[mh1270]

I would really appreciate anyone's advice, especially if they have been through something similar.

I have been dating my boyfriend off and on, mostly on for the past three years. He's grown increasingly more violent towards me. He never beats me up or anything but I'm definitely frightened by him when he's upset. He's also grown increasingly more needy and we recently moved in together. He wants us to spend all our time together, and often alone together. He makes me feel separated from the rest of my friends and even family sometimes. He was depressed and then suicidal and now has been diagnosed as bipolar. He tells me he wants me to be the one to take care of him and makes me feel trapped. I feel like if something happens to him its my fault and will be on my head. I'm so sad and so scared, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should be taking care of him or running for my life, or just getting some space. I know that's a lot to digest but if anyone could help me please do. I need help.

[fj]

Please read this very interesting article:

Signs that you are dating a looser at

http://www.mental-health-matters.com....php?artID=157

[kmodek]

RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!
My ex was the same way, yet he was able to somehow make me think it was totally normal to live that way. When I gave birth to our daughter, she became my sole concern and I left his butt and never went back!
He alienated me from my family (they all disliked him), he'd accuse me of looking for other guys if I ever even mentioned going out for drinks w/ friends-to the point that it was easier to just not go than to argue and deal with his accusations and horrible attitude. His mother has always done everything for him and he expected the same from me, which is why we fought all the time. I changed myself A LOT to fit what I thought would work w/ him and he never even noticed, so I was dumb to even do that to myself! He had no respect for me and made me feel like I'd never find anyone else,etc. Yet when I spoke of leaving him, he'd do a 360 and suddenly be Mr. Loving, swearing he'd change,etc. I gave him the chance so many times and he ALWAYS let me down.
Now he's with a girl (2 years now) and he's got her in the Same position... she has no family in state, no friends, she does everything for him, he's extremely jealous, yet cheats on HER,etc.
He REALLY needs to be on medication for depression and anger management too, but his gfriend is now SO dependent on him that he can basically treat her however he wants and know she won't leave him.
Girl, DON'T think your guy will EVER change! He has serious issues and you can NOT fix them. It is also NOT your responsibility to put up with someone who can't treat the closest person to them in a decent manner!
You deserve better and I think you KNOW he's not good for you or you wouldn't be writing about it!
Get out NOW. Either he'll wake up and get help to fix his emotional problems, or he'll get worse and blame you for it (this is VERY common, they NEVER are responsible for what happens to them)
He is a control freak and you are in an abusive relationship.
I never realized this until AFTER I left and searched online and found 'symptom' lists of an abusive boyfriend and he fit almost EVERY ONE! Your's does too!
GET OUT NOW!! You will NOT regret it!

[Steph16]

I am currently with a guy who is bipolar. I can't seem to handle the emotional roller coaster. It really is a frustrating ride. If you truly love the person and it for sure is bipolar you have to live with patience. It's not his fault. For me it helps to give my advice and work him through the tough times. Also: Don't blame things on yourself. If he gets depressed- It's not your fault... the only thing you can accomplish is giving your support and making sure his depression doesn't reach a severe point. Give him a hug, hold his hand and assure him that with time everything can heal. See a therapist and talk out problems if needed. I didn't mention- I'm 16. My opinion and adivce still is quality- It's just about the experiences I have been through. Good luck! :)

[Jahiem28]

Hi Living with someone who has Bi-polar can be a real hard thing to do. I know first hand. I live with someone who had Bi-polar for 20 years. I agree with Steph16 you truly have to by very patience. With love and support it could truly work. But the key is finding a good doctor who can prescribe the right medicine to keep the Bi-polar under control. It sad there are a lot of people that are sick because the doctor is giving them the wrong type of treatment. Once under control someone with Bi-polar can live a normal life. GOOD LUCK!!

