[KarmaToBurn]

My ex and I never finalized the divorce, but have been separated for 3 years. Although separated, we've never been completely away from each other. We had started to grow apart as he spent more and more time drinking with a buddy of his - they went fishing but would stop at a waterside bar and drink, or go to happy hour (my work schedule kept me from many of these outings, though we used to be best friends & do this together).

Then, out of the blue, an online male friend - one of a group of male & female friends from different countries who'd exchange "trinkets" from our countries with each other - decided he was in love with me and sent me a package with a card, dvds of music, and a litle teddy bear, professing his feelings. I'd NEVER encouraged such behavior and had never even looked at another man with desire. However, he chose not to believe this and asked me to move out.

In the interim, he filed for divorce but has not pursued it, saying he doesn't really want to. As well, though we got back together briefly, he decided he couldn't get over the past, is heavy into drinking and partying, and moved his girlfriend in with him about a year ago. She centers her life around the same scene - drinking and partying, but otherwise he says she is the total opposite of him as far as interests, personality and so on.

Almost immediately, he was contacting me saying he'd made such a mess of his life, talking about wanting to just end things (suicidal talk), how he was stuck and so on. He says he wants to leave, makes life miserable so she'll want to move out, refuses to marry her though she wants this badly, and that he believes the lifestyle is killing him. They've rented a $1650 house together, and she makes very little money, so he says if he leaves she won't be able to make it and she has no family here so he can't throw her out.

He says he wants to work things out between him and I and have our marriage back, but he's also "not ready" because he believes he has a problem with alcohol as well as an addiction to the lifestyle (partying, bars, etc). And doesn't want to move back in with me then feel like he's GOT to go have a drink or spend the evening at a club or bar.

He says if he does, he's hurting me and that he doesn't want to destroy any love I have for him or drive me to hate him. So, he says he's already making changes and is on his way. He turns down most invititations to go out, has cut down on his drinking to maybe a couple of times a month, and now being diagnosed with high blood pressure he MUST change.

My issue is, he's HINTED rather than discussed with the GF that she should be saving her money for her own place, and says things like "when I get my own place, I think I'm going to get a foam mattress". He's not said "It's over and you need to save and I will help as well when the time comes" or something similar. Then, I found out that they've been on a 11-day vacation together! Granted, a relative of hers bought their tickets as a birthday gift to her and has been on vacation with them, but to me, that doesn't send a message that he's wanting things over.

I'm not sure if I'm spinning my wheels or how to handle this.

Edited into paragraphs.

[talaniman]

Finalize your divorce, and cover your own behind. He had his chance, and blew it, so let him deal with his demons, while you get a better life, instead of holding your breathe, waiting for a drunk, who is killing himself, to change.

3 years is a long time to have waited, so haven't you had enough waiting??

[Jake2008]

He wants it ALL!! :rolleyes:

It wouldn't have been difficult to say 'no' to a free trip with his girlfriend that he's not sure he wants or not, because, after all he's a great guy who can't just boot her out and be straight that he's not into a long term relationship. What kind of man would turn down a trip with a woman he lets think he loves her, and essentially strings her along, until he can decide if there is someone else that can better serve his (selfish) needs.

And, sometimes he wants to be single, whether he's in a relationship or not. Free to do as he pleases, when he pleases, how often he pleases, and with whoever he sort of likes for his own reasons, at the time.

And when he gets bored, and feels a little empty because people aren't satisfying his needs, he boo-hoo's and wants to end it all.

Then he starts all over again, with broken promises, mixed signals, and complaints, all the while listening to really bad country music and sucking back the brewskies.

Every now and then he thinks he might put you back in the picture because... well, he likes you at the moment, but not enough to get his life together and be a caring, conscientious, selfless partner who puts your needs first, along with a relationship he wants to build, but then he's confused again, and what the heck, I'll go out with the boys again and think about my life later.

Do you really need that kind of person in your life? I think that the man who decided he was in love with you was a blessing, because it gave your husband at the time a 'legitimate' excuse to go out and live a selfish life. Consider it a blessing.

He is just another grown up man who has not yet decided it's time for his big boy pants.