[PattySue]

Why does my son hate me (his mom)? Our relationship seems to be on and off. He throws jabs into me all the time and my husband and myself find him very insulting and unappreciative of anything we do for him or for our grandchildren. I'm often criticized for things I do or don't do. We are not allowed to have our grandchildren at our home by themselves. I can count on one half of one hand the times I've been with them without their parents. I don't get this. I raised him mostly my myself and he's turned out great. I can't be responsible for all the things he feels and thinks about his past. I did not asked to be kicked out into the street by his dad. He and his wife moved away some time ago and about the time we decided to leave our home state, they came back. Now we have to travel about 5 hours to visit most of our family members. As a result, I do not see them as often as I like. But whether, we are invited or not, the visit is always strained and the constant criticism and jabs are thrown especially at me. I just don't get it. I'm tired of feeling hurt by his comments and I am thinking about not visiting at all because it's too hurtful. I really need help on how to handle this situation.

[Cat1864]

Have you tried sitting down and talking to him?

How is his relationship with his father?

[smearcase]

I'm not so sure he turned out great if he didn't develop respect for his mother. How does his wife treat you? We don't know the details but there are reasons for the problems. You must have a good idea of the cause. I agree with Cat that open discussion is the only hope but it could make it worse if egos and finger pointing get involved. I'm guessing that money is involved in some way like it usually is. Was or is inheritance involved in some way?

[Kitkat22]

Did something happen in his childhood that may have caused him to distrust you?

Seems to me there is more here than what you are telling us.
I too wonder about his relationship with his father.

When you say ; "I can't be responsible for all he feels and thinks about the past", this leaves me thinking, what did happen?

Please elaborate further if you wish. Good Luck !

[PattySue]

Have you tried sitting down and talking to him?

How is his relationship with his father?

Yes, I have sat down and talked with he and his brother. I've also written a 15 page explanation to them as to how our lives turned out like they did (some of this is very private). Their dad divorced me when I was 26 with 2 children and we were kicked to the curb (we were in a foreign country at the time) had to travel back to the states by ourselves and start over and within one year, my oldest developed a serious life threatening illness.

Long story cut short - it wasn't an easy life back in the late 70's, early 80's raising two kids on my own with menial paying jobs. I did remarry (3 times) only to get kicked in the teeth again and again. My youngest son, the one displaying the anger/and throwing jabs at me, had a good life with me and my new husband; the older son chose to live with his dad at age 15.

Both have turned out very well, and are fathers themselves, and very successful in their careers. I just think he is rude and arrogant especially towards me. He and his wife are really strange about the children. She home schools the kids and he works full-time. He seems short-tempered especially with the oldest child and somewhat stressed.

We used to talk occasionally but not so much in the last 4-5 years. I'm at the end of my rope with him. I would say more but trying to keep a low profile until I figure out what to do. My first alternative is to just stay away from him for a while and see what happens.

Re his relationship with his dad: Since we are divorced I'm not really all that sure. My son and family had problems at one time with his dad and his wife when they lived with them for a while. Didn't part on good terms but seemed to have worked it out since then. Inheritance is not involved. Money is not an issue. However, they are stressed financially and of their own doing. I have helped extensively over the years, but felt after I retired, I could no longer assist them.

[Kitkat22]

Yes, I have sat down and talked with he and his brother. I've also written a 15 page explanation to them as to how our lives turned out like they did (some of this is very private). Their dad divorced me when I was 26 with 2 children and we were kicked to the curb (we were in a foreign country at the time) had to travel back to the states by ourselves and start over and within one year, my oldest developed a serious life threatening illness.

Long story cut short - it wasn't an easy life back in the late 70's, early 80's raising two kids on my own with menial paying jobs. I did remarry (3 times) only to get kicked in the teeth again and again. My youngest son, the one displaying the anger/and throwing jabs at me, had a good life with me and my new husband; the older son chose to live with his dad at age 15.