[Sunshine4]

:cool: Strange world we live in. I read the replies, good luck on your decisions.
*As women "we love too much". Pick up a copy of Robin Norwood's book
Women who love too much, really good.
*You need some space to find out if you really love him or are you mothering him and are afraid to be alone.
*Is he really bi-polar or is he using that as an excuse to treat you badly?
*Al-Anon offers support to women who don't know they are addicted to "bad guys"
*Also remember your not throwing away 3 years of anything, if you choose to leave an abusive relationship you are "Starting a New and Wonderful Life"
You have to be happy with who you are first before you can take on a relationship and he has to be a Whole and Happy person too.

****Good Luck****Have Faith****Pray****
From a 41 year old female who just ended a 1 1/2year relationship with the man of my dreams (I thought) found out he lied to me, is on drugs, is bi-polar but blames all life's problems on me. He is always the victim.

Got the best wake up call of my life at an Al-Anon meeting when I realized that he might have had his own problems but I also was searching for the wrong kind of man. My eyes are open now and I am enjoying live so much more being single, dating, caring for my kids. It is full and happy!

[littlepunkster06]

My boyfriend is almost the same way, but he won't admit to it. He blames it all on his parents, and yeah that's part of it, but he needs to smell the coffee and do something about it. Mine won't even take meds, because he feels better with out them.. Nice excuse. Good Luck. :)

[Glenie d]

To all concerened, I just wanted to respond and let let anyone who is in a relationship like the above mentioned know, I UNDERSTAND. You just don't know what to do, you know something is really wrong and you just want to stop the madness! At this point in my life, I think I have some type of codependency and attract controlling, needy men and Bi-polar people. I was previously married to a man who I found out had Narcisstic Personality Disorder. After him I met another guy who I thought was wonderful, but resently, as of this weekend finally saw his true colors when he became insanely jealous over a complete stranger that I was talking to while we were fishing. It was not normal. As of today, he is still talking about how I disrespected him by talking to this man, (of which I do not know his name or even care) for one hour. I was really amazed at his reaction to this even after I told him I was talking to him about what it is like living in Alabama since that is where he is from. My boyfriend recently after we visited, desparately wants to move there so I wanted to know what the job market was like. He just didn't care about that, just that I was talking to another man. My boyfriend has had repeaded outbursts of rage through out our relationship of 6 months, walking out, making scenes in public, and my favorite he just shuts down and does not talk at all no matter how many questions I ask or attempts to have a conversation with him. I let him know on this past Monday that I had enough of his abuse. Because I recognized that's what it was from my past marriage. Then I saw an article on the internet about BPD-Boarderline Personality Disorder. When I read this article I knew that was what he had. Today I tried to research further and read the article on recognizing a Looser. That really confirmed it for me. I now know what I have to do. As much as I love him (why is my concern) I must get out of this relationship for the safety of my 9 year old child and myself. He has all the characteristics of a Looser. I am very concerned and ashamed to say I didn't recognize them or I denied that he was one because I was so attracked to this man. Even when he would tell me stories of the fights he was in and I saw him physically fighting with his 17 year old son, I still didn't get it. I could be next. He has no job now, no apartment, no car or drivers licence. He however, is very gifted in various areas that captivated me - Cullenary (cooks really well), painting fix all, comedian (very funny), chimney cleaning, electrical work and was in the military traveled to Germany and lived in Hawaii. Which I always see the potential, not the true facts. Strangely he is concerned about me talking to a stranger when he is always talking and flirting with women he doesn't know or knows, he has a lot of chrisma. I was also lulled into the false security that he is a loving caring person because he takes care of his aling mother and 17 year old son. Which I could identify with. I also know for a fact that he has been talking to old flames on his cell, which he keeps on silent and in the past has dated through the interenet. In two of his past relationships one of his girlfriends had a nervous breakdown and the last one, a deaf mute, he physically abused according to his son. She also came from a previous abusive relationship. After careful thought, I have surmmized this man to be a Womenizing Looser who despartely needs psychiatric help. I just want to thank FJ Newbie who sent the e-mail above with the link http://www.mental-health-matters.com. Thank you so much, you have changed my destiny. I hope that someone can benefit from my story. If you have any comments or words of encouragement as I try to get out of this relationship, they are greatly apreciated at this time. God bless you all.

Glenie d

[toonking]

On and off for the past three years? Maybe it's time for an "off".

