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talaniman · Jun 9, 2010, 03:30 PM

Glad to have been some help, and I think you will get to the point that people cannot live rent free in your head, when there are so many more important things to focus on. Be able to channel those energies from those emotions will lead you to the best way to control them, and cope with them.

But having been dumped so many times you realize for all the feelings, It won't kill you, and sooner or later, you find something else to do, and someone to do it with.

Ther4peuticH3at · Jun 12, 2010, 01:10 AM

I had typed a bunch of crap here about my night and how I'm feeling right now. But none of it (writing it down) was making feel any better.

Cliffnotes: Had a nice night that turned sour. Had a bit of a mental relapse, wanting so badly to check her mail/status/anything-that-would-give-me-a-glimpse-of-what-her-life-is-like-now. Feeling quite pathetic...

I was, and probably still am so very close to having a major setback that I know I'd regret. Trying to stay strong but some nights its so hard; some nights I'm just so tired of fighting it.

Ther4peuticH3at · Jun 23, 2010, 08:17 AM

Can someone please remind me why I'm staying off her Facebook and out of her e-mail? I feel pretty good today, but I really, really, really want to know how everything is working out for her. It's petty but it'd be nice to know if she really is happy. I know I shouldn't care, and that maybe I could end up hurting myself, but the rationale in my head says that if she's not doing so well and maybe she misses me a bit I'd feel a bit better about myself and if she's frakking ecstatic and acting happy as ever I can just let her go.

I sound insane right?. What the hell is wrong with me? I still dream about her. I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder if she ever wonders about me (while she's probably lying next to someone else). Am I doing?

asking · Jun 23, 2010, 08:34 AM

Originally Posted by Ther4peuticH3at

I've never had any problems with substance abuse, but lately, I've wanted to go out EVERY freaking night I could. And for the most part, going out is a lot more fun when you're wasted (especially now). ...

But really, going out has been a blast. I look forward to it sooo much. Really, it's not that I want to drink, it's that I want to go out but I feel like I need to drink in order to go out. I know what alcoholism looks like, and this feels a lot like it... How much of this is normal/acceptable? Should I be forcing myself to avoid this type of potentially dangerous situation? I'm playing with fire here... I'll let you guys know if I start feeling burnt.

No. This is definitely not a good way to go. Whether it is normal or acceptable really depends on the kinds of people you hang out with. THEY may think it's normal and acceptable.

But is it good for you? Definitely not and, as you are wondering, it not only leads to alcoholism but probably IS an early form of it. Alcoholism is not just drinking a quart a day; it's also binge drinking.

Any time you are getting wasted, you are damaging your body. If you are doing it several times a week, you are probably causing long term damage to your brain and liver, primarily. Alcohol is a toxin and a drug and it's addictive. It's very hard on the body, so getting wasted is self destructive behavior.

Also, getting over a difficult breakup by using alcohol to numb your feelings means you are not coping with what's really hurting you. Just as important, you aren't LEARNING to cope. In the future, when you are hurting again, you'll be more likely to reach for the bottle, instead of using the coping skills you should be learning now. Life is full of heartache and it's best to learn now how to carry on through the difficult times. Ten years from now, you may be happily married, when something hard happens. You lose a child or a colleague at work. At that time, alcohol will drive you deeper into despair and you could end up losing a happy marriage or other important relationship On Top Of your other problem.

Do you have any supportive people in your life? A parent or aunt or uncle or family friend you could talk to? I sense that you need some face time with people who care about you and can give you the love you are missing.

asking · Jun 23, 2010, 09:26 AM

Originally Posted by Ther4peuticH3at

I sound insane right?.. What the hell is wrong with me? I still dream about her. I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder if she ever wonders about me (while she's probably lying next to someone else). am I doing?

No, you don't sound insane. You just sound like you really miss her. But, for whatever reason, she has moved on to someone else. So you MUST let go at some point. Haunting her Facebook page will only keep her more in your mind and give you more things to think about. I know it doesn't seem possible that she can be more in your mind than she already is, but the no contact advice is intended to help you get through this faster. So more pain up front and less pain over the next year. You will get better faster if you don't keep up with what she's doing.