Both have turned out very well, and are fathers themselves, and very successful in their careers. I just think he is rude and arrogant especially towards me. He and his wife are really strange about the children. She home schools the kids and he works full-time. He seems short-tempered especially with the oldest child and somewhat stressed.

We used to talk occasionally but not so much in the last 4-5 years. I'm at the end of my rope with him. I would say more but trying to keep a low profile until I figure out what to do. My first alternative is to just stay away from him for a while and see what happens.

Re his relationship with his dad: Since we are divorced I'm not really all that sure. My son and family had problems at one time with his dad and his wife when they lived with them for a while. Didn't part on good terms but seemed to have worked it out since then. Inheritance is not involved. Money is not an issue. However, they are stressed financially and of their own doing. I have helped extensively over the years, but felt after I retired, I could no longer assist them.

Leave then alone for a while. Let them stand on their own two feet. Sit him down first and tell him why. Seems as if he has had problems with his Dad and you... he may be spolied rotten. Just an opinion and I hope you resolve this... Good Luck and god Bless... Kit:)

[PattySue]

I'm not so sure he turned out great if he didn't develop respect for his mother. How does his wife treat you? We don't know the details but there are reasons for the problems. You must have a good idea of the cause. I agree with Cat that open discussion is the only hope but it could make it worse if egos and finger pointing get involved. I'm guessing that money is involved in some way like it usually is. Was or is inheritance involved in some way?

Reply:
As I told Cat - we've had open discussion, letters and emails. I honestly think the most popular thing to do today when you have problems is to blame your parents. Too bad that wasn't around when I was growing up.

Money is not really involved. I have lent them money with no expectation of any payback. So it's not an issue. There isn't an inheritance issue either.

I really can't tell you what the cause of his disrespect to me is, unless he's suffering from a mental disorder or some other physical illness. His wife is very sweet (we love her) but I do think she controls a lot about the kids and him. She's extra/over protective of them and they aren't allowed to even play with toy guns, not even squirt guns, she prefers to monitor their toys, TV shows, food, snacks, etc. and this includes controlling what my son watches on TV, eats, etc. There's nothing wrong with this but my goodness, they won't disintegrate if they see something on TV that they shouldn't. They live in a BUBBLE. So any "constructive" information you have would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Another problem I'm having is: we live out of state so I send $$ for birthdays because I'm not sure what to get them, and I think they would have fun picking out something for themselves. Recently, I bought a purse for the 3 yr. old and gave her some pennies to put inside. I was criticized for that as well "for giving her money." A few cents??

My oldest grandson, told me since I hadn't remembered his birthday, that if I wanted to buy him a "belated birthday gift" he would like such and such. So now, I can't approach his mom and dad about this because they would scold him. So, I'm thinking the kids do not even see their birthday money. I was also told that I buy too much CRAP for them when I visit (these were the exact words). I bought toys for them on this last visit because I wasn't sure if they were getting anything with the money I send. So now, I've been scolded twice (once for sending $$ and now for all the "CRAP" that I buy them.) Not sure what to do.

[Kitkat22]

Reply:
As I told Cat - we've had open discussion, letters and emails. I honestly think the most popular thing to do today when you have problems is to blame your parents. Too bad that wasn't around when I was growing up.

Money is not really involved. I have lent them money with no expectation of any payback. So it's not an issue. There isn't an inheritance issue either.

I really can't tell you what the cause of his disrespect to me is, unless he's suffering from a mental disorder or some other physical illness. His wife is very sweet (we love her) but I do think she controls a lot about the kids and him. She's extra/over protective of them and they aren't allowed to even play with toy guns, not even squirt guns, she prefers to monitor their toys, TV shows, food, snacks, etc. and this includes controlling what my son watches on TV, eats, etc. There's nothing wrong with this but my goodness, they won't disintegrate if they see something on TV that they shouldn't. They live in a BUBBLE. So any "constructive" information you have would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Another problem I'm having is: we live out of state so I send $$ for birthdays because I'm not sure what to get them, and I think they would have fun picking out something for themselves. Recently, I bought a purse for the 3 yr. old and gave her some pennies to put inside. I was criticized for that as well "for giving her money." A few cents????

