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highachiever · May 22, 2010, 10:54 AM

I have been dating a man 17 years older than me for about a year. The initial views, activities, and opinions he had when we started dating have changed to become almost the opposite. We disagree constantly, and I won't tolerate his child's bad behavior. He constantly makes excuses for his kid, and does little to nothing in the way of discipline. He says I am being militaristic, but I don't think laziness, lying, and a snotty attitude should be tolerated from a 12 year old. At twelve, he is the child and we are the adults, but he says he wants to spend time with his kid while the kid still wants to hang out with him. I don't think this should excuse bad behavior, nor that he should be rewarded for being a turd, just because dad wants to hang out.

Cat1864 · May 22, 2010, 11:24 AM

Before even thinking about the child, I have this question: Why are you still dating this man if he has changed so much and you are constantly disagreeing? 17 years is a pretty big gap in ages and while on the surface you may have seemed to have similar tastes it may have just been hopeful thinking on both of your parts.

How old are you? Do you have any children of your own? How long has your boyfriend been divorced and dating? How much effort have you put into getting to know the child as an individual instead of 'his' child?

I probably will not be the only one to tell you that you are not the child's mother. It is not your place to raise the child or even tell him how to raise his child. If the child is causing a conflict, you can explain your feelings to him about what you see as the problem and, if nothing changes, get out of the relationship.

You do not have to allow the child to come over to your house. However, be prepared to not see your boyfriend.

Devorameira · May 22, 2010, 12:25 PM

Sounds like you two have more problems than just his son.

Sorry, but there's really no chance for this relationship to move forward if you and his son don't get along. If he has to choose between his son and you, guess who he'll pick.

talaniman · May 22, 2010, 04:12 PM

He and his child are a package deal and if you can't deal with his child, why are you with the adult? Its his business how he raises his child, and maybe the little bugger hates you. Your not his mom, nor it seems, will ever be.

Kitkat22 · May 22, 2010, 04:34 PM

Children come first or should to a parent who is only dating someone. Apparently, as stated in the above responses there is more than just the problem with the child.

Have you tried being nice to this young boy? How old are you? How old is your boyfriend?

I think seventeen years is a very big difference in a relationship. This man had a son when you began seeing him, you knew this.

Don't think he's going to throw his son down and ride off with you, he won't. Any man worth his salt is going to stick by his child.

I would suggest you find someone your own age who doesn't have any children. Appartently you want to be first and foremost in a relationship.

I think calling the child names isn't very adult on your part. Good Luck

Sayurye · May 22, 2010, 04:51 PM

My mother told me not to have a relationship with a man that has already heard the patter of little feet. I married a man that has nine kids ,so much for mom's advice, but I love kids so you might look at the way you relate to the boy. Get the kid on your side. :)

highachiever · May 23, 2010, 11:25 AM

I love how everyone here is on the kid's side. This kid runs the house, and that is not the way I was raised, nor the way a family should be. The adults should run the household, not the kids. I never said I wanted to be this kid's mom; he already has a mother. I do try to help him, and give him friendly advice on girls, how to make friends, etc. His mother allows him to scream at her constantly, and I even take up for her and tell him that screaming and yelling at his mom will not be tolerated in this house (she comes over here and this is when he does this in front of me toward her).

In response to questions, I am 30, no I do not have kids, but all the suggestions I have made to the kid's father has been supported by HIS friends and therapist. Even the child's therapist has agreed with everything I said about discplining the child. The man I am dating has been divorced for 7 years, dating for about 3 of those. After his divorce, he was caring for 2 dying parents, and could not find the time to date.

And for the record, I never said I wanted the father to ditch his child and 'run away with me'. What I wanted was an opinion about what to do with this relationship. I am not delusional, and I would never ask someone to throw away their child. I actually told the father to get full custody of this kid, so that he would have consistency in parenting, discipline, and consequences. The kid's mom does not punish him for poor behavior, nor reward him for good behavior. The therapist(s) have said that if the kid continues on the path he is currently on, he will be 40 with no wife, kids, career, or future, and be still acting like a child and living with his parents. I don't want this to happen either, but as I am not, nor will ever truly be, a parent to him, I doubt I can change his path. It seems his parents don't want the kid to end up like this either, but they also don't seem willing to step up and be parents to prevent this outcome from happening. And also for those who want to condemn me as a terrible person, I never have called him anything to his face, when he was in the room, or when he was around. That is obviously not a good way to deal with a child. He does like me to a point, as he likes me enough to confide in me about girls and activities of the kids' at school.

highachiever · May 23, 2010, 11:29 AM

In a nutshell, I think I found the confirmation I was looking for here though. I guess I just needed someone to tell me what I already knew. This relationship will probably not work. :/

Kitkat22 · May 23, 2010, 12:09 PM

Originally Posted by highachiever

In a nutshell, I think I found the confirmation I was looking for here though. I guess I just needed someone to tell me what I already knew. This relationship will probably not work. :/

I've never known a therapist who can see that far into the future. Basically what you have said is the therapist has given up on this child?
If he is in your home with his mother and he screams at her it's up to you to tell them both... "This is my home and although you are welcome here, I will not tolerate this behavior in my home". If the BF doesn't like it, so be it.