You do sound like you are having a really hard time. But take things one day at a time and look for things you can work on that will be good for you long term. Again, I would recommend contact with an adult who is a bit older than you. You don't need to confide in them every detail, but let them know you are hurting and could use some time with them--maybe talking, maybe doing an activity together. You need distractions and support.

jmw0713 · Jun 23, 2010, 12:17 PM

In this situation, ignorance is bliss... trust me on that one. No need to check up on her, you have to worry about getting things straight in your own life.

Any new information about her is going to tear you apart.

Kitkat22 · Jun 23, 2010, 12:28 PM

Leave her alone... If she wanted you to know anything... she would tell you face to face.

Ther4peuticH3at · Jun 23, 2010, 01:51 PM

asking - Thanks a lot.

I've got great friends, and my family is amazingly supportive, only, I often put on a brave face for my family, and I'm pretty sure my friends are pretty sick of hearing me yap about all this. Frankly, I'm sick of hearing her name come out of my mouth.

You guys are right. Stay NC. No bending of the rules. Instead, I'll just make a landmark out of NC. Soon it'll be a solid month. :)

Kitkat22 · Jun 23, 2010, 01:52 PM

Originally Posted by Ther4peuticH3at

asking - Thanks a lot.

I've got great friends, and my family is amazingly supportive, only, I often put on a brave face for my family, and I'm pretty sure my friends are pretty sick of hearing me yap about all this. Frankly, I'm sick of hearing her name come out of my mouth.

You guys are right. Stay NC. No bending of the rules. Instead, I'll just make a landmark out of NC. Soon it'll be a solid month. :)

I'm applauding! Good for you! You can do it!:)

Ther4peuticH3at · Jun 23, 2010, 02:00 PM

Seriously, much thanks to everyone here. This place has been the biggest crutch I could ever ask for. It's ridiculous how therapeutic it has been to come here and seek advice and then turn around and give it. And when you're giving advice, a lot of times, it's like you're giving it to yourself as well (if not more so). There have been a few times where I've needed a help and was able to simply go back and look at my OWN answers to mine and other's threads.

Totally love this place. Thanks for making it what it is.

Kitkat22 · Jun 23, 2010, 02:03 PM

Originally Posted by Ther4peuticH3at

Seriously, much thanks to everyone here. This place has been the biggest crutch I could ever ask for. It's ridiculous how therapeutic it has been to come here and seek advice and then turn around and give it. And when you're giving advice, a lot of times, it's like you're giving it to yourself as well (if not more so). There have been a few times where I've needed a help and was able to simply go back and look at my OWN answers to mine and other's threads.

Totally love this place. Thanks for making it what it is.

Keep us posted!:)

Ther4peuticH3at · Jun 30, 2010, 02:56 PM

So, it's finals week in this stupid accelerated semester. The past couple days, I've been too busy with school and work to find the space to work out.

Realization: No workout = Miserable frakking existence.

On days that I don't work out I tend to find life rather mundane, uninteresting, a hassle, nothing is worth doing.. Like I'd rather keep dreaming than be awake.

Everything considered, I'm doing all right. I still have trouble sleeping some nights... maybe most nights, but I've been worse. I mentioned before that I drive by her job every other day on the way to class, but the past week, I've been able to forcibly avert my eyes from the direction of her car. Before, it really ate at me to see her car there and know that she was probably fine and that she was going on with her life as usual. Now I care a lot less. I feel like I'm finding myself again, and I'm going to make it just fine.

Don't really expect to ever hear from her again, and it's for the best :)

Homegirl 50 · Jun 30, 2010, 03:54 PM

That is good thinking. Keep it up.

Kitkat22 · Jun 30, 2010, 04:09 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

That is good thinking. Keep it up.

I agree.

Ther4peuticH3at · Jul 8, 2010, 10:15 AM

So I'm not sure who wrote my last post. Whoever he is I'm probably unrecognizable to him now. Needless to say I'm not doing so well.

I feel so worthless.. inadequate.. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I don't know what I'm supposed to think. I can't remember how I was happy/optimistic or even OK with any of this. People close to me trying to keep me from changing, but I'm losing myself. Just a few days ago I freaking loved myself, now I'm not even comfortable in my own skin.

