehow feel responsible for your wife'suicide and that is why you are afraid to have a life a part from your friend?
You said your dating caused a conflict with your friend and what you do for her, I'm thinking the friendship you have with caused the conflict in your personal life.

I admire what you do for this friend, but it is done to the detriment of your social life and that sounds a bit twisted to me.
How does this friend feel about your dating?

[comfortzone]

To answer you ,I did at one time feel responsible for what happened to my wife and that's part of the reason I got caught up in this twisted relationship with my friend.
My friend knows I'm unhappy and that she has been a burden to me and has taken up a lot of time and wishes I was happier. So I would think she would be OK if I dated.
I still have feelings for this girl in another city even though I know she has moved on, but I think there's still hope because why did she call?

I also feel guilty if I abandoned my friend at this time to date.Based on past esperience women aren't to thrilled about their boyfriend having a platonic relationship with another female so I would have to make a choice.Last time I choose the friendship this time It will have to be the relationship and that's going to hurt more than me.

I'm still at a loss at what to do next. Do I call should I write her,quit and move to where she is or just give up and focus on work.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts

[Homegirl 50]

Her being OK if you date should not come into play. It is none of her business or concern unless she harbors feelings for you. Does this woman have family?

I don't think leaving would cripple her, if it does, you need to leave it anyway because the relationship is unhealthy if that is the case.

Maybe this lady contacted you to see how you are doing, I don't know, but I think it would be a good idea to allow her to contact you again, not you her. I also think it might be a good idea to get a life a part from your platonic friend, it does not sound healthy as you have put your life aside worrying about crippling her.

This ex is not the only woman in the world, get out and meet other women.


If she has taken the step to call you and ask you to go on a trip with her, go!

[artistway]

Hi,

First time poster or is it blogger.Anyway,a bit of history. You know when you're young there's this ideal world.You get married,kids etc.etc. the whole world is yours for the asking.

Well I found a girl who loved me,she was an alcoholic until the day she killed herslf.That day hurt and changed me.I grieve and wish things were different.I went on line to help heal a broken heart and met this wonderful women who had just lost her fiancé and this turned into a loving relationship and was for the last 20 years. People labelled it as a co-dependant relationship.Maybe so.She was diagnosed with cancer and has now passed away.

I miss her.She was my life and the memories hunt me, tears burn and my heart feels like it's being ripped out again. My faith is challenged and I feel I just may not be right. I can't take another loss and anything and everything becomes a challenge.

I grieve alone,as I did before.I know there is help out there but I don't care for it. Sleep seems to be a remedy and takes away some of the grieving time.

Anyway I don't know what my next move is,that's why I'm here.

[JudyKayTee]

I was widowed. I understand what you are going through. Your life as you know it gets ripped out from under you. Everyone grieves in a different fashion, on a different time frame. I would think I had come to terms with my grief and then it would come in a wave that literally knocked me over. I slept very little, spent a lot of nights in the dark at the kitchen table or out on my deck. I didn't use the word "widow" in conversation for the first year. Faith? I think I lost mine. Other people don't.

I tried to never look past "today." I got up in the morning and decided I would accomplish one thing - sometimes it was mow the lawn, sometimes it was do laundry. It gave me purpose. I couldn't and didn't sleep in "our" bed for over six months.

But I found that life does go on, one day you smile again (although I felt very guilty). I put away all of my husband's photos. I couldn't bear to look at them. (Now I am at peace and they are "out" again.) I literally couldn't eat and dropped a lot of weight - my Doctor was concerned.

There were nights when I stood in the shower and sobbed and beat my hands against the walls. I remember driving home one night about 10 months after he died, suddenly being overcome with grief, pulling over to the side of the road and crying my heart out.

Does it get better? Yes, or we'd all be suicidal and/or insane. I was fortunate - my husband was adamant that I go on. I've posted this before - he felt strongly that I would do him no honor by dying with him. He always told me I HAD to go on. And I did.

It's difficult and unless someone has buried a spouse, it's difficult to understand. I can sympathize with people who lose a child but can I truly understand? No. A spouse? I've been there. Your world stops, as you know it, right then and there.

Remember to be kind to yourself - do whatever it takes to find peace. Maybe it's group. Maybe it's a friend you can talk to. Maybe it's just sitting alone in the dark.

When people told me it would get better I got highly offended. I was wrong. They were right. You live through it because you pretty much have no choice and time makes a difference.

I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you peace.

[vexxed]

I married my high school sweetheart when I was 16. We were married for 10 years when he died. We had two boys one 6 and the other 8. I used to have nightmares about him all the time. I cried for hours almost every day for the longest time. I didn't know how to live with life w/o him. I felt guilty every time I caught myself enjoying life. To answer your question... for me, I never found anything to help me. After a lot of grieving and painful days it sort of all just faded away. I don't know exactly when it happened, but it's been 11 years since he died and when I think back to my life with him and his death it seems like someone else's life. This may not be what your wanting to hear, but in my situation I feel it was a painful process I HAD to go through in order to get better. There was no avoiding it or easing it.

[Fr_Chuck]

I lost two of my wives, one was shot and killed, another died of cancer. There is no easy or magic cure, it hurts and you will cry, even months latter or at times years latter a special song will play, or some memory comes back, I started by keeping a journal and would often go by myself and just talk to her.
Next I wanted to continue and live my life to honor them and things they held important in their life.

I also knew how much each one felt for me, and I knew also that they would want me to go on with my life.

[Curlyben]

>Threads Merged<

Both comfortzone and artistway are the same person, so I have merged these to avoid any confusion.

[JudyKayTee]

If same person posted twice, a year apart, in different names is that person a "first time poster"... or not? I don't think so.

Good catch.