My oldest grandson, told me since I hadn't remembered his birthday, that if I wanted to buy him a "belated birthday gift" he would like such and such. So now, I can't approach his mom and dad about this because they would scold him. So, I'm thinking the kids do not even see their birthday money. I was also told that I buy too much CRAP for them when I visit (these were the exact words). I bought toys for them on this last visit because I wasn't sure if they were getting anything with the money I send. So now, I've been scolded twice (once for sending $$ and now for all the "CRAP" that I buy them.) Not sure what to do.

As for the birthday gifts... start a bank account for them and have your name only on the account. Let them know this is a litlle money you will put into the bank towards their education and they will receive it at the age of eighteen or twenty-one.

As for the rigorous rules. It's their children and they have a right to set the rules. I know you hurt because of this situation. Cat will probably be able to tell you more and give you some good advice.. so will many other experts here. They are a good bunch of people. So hold on and keep posting. You will find some great advice here. God bless you.:)

[PattySue]

Did something happen in his childhood that may have caused him to distrust you?

Seems to me there is more here than what you are telling us.
I too wonder about his relationship with his father.

When you say ; "I can't be responsible for all he feels and thinks about the past", this leaves me thinking, what did happen?

Please elaborate further if you wish. Good Luck !

Reply:

As far as his childhood - we moved a lot but he made friends very easily. I, being a single mom, with very little financial support from their dad, worked full-time. We were not on welfare. Therefore, maybe I couldn't spend the quality time with my sons, but if their dad had paid a reasonable amount of support, that would have allowed me to be with them more and maybe take them places. He only paid $200 a month for two kids. He made around $40,000 in the late 70's. So I did the best I could with a $7.00 per hour salary. His support barely paid for sitters.

I had to provide for food, clothing, shelter, medical, school tuition's, lunch money, car payment, life insurance, extra activities at school, etc. My oldest son had cancer at age 7. We had one hell of a life. When he had to take his chemo - I could only work half days for that full week and this went on for 15 months. My mom was the only one that gave me a little help (not financially) but she would watch him 1/2 days for that week. The rest of the time they were at day care before and after school.

Like I said, we did the best we could. I married a total of 5 times (my first marriage was to their dad for around 9 years, the next 3 only lasted (maybe a total of 3 1/2 years). Then I was single for 2 years and after that met my current husband - we've been together 25 years.) So it's not like he didn't see a normal family life - he was with us for around 11 years of that 25 then he joined the army, then college, then he married had one child, then off to a professional college (out of state) big mistake financially left him $200,000 in debt with student loans. Now he's stressed trying to pay for all of it. This was their joint decision. She doesn't work and now they have 4 children.

Everyone has their own personal story/baggage. The ultimate goal is to grow up! I never treated my parents bad. My ex-husband didn't mistreat his parents either. Thus, this is not a learned behavior. As I stated before if you have any further "constructive" comments or any helpful suggestions, please feel free to comment. Thanks.

[Kitkat22]

Reply:

As far as his childhood - we moved a lot but he made friends very easily. I, being a single mom, with very little financial support from their dad, worked full-time. We were not on welfare. Therefore, maybe I couldn't spend the quality time with my sons, but if their dad had paid a reasonable amount of support, that would have allowed me to be with them more and maybe take them places. He only paid $200 a month for two kids. He made around $40,000 in the late 70's. So I did the best I could with a $7.00 per hour salary. His support barely paid for sitters.

I had to provide for food, clothing, shelter, medical, school tuition's, lunch money, car payment, life insurance, extra activities at school, etc. My oldest son had cancer at age 7. We had one hell of a life. When he had to take his chemo - I could only work half days for that full week and this went on for 15 months. My mom was the only one that gave me a little help (not financially) but she would watch him 1/2 days for that week. The rest of the time they were at day care before and after school.

