[scott4172]

My wife has a coworker who, for almost 2 years now, I've been uncomfortable with. She's spoken highly of him, I've never been able to meet him, she used to work 3rd shift with him at a group home and would bath and get all dressed up before going to 3rd shift. She looked up his home address online and when I confronted her why she was looking up this guy's address, she said she does that with all her friends (ummm, no you don't). She's recently befriended him on Facebook, texts and messages him. I don't think she's cheating on me, but I'm uncomfortable with her being friends with a guy. From day one, when I told her I was uncomfortable that something might be happening with this guy, she has always gotten defensive and told me he has done nothing and doesn't deserve to have me accusing him or her of doing anything. I've told her I want to meet him for the last year or more, but she hasn't arranged for it. Just recently, we arranged an event where he will attend. I've read her texts and e-mails and I have to say that there doesn't see to be anything inappropriate.
My biggest problem with this is that I'm telling her I'm uncomfortable with the situation and she trivializes my concerns and continues to talk to him. I will say that over our 13 years together, she hasn't had many male friends and I have been insecure with the few that she did have. However, I've had female friends in the past that she's felt uncomfortable with, once because my friend was "acting weird and would call me, not Tracey"... kinda like how this guy talks to you but has never even met me?! And in each of these cases, I no longer speak to these women because my relationship with my wife is more important than my relationship with some woman.
She says that she's soooooo tired of me bringing this up. Well... I keep bringing it up because nothing is changing! And the longer it doesn't change, the more uncomfortable I am with it all. I'm at a loss and it's really eroding our relationship. She agrees that this is taking it's toll on us, but again... continues to pursue the relationship stating that I'm just getting so upset because she's standing her ground and gets defensive and angry.
After 13 years together, I want to work through and get through this but am at a loss...
Anyone have any thoughts?

[cdad]

Why not just pop in where she works and see what happens.

[Jake2008]

She should keep her friend at arm's length. I say that because when work friendships start to go beyond the place of work, and parties shed their professional selves, problems can happen when the friendship is now outside of work boundaries.

In other words this has turned from a working relationship, to a friend relationship. It makes you uncomfortable, and she would do well to put you first, and leave him off her dance card.

That she does not want to share this friend with you, introduce you to him, or explain why the friendship developed, would to some be no big deal, but if I were in your shoes, it would bother me very much.

To look up his address, text him, add him to her Facebook, and keep him apart from you, surely is asking for trouble.

If she can add him to her Facebook friends, that I presume you have access to who they are, why can't you send him a message. You don't need his information to do that, just send a message, and say that you'd like him to come over for coffee one evening next week to meet him.

That should be a lightbulb moment to both your wife, and him. If he is any sort of man at all, he will either back off, or, if nothing is going on, will come over and meet you.

[scott4172]

Thank you both for your response.
Califdadof3: I've thought about that. I've stopped in before and she will come out ot the driveway to meet me. Sometimes I've been able t come inside if there aren't any kids there... but he wasn't working at this time. I know that if I were to do it now, she would get mad and pissed. She's angry inside about a lot of things in her life right now and I'm taking the brunt of it. This is her issue, I understand. We are going to go to counseling to talk about her and I working together and her not getting angry with so many things.
Jake2008: I did send him a friend request yesterday on Facebook. So we'll see if he accepts.
I approached her again last night and told her that I see how I keep bringing this up. And that I don't believe there's anything between then. But the thing that's killing me because she doesn't seem to respect how I feel and is choosing to pursue this friendship even if it means problems with her marriage. Her immediate response was to get mad, saying that it's all about how I feel. She says she doesn't understand why I'm uncomfortable and blamed it on me being insecure.
This is a perfect summary of how our conversations have been going. It's just at an impass... we can't talk through antything without her getting angry or being able to empethize with how I feel.
We're both very eager to go to counseling together. WE both want to work it out and want to be happy.
Please keep your insight coming. I appreciate other people's insight and perspective.

[jmjoseph]

It seems to me that a large percentage of men would be jealous of their wives having a "special" friend to whom she may, or may not be discussing their personal life with. Add the suspicion of infidelity into the mix, and it starts to boil. It's not a good place to be.

But, it's about respect. Your wife should be glad that she has a man that would even cut off contact with a potential female "rival" as to keep the peace at home. Respect must be mutual.