Never blame yourself for anybody else's problem. ALWAYS look out for "number one", that being you. He's an adult, and if he doesn't want to take his meds, then it's time to end this relationship now before he does some very serious physical damage to you. Just because he's been non-violent up to this point doesn't mean he never will be.

Also, lay down som contingency plans based on several scenarios that might occur if you do leave him. Make certain your friends will be there to back you up if need be. And, as a fail safe, have some muscle on stand by, just in case.

I'm not ing around on that last part, either. Hopefully it will never get to that, but I've known a few women in my life who's boyfriends/husbands physically abused them without fear of any retaliation. Some serious beef in your corner is ALWAYS a fantastic deterrent.

[Wildcat21]

You ca never fix someone - EVER. I tried with my last lady - it's wrong. I thought I could - never dated someone like that before.

They need to want to fix themselves.

[2Lex]

Hi, Ive been reading everyone's stories on here and mine sounds a lot like everybody else's. I have a boyfriend(hes 18) of a year that is Bipolar. He treats my SO good sometimes.. Then other times he will say he wants to break up then comes right back to me a couple hours later. Just recently he told me he was not in love with me anymore.. And instead of crying about it.. I just told him that was okay and that whatever happens happens.. Well this made him really mad.. I went through all the name calling.. for.. about 7 straight hours. According to him, I was a slut, a ****ing *******, a whore, a liar, a cheater, crazy, insane... The list keeps going. He also told me he was going to kill me and that he had it all planned out. Then, He tried to kill himself with snorting meth while washing pills down with alcohol... He didn't succeed luckily.. But did end up having to go to the ER. He stayed up all night then at about 6 the next morning he apologized for everything and said his life wouldn't be worth living if I wouldn't go back to him.. And that he would try to kill himself again if he thought he couldn't have me back.. So I am back with him.. again. Im so confused about what I should do.. Oh, and Im 15.. btw

[phillysteakandcheese]

I understand the feeling of not wanting to "walk out" on someone that is "in need", however you have to ask yourself, "Is this relationship healthy for me or worth my time and effort?". There's come a point where your boyfriend/girfriend/spouse is just "too far over the edge" - drowing in their own emotional or mental illness - for you to maintain a relationship with.

Living with threats of self-harm, violence, and emotional abuse is nothing but a recipie for disaster.

[milliec]

To mh 1270 and 2 lex
I'll begin at the end: RUN AWAY
A relationship shouldn't be a trap, it's a trap because you're there for all the wrong reasons - emotional extortion
It's hard to leave someone who's in this situation, especially after a siucide attempt but you have to consider your safety first
You need counselling,to make the break up happen, and to help you through after it does.
Take care and goo luck, and write us
Millie
p.s. to mh1270 never wrote again since September 04 - are you o.k.
m.

[whoaitspris]

I can relate with every post on this page. I Don't know what to do anymore. I Feel like I'm going crazy. Someone please help me. What happened with you in the end?

[here4BD]

I would really appreciate anyones advice, especially if they have been through something similar.

I have been dating my boyfriend off and on, mostly on for the past three years. He's grown increasingly more violent towards me. He never beats me up or anything but I'm definitely frightened by him when he's upset. He's also grown increasingly more needy and we recently moved in together. He wants us to spend all our time together, and often alone together. He makes me feel seperated from the rest of my friends and even family sometimes. He was depressed and then suicidal and now has been diagnosed as bipolar. He tells me he wants me to be the one to take care of him and makes me feel trapped. I feel like if something happens to him its my fault and will be on my head. I'm so sad and so scared, I dont know what to do. I dont know if I should be taking care of him or running for my life, or just getting some space. I know thats a lot to digest but if anyone could help me please do. I need help.

HI - sorry to hear about your situation. I have been in similar and one as of late that really got bad. I didn't think I was going to make it out of the relationship alive. This must be hard for you but your feeling scared every day is not going to improve. If you look at your history with this man you said it yourself it's just getting worse. He needs help, and until he gets it he's going to direct all his anger and insecurities at you so your life is just going to get worse. Stress to him how you feel and tell him he needs to get help and until he does, you need some time off. This will give you the space you need to see how it feels to not have that pressure everyday - you might feel a whole lot better.