Like I said, we did the best we could. I married a total of 5 times (my first marriage was to their dad for around 9 years, the next 3 only lasted (maybe a total of 3 1/2 years). Then I was single for 2 years and after that met my current husband - we've been together 25 years.) So it's not like he didn't see a normal family life - he was with us for around 11 years of that 25 then he joined the army, then college, then he married had one child, then off to a professional college (out of state) big mistake financially left him $200,000 in debt with student loans. Now he's stressed trying to pay for all of it. This was their joint decision. She doesn't work and now they have 4 children.

Everyone has their own personal story/baggage. The ultimate goal is to grow up! I never treated my parents bad. My ex-husband didn't mistreat his parents either. Thus, this is not a learned behavior. As I stated before if you have any further "constructive" comments or any helpful suggestions, please feel free to comment. Thanks.

Your son had cancer? That is awful. I think you've been very strong and you still are. It's hard to let our children go... but I believe you have done the best you could do. Honey, believe me I know about baggage. You can only do what they want you to do now. Just know this... You and me and everybody I know is not perfect. That doesn't give your son the right to treat you the way he has!

Poor grandchildren... if you are like me your grandchildren are your heart!
You know, someday they'll realize and know how much you love them?
I just don't think your son likes it that mom isn't going to be his ATM anymore and you shouldn't be. If he makes a finanical mess of his life he needs to know how to get out of it. I'm sure if you stick to your word about not handing out money to him every time he ask, you'll gain his respect.

As I said before.. he's spoiled and I 'll bet his wife spoils him too. Keep on praying and we'll be here. Blessings.:)

[smearcase]

Send them emails and/or letters but don't visit if you are treated badly by them. It sounds like your visits (unintentionally) result in the grandchildre being punished if they violate one of the golden rules of that household.
You say money is not an issue but you describe several money issues. You used to give them assistance but you had to stop. That's a big money issue.
There is never a valid reason to not treat parents respectfully. Going there will affect your own health eventually. I think saving up some funds for your grandchildren, to be given to them when they are of legal age, and staying away is the best suggestion. If you are misreading some signs or conditions improve, they will all come to you.

[Kitkat22]

Send them emails and/or letters but don't visit if you are treated badly by them. It sounds like your visits (unintentionally) result in the grandchildre being punished if they violate one of the golden rules of that household.
You say money is not an issue but you describe several money issues. You used to give them assistance but you had to stop. That's a big money issue.
There is never a valid reason to not treat parents respectfully. Going there will affect your own health eventually. I think saving up some funds for your grandchildren, to be given to them when they are of legal age, and staying away is the best suggestion. if you are misreading some signs or conditions improve, they will all come to you.

Very good advice!

[talaniman]

Leave them alone, and let them grow up. Why bang your head against a brick wall when you can live and enjoy your retirement, and if they still wish to complain, cuss them out and tell the ungrateful young b@st@rd where to go, and how soon.

Seriously since when did we start taking crap from our kids??

You condone bad behavior by accepting it, and rewarding it.

[Kitkat22]

Leave them alone, and let them grow up. Why bang your head against a brick wall when you can live and enjoy your retirement, and if they still wish to complain, cuss them out and tell the ungrateful young b@st@rd where to go, and how soon.

Seriously since when did we start taking crap from our kids???

You condone bad behavior by accepting it, and rewarding it.

I would wash my hands of the son and his wife!

[MOMmilitarySON]

Sorry to hear this. Iam in the same situation. He shows no respect for me. I have to be very careful with everything I say. Iam about ready to give up. My other son and daughter are good to me. They don't understand why he is this way.

[smearcase]

I have had some recent experiences with people whose behavior seemed to be out of character or just didn't make sense much of the time. I won't mention what I found to be the cause and imply anything here. I will just say--consider all of the possible causes, even the ones you never thought you would have to consider. Sometimes people aren't in total command of their actions for a variety of reasons. I don't mean to talk in riddles- I just don't want to even hint at accusing anyone of something but we got a big surprise recently--but when we looked back at past happenings, it wasn't very surprising. We weren't seeing the forest for the trees.