I guess I could attribute a lot of this to a faltering in my confidence. Then there's a bit of information that came to me a week ago. An old friend stopped by for a visit, and she happens to be fairly well connected with friends of my ex. And just shooting the breeze she blurts "I met ____'s new bf" and I forgot to breath for moment. Trying to stay NC and uninformed, I left the room, but all I really wanted to do was ask her a million questions. Is she happy? Is he better than me? Yet, I couldn't leave quickly enough to avoid hearing that this guy WORKED WITH HER. A month before we broke up, she had gotten a new job, and this SOB worked there too. And I hate myself so frakking much. That month I had had my suspicions. I thought to myself, she's working landscaping at apt complexes... How easy would it be to slip into a vacant apt and do business behind my back? Of course, at the time I dismissed the thought as ludicrous. Now I feel stupid.

How could I ignore my instincts? There were nights she would go to her "friend's" place for hours on end (once forgetting plans we'd made, claiming to have lost track of time), even nights she'd sleep over and I was so uncomfortable with it and she made me feel like a possessive a-hole for feeling that way. Come to find, this guy lived at that complex too. Plus that friend is the one that's always hated me so I'm sure she'd have no problem covering for her. So who knows what was really going on. And I know all that should be irrelevant to me now, but I'm just not in the right state of mind anymore, and all this is killing me.

My life just feels "flat" right now. I'm not numb, I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore. Before I'd wish she'd call just so I could tell her to go frak herself, now I wish she'd call just so I could hear her voice, so I could be in some way connected to her again. What the heck is wrong with me?!

I hope I can turn this around soon, I can see myself wasting away if this keeps up. All I want to do is crawl into a hole and die. Somehow I'm still conscious enough to recognize how much I hate the way I'm feeling/thinking/existing right now and I'm disgusted, I truly detest myself right now.

Why am I letting myself go through all this right now? This is so stupid.

Homegirl 50 · Jul 8, 2010, 10:20 AM

You are having a bad stretch. It will get better. Hang in there.

talaniman · Jul 8, 2010, 12:52 PM

I have those bad days too, but this was triggered by bad news, you didn't want to hear, clear from the blue.

Adjust, and keep doing your thing, as what you should never forget is that you can't control when life knocks you down, but how long you stay down, is up to you.

Just get back up, and make the right adjustments. Eventually you get stronger, and such news will not knock you down.

jmw0713 · Jul 8, 2010, 12:54 PM

My life just feels "flat" right now. I'm not numb, I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore. Before I'd wish she'd call just so I could tell her to go frak herself, now I wish she'd call just so I could hear her voice, so I could be in some way connected to her again. What the heck is wrong with me?!

I hope I can turn this around soon, I can see myself wasting away if this keeps up. All I want to do is crawl into a hole and die. Somehow I'm still conscious enough to recognize how much I hate the way I'm feeling/thinking/existing right now and I'm disgusted, I truly detest myself right now.

Why am I letting myself go through all this right now? This is so stupid.

Nothing is wrong with you. You had a deep emotional connection with this chick and she cast you aside. The healing process takes time. During that time your emotions will be all over the place. One day you will be on top of the world, the next day you will feel lower than dirt. But as time goes on, those extreme balance themselves out, and you start to feel "normal" again. That's when you know the battle is almost over. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is all a part of the process of healing. Everyone handles it differently and you are learning something new about yourself.

Also, the reflection you are doing is good in a way. You are now seeing the true state in which your relationship with your ex was. This will help form answers to questions you may still have about why things happened the way they did. It is good to think through stuff like that, but it's NOT good to dwell. Acknowledge the feelings you have and the answers you find looking back, and then do your best to move on and look toward the future.

News you hear about a loved-one (current or former) will always have an effect on you. Eventually, you won't care enough to think about it anymore and attach the same type of emotion to these things as you are now.

Kitkat22 · Jul 8, 2010, 02:00 PM

When you get over the anger.. the healing will begin.

Ther4peuticH3at · Jul 11, 2010, 12:36 AM

I can't believe I'm writing this on my cell but w/e. I swear I've been doing at least a little better than I was a couple days ago, yet it's not good enough. My best friend's girlfriend has a friend that just started sexting me out of no where (I never even gave her my number). I'm not at all interested in her, but at first I didn't know who was txting me. I thought someone was frakking w/ me so I just played along. Once I had figured out who she was I decided to meet her out at a bar w/ some friends (let her stroke my ego... why not?). Yet, as I'm out talking to this girl and hanging w/ my friends my ex creeps into my mind and all I can think about is her. And I don't even know why, I can't help myself. Despite everything, I still need her approval/attention/love, everything is so empty w/ out her some days.