[whoaitspris]

HI - sorry to hear about your situation. I have been in similiar and one as of late that really got bad. I didn't think I was going to make it out of the relationship alive. This must be hard for you but your feeling scared every day is not going to improve. If you look at your history with this man you said it yourself it's just getting worse. He needs help, and until he gets it he's going to direct all his anger and insecurities at you so your life is just going to get worse. Stress to him how you feel and tell him he needs to get help and until he does, you need some time off. This will give you the space you need to see how it feels to not have that pressure everyday - you might feel a whole lot better.

This just totally helped me. Thank you

[sammie79]

I left my boyfriend one and a half years ago. He was exactly the same, very controlling wanted to spend time alone all the time, yet when we were alone I couldn't do anything! If I talked to him about things he just stared at the T.V. then told me to shut up. If I answered a call from my friends he used to shout in the background `Oh for god sake I`m trying to watch TV and relax after work, talk to her tomorrow.` Im not a weak person, but I don`t like to fight and he preyed on this. He hated me seeing friends and in the end he didn't even like me seeing my family, saying I saw them too much. He used to put me down every chance he got, ridicule what I wore and generally made me so sad and upset.
One night after work I went out with my friend (who he hated but was scared of because she spoke her mind and told him what she thought of him! )And I met a man that changed my life. We were friends at first but to cut a long story short he gave me the insight I needed to leave my controlling boyfriend. We moved away and have never been happier. If your in this type of relationship PLEASE realize its not normal, he`s not normal and get away. Your life will get a million times better and one day you will be able to look back on it and think of it as step. A learning curb. You will also look back and wonder how you ever stayed with a person like him for so long... Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[lasha07]

I think my ex boyfriend is bipolar... when we were together we spent a lot of time together, but when I went off to college we broke up and he was begging me to be back with him but I said no. When I moved back home I tried over and over again to get back with him but he told me that he was going to make me wait like I did him. I was mad but I waited and waited, we were still messing around but we wasn't together. It came to the point where we were arguing and fussing a lot, he called me all out my name and told me that he hated me. I cried for days and didn't know what to do. Somedays he would say he loves me and some days he says he don't like me and for me to just go away! I try to talk to him about it but he is the type of person who doesn't like to sit and talk about things like this. We're still not together but I am pregnant by him and at first he was denying it, calling me all types of whores and bit****.. Everyday I would cry more than one time not knowing if my child is going to have a father in his life.. Well he started telling me that he will be there with me to take care of our child and all the good stuff, and also told me that he was thinking about being back with me. Now he just told me the other day that he didn't want to be with me and he likes other females and he hate me! This time I didn't cry I actually laughed about it but I was still hurting because I don't want to be with anybody else. I will do anything for him, if he need something I will go get it or give him the money, I even do it just because I love him! His family and friends tell him that he is dumb because I'm a good person! Now that I am pregnant I cry a lot and he says he don't like a cry baby but I cannot help that I am so emotional now... I just don't know what to think about our relationship, I mean do he love me or do he actually hate me??

[TrappedInside4E]

The man I'm marrying soon is exactly like that. Except he does beat me. Lately he tries not to. But when he gets into his mood swings from bipolar he goes insane. I do not know if he actually has bipolar or not but I very much think so. I cry every day now because of the pain this man puts me through. I love him with everything I have. I just wished I did not. End it before you are trapped. I know I am. I can never get out of this. It's been a long 5 years of us dating and I could never leave. End it while its still young. One day I believe he will end up killing me. I already can't have children because he punched me so hard in the gut that something wrong happened and the doctor said if I got pregnant it would be a work from God. He took me away from my family and friends. I now have no family to see or talk to and no friends what-so-ever anymore. He took me away from my dream of becoming a massage therapist. I would be touching and associating with humans and I can't. I have to stay home and work online. I make good money. But it's for nothing. And its not what I want to do. Life is hell. Get out NOW.

--TrappedInside4E