But what if it is just innocent? Is he straight? Things happen. Flirting, sexual tension. Friendships turn to affairs sometimes.

I think that even if it is just a close friendship, it's a little TOO close. There should only be one "main man" in her life. He spends just as much time with your wife as you do, maybe more.

The fact that it causes you so much stress should be enough for her to change.

You are jealous. That's normal for situations like these. It's normal behavior.

I looked up the definition of "jealous" Check it out and see if anything looks familiar:

1 a : intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness b : disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness
2 : hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage
3 : vigilant in guarding a possession


I think counseling would help. Marriage counseling.

Don't let this shorten your life. Because you know it will.

God bless.

[slapshot_oi]

The fact she gets defensive means she has something to hide. She may not have cheated, but this is usually how affairs start.

She's treating you like a friend or even an acquaintance, not like a husband. If I were you, I'd tell her "stop behaving this way or I'm gone", let her know you mean business.

[Jake2008]

Scott- until the counselling starts, I would agree to not bringing up the friend. It is only causing tension, and nothing productive or positive is coming from it.

I wonder if he will accept your friend request. Will he put his tail between his legs and run for cover, or will he be as protective of your wife, as she is of him.

[talaniman]

she hasn't had many male friends and I have been insecure with the few that she did have

When people live their lives through fear, and insecurity, they will always have conflicts and problems.

If you can't trust someone after 13 years, then its your problem, but having fear over what might happen and acting on those feelings is a recipe for disaster.

Demanding another enable your fear, is unacceptable. Maybe you could benefit from some guidance through the process of overcoming your fear, and find more positive ways to cope with them, that doesn't demand your partner lives in the fear, and insecurity, of you not trusting her.

Jealousy, insecurity and fear, are a lousy way of living your life, and personally you need, and can change that. One way is to know her friends, and being comfortable with them.

I know, you have given in to her fears, and done away with your female friends, so now I understand that you expect her to do the same, but you had no knowledge to help her with positive ways get over, and deal with her fears, instead of enabling them. At the time you thought it was right, but now the same problem is back, and its you who have those feelings. It was a red flag then with her, and it's a red flag now with you, that you need a better resolution to overcoming fear, and insecurity.

Don't be afraid of getting some help with it, but make sure they are qualified, as your best buddy may not be as insightful, or knowledgeable, or OBJECTIVE.

Now having said all that, I would be highly PO'd if my wife didn't give me the same consideration as I gave her. Anger is different than insecurity. Right or wrong, that's what she would have to worry about, not my fear or insecurity that she may be cheating. Heck, I probably would know it if she was or not, nor would I waste a second on the thought.

All I would care about was why isn't what was good enough for me, not good enough for you? That's your real issue.

What I did long ago was let her meet my female friends, know them, and establish boundaries of good behavior, that benefited us both. Come to think of it, she STOLE MY FRIENDS FROM ME!! They are family friends to this day, after more than 30 years. I know all of hers male friends also, and have no jealousy what so ever, nor insecurity, or mistrust, to eat away at my judgment, or decision making. It worked out well for us, but we had to work at it. Still working as life is hardly without being able to make adjustments as we live it.

Sorry you had to lose a friend over this. But live, and learn.

[scott4172]

Thanks again for the replies. I have been reading like a mad man about insecurity online and I certainly see that I have to work on this. I am actually eager to get rolling and apart from our session with a LMFT together, I've booked another for myself to address what I'm feeling inside.
The other day, I told her that it would be good for the two of us to establish common boundries together... common rules of the game. This way, at least going forward, it's clear what is acceptable within our relationship and what is not. No more having one of us rationalize why one relationship is inappropriate while another is OK.
Secondly, I need to come to grips that being insecure actually adds to the very issue at hand... that she would be unhappy with me. Hell... I'm driving her freakin nuts with my questioning the what's and when's of her relationship with this guy.
So we're going to counseling this week and I hope to start to move forward... together... on this and other subjects... knowing that this particular subject has much more to do with me than her.
One key component to any long term relationship, I believe, is to always be open to learning, changing and growing. If the damage has already been done in this relationship and if it's beyond repare, that will suck... but at least I will address something that will benefit me and my relationships going forward.