Sounds to me like his father needs to take him to the wood shed and apply some hand to his backside. That's not abuse, that's tough love.
Didn't hurt me, nor did it hurt my kids. God help this generation of children when a parent is afraid to spank a child. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN BEATING A CHILD! However I believe a good spanking has never hurt one if the parent does it with love and the right intentions.
You are thirty years old and in a relationship with a child and his father with the ex and mother thrown in.
Dear... You need to look at the big picture and see if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Good Luck:)

highachiever · May 23, 2010, 01:31 PM

I have brought up the spanking idea as well. I do believe in spanking, and there is a BIG difference between spanking and beating a child. But that idea, like so many others has been vetoed. No, I did not say the therapists are giving up on the kid. They are saying that if the parents continue to let things stay as they have been, then he will (basically) become a worthless adult. The therapists are trying to urge the parents to take action, such as implementing discipline and encouragement, as I have. The problem is the parents aren't following through.

Yes, I figured someone would say I need to think if this is what I want to deal with the rest of my life. Like I said, I knew the answer, I just needed someone to tell me outright, as I didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't think the situation was that bad, and that it could all be fixed with some tough love. But I have to realize that I can't fix what doesn't want to be fixed.

Kitkat22 · May 23, 2010, 01:51 PM

Originally Posted by highachiever

I have brought up the spanking idea as well. I do believe in spanking, and there is a BIG difference between spanking and beating a child. But that idea, like so many others has been vetoed. No, I did not say the therapists are giving up on the kid. They are saying that if the parents continue to let things stay as they have been, then he will (basically) become a worthless adult. The therapists are trying to urge the parents to take action, such as implementing discipline and encouragement, as I have. The problem is the parents aren't following through.

Yes, I figured someone would say I need to think if this is what I want to deal with the rest of my life. Like I said, I knew the answer, I just needed someone to tell me outright, as I didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't think the situation was that bad, and that it could all be fixed with some tough love. But I have to realize that I can't fix what doesn't want to be fixed.

If the therapist has told them and you have suggested the same and they don't listen, what can you do? Are you tired of walking on eggshells? I know I would be and I would have been gone a long time ago.

Suggestion: If you love this man, then lay down the law.. tell him he will either do what the therapist tells you all to do or you're walking. Let him know everything you feel and if he still doesn't abide by the advice of the therapist.. you know what you have to do.

This is going to sound cliché' but you are young and probably very pretty
And you don't need this in your life. I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound so
Unfeeling, but enough is enough. I hope you make the right decision... Kit

talaniman · May 23, 2010, 01:55 PM

I think we can agree that your husbands attitude is at the root of this problem, and until he actively gets on board with his child's well being, there can't be a lot you can do at this point, but talk to him straight forward, and let him know you can't live like this. If he is alone against you and a therapist, then maybe there is a chance he makes some adjustments in his parenting.

Kitkat22 · May 23, 2010, 01:59 PM

The dad is the root of the problem and I believe this woman is better off away from this situation.

highachiever · May 23, 2010, 03:28 PM

Yes, I believe you are right. I can't blame the child's behavior solely on the kid, a lot of the fault lies with the parents. Thank you for your advice and opinions. Although I do love him and care about everyone's welfare and happiness, I have to think about my own as well. I don't want to be bitter and angry all the time because I'm in a bad situation that I cannot make better. It seems the only one I can make life better for is myself, and that is by moving on.

Thanks again kit. Love the cheetah! :)

DoulaLC · May 23, 2010, 04:58 PM

Originally Posted by highachiever

In a nutshell, I think I found the confirmation I was looking for here though. I guess I just needed someone to tell me what I already knew. This relationship will probably not work. :/

I believe this to be true. Unless he is willing to make some changes, nothing will change. It will likely get worse at his son gets into his teen years. As difficult as it might be, might be best to move on. Remember, you can love this man very much, but that does not automatically make him a good life partner for you. Wishing you well...

Kitkat22 · May 23, 2010, 06:09 PM

I wish you nothing but happiness, in whatever decision you make. You deserve to be happy.. Keep us informed, we do care about you!